Randomosity

This week has been so rough in so many ways, it really feels like what can go wrong, has gone wrong. Not to say that everything is bad, it’s just so much all at once. Some people are lucky to have a lot of people and family who love them, and who are always there. I have a few of those, who aren’t even blood related to me. 

Just because someone is family by blood, if it’s toxic, it doesn’t mean they need to be in your life. If family isn’t there for you to support you, who even are they to you? I am realizing more how alone I am in that aspect, that the people who actually care about me live in my house, and a few close friends. This isn’t meant to be a “woe is me” post, I’m hurt and don’t know what else to do. I wish I could up and move away from everything and everyone. 

I knew a long time ago that a lot of people will be disappointing, and won’t always care as much as you do. I’ve always tried to see the best in people, even when they didn’t deserve it. I’ve been hurt by people who I thought were better, even ones I got “used to” being disappointed by. I tell myself it’s stupid to be upset when they hurt me again, like it’s not okay to feel that way. How dumb is that, that I’ve trained my brain this way?

Things are up in the air at my current job, there are a lot of layoffs going around, I think I will be safe but you never know. My parents have joined what I consider to be a religious cult, and I feel like I barely know them anymore. None of my family makes the effort to see each other, and nothing ever changes no matter how many times I tried to fix things. Both my sisters are supposed to be moving here and I’ll still probably never see them.

No one person can be right about everything, it just isn’t possible. I see so many people blathering about their beliefs and opinions being “right,” and even talking trash about anyone who dare think or say otherwise. What is WRONG with these people?? It truly baffles me. I never claimed to be right about everything, and I’m certainly not standing on a soap box telling you to believe the same way I do. 

What I think, feel, and know, are MY opinions. You do not have to agree with me, and that is fine, just like I don’t agree with you on everything. It is my opinion that children should not be caged into a religion. They are young, don’t even know who they are, or what they believe, and I don’t think it’s fair to try to force them to believe what you do. 

Even as an adult, no one should have any right whatsoever to try to force their religious beliefs on you. You can talk about what you think, feel, and “know” to be right, but you have no right to say someone is wrong just because it differs from your opinion. No one should ever try to spring a guilt trip on you about why their way is the correct way, in what world is that ever right? 

I write these thoughts out of frustration. I was initially baptized in a church as a baby, no say in the matter, and our family later changed to a different path, the one I am still on. Some of my family are now returning to their former path, and while I don’t agree with it, that is their choice. They know how I feel about their choice, but yet are still trying to suffocate me with what they feel to be “right.” 

Most people are just trying to do their best. I’m not sitting here screaming at them that I think they are wrong, but they have no issue with trying to say that about me. I can respect their decision and choices, why can’t I be granted that same respect? Why am I being made to be the bad guy, because I don’t agree with their choice? 

I haven’t trashed what they believe, and I’m not making them feel bad for anything. Life is too short, and this is how our time will be spent? It’s heartbreaking, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. Every time I’ve tried to express anything, not even regarding religion, it feels like it’s always twisted and I’m never heard. 

I had so many fragmented dreams last night, and was waking up all night. I was plagued with memories of people who have left, would wake up, and then fall back asleep into another haze of past hurt. I always thought some form of closure would help, but turns out you don’t always get the answers you wanted or needed. I have to find some way to let go. 

How? I chose to move forward, and I removed the people who were toxic in my life. Over the years, I’ve lost people who I didn’t want to. Ones who said they would be there for me, no matter what. People who have damaged my trust so badly, that I have to question everyone. I used to give my trust freely, until people gave me a reason not to. 

Over-thinking and worry are poison. They seep into your being, and cause you to question everything. I hadn’t even realized how deep my fear of rejection was, until I hovered over the send button in agony. I want and don’t expect a reply at the same time. I wrote and re-wrote for weeks, months. Now, I am left wondering if he ever ever checks that email, or if he saw it, and decided not to say anything. I can’t really expect anything, as I stated several times he didn’t need to reply. 

I have to keep telling myself that at least I said something, but everything I said, didn’t sound right, or didn’t seem like it was enough. I suppose I need to focus on the fact that what matters, is that hopefully he’s okay, and happy. I haven’t been the best at keeping in touch with people, so this really is no one’s fault but my own when someone removes me from their life. Still, it hurts nonetheless. 

