Schinug

“Please, more John.” His eyes darkened, lips curling smugly. “Not so sleepy anymore huh?” He teased before moving me from his lap so I laid flat on my back. His forearms placed themselves on either side of me as he hovered his big body over mine. Eyes flitting over me he slowly lowered his head down, I felt my pulse speed up. His breath fanned over my face before he pressed his plum lips against mine. A soft sigh left me as he gently nipped my bottom lip. I raked my fingers through the dark strands at his nap, pulling teasingly at the hair. Logan groaned against my mouth, his fingers digging into my waist. One of my legs rose against his side, warping around his hip. John's deft fingers skimmed the hem of my t-shirt, creeping up my side, seemingly leaving a trail of fire on my skin. John's lips trailed down my jaw, moving down my throat. Back arching up, I pressed my chest against his as he sucks on the sensitive skin of my neck. A hushed “please” escapes my lips whilst I grip his shoulders tightly. John's lips left my skin, returning to my lips for a searing kiss. He lovingly rubbed the tip of his nose against mine. “What do you want beautiful?” His voice is husky, rough around the edges. My eyes are hooded when I glance at him, breathless. “You. I want you.” I whispered, pulling him down, pressing my lips hungrily against his. 

Just as he pulled my t-shirt over my head, my phone rang. 

I should have just ignored it, but when I peered over his shoulder and saw “Dad” flash across the screen it was like a bucket filled with cold water was dumped over me. I practically pushed Logan off me and dived for my phone. 

“Hey Dad." I enthusiastically blurt into the speaker.  

“Hey Kiddo, sorry for not calling earlier. I had a lot to do.”

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Staring blankly at the ice rink, my fingers stopped moving, laces dangling in my hands. I can do this. Blinking, I wretched my gaze from the ice and looked back down to tie my skates. 

This is fine. Tightening the knot I felt my jaw flex. Closing my eyes for a heartbeat I exalted and counted to ten. Eyelids fluttering, I nodded once and swung myself on my feet, staggering to the door to enter the ice. 

Positive thoughts. I reminded myself. Tomorrow I will hang out with the whole group again and it's also the first time since John and I were a couple. Life was slowly coming back together till the phone call. No. Shaking the memory from my head, I reminded myself why I was here. I have to finish this. Close the book. Bring it to an end. My heart was hammering inside my chest, drumming in a fast rhythm. It’s okay. Taking a tentative step onto the slippery surface, my whole body locked in. Spine straightening, leg muscle flexing. I skated purposefully into the middle of the rink. Coming to a stop I just stood there, taking in the calm, feeling the cold. It was empty and still, a sharp contrast to the hockey games when this arena was bussing with energy, fans hollering and cheering. Now it was just me. 

Scoffing my mouth twisted into a sneer. Yeah, cause he doesn't care about you. “Fuck you.” I whispered, weakly. I don't need you! I never have. 

Pushing myself off I started the first round around the rink. I could feel how the anger was crawling up my torso, constricting, burning, seizing my heart. But instead of spiraling into it like the times before, I focused on the frozen ground underneath me. I paid attention to the ridges in the ice, and how it felt gliding over them. Still feeling the storm brewing inside me, I started slalom skating, needing my mind to concentrate on something else. Taking a turn too hard my foot slipped right under me, tumbling down I managed to turn and land on my ass instead of my arm. Up on impact I closed my eyes, breathing away the sudden sting. I sat there for a moment, waiting till it subsided and pulled myself up again. As I went back to skating straight ahead, I wasn't so sure anymore if this was a good idea. Having the need to prove myself after one measly call was pathetic. Who are you even trying to impress here? You're all alone. 

“Hey! I thought we talked about this.” At the sudden sound of John's stern voice I lost my footing. I rowed wildly with my arms to regain my balance and actually remained upright. Clutching my chest, drawing in a relieved breath, I gave him a dirty look. “Do you want to kill me?” I skated over to the entrance where Logan was standing, looking unhappy. “Did’n mean to frighten you. But you broke your promise.” He pointed accusingly at me, eyes narrowed. “We said no more nighttime ice skating alone.” Stopping in front of him, I gripped the boards for stability and looked up at him. “No, we said no more secret ice skating at night. I texted you that I was going.” I corrected him. Smiling sweetly at him after did not work to untrouble him as I hoped it would. I haven't spoken to him since I pretty much kicked him out to talk with my father. He frowned. “Baby, what are you doing?” John sounded tired, which every normal person probably was after midnight. “I am skating.” He gave me a look, wordlessly calling me out on my bullshit. Turning away, I rested my chin on my shoulder. “I just need to work some things out.” His fingertips brushed against my jaw as he turned my head back so I was facing him. “What’s going on?” The frown had vanished from his handsome face, instead there was a worried look in his eyes. I had not told him. I hadn't told anyone. I didn't want to tell anyone. 

