oh wow

dear diary

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

AUGHHHH. URGHH.

today is not my day. i’m feeling all kinds of emotions ranging from feeling elated to feeling horrible. guilt, sorrow, sadness, rage, annoyance, doom —-

maybe my periods soon.

the girl im talking with is lovely. so i guess that means its time to run away immediately? that seems to be the conclusion of my little fucking peabrain, anyways. throw it all away. run. yes. download tinder!

is it a coincidence i met her just as i was inspired to download tinder? or am i just insane.

i’m insane! that’s what this is. i’m crazy and need to be taken out back and shot!

…

but what is this really about?

doom. dread. agony.

tomorrow i am going to church with my aunt and cousin and i honest to god (haha) don’t want to. at all. im literally only going as a means to give them their gifts and eat free dinner and make sure they don’t hate me.

what an awful time to be alive!!!!!!!!!!!

.

anyways.

yesterday we (me, niko, collin) went on a drive and i learned about buddhism. lovely religion by the sounds of it. reincarnation and the cycle. so interesting, genuinely.

[ 7:34 , work breakroom ]

[ 11:05PM , spare (my) room at niko’s ]

hey.

my break timer ended and i didnt want to pause and type an exit. the rest of my shift was okay. a customer followed me to my car but like. whatever. i have more going on than that.

my mom liked the slippers i got her for christmas. yay.

i feel so stupid and useless right now.

idk what it is but i just ate my chipotle and now im laying here feeling stupid and awful. idk.

i shouldn’t have flaked so hard on my science class and my degree (should i continue it) has been delayed by… let’s see.

if i took the natural route, spring 2024 would have been my end.

so. wow. two whole years. wow.

doing that math did not make me feel better.

im genuinely trying to feel anything more than just miserable but i think that guy triggered me really bad. very jake activity.

i have church with auntie and asthyn tomorrow and im not looking forward to that at all. i need to wrap their gifts.

tomorrow i might (might!) SHOULD.. get the answer on if i got the apartment or not.

i don’t think.

well.

i was going to say i dont think it’ll ever get better but the thing is it will. it’ll be better and worse and thats just how life is. phases of better and worse.

2026 is my year. for sure.

.

.

.

i think this is why i dont update my diary as things are happening. it makes me confront the feeling head on rather than letting it fade.

i have a nerds rope and i think when i get the apartment my life is going to begin to be my own.

jesus christ it’s all so much.

.

dear diary,

today they brought quesoritos back to taco bell for a limited time. yahoo. you may sense a lack of enthusiasm in my tone because we just sent this text.

that’s our mom typing. we don’t have any clue if the apartment is ours or not yet. despite this, while walking past the cleaning supplies at work, i was thinking of how best and most efficiently to clean the apartment floors. i think sweep, dust mop, then swiffer wash is the move.

but i still don’t know if we have it or not.

yes, you are being dramatic. i figured the best case scenario would make this diary entry hopeful and the worst case scenario would make this entry very funny. in a few years, anyway. i’m sure that right now, it’d be the exact opposite of funny.

i don’t want to lore post yet — matter of fact, i’m planning on restructuring this blog entirely. i’ll make lore tags for my retellings and then resent day tags so i can keep track of it all.

rigel looked at our tiktok profile yesterday.

this could be a mere curiosity from him — after all, our screen name on tiktok isn’t “THIS IS YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND. CLICK ON THIS TO RUIN HER AFTERNOON AND MAKE HER FEEL WEIRD.” he might have just wondered who he was following.

sigh. we’ll probably never know.

im really nervous to check my text but also no i’m not.

i want to know. regardless of outcome.

but god. it sucks knowing there’s a chance we got denied.

it’s all hinging on this update, isn’t it?

surely we wouldn’t have gotten this deep into the application if they were going to deny us?

seven minutes left in my break and exactly ten minutes from having sent the initial text.

i’ll update this tonight. regardless of the ending.

