i often feel i may never fit in anywhere because i donât know how to be nice without being afraid, i donât know how to say something relevant or funny that isnât just random or doesnât make sense, and i donât let myself be any of that because im scared the minute someone tries anything with me, i will be nothing, i will be tossed to the side yet again. I canât let my self appreciate people too much, i canât enjoy anyoneâs creative work nor interact with it even if i do think itâs good because then it means im letting them into my head and into my thoughts and theyâre going to hurt me. i hate how just to protect my self, id rather be some deadpanned zombie because underneath it all, i do secretly want that connection no matter how much i push people away, and i wish i could get along with people or join in on conversations without getting agitated at everyone, but i just donât know how. Itâs not that simple. Itâs automatic for me to refuse to appreciate anything without feeling agitated or numb because it genuinely feels like iâm exposing my self too much. And if i do itâs rarely. I never learnt that it was okay to just be vulnerable and cry or something, all i was taught was to just be angry and thatâs all i know how to do and now itâs ruining everything in my life