The over-thinking eats at me throughout the day, and I try to push it aside. Wishing I could change things, that I had said or done something else, all the thoughts streaming through my mind. I’ve had people remove me before, and that usually would cause some anger, maybe a little hurt, but none stung like this. They didn’t linger with moments in time that made an impact, change that finally pushed me to break free, to find myself again.

If someone matters to you, why do we always wait until it’s too late to tell them? Why does it take loss to realize that we care? I had the realization yesterday that I had forgotten about the people who were there for me when no one else was. I have been so caught up in my life and stress, and I can blame countless excuses, but it doesn’t make it right.

I also realized I hadn’t written here anymore, and while I have been very happy with life, I haven’t been all that I am. Writing is a part of who I am, and I lost sight of that. Several friends have disappeared, some reasons known and unknown. I hate that it took losing someone very important for me to realize this. I’ve written and rewritten a message to him several times, but I fear rejection.

I’m afraid of the outcome, and I’m hurt that I lost him. I feel that it’s all my fault for being selfish, and losing sight of the people who listened to my endless bullshit for hours. I’m sad that he probably doesn’t even realize that he does matter to me, even if I had a crappy way of showing it. I’ve found I’ve been living with taking people for granted, and just assuming they’d always be there.

Jealousy is by far one of the worst emotions we have.. At least the kind I experience isn't over insecurity as most tend to, I get jealous of the couples who get to be together all the time. It's not that I'm not happy for my friends and family, because I am. I just hate that finally, after all the crap and heartache I've been through over the years, and FINALLY finding the one person I know I belong with... I'm still stuck waiting. It kills me. It just doesn't seem fair, and I know life isn't always fair, but seriously, I'd love to be given a break for once.

It's frustrating, I'm learning more about patience than I ever have, and I just want it over with. I know it's worth the wait, it just gets really difficult at times. I hate not having him with me every night, not getting to see him every day, I feel incomplete without him. I hate that tomorrow will be an entire month since he last kissed me goodbye. Each day feels like a week, and just drags by... and what makes it worse, is that I don't even know WHEN this hurt will end. I don't know the date, it's all up in the air right now because of everything a move like that entails.

I realize I should be ecstatic he's actually moving here, and trust me, I am very happy about that.. but it doesn't make being away from him any easier. I have never known this level of intimacy or felt this connection with anyone. I never knew what it felt like to yearn so badly for someone, to want affection, and to crave their touch. He makes me feel so amazingly wonderful, I can never put into words how I feel around him. I finally feel like myself. I miss him so much. I think I might go crazy if there isn't better news this week, this limbo needs to end.

I never thought it was possible to actually be so sure of something or someone. I would read books, watch movies, or see couples and wonder how they could just KNOW that everything would be okay. I was so afraid of being hurt, I didn't even think I could allow myself to believe in love ever again... But the truth is, I didn't actually know what love was. I thought I did, or I had ideas of how it should be, but I never really knew what is was. I still can't explain it properly, it's so unlike anything I've ever experienced. It makes everything else just fade away, and makes me forget my heart was ever broken.

I am so in awe. I have never been able to be so myself, without feeling like I was doing or saying something wrong, or that I wasn't good enough. I never knew this was possible. I've never had anyone understand how I think, what I feel, someone who actually thinks the same way I do. It's so surreal. I still get scared at times, and he just is so patient and reassuring.. he never gets angry or makes me feel bad about my emotions or how I'm feeling. How is this even possible? I don't even know how this happened, I wasn't looking for it. He completes me in ways I didn't even know were incomplete.

Never have I so firmly believed in the fact that everything does indeed, happen for a reason. I have never felt so sure, and so comfortable, in anything in my life. I can't even properly express how I feel in words, there are not enough adjectives to describe how I feel. I have never felt like this, ever. I have been through so much, and I don't even know if I deserve to feel this happiness. I never even knew what it really was to truly love and be loved until now... I may have had glimpses or ideas, but never anything remotely close to this. Never have I had someone understand me so completely, so free of judgment, to always know just what to say... It's like we share this connection unlike anything I've ever known.

Until this point in my life, I never really understood how you could really love someone, despite everything. I never have felt this with another person, to allow myself to be so utterly vulnerable. Ironically, he is the last person I ever would have guessed this could be possible. When we met so many years ago, we both were in rather horrible marriages. I didn't know him very well at all until about 4 1/2 months ago, when he wrote me to see if I was okay after my last breakup. We kept talking, and despite my early attraction to him years ago, I still didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to do anything to hurt him.