[ 1:46PM , work bathroom ]

[ 3:36AM, the bed in the spare room of nikos house that i practically live in ]

scratch all of that. a girl is talking to me.

okay, okay— sorry. yes. the apartment update is that my mom basically lightly guilt tripped them into telling her about our chances because her daughter has anxiety. but, if you’re reading this, you already know the outcome.

we are 99.999% sure that the apartment is ours. i haven’t let myself celebrate yet — but, still. we’re pretty certain. fuck. freaking. YES!

fuck-freaking?

we’re going with it.

i’m really, really happy right now.

for that reason and also— as mentioned before— talking to a girl ^_^

[ section cut for being too specific. check private posts.]

anyways… she reminded me to sleep a few times in our chat so that’s basically bae.

dear freaking diary,

it’s good to see me, isn’t it? (glinda voice).

where to begin…

a lot has happened. a lot needs to be filled in and maybe one day i’ll have a diary entry that doesn’t begin with an apology for my absence.

the present: i am on my last fifteen minute break of a 6-10 closing shift at home depot. im closing with hunter and my phone is dying. my break has three minutes left and i keep pausing writing this entry to text niko.

i feel like i should clarify the significance of closing with hunter.

hunter is my coworker who is a gay man. his defining traits are being stuck in 2017 humorwise, he loves asian culture (read: he’s watched kpop demon hunters and uses anime eyes filters sometimes), and recently … pheromone perfume?

apparently he found it in a box of his mothers makeup he was rifling through. he still lives with her at his big age (23?24?) — which—- who am i to speak on that…

…

…

but, like— he’s not even doing school. he just works at home depot and lives with his mom. what the fuck. i feel mean, right now— but c’mon. at a certain point…

anyways. my break timer just went off. i’m going to go back to the desk and clean some so we can do nothing for the last hour.

[ . . . ]

november 20th, 2025

hi, diary.

it’s currently 1:53. wait — no it’s not. it’s 2:16.

see, i started this section of the entry and then niko texted — then squid called. they want to play minecraft— so i made some kraft cup macaroni and i’m waiting on my computer to boot up. squid wants us to try a modpack — collin insists that he’s on crack if he thinks the modpack will work. this should be fun.

the macaroni is good but i’ll need to get something more later. it’s not a lot.

right now all i’m concerned with is the fact that i have to go… somewhere…? to get a part of nikos birthday present. i really don’t remember the name of the place but i know it’s at least thirty minutes away. maybe twenty? maybe it’s thirty from nikos house but twenty from mine…?

regardless — i need to go. my computer’s being fussy and probably wont load minecraft. i’ll have to do that later tonight. for now— let me just write my damn diary entry that i keep putting off.

where to continue…?

the beginning of the past:

okay. so. let me go and read my old entry. let me go and see what the last things i told you were.

after checking — it was all mundane and useless to what i have to say now. bruh.

ALRIGHT! LETS SPEEDRUN!

dallas fanexpo 2025: you met a lot— a *lot* of people. in particular, you met a friend group of people who were into hetalia. blahblahblahblah. you got close — karaoke, waffle house, birthday parties, another con!

you went a date with this girl who you’re not at all compatible with — you found out one of the friend group members is fully unironically an enjoyer of incest — you tried to talk it out— you ended up disappointed.

this is all so much to say that your friendships that had developed just a few months earlier are now in a deadzone.

and the worst part is…? you’re writing this entry AFTER you coped with it!!!

this diary will never be as juicy as you’d like if you can’t bother to update it WHILE things are happening..! get! with! the! program!

…

sorry. anyways.

we’ve covered the present and the past… i guess. it feels weird. i don’t feel fulfilled in writing this right now.

i honestly feel disappointed in myself.

…

ohh, right. the present. the present where i’m pretty unhappy! i was so focused on laying out the groundwork to explain my friends situation that i forgot what this was all about. me. my diary.

i fucking hate college, man. it’s super unfulfilling in a way that i can only blame the whole rachel-and-jake-telling-everyone-i’m-schizophrenic ordeal for. i think that whole uprooting terminated all my passion for anything college related. not to mention… it is hard to work with this economy. it honestly pisses me off that i’m working this hard and still have to waste some time on school — yes, yes— i know— it’s not a waste. i know.

and i’m sure if i’m reading this years down the line and i wish i’d been more vigorous with my schooling, this whole section feels so stupid and petty. but my god. if you don’t remember, let me enlighten you — this shit is making you borderline suicidal. it’s hard. even writing this makes me feel like shit.

i think a big part of it is shame. i don’t know. i don’t want to give it all up, truthfully. i just know myself. i know how it goes.

in fact— i knew how it would go back when i was crying at the BHS counselors office about not knowing how college works because i was convinced i’d kill myself before i got the chance so i never bothered learning about it—- after graduating. its all so humiliating to think i knew better at 17 than i do know.

i knew that when i got into college, i would eventually get depressed and start flailing around with my grades. i knew it’d end up miserable. but i still tried and here i am proving my most pessimistic self right. that’s so depressing and sad. that i was more correct when i didn’t believe in myself.

life’s fucking hard.

but i want to be stronger than this.

all this crying aside, im going to complete my uaccb degree. i’m going to graduate from uaccb and then from there i can figure out what i want to do with myself. until then, here’s the plan —

steady job, steady school, steady me.

seems solid enough.

i’ve been flirting with the idea of a gap semester after my degree — or at least calling it that while my family learns how to cope with me being done with college. i don’t know. i just want it over. really, i do.

