“Wish me luck out there.”
“We’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of room.”
“We’ve all made a ‘Happy Birthday’ sign.”
“I don’t need to trace it. I know how big letters should be.”
“Yeah, but that past is the past.”
“I mean, we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly.”
“And I don’t like confrontation cuz I’ve never been in a fight before.”
“I don’t give off that vibe.”
“Some people give off that vibe of like ‘Do not fuck with me.’ My vibe is more like ‘Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you’.”
“I’m so open and vulnerable. I look like a doll that you point out molestation on.”
“Show us on this white comedian where the man touched you.”
“I got married since then.”
“I love saying ‘my wife’. It sounds so adult.”
“’My wife’ just has some kick ass to it, y’know?”
“Marriage is gonna be very magical.”
“I didn’t kill my wife!”
“Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife.”
“When I was a kid I used to watch ‘America’s Most Wanted’ and I would always think to myself ‘How could another person kill someone? How could a human being kill another human being?’ And then I got cheated on and I was like ‘Oh, okay. I’m not gonna do it but I totally get it’.”
“Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die.”
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
“It’s a bananas insulting expression.”
“You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own.”
“Ah-ha-ha, I take your milk!”
[ mooing angrily ]
“Roping in cows and getting milk out of them was never anything you were known for, ____.”
“A lot of people think that you like bulls.”
“Sure, s/he’s a bossy little Jew, but s/he takes care of you.”
“I was raised Catholic, I don’t know if you can tell that from the everything about me.”
“What’s the name of the bishop?”
“That’s actually stand-up comedian Dan Levy.”
“And a hush falls over the room.”
“I was a French maid for a period of time. I was treated well in my day. I worked for a variety of sirs.”
“Aw, she’s ugly.”
“Cause you know how you lie to your parents?”
“And then I got schooled because they introduced a bunch of new shit.”
“Have a nice day.”
“And also you having one.”
“I like having a puppy that’s a bulldog, ‘cause it’s like having a baby that is also a grandma.”
“Her body is young, her face is as old as time.”
“Oh, the things I have seen, you cocksucker.”
“_____ is my best friend in the world. I give her a million kisses a day.”
“Hey, you’re bad at being a dog.”
“Ah, yes, my title of alpha which I once had, how can I reclaim it?”
“You need to show dominance over your puppy.”
“Oh, yes, and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon.”
“We’re space aliens in a play about human beings that they wrote, but didn’t work that hard on.”
“You’re not eating dinner, cocksucker.”
“2029? That’s not a real year.”
“What, were you two in the Eagles together? What is the animosity about?”
“Stop snitchin’, motherfucker.”
“You’re never too young to learn our national no-snitching policy.”
“Hey, do you know what you’re supposed to say when a baby points at you and knowing says, ‘He has a penis?’. No, I”m asking. ‘Cuz I don’t know what to say in that situation.”
“It’s okay, s/he’s just going through that phase where s/he says penis and vagina a lot.”
“Well, y’know how I”m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.”
“I don’t know. I know you told me. But I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
“(First Name Middle Name Last Name), did you bite this nice man’s dick?”
“Hey, doesn’t anyone wanna know why his dick was near my biters in the first place? Isn’t anyone curious as to how I had access?”
“So, how’d you lose your arm?”
“Well, I was born with only one arm.”
“We’re not so different, you and I. You have your law practice, and I have all these fucking markers. I guess we both have responsibilities when you look at it that way.”
“My dad loved us, he just didn’t care about our general happiness or self-esteem.”
“My dad is cold-blooded. He once shushed a kid during Lion King on Broadway.”
“You remember being 12, when you’re like ‘No one look at me or I’ll kill myself’?”
“Ah! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!”
“Ooh, ducklings!”
“Too old to a be a duckling. Quack, quack.”
“My duckling days are behind me. _____, don’t you see? I’m a duck now.”
“Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.”
“He is a smooth and fantastic hillbilly who should be declared Emperor of the United States of America.”
“Oh, me? I’m just an old old man. I don’t have the appetites.”
“I slid in the room in my First Communion suit, ready to go.”
“He never forgets a bitch. Ever.”
“You can do whatever you want forever.”
“You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”