It amazes me sometimes how much a person can change, sometimes it's gradual over time, or it's quick before you even realize it. People say so many things, but rarely do they live up to what they said. I'm sure they may have meant what was said, but time changes the words. Our actions speak the truth more than anything, I've seen it time and time again. We tend to hold on to what we thought we knew, what we were told, and what we want to believe. It hurts when you realize someone didn't really mean what they told you, and that some things just can never be the same.

It's painful when someone you thought you knew so well, who had been part of your life for so many years, treats you in a way you never would have done to them. I was so angry, I felt betrayed, and I have to accept that things have indeed changed. It's so much easier for me to deal with physical pain rather than emotional, and sadly, there's no easy way to deal with grief. There's no one set way that you can work through it, and there's no timeframe as to when it'll feel okay again. I have been being the better person through all of this, and to be treated like this was like a slap in the face.

You would think I would know better by this point to stop expecting anyone else to treat me the same way I would to them. Some people just aren't capable of seeing anything past themselves, what they want, and they don't care how it affects anyone else. Most people are very selfish. I could be very vindictive, but that isn't who I am, or who I want to be. Several years ago, maybe I could have, but I have changed too. It's very difficult to still be kind when I feel so wronged, but I have to continue to see the bigger picture. This isn't just about me.

The last time I wrote, I felt so sure and clear on what was going on in my life, and now, today, I feel so very lost. I am terrified and confused. One of my biggest problems is my fear of hurting people, of always feeling I'm disappointing them, and it's something I have to work on. This is MY life. I can't make any choices or decisions based on what anyone else wants for me, it has to be what *I* want, what *I* need, what is best for ME. There are several people whose opinion I value, but it isn't up to them what happens. It's true others can give different perspective which is helpful, but no one can truly understand how I'm feeling.

It's actually ridiculous how much I worry more about others than myself. I get so overwhelmed, and a lot of that is my own fault from that worrying. I need to stop being so afraid of making the wrong decision, if it doesn't work, then it's just another lesson learned, right? If I never take any risks, how will I ever know? If I'm always waiting for the "right time," then it'll never happen. Everything isn't always going to make sense. What makes sense to one person, won't to another, so it's impossible to know how someone is really feeling. You might be able to relate, but you aren't actually feeling and living it.

Lately, I've been pretty much forced to accept things, and deal with stuff I didn't want to. It wasn't what I wanted to do, and it wasn't easy by any means, but it's much better for me. It's good that I experience situations and emotions outside my comfort zone, it's how we grow. I had to accept that things were finally so broken that my now ex-husband is gone, he had always been there for me and he finally hit his breaking point. I can't say I blame him, I put him through quite a lot, and he had his fair share to add as well. I hope we can be friends again one day, as our friendship was always probably the best part of our relationship. I don't regret the time we did have, as it gave me my amazing little boy.

I also had to realize how my actions hurt someone else I loved. I started a relationship before having my marriage settled, which was really shitty for all those involved, but it's not something I can change now. This past month was definitely the most difficult of my life, and it's made me a stronger person because of it. I understand why he had to leave, but I also understand how it damaged my feelings for him. I had to accept that things would not go back to how they were, and that's okay. I feel I finally have the chance to have a real fresh start in my life.

I felt very angry towards him since this was such a difficult time for me what with a new job, money stress, the divorce, and worst of all, how it was affecting my son. That is the worst pain I have had to ever feel, when I would see him cry, and feeling like it's all my fault. Like I said, I get why he had to leave, I know he has stuff to work through, but it doesn't change that it changed everything else. I feel that if there's something going on, you should work through it together, and you can also work on yourself. I'm not angry anymore, and I can't blame him. More and more, I am believing that everything happens for a reason.

It's truly amazing what time can do, I feel so much better than I did a month ago.. Something I thought would break me, has made me so much stronger. I feel so much more confident and sure of myself, and my happiness is no longer dependent on anyone else. I feel happy just being me, accepting my past and flaws, working to be better everyday. It's such a relief to not feel like I'm always disappointing someone, and there are no expectations of me. No one is making me feel bad for my mistakes, and it's just... so wonderful. I haven't felt this happy with myself ever. I've thought a lot about what I want and need in life, and I have such a better understanding of how I believe things should be.

