first time she tried to forget it wasn't about pleasure. it was about silence. it was three weeks after the linoleum. the rusted pickup had died outside a town whose name she forgot by dawn. sheād traded the truckās stereo for a hundred bucks and a fake id to a guy at a body shop who didnāt ask questions. the money was thinning. the memory wasnāt. the motel was called the starlight. it had no stars and no light, just a flickering neon sign that buzzed like a dying insect and painted the parking lot in sick, intermittent pulses of pink. sheād gotten a room by the hour, paying extra for the anonymity, but the walls were thin. through them, she could hear the murmur of other lost voices, a television laugh track, the rhythmic thump of a headboard against plaster. life, cheap and relentless, happening all around her. she felt like a ghost haunting the wrong building.
the knock was tentative. sheād frozen, heart a trapped bird against her ribs. she wasnāt expecting anyone. the fear was instant, liquidātheyāve found me. but the voice that followed was young, slurry, a girlās. āhey. you in there? we got, likeā¦ extra.ā sienna had opened the door a crack, the chain still latched. blue eyes peaked through the cracks and two figures stood in the corrosive pink glow: a girl with smudged eyeliner and a sweater too big for her, and a lanky guy leaning against the railing, staring at the parking lot as if it held the answers. they were kids, maybe her age, maybe younger. their eyes were glassy, their smiles loose and unanchored. āwe saw you check in,ā too big sweater, shrugged after the words. ālooked like you could use a vacation.ā she held out a palm. on it sat two chalky white pills, like oversized aspirin. āitās just benzos. xanax. makes theā¦ everythingā¦ go fuzzy.ā sienna looked at the pills. she looked at their faces ā strangers, blank slates upon which she could project nothing. they didnāt know her. they didnāt know the floral linoleum, the weight of the ashtray, the sound. they were just two kids with chemicals, offering a temporary ceasefire. there was a profound, aching safety in their ignorance.
it didnāt come as a wave of bliss. it came as a slow leak. a draining.
first, the sharp, metallic edge of panic that lived in her chest just beneath her sternum began to soften. it didnāt vanish completely, but it blurred, like a harsh line smudged by a thumb. the incessant, internal narration ā you killed him youāre a monster youāll never be clean you have nowhere to go ā began to slow, words losing their definition, becoming a distant, muffled radio broadcast from another room. she knew, in some detached part of her mind that was still observant, that this was a trick. a chemical lie. the pain was parked, not processed. the memory was in a drawer, not burned. but in that moment, lying on the starlight motel floor with two strangers whose names sheād never know, she didnāt care. the lie felt like salvation. the numbness felt like peace. that was the real beginning of the run. not the fleeing in the truck, but the understanding, there on that filthy carpet, that she could outsource the haunting. that she could pay, in one way or another, for a few hours where the ghost of roy ā and the ghost of the girl sheād been ā couldnāt reach her.
BREATHE. ONE FOR THE GIRL YOU WERE, ONE FOR THE MONSTER YOU MADE.
damp towel was still in her hand, coolness bleeding into her palm. he pushed her away, and the old, familiar reflex flared. a hot spike of fine, fuck you then that had carried her through a hundred bus station goodbyes. but his push was weak, desperate. it wasnāt rejection; it was the flailing of a drowning man. sheād seen that too. he collapsed to the tiles, a heap of muscle and misery, and the words spilled out of him. everything i touch fucking dies. a cold laugh, sharp and brittle, escaped her before she could bite it back. it wasnāt at him. it was at the perfect, horrible symmetry of it. the universeās shitty punchline. she let the towel fall into the sink with a wet slap. ājoin the club,ā she said, her voice stripped of its earlier false gentleness, down to the gravel beneath. it wasnāt comforting. it was a statement of fact, flat and cold as the porcelain. she leaned her hip against the vanity, putting a foot of cold, hard space between them again. a barrier. always a barrier. but she didnāt leave.
staring past him, at the pristine grout between the tiles seemed to ground her slightly. she imagined blood there. it was easy to do. she saw it everywhere. ābirthdays are the worst... the dead donāt age, but your guilt does. it gets a year wiser. a year heavier.ā blue hues flicked to him, a quick, assessing glance. āyou forget for a second, and it feels like a betrayal. then you remember, and it feels like you killed her all over again. that the sound?ā she wasnāt asking. she was telling. she knew the math of it. the specific torture of a calendar. her motherās birthday was a smear in her memory, a date she tried to bury under pills or adrenaline, but it always seeped through, a slow poison. the anniversary of the night with roy was a black hole she circled, drunk or high or speeding down a dark highway, but she always felt its pull.
then, with a grace that belied the stiffness in her own bonesāthe permanent ache of too many nights in strange beds, too many floors, too many runsāshe sank down. not to her knees, but all the way, folding her legs beneath her until she was sitting on the tile opposite him, their knees almost touching. she pulled her knees up, wrapping her arms around them. the position was defensive, fetal almost, but her gaze on him was steady. open. tonight was birthday grief and a boy flattened by guilt, and her jobāno, her choiceāwas simply to witness. she drew in a slow breath, spoke so quietly the faucet drip almost swallowed it. āwhat was her name?ā an offering, not a demand; the door cracked, not kicked open.