…

that was really depressing, sorry. but it’s where i’m at. i hate it here. also, your tires are like half or most of your savings. and you kind of need new ones. yes— it doesn’t end.

…

im not at all ready for a girlfriend but… i do want one. at least, i want an idealistic fantasy of having a girlfriend. i don’t want the real thing.

i think im gonna leave this here. im only throwing a pity party and spiraling. i think ill stream more ttpd because it’s rainy.

i’m gonna try and update once a week. maybe more. i dunno.

this is super sloppily written but its because im sleepyas fuck. bear with me.

i just needed to pop in and say that i need to update more (i always say this) and to break the ice. i have a lot of catch up but lets not worry about that. ill be remodelint the diary soon anyways.

much has changed!

for starters, i’d gone insane when i first moved here. i was incredibly weary of all familial social dynamics and briefly had the delusion i should get back with my ex…

from years ago…

who has very clearly moved on…

yikes!

i think that came more from a longing for familiarity than anything, but now i’m more settled and the thought has completely escaped me. thank god. i was truly insane.

i hate to remind myself of this but it’s objectively funny — i was trying curry for the first time at my best friends house and overthinking a response to a message i’d seen from them. i started weeping and whisper-screaming into my bowl. as if there were a five minute timer above my head — every five minutes, i’d remember and carry on crying again.

it still bothers me when they haven’t replied… but that’s natural, i think.

upon moving here, i immediately found employment within two weeks and started at a hardware store. they’ve taken lovely care of me and im glad i chose this over the dog kennel or walmart. i think i’d be miserable at either option.

i’m slowly being introduced to more social dynamics at work. a coworker asked about me last night and it was awesome because he was the very first person to *ask about me* there. everyone else settled for chitchat.

i think my mental health has improved greatly from my time in arkansas. other than the odd intrusive thoughts or PSTD-like anxieties, i’m good.

i say PTSD-like because i’m not sure if that’s what you should be calling it. i just know i act irrationally anxiously over things my mother would have killed me for, only to realize my grandpa doesn’t care.

as for my intrusive thoughts, id say they’re almost comically extreme.

i was walking into work and internally whining about the heat when i remembered i hadnt rolled my windows down to let heat seep out. i was annoyed — then distraught! i wonder if i’ve left my newborn puppy in the hot car!

1. i do not have a puppy — much less a newborn one.

2. why would i have brought it to work? what?

3. i haven’t interacted with newborn puppies in so long. i have no puppy to worry for.

niko thinks this is hilarious. i do too.

its nice for my intrusive thoughts to be so powerless to me. it’s freedom.

i’ve been into hetalia lately. and i honestly fear to mention it in the diary because i worry someone scrolling through the hetalia tag could happen upon this.

if they do, oh well. im 20 and single if youre down.

im hardly joking, too. i’m very bored romantically.

regardless, i’m into hetalia now. i was weary at first but i figure as long as i’m not making broad statements and assumptions about people of other cultures based on a comedy anime from the late 2000’s, i’m probably doing just fine. it’s a good anime as long as you recognize it’s not meant to be a completely serious take on the world’s events. it’s about as harmful as clone high and hamilton:the musical. it’s entertainment more than it is reality.

i like france and england and russia the best, right now. poland is close behind and even closer if its lithuania and poland together.

i drew china as well but it came out ugly. i’d post it but i mentioned hetalia enough times that someone from the fandom might see this post and i dont want them to see my ugly art. i’ll post a cute one instead.

little italia. so cute. wow.

when i was in my camera roll i was reminded that peter’s birthday dinner was awesome. i was the only one who showed up with a gift and i’m starting to wonder if my dad’s side of the family just doesn’t so that.

i think the dinner is the gift.

regardless, i got him a mousepad of a cat with sunglasses and he loved it enough that he uses it at his work desk. success!

