For years I’ve felt like an object when it comes to love and relationships.
It was awful feeling like I wasn’t allowed to do or say things that I wanted to do or say.
Like, for example; my partner where the one who got to pick out whom I were allowed to be friends with, and whom I were not allowed to.
But since this year started, I’ve felt different.
Still feeling like an object, but also like a walking diagnosis.
Like an object whom cannot be loved, cause it has too many flaws on it. Flaws that you cannot remove simply by painting it a new color. Like my mum does with old furniture.
People claim to love me, but only til they’ve seen the flaws in me.
They claim to be able to handle me whilst being torn apart by anxiety and panic. That they have past experience from it, -either by previous partners or themselves fighting it- and thus can help me.
They claim to never wanting to leave my side, despite my BPD.
But they always leave me, saying that my anxiety and BPD is killing them. That it’s too much for them to handle. Taking a torn of them.
And I know it does, and I warned you.
I told you that it’s going to be hard, almost impossible, but you didn’t listen. And that made me believe that ‘maybe, maybe this is the one!’, cause no one else has ever been able to be my love despite my flaws.
And I know it can be really rough, believe me, I am the one fighting it inside of my head every single day of the year.
Constantly trying not to show you that I’m really not ok. That I’m fighting this war against myself, and against the anxiety, panic and the borderline.
Sometimes I win, sometimes I fail.
But you always ends up leaving me. Torn apart and broken in pieces.
“You’re a monster, and no one can handle you” is the word echoing in my head. And I’ve started to believe them. They were said once by someone I used to love.
I try my best, but I am merely just a human. A very tired human.
And this is something I need to say;
I am more than just my flaws.
And I wish that people could start looking at me more like a human, and less as a diagnosis whom cannot be loved.
stormborns
prguitarman
titsay
origamiaround
izzy806
