Belle Douleur

So, I lied.

I say that I don't feel anything. I keep saying it. Repeating it.

Like a fucking mantra.

But I'm going to be real for a second and say

I feel a fucking ton.

I feel so much it hurts. I feel so much it feels like it's ripping out of my chest.

It sometimes feels like I'm just floating.

I feel like I'm out of place. Again.

It's... been awhile.

I haven't felt so off balanced in awhile.

I don't even really know how to say it.

What's wrong? I don't really fucking know.

It's such an out of body experience that I can't even explain it.

I keep wondering if this really is what life is.

I feel like no one really understands what I'm saying.

I feel like I could be in a room full of people and yet feel so alone.

I could be screaming and no one could hear me.

I just.

Want it all to stop.

And I've been thinking about unaliving myself again.

But.

I won't.

I know I won't.

Cause I can't let this feeling win so easily.

So before anyone does anything, I'm not gonna do anything stupid.

I promise.

I'm just feeling off atm and I need a drink.

A cigrette. Drugs. Something

Anything to feel like I'm alive again.

Till then. Stay hydrated folks.

Your shoes still in boxes

I send them your way

Hoping life brings you no new pain

I rearrange my memories

I try to rewrite our life

But no matter how I try to

And no matter how I want to

And no matter how easy things could be if I did

And no matter how guilty I still feel saying it

I wish I hated you

I wish that weren't true

Wish there was worse to you

I wish you were worse to me

Yeah, I wish I hated you

Our shadows dance in a parallel plane

Just two different endings

You learn to repair

And I learn to keep me in one place

So close and yet so far

If only we had known from the start

But no matter how I try to

And no matter how I want to

And no matter how easy things could be if I did

And no matter how guilty I still feel saying it

I wish I hated you

I wish that weren't true

Wish there was worse to you

I wish you were worse to me

Life is hard when

you're someone who doesn't like to feel a thing

but feel everything so much louder than most.

you're someone who hates getting attached to things/people

but you are oh-so sentimental about every god damn thing.

you're someone who hates attention and yearns privacy

but yet have such a loud presence and charming personality.

Sometimes it just feel like

I'm a big walking contradiction.

And as much as I love myself

I also kinda of low-key hate myself.

But I don't.

It's a double-edged sword.

You know what’s really messed up?

The fact that I thought only beautiful people deserve to be loved so fiercely and unconditionally. Only beautiful people deserved to be loved.

Which is why I didn’t think I deserved to be loved.

And yeah, I know it’s all completely messed up.

That there’s clearly something very wrong with me and the way my brain is wired.

Because I know that’s obviously not true.

But I couldn’t help myself when I looked at myself in the mirror and all I saw was broken and pain.

It’s been almost a year now. And I still miss you.

Why is it so hard for me to forget you?

Well— I know exactly why.

I was in love with you. I know I couldn’t admit at that time, but I was. If circumstances were different, I would have been with you. I would have picked you. It would always have been you.

And everything just came to such an abrupt end. Now I’m just left, still feeling hurt and missing you. I just wish we could have at least stayed friends so I know you’re okay. So that we could still talk. So that I wouldn’t have to miss you like this. I wonder, when you look back at it, do you think of all the good times we’ve had? or do you not think of me at all?

I wish you do. I wish you look back at those times and miss me. I wish you are having a really hard time not being able to just pick up your phone and reach out to me.

Just like I am struggling not to reach out to you.

I fucking hate that I can’t.

Welp. There goes another one.

I keep telling myself I'm not ready to write about you. I keep coming up with the excuse that it's only happened like 2 days ago and it's still too fresh for me to talk about. But in reality I'm just running away again. And I'm sick of running. or more like I'm tired of running away. It's still fresh. The emotions are still raw. That's a good time to write. So it's a dumb af excuse. This rambling too - procrastination. Yeah yeah, i'll get to it.

You're my best friend. Every time something good or bad happens, the one I want to talk to is you. and it's been two miserable days and I miss you. Man, I fucking miss you. It's so incredibly hard when you're attached to someone but you can't speak to them anymore. Well, technically I could but I know you don't want to hear from me right now. So I won't reach out. I shouldn't bother you. You're just trying to find your own happiness, and I respect that. I want you to be happy. Did you know? I'd do anything to make sure no one would hurt you. But that's my problem. Not yours. Not anyone's.

