Herbert

how long will i be doomed to shed tears for tota and amba? how many years will i be subjected to painfully warming memories of kimeme? why is the grief i repeat feel as new as the first time it happened? does not everyone carry it like i do?

a message i almost sent to matt mcp (i got his birthday wrong and then immediately right like if i just thought and didnt blindly trust these loosey goosey safeguards like i shouldve just READ it i was driving there’s nothing i can identify that would have changed this outcome. i woke up, oh i didnt sleep, i was driving. i was reading while driving cuz it was a thought i had while driving. i could’ve waited, and then its lost to the ether. or i could’ve just read quickly, carefully not to have my eyes off the road, so of course im not reading all that much, i focus on what’s important. but this time, its what i lost to peripheral that is what i needed but i didn’t have time. i didn’t want to take that risk, and its lost to the ether. and then matt makes a funny face at me that makes me want to rip out my eyeballs and hand them over to him as penance. like my bad man i actually kinda suck as a person right now haha. and its like, but that wasnt on purpose. i documented poorly, i could’ve done that better to avoid this. but that’s too meta. i rmbr both their birthdays. one to the notebook and one to my head. i felt sooo dumb. but it was a mistake. i rmbr’d both their birthdays hello. go me. i need to give and take. in hindsight, be intentional and remember what they sound like. listen, i feel like i try to figure out their star sign. i need to rmbr fr cuz i rmbr a lot) the message i almost sent to matt: i was literally just thinking about whether fthe customer pays for the airwash step, which led to a natural conclusion that no they’re actually payin for wash, which does kinda change the product in a way they meets customer demand, like i mean the particulate is just up to wash once u add water and detergent. and i LITERALLY had the organic thought that no matter the incoming load, we would most likely see the same quality of plunger coming out of the washer. ykwim, squeaky clean. like? isn’t that what u have been saying?? should i kms??

and anakins story is so heartbreaking when u see luke 😭😭😭😭 all anakin wanted was to start a family with padame after his was taken from him when he was so young 😭😭😭 and now luke, it’s just inherited pain. it’s so sad when u see someone innocent bleed in the pursuit of what they’re owed. like they deserved love, ugh how devastating that anakin lost everything

“the minute that september hits, im going off my medicine”

my familial wounds run so deep within me, i wonder if they can ever be uprooted. do the others feel this way? such unique pain defining the connection between each member of my family. how much pain have i caused them? they’re not even aware of their own pain, how would they ever begin to find its causation? i’m alone. in my feeling in my thinking in my being. even amongst the ones who share the most with me, it’s still not enough. i am still unknown. Lord, thank u for knowing me. help me find contentment in my Husband, my Maker

i gave another presentation at the pharmbio technical meeting that went really well, where people stop and say their thanks and like. i can’t describe it, it’s unlike anything i’ve done. i used to LABORR over my presentations, memorizing the content and what to say, and that’s how i used to ace my prezis in high school and college. but now at work, i flubbed my first one really bad, cause i didn’t study. so i studied my prezis and beka got right back on track. but this prezi, and the ceo kaizen prezi, i didn’t really do allat. i just wrote my slides in such a way that moved with my internal narration. these times, i first considered the content im trying to communicate, my audience, and what wouldn’t make sense to them, and what should, and what the focus is. the slides come together after much editing, but the editing is usually about content clarity, like will they rlly get what im trying to say here? how can i make sure i dont lose them? yk? and i swear, the first tool cleaning kaizen, i think something unlocked there. and it actually, like it must be God right?? didn’t i ask Him this, isn’t this grace?? because something in me said, why get nervous? aren’t you all in the same boat? on the same level? running towards the same goal? no one is better or worse than me, i’m just talking to my team. and then i realized it’s just like a normal conversation but with a lot of people. and that eased my nerves, and made the narration flow wayyy more naturally. praise God

i’m reading a manwha and the FL is so different yet similair to me. and she’s caught the eye of a handsome and wealthy man with her curt and focused behavior. i wish i was like her, a regular sized personality can fit with many. but my personality is big, and requires something big too. i wish i was like her, the way she interacts with the world is so calm, dim, and controlled. the way i interact with the world is loud, chaotic, blinding and unpredictable. she is like a soft spring breeze, pushing petals through a meadow. and i am a typhoon, destroying what’s delicate in my path

cigarette smoke is about honora and abel. my two greatest losses. oh man oh man, how scared i am to even whisper of my wants, my wishes to return to how it was. i know, i know, this is the life that is, and the life that will be. my hope ignites and crumbles the ash before even realize what i’ve lost. i’m so late to realizing, always so slow on the uptake. always one step behind, one step outside the circle.

no because i’ve grown up into an adult younger me teenage me young adult me would’ve LOVVEEDDD to hang around 😂😂 like im so cool and awesome and chill and fun and i love that about me and i can feel who i used to be, being warmed by it too. like yay!! thank u for saving us and reminding us of what has been inside us all this time! we are full we are good we are saved by Grace, and there’s nothing this world can do or offer to take my joy in Christ and His creation away

sometimes u shit the largest, most girthiest, intact log you’ve ever shat, and then u have to flush it and just move on. its almost sad

like EYE got hurt for askin my dad a favor that my brother and i never found the right timing for and now they’re burdening me with the guilt of MY pain. like what the fuck i don’t understand