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It must break the Father’s heart of love when we continually take up the very things that occupy the place of utmost adoration in our hearts. It must hurt Him so, when we push away His hand from the moving pieces of this board game of life, and we command control over the sovereign Creator God. It must lead Him to grieve over our hearts when they shatter, falling to the ground, brokenhearted and dejected, when we find that what we desired was not part of His will for us.
For me, the problem of pain is in the upholding of my meager human expectations—in how I hold on even tighter when circumstances may show that these certain things are not what God may have intended as blessings, for me. My way! I say, as I entertain thoughts to charge in on the scene of my own destruction.
My cast lot begins to frustrate me; I begin to despise where I stand. Bitterness churns inside my soul, and my mind swirls into a state of turmoil, spurred by painful thought processes. My heart grows more and more chaotic and dysfunctional as I think about myself more, of God and His children in a dying world, less and less.
I am so ungrateful. I am so wretched in my endeavors. I am so internalized and self-victimized. I am…so..sinfully broken.
I am in need of the Gospel truth to resonate in my heart, through and through. Again and again. I need Jesus, beautiful Jesus. I need the Holy Spirit to barge into my little world of self-recognition, and re-align my heart to sing the very song He sings over me… With clarity, grace, and love.
"I belong to You" / "Only in the shelter of your wings do I find my rest" / "Lord, you save me from myself—you love me." / "You alone shall be my first and forever love"
The sound of redemption calling, calling me, the lost daughter, back home into the outstretched arms of Love Himself.
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Devotion signifies a life given, or devoted to God. He therefore is the devout man, who lives no longer to his own will, or the way and spirit of the world, but to the sole will of God, who considers God in everything, who serves God in everything, who makes all the parts of his common life, parts of piety, by doing everything in the name of God, and under such rules as are conformable to his Glory.
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suddenly comes off an ungodly hour, but my heart is unfolding before me and I must write away.
Where can I start? Psalm 139:7-12 comes to mind:
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you."
God has always been with me; He has carried me since the day of my conception, even prior to being found in my mother's womb. I have never walked alone in this world; never once have I found myself left to my own devices. The Lord has always stood beside me, coaxing me out of the dark and into the glorious light. He has always illuminated my circumstances for me, tested me within a set of afflictions that would later set the tone for greater blessings to be accepted and understood without reservations, to receive what could not have been received as fully before, He reaches into the very depths of me and teaches me the reigns of what it means to twist out of proportion what He meant (to a certain extent) for my good.
I've always desired to blossom alike rose, but no rose is without its thorns. I have had my thorns, but more than ever, I am sure that my heavenly Father is disciplining me to do without these thorns, to be relentless in accepting His love for me, and loving Him through the beloved people He has placed beside me to run this race. This is how I am learning to serve--it is Christ's love that I embrace and provide for those I find by my side in each and every moment.
It is to be free in my own skin and listen with warm eyes, an open heart, patiently folded hands, and an encouraging look about my soul, of both discernment and sincerity. Yes, Lord, I want to be a traveler of people! And I want to glorify You in all my ways and means of becoming so. I want to take the little steps necessary to be relational, to love with disregard to how one may be considered fallen, for I, myself, am fallen... Yet You have saved us all. You have given everything for us all. You have united us all by Your soul-saving, soul-searching, soul-sanctifying love. It is love. You are love.
Agape love.
I am most earnestly sorry to say that I have misunderstood the concept of serving others. I am thankful to realize this now, as Friday beckons near. I will be back to pick up what I left behind in search of authentic, genuine faith in serving.
Thank You for reminding me of who I am today. Thank You for showing me what is true + has been on Your heart in regard to my greatest idols. Thank You for good friends, beloved relatives, and one beautiful earthly & found-in-Christ sister who I can learn to share with and trust, for Your glory. Thank You for allowing me to write again--for putting my words to the test in blanketed silence, You have halted my crooked speech, crooked ways. Continue to teach me, Lord... I am all Yours.
Finally, finally --
"I have found the One whom my soul loves."
The flowering desert is a climatic phenomenon that occurs in the Atacama Desert, known as the driest place in the world. The phenomenon consists of the blossoming of a wide variety of flowers between the months of September and November in years when rainfall is unusually high. The flowering desert involves more than 200 species of flower most of them endemic to the Atacama region.
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Find the things that stir your affections for Christ and saturate your life in them. Find the things that rob you of that affection and walk away from them.
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