It's hard for me to open up to someone. I think that's obvious when everyone likes to ask me why I keep my cards so close to my chest. This is why. I care too much. I feel too much. I give too much. It's always been this way, and I've tried not to. care. feel. give. But I can never help myself. So instead, I just shut people out. Don't let them get too close. Cause I know who's going to end up getting hurt (the most) in the end. It's always usually me. People often forget. But I don't. It etches in my mind like a tattoo. As stupid as that sounds, but I guess I am stupid so haha there you go.

I'm sorry things are the way they are. I wish they could be different, I don't know in what way, but just different. I wish I could be selfish. I wish I could bring myself to ask you to stay. beg you, even. But I can't. You let go of the ones you love if they are happier without you. And I'm sure it hasn't been easy for you too.

I'm sad. but I am mad at you too. I know it's not your fault, or anyone's. But I am mad at you. I know you understand what I mean, and if I were to tell this to you right now, you'd laugh and tease me until I'm crying but laughing at the same time. I hate you, you dumbass. But you're my dumbass so I love you too. You'd probably pull that stupid face you always do that I hate but I can't help but laugh. ugh. I wonder if you know that I'm sitting here crying about you. I think you do, you know that I'm a big crybaby. You know how much you mean to me, I hope.

So who am I gonna tell stupid, meaningless shit to now? Who 's gonna show me retarded videos and laugh at stupid shit with me now. Who's gonna tell me off for being a dumb bitch when I'm being a dumb bitch now. Who's gonna laugh at me when I cry over stupid things that don't matter. Who's gonna keep me company when I have anxiety from work now. Who's gonna laugh at me when I shove stitch in their face.

sighs. Losing you has been hard ok? You're my best friend..

I miss you, man. I really do.

It's been a minute.

Day 20 of 2022 and it's been going great so far.

Work's been picking up, with the new project and new R&D room coming along. Family is doing great. Been making more time for friends and reconnecting with some old ones. Got over the heartbreak. Still consistently turning up for therapy and it seems to be working really well for me. Have, however, gotten really bad at responding to texts though- but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.

I don't know. 2022 seems hopeful. I'm definitely trying to work on myself a lot more. Focusing on things that matter to me most and letting go of things that have hurt me. Melissa (my therapist) has been of great help to be honest. I find myself finding more clarity in my thoughts lately. My mood has greatly improved as compared to the end of November. Those were honestly dark times.

It feels like big things are coming my way, and I'm not gonna lie, but I'm feeling all sorts at the moment - anxious, overwhelmed and nervous, but also excited, hopeful and thankful. I'm just really trying to get my headspace all cleared so I can put all my focus on the project at the moment and not have to worry about anything else but work.

That, of course, goes without saying, I'm not sacrificing time off for friends and family. It's all part of getting the good headspace I yearn for. Taking down time and spending it with people I care about most is just an important.

Slowly and surely, things that are meant to be mine will fall into place✨

lots of love,

If I could fast forward time and find you.

Where are you?

My one and only. My forever love.

I think about you every day,

without really knowing who you are.

I can't wait to meet you.

I can't wait to give you all the love you deserve.

I'll be okay. Because I've got the best people around me and I know they'll catch me even when I fall. and I know they'll always be there for me. I have the best cheerleaders who will support me through the toughest of times. I never have to be afraid again.

I should let someone know—

That something doesn't feel right.

It's like I'm colorblind

'Cause everybody's world's in color

I'll make my own with you each night.

I'll kidnap all the stars and I will keep them in your eyes.

I'll wrap them up in velvet twine,

And hang them from a fishing line,

I’m aware that most of my problems stem from the fact that I always hold my cards so close to my chest and I’ve built this massive wall around me that I never allow it to come down. Every time I form a relationship, I do this thing where I refuse to let people in. To a certain extent, I push people away at times. Especially when things start to get real and the moment I start to feel like I could really fall for someone, I bail and completely switch myself off so that I never let myself love someone. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Because I didn’t want to be the one who was left broken again.

I hate showing my vulnerable side. So I try to never depend on others — I am the same as a friend at times too. I don’t let anyone get too close and I never let the people I date know me fully. To let any of them love me. I feared that if I showed anyone my demons, nobody could ever love me.