Herbert

“i can’t reach without something to offer, i can’t come now, i am so ashamed…are you growing weary of all my good intentions cuz i know that you don’t work that way”

“my heart needs a surgeon, my soul needs a friend, so i run to the father again and again and again and again”

only sent to mom

idk, who i was reading that, in like 8th grade

probably when i was 13, or wait no 19, holy moly definitely 22. yeah, 2022 has probably some of the worst days of my life. is this true? i shudder to try to place myself in her head, like im not tryna feel alldat.

and then i think, when was the best time?

probably right now

i went to game night yesterday and we played can’t say uhm XD and it was fun!! i had a blast. i made fried oreos, matt INHALED two and then said his body’s rejecting them that guy is slooo funny. the girls are cute, i was entertaining myself by nudging everyone around me conversationally. if i just sat there, oh yeah everyone would make conversation actually. everyone is so cool bro tom and luke kept making funny 4chan type jokes about jews and china eating dogs, and bro i was trying to have them guess “cool” which has always been SO hard so i said “when it’s hot outside, you want to blank urself off” cool urself off, i think that’s a very typical but specific phrase. but too many ppl laughed and it was not funny. i laughed the first time but only because everyone was laughing. idk those jokes r so immature, when i see the connection im like disgusted with myself bruh. not all the time (idk but i sound prideful and chat didnt want this)

i made a side eye joke w ray that was funny. the games were fun, i laughed a lot. it was an interesting night

and today i played val with isaac!! and then we ended the night playing 2v2 geoguesser 😭😭

Identity is less like discovering a hidden artifact and more like strengthening a pathway.

matt mcp said i should send them a letter. a card or soemthing saying congrats, and that i am really excited they’re having a baby.

i’m not excited, i don’t think i care. thinking about xmas time, like was i supposed to scream or soemthing? when have i ever been suprised and exclaimed? i don’t like surprises, but i love honora and abel. i truly do.

i’ve just been mimicking the distance theyve created.

matt mcp said abel is probably the punching bag for her as she’s hormonal and stuff and they haven’t moved yet so he’s prolly insecure as a man so all he can do fr is dote on her so if she’s feelin some type of way then he’s gonna step in.

which fine, but he’s been pretty lax with this whole thing and i’ve been bothered to the core of my soul.

i’m really struggling to understand if i’m angry at them in a way i haven’t yet given up to God. idk how true that is, because no way im angry at them i do love them. in theory i think, when they’re in front of me, they enter this bubble and i tread lightly between them both. it used to be top heavy and i would lean to him, but ive stopped that too.

a part of me is soooo desperate to protect my younger self. to protect the girl still looking for that Abel because she’s jsut gonna be disappointed. and i think if im close in proximity, my laugh starts to sound like how it did a decade ago. well start making niche jokes or fall into the same habits together and it’ll almost feel like how it did. but the reality that he’s not there anymore comes clanging like a gong, with her unfortunately. it used to be weird, but never like this. never like how it’s been the last year. i’ve noticed the distance and ive just started to get comfortable with how far they are, but now it seems they’ve felt the distance and feel like they’re owed my closeness.

i’m not fake. i won’t say one thing and mean the other, and i won’t not say one thing and mean the other. i bear no grudge nor ill will towards them. they wanted it one way, im giving it to them. and honestly, idk if my reaction would have been different if it was legit my sister that was pregnant