Scribed.p

On my death bed;

Would u then feel sorry

End it all- Part 01.

I kissed her. It was the least thing I wanted to do. I would rather attend maths class. Still I did, all at the same time arousing an echo of cheers for the zillionth time for being the player tag I so very earned here. She was not my type, but I didn’t utter a word as I savoured being “The popular kid”. My pals gave me a high-five for winning yet another bet and reaching a record of having a history with practically every girl in our high school.

   Who doesn’t like to be loved? Can you really judge me? I had a reputation to keep after all. 

  A reputation which doesn’t feels like my own...

As I sit in the backyard of my home deliberately thinking.. Is it worth it? After all this time, I didn’t feel.... loved. I felt as if I’m portraying somebody else. Someone who isn’t ME.

      Clothing someone’s skin for entertainment of the wolves who are awaiting your screw-up. But the real brute was my own demons which lurk inside me. Replaying all the scenarios I had to go through and thinking who am I exactly? 

  I knew my problem from a very long time now. I guess.. It was just the acceptance that was lacking. Depression is a lethal thing. But more than that is facing our fears. I can’t seem to distinguish between real and phony. It is getting hard to handle. It’s like when you are drowning but you can’t do anything because you don’t know to swim. This is not how it should be. How can someone carry so much burden yet be here.... Alive, breathing borrowed air! 

  I am exhausted of being my impotent self... From running away. I need to end it... once and for all.. 

I was blind. At least that’s what I thought until after. Stuck in a half open box and nowhere to go. Hunger was my companion most of the time and the box my toy upto that day. 

   The day we met. Funny how this sentence is so small, yet comprises the deepest meaning conceivable. I distinctly remember fourteen days old me playing as usual when this round giant hit me. I barked at it, yet it wouldn’t flinch. A boy came running after it and picked it up. It was his plaything; I guess.  

 He looked at me as if he wanted to eat me. I matched his gaze. Suddenly he picked me up in a way his touch filled me with warmth I never knew existed. I felt loved. It still seems like yesterday. 

   He was my Jack. And I became his Leo. We played all afternoon until the moonlight hit my golden fur. I wished our playtime never ended.. Ever! We used to empty the jar of peanut butter while watching the screen which I never understood, yet enjoyed because Jack would make those amusing faces. Jack was a funny guy, I tell you. Then we used to cuddle and sleep like there was no tomorrow. Those were the days. 

  I watched him grow into a man. His laughs, tears, agony was mine to behold. 

    I still remember how broken I had been when he was gone wearing that officer’s suit and came back after an eternity. He was my world. 

  Until one day he never returned. I lay in our bed in a futile hope for his arrival. He would come back for his Leo because we promised to never leave each other’s side. Searching him was the only thing keeping me sane.  

                 And now that I found him, our promise prolongs.  

   I never saw this place before, but kind of knew he was here. It was the same rush of warmth as when he had first touched me. Now, I lay on this concrete teeming with flowers, while only thing that connected me to him was his smell that lingered in the air. I don’t understand why people were crying here, but I was delighted. I found my Jack. I am waiting for him to come and hug me so I could lick his face and never leave his side. If this is what they say to be home, then I guess I am home...

Nothing in the world had prepared me for this. It was lousy day as usual and the workload seem tiring. The only thing I wanted to do was rest, have a glass of wine and call it a day.   

Once I got home it kind of felt uncanny. The air smelled morbid as it had for the past few days. I walked through the corridor calling bella only to get pin drop silence in return.

"Bella..Bella!" I shouted a bit louder this time. Questioning her existence again as I swamped the house yet all in vain.

"Isabella" I never called her by her full name but as if sensing the hidden seriousness it rolled out of my mouth. Where was she?

I knew she was acting strange lately but I couldn't wrap my head about what it was. Is it that she is considering leaving me? I mean why wouldn't she? After the fight we had the other day and the way I reacted. God.. Even I would leave me. I dialled her number but it went straight to voicemail.

"Hey, it's me. Where are you? I am worried. Listen, we need to talk. I know I made a mistake and I'm sorry. Please, just call me ASAP." I hung up.

But then there was this unsettling feeling in my chest. Bella is not a kind of person to vanish for a whole day without telling me. The depth of the situation was finally kicking in.

I sat on our bed venturing every possible scenario. Did something happen to her? She wouldn't switch off her phone like that. Was she in danger?

  Yes! That's why she was always on the phone and when I asked if something was wrong she would freak out and say it was nothing. Someone was troubling her.Why didn't I see that before. I should have done something. Oh Bella!  

Just when I was berating myself my gaze caught sight of a paper near the dresser. It lay motionless awaiting it's masters arrival. I rushed towards it and picked it up.

It was a letter from Bella.

"Hey,I know this might seem bizarre. Actually my phone fell in the tub today so couldn't inform you that I'll be out with Emma. And I'm really sorry for our fight earlier. I know you have been stressed and I understand.   I want you to know something and I don't think I'm strong enough to face you so I'm writing this. So,the point is..I think we should go diaper shopping!"

I ponder what the stars hold,

A pattern where truth unfolds.

Bright and Twinkling like winking at me;

Creeping a smile on my face with glee.

Infinite are you like diamonds,

My heart beats as ramping sirens.

This constellation is an intricate design,

Existence of unknown yet again giving a sign.

I am lost at words astonished by your beauty,

Staring at you is my now only duty.

So,I wonder...will we see this enchantress later?

Or will it be destroyed by the hidden traitor..

I kept staring at the twilight where the hues of orange mixed with blue forming yet again wonderful creation of nature. I came here often when mom was alive. A cold breeze flew covering my face with brown logs. I tucked it behind my ear and glanced ahead. There was nothing but soothing silence. It's funny how days pass by so quickly. One time your living the moment and the next moment your just holding onto the memories. Reminiscing the golden days and reliving it.

Sighing, I removed my heels and started walking on the grass, humming on some tune I heard today. I looked at my phone screen bubbling with notifications. Apparently, I had five missed calls from Mia. There are some people who happens to know more about you than you know about yourself. She is the only one I have left. Dialing her, I pressed the screen to my ear. After about two rings a loud shriek erupted through the speaker. My lips twitched and eyelids fluttered.

" Scarlett Fox. If you don't tell me this instant where the hell you are and why have you been avoiding my calls past 3 hours, I swear I'll eat all the ice cream in the fridge and you won't even see a trace of it" I refrained myself from laughing out loud.

"I am at the hill Mia. Don't worry."

" Do you even realize what hour of the day it is or perhaps night is the appropriate syllable?" Mia shouted. God why is she shouting?.

"hm?" I hummed and spontaneously looked at the screen. I grasped as it was already 9.

"Yeah 9. So when are you planning to show your face at home lady?''

I guess, I said that out loud. She can be cranky when pissed. "I am getting in the car. Coming right away your highness."

She laughed at my behaviour. She truly knows how to bring me back.

"And don't you dare touch my ice cream Mia or else there will be consequences." I tried to say it as dangerously as I could muster but the key word is tried. Of course she didn't buy it.

" we will see about that" I bet she is smirking.

"okay. so bye, see you there." I said while starting the engine.

"Bye. Drive safely" I smiled as I hang up.

"So home it is" I uttered in the pitch silence of my car and started the ride back home.