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Tar In My Sun | 013116 Happiness is hard to breathe when the cloud of anger and sadness looms overhead. |mar'16| #art #artwork #mixedmedia #acrylic #ink #digital #abstract #illustration #introspection #micropoetry
An unanswered pink phone
Sat upon her grave and rang–
Obviously it was God calling
To explain her gone too soon,
But only the moon heard
Until 2 goth girls’ photo shoot:
They read dates, did the math
Saw the phone, heard it ring,
Moaned in fear, but suffering
Predisposes nosey ghosting
So they lifted it, whispered yes…
A quiet voice intoned,
“Know this: I had no choice;
She needed to see me and
It was her free will.”
The girls fled, abandoned all
Fascination with the dead, and
Became hippies instead, for
Even deities are brought to
Their knees explaining suicide
If I were God, she’d wouldn’t
Have died; she’d still be alive–
But I’m a benevolent dictator
And no fan of deities offering
Painful bodies and free will
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Tomorrow is the big 28, but I don’t know if I could ever have a “Happy” Birthday. It was tomorrow, last year, that we were saying our final goodbyes to my brother before laying him to rest. I remember everyone saying, “You’re so strong” and I remember that the plastered smile on my face only got a little bit tighter, a little bit wider. It was such a tough week, to try and make sense of what was happening when literally, hours before the incident, I pulled all of the pictures I took of us and put them aside with intensions of resharing our memories again. Instead, those pictures were used last year, tomorrow, for his viewing. Last year, I was dead set on not wanting to celebrate tomorrow and I don’t think my feelings have changed much. All I can do is remember how much I miss him, I assume tomorrow may be the same. On the day to day, it’s a box I can hide in the back of my closet but today, the box is in my lap and the lid seems to be missing.
Not too many people understand this kind of loss, and I hope that those close to me, won’t come to ever understand it. When my Nana passed, and my Tata too, it was painful but one could make sense of it. I loved my Nana so much, she practically raised me and though she wasn’t around anymore… I could make peace with it. Honestly, I made it up in my head that she and my Tata have been traveling Mexico and are having the best time ever. I didn’t and don’t visit the cemetery for this reason. With my brother… It’s hard to make up that kind of story because, he has so much here that being gone just wouldn’t make sense.
Brothers and sisters are supposed be around with you all your life. You have all these inside jokes, stories to remind each other, memories to share, games only you and them know how to play. I can’t play the movie game with Stephen as well as Joseph could play with him, and Stephen can’t play silly text chats with me as well as Joseph could, and neither Stephen nor myself can say any of our punch line jokes the way Joseph could. It feels like a piece of our childhoods, a piece of our personalities have died away. Though Stephen and I have grown much closer, I can’t be for him what Joseph was and he can’t be for me what Joseph was. All we can do is understand that these parts are missing in each other and remember them together.
Joseph and I grew so much closer when we all moved to Flagstaff. We were close before then, I mean, I introduced him to Rap and even gave him his first Rap CDs, hand-me-downs, but still. We wrestled, collected Pokemon cards together, and he was my scary movie partner. He followed my lead. Moving to Flagstaff though, even while none of us wanted to, it really strengthened our bond. The move was hard on all of us, but Joseph was always pretty resilient. He could find the brighter side in almost any bad situation; he had all the jokes, the wit, the confidence. Flagstaff was fun while Joseph was around. He was the one to come out and build snowmen with me, and the one to make a boring visit to the mall a blast because he was just so funny. The fact that he liked shopping, even while being smart with his money was awesome. He was a great shopping buddy. He would tell me when I did and didn’t need to get something and be firm. It was fun too, to give him advice on what looked good and what didn’t. Stephen hates shopping, and doesn’t really like my tastes sometimes.
I just miss Joseph so much. He copied me but made it his own. The burger, the music, his style… I had a hand in that. I’m so proud that I could help him be who he was and it just saddens me so much that we had to part ways too, too soon. I remember bringing him down to Phoenix when he deiced to move here… It was the craziest snow storm I had driven in. I remember we sat in the NAU parking lot debating on whether to leave. When we finally just decided, we didn’t tell mom we left so late due to him being Mr. Forgetful, forgetting half his closet in the closet. It was funny and annoying but we just grit our teeth and went on with our trip. The heater wasn’t working and I drove with my window down so our windshield wouldn’t fog up. It was so snowy and windy and it seemed like all the other cars didn’t notice any of it. Joseph and I laughed the whole way down because we were bundled up and the only crazies driving with our window down. When I finally had to leave him in Phoenix, I gave him everything that was in my bank account. It wasn’t too much but I knew he’d be struggling since he didn’t have a job yet. We hugged each other and we cried because we would miss each other. We were scheduled to see each other the following weekend because mom was coming down, but we still cried.. Sis, I was his Sis.
