Seagull The SeaWing

i often feel i may never fit in anywhere because i don’t know how to be nice without being afraid, i don’t know how to say something relevant or funny that isn’t just random or doesn’t make sense, and i don’t let myself be any of that because im scared the minute someone tries anything with me, i will be nothing, i will be tossed to the side yet again. I can’t let my self appreciate people too much, i can’t enjoy anyone’s creative work nor interact with it even if i do think it’s good because then it means im letting them into my head and into my thoughts and they’re going to hurt me. i hate how just to protect my self, id rather be some deadpanned zombie because underneath it all, i do secretly want that connection no matter how much i push people away, and i wish i could get along with people or join in on conversations without getting agitated at everyone, but i just don’t know how. It’s not that simple. It’s automatic for me to refuse to appreciate anything without feeling agitated or numb because it genuinely feels like i’m exposing my self too much. And if i do it’s rarely. I never learnt that it was okay to just be vulnerable and cry or something, all i was taught was to just be angry and that’s all i know how to do and now it’s ruining everything in my life

sometimes i wonder if people avoid me or are ashamed to be affiliated with me