I've realized that if someone can't accept me for who I am, love me despite my flaws and mistakes, that's okay. I don't need their acceptance, *I* accept who I am. I have been surrounding myself with the people who genuinely care about my well-being, who want to build me up instead of tear me down. I believe that's how any relationship or friendship should be, you strive to be better, to help each other, and it's okay to lean on others for support. I feel such joy and optimism for my future, I have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm just taking each day as it comes. I can't change anyone, nor would I want to, I can only change how I react. I can't help everyone, especially if they don't want to be helped. Like me, they have to find it for themselves. 

I really, really, REALLY hate my dreams sometimes. I don't even like using the word hate, but these kind of dreams definitely seem to deserve it. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so much in my dreams, if they didn't feel so realistic. To feel so much, only to wake up to have it hit you in the gut that it wasn't real, and that is a pain unlike any other. To wake up and instantly cry, you still feel the memory of the dream on your skin, making you miss it so much that it hurts. I can feel perfectly fine, trying not to focus or dwell on sad things, but in my dreams, I have no control.

Been learning a lot about people and myself in the almost 3 weeks since I've written, I've also come to find I've changed. My mindset has been altered, and I have been thinking about what I want in life. I used to think it was bad to have expectations of others, but it's not, to an extent. It depends what type of expectations you have. There is nothing wrong with expecting someone to treat you with common courtesy, but at the same time, you can't expect that *everyone* you meet will do so. The people who are supposed to care about and love us, would hopefully always treat us well, so it would be okay to expect that.

If someone has always treated you a certain way, it would be a natural reaction to assume that's how it is, hence becoming something you expect to happen. When that is taken away, we feel disappointed because it's no longer there. There's not necessarily something wrong with either of the two, but you have to figure out why it has stopped and why you feel disappointed. Are you disappointed because someone stopped showering you in compliments and gifts? Because I don't think that's a good expectation to have of anyone.

I find that my heart is rather closed off now, and I can never live with the feeling that I'm disappointing someone ever again. I don't expect anything from anyone, really. I do enjoy that there are certain people I know I can rely and depend on, but I don't expect them to always be there. I feel that it will take a lot of effort for someone to convince me they're worth opening my heart up to again, no matter who it is. I didn't purposely close myself off, but it's more as a way to protect myself. I feel a lot stronger than I have in.. well, ever. Not to say there's anything wrong with being vulnerable, it will just be very few people who will ever see that side of me.

I am in no means perfect, nor will I ever be. I've made a lot of mistakes, but they weren't all my fault. Some of the mistakes were equally the fault of the other person involved, and I've been taking all the blame on myself for far too long. I want to focus on the good things, I want someone to see the good in me. We've all done bad things, but it doesn't make us bad people. I know a lot of what I want, what I deserve, and I know how things are with me.

Never have I felt so incredibly horrible, or hated myself as much as I do now. I tried to prepare myself for this, and it still hurts even worse than I could have imagined. This is what I deserve, this is what I get for all the hurt I've caused. I don't want to give up, but there is nothing I can do. It's all my fault. I threw my key necklace onto the desk, only to put it back on minutes later. Part of me is forever shattered, I don't think any amount of time will heal what's been broken. I can't stop crying, every part of me hurts. I know there are consequences for your mistakes, but never did I think it was possible I could hurt this badly.

I'm so angry, not at him, but at myself. I was so happy... and I destroyed it. One mistake that ruined everything. He's better off without me, I don't deserve to try to make it better... I so badly want to make everything better, and I can't. I never deserved him, even if I hadn't made the mistake, he would have seen that eventually. Love isn't real. Any time I thought I loved someone, it broke. If you really love someone, you don't give up on them.. but I can't blame him for giving up on me. I don't want to hurt him ever again, so I have to just... try to .. exist. I wish I could crawl into a hole and never have to talk to anyone ever again.

I'm literally going to lose my mind, I feel so upset and angry right now... What's even worse is that I feel like I can't even talk to anyone. The one person I wanted to talk to, I can't, so I feel even more frustrated. I hate feeling like this, I don't want to take out my anger on anyone... It's probably for the best that I just shut down everything completely. What else can I do? Nothing... absolutely nothing. I closed so many chapters in my life, and yet now it feels like I can't even move past them. They're still there, causing me this torment.

It's all my fault, I'm just doomed to ruin anything good that comes into my life. I've been trying and trying to be positive, but I just can't right now.. I so badly want to just hear that it'll all be okay, just something that will take away some of this hurt. If only it were that simple. I've been constantly beating myself up over my mistakes, and it's not doing anyone or myself any good. What am I supposed to do? I know it's not ever going to happen again, and I can't change that it happened... Is it always going to feel like this...?