I guess I feel like that moment is happening all over again. I’m sad, so sad that he’s not here but in a weird way, sort of happy that he’s moved on to bigger and better things. I have to believe that he has anyway, otherwise the box I’ve stuffed all my feelings in would never close. I guess he would want me to have a good day tomorrow, and well, a good day everyday… and I suppose I’ll try. I’ll always try.
Who had the biggest puddle of tears? The biggest fan of the losing team or me.
I didn't want to go to work today,
but secretly I'm glad.
It's only when I got home, I missed you.
It's not that I forgot you,
it just hurts to sit and... really think.
It's like a dream. It's like,
you're some imaginary friend
I used to have.
I hope that's not bad. You would
be the best imaginary friend of all.
Today it hurt, you know? I never really
made a big deal out of Super Bowl,
but last year we got together, just us.
It's only when I set my keys upon the table
and remember all our combined trays
of all the things we brought together...
I couldn't even finish the fresh fries
from down the street.
I'm scared to really think about you,
I'm scared because I think I might die.
I'm scared to try and go through a
traditional Super Bowl Sunday without you.
I'm scared of this year, and it's already in swing.
I can go six months
with thinking you're traveling,
but a year? A whole fucking year?
Joseph, where are you!?
I hear that question echo in my head.
There's an endless cavern between my ears,
he question has been ringing for so long.
I'm sorry I'm scared to think of you.
I'm afraid I would drown in my own tears.
I'm so sorry that I'm afraid, but I love you.
I still feel the embrace of our last hug,
I hope you know I'll hold onto that forever.
Buzz…
Hi, how are you?
I'm just here at my place
watching movies. What
are you doing?
…Read
Conversation always starts out so nice,
but the last time he bothered to check in
without prompt was… two weeks ago.
In the back of your mind you already know.
In the back of your mind, you already know.
Conversation always starts out so nice,
but five messages in, you are greeted with
a selfie from below the belt.
In the back of your mind you already knew.
In the back of your mind, you already knew.
Conversation took a turn,
but you want to keep it light…
You'll stop by just to say hi.
In the back of your mind you second guess.
In the back of your mind, you second guess.
You meet him at his door with a kiss,
you've kissed before, there's nothing wrong.
He leads you to his room for small talk.
In the back of your mind you figured.
In the back of your mind, you figured.
Even before you've reached for his snack,
your pet goldfish greets you with more love.
Even before you step out of the door,
your beloved pooch is already missing you.
Even before you hit the gas pedal in shiny Red,
your old car wishes you to wear your seatbelt.
All of this, but you won't get another buzz,
checking to see if you got home.
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Sometimes I want to run
Away from you, away from me.
I want to hate you,
I want to hate me.
Maybe it's my own hopes
Clawing in my throat,
Choking me in ways I never knew.
In one moment I feel like I can fly,
And as I feel the grand stretch of my wings
They're suddenly clipped away.
The Earth is so small,
I feel drowned as I reach the ground.
I feel chained
To a life I never knew,
I feel the weight against my ankles.
Running won't save me
From you or from me.
Sometimes I just feel dragged
Deeper into the Earth,
Suffocating on particles that once held life.
Hope isn't the air I want or need,
I crave for truth to fill my lungs;
Balance and conquer
The weight at my feet.
I was not meant for the Earth,
I was born among the stars.
Moments are fleeting, like the sun
dipping into the horizon.
Where are you now Sun?
The days are dark without your glow.
You left pieces of yourself in the hearts of many,
warmed them with the love that was only yours.
You left the color of wonder and beauty in the air,
but night draws in the cold.
Your embrace is lingering but faint,
I fear its loss in the memories to come.
I've done my best to sketch your hugs,
your breaths, and your sparkling smile
into the contours of my mind.
I can only hope to keep the sketch
as fresh as the scent you bore.
As much as you were sun for many,
you too were a tower to lean on.
Once twin to your brother tower,
you have left the structure of our strength
a bit weak, a bit soon, a bit...
You wished us together
and for you, our Golden Boy,
I will welcome many into my heart
and live the way you lived,
to teach others the lessons I have learned from you.
I love you, my little-big brother.
I only wish to be bound
by someone who can give me
a stare that makes me weak
in the knees. Save the binds
for bed, I'll need them. My
body will squirm for mercy
against his touch, but screw
mercy-- Make me scream. I
need to. I'm a quiet mouse,
with an inner lion that needs
to roar. Love me with firm
spanks and tender kisses.
I only wish to be made a place,
near a boot I can lean on.
I teeter and you totter
and we balance for mere seconds
on this ongoing ride.
Mere seconds I've cherished,
but pieces of me are going numb.
Your face is changing,
happy smiles disappearing
into grim expressions of…finished.
I want to reach out, and I do
yet the teeter and totter wobble me
into a more unbalanced state.
I wish you could hold me,
held by your strength I feel more whole,
I feel more strength, I feel more me.
I teetered and you tottered
and we had balance for mere seconds…
now, my ass is in the dirt and my hands
hold bleeding blisters.
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