your last ally in all the city-states is an elf who would unironically lick the sweat from your armpits in front of the entire congregation. he begs his dad to let you couch surf. one of his brothers admits to your face that he wished you would die
two members of the swiss guard arrest your children so you punch them in the neck until the judge says you're free to go. the pope personally calls you to apologize for the trouble
ilberd tries and fails to hotbox you to death
a hot elf wife takes you on vacation to a nest full of cool bugs
anytime there's a serious moment estinien challenges the tone of the scene by pulling a giant novelty eyeball out of his pants which is played 100% straight every single time. not a single soul questions this or reacts in surprise
the prettiest elf in the world gets arrested trying to yell at his dad
Occupy The Vatican Right Fucking Now!!!!
the pope stances on the deck of an airship and flies away into the sunset after his eunuch traumatizes you
the emperor of garlemald shows up to call you a dipshit, leaves, and then you don't see him personally again for 1.5 expansion packs
we summon a naked catgirl and the first thing tataru does is give her a pair of louboutins and put a bow on her little kitty tail. she is the most deadly serious person in the entire organization
you take a quick detour to visit the angriest woman who's ever lived who calls you and everyone you're with a pointless dumbfuck moron shit idiot (affectionate). then she gives you a gun she invented that sharlayan banned for being too cool
theres a flying allagan war crimes factory full of broken robots who think you're stupid. an entire legion of garleans are abandoned here to form a feral colony with the escaped lab animals. the robots make fun of them
the dad of all the dragons on the whole planet calls you his favorite in front of his real child who he hasnt talked to in 4000 years
an evil wizard tries to get revenge on you for killing his cousin but the pope loads his soul into a bong and takes the fattest rip. the next time you meet him you mostly learn about how much his wife bullied him
estinien picks up a second eyeball. surprise development!: there is an angry dragon ghost living in the eyeballs
thancred gets punched in the face
you watch two dragon brothers fight because one called the other's dead wife a foul and trifling hoe
you save your friend through the power of friendship, and littering. as soon as he feels better he jumps out of a window and doesnt talk to you for two years
the guy from the box art wont stop trying to kill you because he is actually john videogames: astral traveler
after 15 hours of wondering what happened to all the scions and learning just the ones you've been able to FIND were flung into the afterlife, you discover lyse and papalymo are fine. they werent even hurt. they have been playing desert dress up with the ala mhigans while youve been freezing your pussy off trying to end a multigenerational religious war with the dragons and depose a corrupt head of state. they tried to send one letter and then gave up
the consequences of littering catch up with you. in eorzea, the fine is $Giant Dragon
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The point of the internet is for trannies and furries to meet each other, and for grandparents with undiagnosed autism to teach younger generations about their incredibly niche interests and craftwork skills. Everything else is bloat.
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the days leading up to your period will make you think you're under some sort of curse that's draining the life from your body and then well that does kind of turn out to be the case
Harry Potter is trending at #1 on tumblr so I thought I’d take the opportunity to say fuck JKR, fuck transphobes, fuck her stupid books, her theme park, her endless landfill fodder merch slop, and her fucking castle on a hill. Read another book yall!! Read another book!!!!!!!
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“Cook at home to save money” sounds all well and good until you get a little too into it and suddenly you’re bookmarking recipes that call for The Preserved Grace of God and that shit is $13 at the specialty store
I do think how you react to 6 7 is a good litmus test over whether you'll be a cranky old person who will continue the stupid cycle of "kids these days". but also we do need to be educating the youth about history and how the two numbers have been in a fear based relationship because 7 8 9
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my most boomer ass take is that i hate when i unmute a video of a cat and its just the most obnoxiously loud pop music playing over it. bro put that shit away i'm here to listen to your cat. i wanna hear what he has to say.
i'll burn the bridge when i get to it @seraphabulous - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