this was dinner. i hated their spicy tuna roll because i expected a firmer texture and it was severely minced. paste. peter agreed and i think he shared the sentiment LOL

my aunt had them and thanked me for sharing. which was sweet, but i think it’s because ash said no to sharing the cucumber salad with her.

the miso was bomb. love this place and need to take niko some day.

i have fanexpo coming up! i’d better remember to document it here at least a little if i plan on having good memory of it.

other than that, my gen psych ended (with a B… okay!) and i have summer classes revving up soon. woohoo. so fun.

im glad my degree will advance, though. i need it.

other than that…? life’s good. i have a five hour shift tonight and i cleaned pretty well last night so in theory i *should* be able to relax… maybe… hopefully…

we’ll see.

i think im gonna make potstickers before i go. and a little vegetable salad. i need one because i’m dehydrated af!

i need to tidy my room so i can hangout on thursday and be at peace.

yesterday i had songs stuck in my head that i can’t remember today.

it’s three days until i move and i’m feeling weird. not necessarily bad, but weird. i kind of wonder if i have an eating disorder thing going on or if a lack of appetite is due to the weirdness in my life. or if im just being conscious of what im eating and i know that that can become an eating disorder. i don’t think i actually do. i think it’s a red herring.

i woke up this morning and felt weird. i don’t have a word for it and i don’t know the source, so of course i decided i finally need to get back into journaling.

im redownloading emmo but if that doesn’t have my progress saved i dont want it.

my scalp kind of itches but i think its just dehydrated. if my hair oil isnt packed away forever, i’l hair oil my scalp. i watched a lot of tiktoks on what brands to buy. i settled on this one because of the benefits.

someone said it’s ideal for low porosity hair and lightweight. just what i need i think.

catching up

if you aren’t caught up (or rather, remembering. after all, this diary is for me) i think the best place to start is with jake. he is still actively looking for ways to be in the same space as me. his most recent stunt was trying to join UNITY knowing damn well im the president of that club. cj told us, god bless cj.

cj and i have actually been connecting a lot more. it’s unfortunate that its only now that we are but that just must be how life goes.

i feel i should mention rachel, but i don’t know how i could possibly forget. if you have, let me enlighten you.

rachel decided that gossiping with jake about my whereabouts and private vents was much more important than being loyal to her cousin and best friend of three years.

i think she has feelings for him.

i keep hoping all these horrible things happen to her and i don’t think im mature enough yet for it to feel unproductive. i know that the best revenge would be success, but i don’t have that yet,. so right now thinking about her car breaking down or crushing medical debt or pregnancy that dooms her career as a young woman is all ive got.

the last time we talked was a phone call that ended in her trying to call me childish and immature and incapable of handling my own problems because i reported jake for furthering contact with me after asking for a no-contact order through our college. i think she must have feelings for him or crave his validation. yikes.

sophia also ended up being a major tank. i tried to talk to her about how i felt and it was poorly timed. unintentionally, but still poorly timed. jake very coincidentally left gcs after that message was sent. i wonder why.

today

of course, this is all past tense. all of this is stuff that happened yesterday and backwards. i want my life to be about right now, so lets talk about right now.

right now i have two days before i move. today i am taking my midterm, cleaning my room, making a physical paper list of my things and where theyre at, and letting myself feel weird. i think ill halfways clean my car too if i get ambitious. i probably will.

my midterm is so stupid, too. not because general psychology is stupid, but because of the professor. i hate this guy.

“no plagiarism, but ai is fine” ??? are you serious?? ai is a plagiarism machine?? stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid.

that being said, if i don’t recognize a term, i will be using the internet. i don’t really care about the class anymore for a handful of reasons but im sure ill be dropping it soon. i hate it here!

i need to get up and take it, though. i think ill make a snack and put my shrimp out to defrost.

then hair oil. increasing dryness as ive been writing this.

then after my midterm my room needs to be cleaned. then i need to take inventory of my things im moving with. then i need to check indeed. hopefully my shrimp are ready by indeed’oclock.

if not, i dunno. clean my car, maybe? didn’t i have a list earlier in the entry?

(scrolled to look) (i was right)

ill clean my car, i guess!

i need to get my paws on a carabiner desperately, though. i really want one + it’s way more convenient.

i also hope niko can play minecraft today because i miss him LOL

anyways. if i think of anything more, i’ll use the edit feature.