at the strand of nightmares

this feeling strikes almost as soon as I am with people again.

I rarely get these kind of thoughts at home. at home, there are distractions. absolute laziness of recharging my social battery just to be able to work.

fucking great. I'm in it with all y'all. I hate everyone and everything else can literally fuck off.

it's no surprise then that I am looking for an out. even if there is no out.

anything else than this constant struggle to live, and not even to live, merely to just exist, is a fucking insane nightmare that I must force myself to care about every freaking day.

that's what i know, to upset myself with my observations, with my environment. something that needs unlearning. something that keeps being learned again. all so intense. all so boring.

all the same voices. all the same smiles.

this anger does not listen. this anger just is.

a mountain to conquer, but who ordered me to. the non-action is the action. the mouth is just a hole you fill with noise.