“Don’t worry, it's nothing.” I answered, trying to ease his mind. The frown returned. 

"So getting up in the middle of the night to skate is nothing?” The sarcasm was thick in his voice. 

“You do that too.” I crossed my arms defensively in front of my chest.

"I am a hockey player.” He said flatly.

“That argument is not as strong as you think it is.” I replied dryly. 

“Y/N.” 

“I don't want to talk about it.” My voice grew quieter, arms loosening. 

 “I have to work that one out on my own.” 

He signed, hands intertwining with mine. He brought them up to his face, planting a kiss on each of them. “You are not alone and you don't have to suffer whatever is going on alone baby.” He squeezes my hands for good measure, eyes peering into mine. 

“Suffering is a strong word.” I deflected. 

“Babe.” John nearly begged, head tilted down to get a better look at my eyes. I refused to meet his eyes, freeing my hands and hesitantly skating away a few feet. 

“It's really not that dramatic John.”

“Well, you make it seem dramatic.” He deadpanned. 

I level him with a frown. I didn't want to be dramatic, I just didn't want to talk about it. Is that a crime?!  I bit down on my lower lip, heads swimming with things I could tell him to sooth his mind without saying more than I wanted to. 

What I hadn't realised was that John was wearing his skates, so it took me by surprise as he effortlessly slid over to me.

“What did your dad say?” He sounded so careful, almost as if scared. I blinked astonished, heart plummeting into my stomach. “What- I didn’t- How?” I babbled confused, blood pumping faster. 

“So it has to do with the call.” He stated, nodding to himself. I balled my hand to fists, nails digging into my palm. Stupid girl. “Just leave it. I will skate a few more rounds and go to bed after.” I didn't wait for his response, just skated away. John of course caught up to me in seconds, he didn't even break a sweat. 

He leisurely skated beside me, not touching, not asking. He was just there. Don’t you dare depend on him. Sure now he has time, but for how long? A simmering heat bloomed in my gut, anger starting to wake again. I increased my speed, he followed. It made me even more angry, why was he keeping up with me? Just leave me alone! I need to do this alone. But it didn't matter every time I grew faster, he adapted in the blink of an eye. My chest felt heavy, tight, like a rubber band was stretched around my torso. Breathing was growing harder. Flexing my jaw with a determined look, I tried to ignore it. Breath in. Breath out. It's not that difficult! My vision started to blur around the edges, but I didn't need to see the edges, I just needed to move one foot in front of the other. We are all alone in this world, the only one really caring about you is yourself. He had said it as if it was so obvious that it was almost embarrassing not to know it. You know that kiddo, it's how the world works, you need to remember that. My stomach was churning. Yeah, I remembered. Remembered not to expect anything from my father, but he didn't mean to hurt me, he was just preparing me for the harsh world out there. It was truly foolish of me to expect anything else from him. A call after weeks of silence, just to give me some words of wisdom I didn't ask for nor wanted. I just want my dad to care. I felt resentful. Bil rose in my throat. 

What I didn't realise at that moment was that something in me was slowly unspooling. 

A threat coming loose, untangling a ball of hurt. Layer by layer, the fire in me grew smaller, till it was nothing more than ashes. Sometime around the final layers involuntary silent tears started streaming down my cheeks. Still John didn't intervene, he was just there right beside me, ready if I gave my consent. Blurry eyed, I slowed down. I was gasping for air, like I just ran a marathon. I was wobbly trying to get to the boards to stabilize myself but I tumbled. I was halfway down, Knees a breath away from hitting the ice when a strong arm encircled my waist and pulled me back up. I was heaving in his arms. Back pressed against his chest. It was too much. Too tight. “Let go.” I demanded weakly. A warm shiver ran through my body, then it grew cold. Head spinning, I half heartily trash in his embrace. “Baby.” He called softly, still holding me. “I can't breathe." I dug my finger in his forearm. “i cant-” My voice broke, desperately gasping for air. John carefully brought us down on the ground, finally letting go he moved in front of me. I was on my hands and knees, head hung low, breathing loud and heavy. His warm fingers cupped my face, tilting my head up. “Breath with me Y/N. In-” He took a deep breath, eyes commanding me to do the same. “-and out.” We did that for what felt like an eternity, till my head lay feebly in his hands and my breathing evened out. 

John tentatively pulled my closer. He rested my head against his chest and gave me a chaste kiss on the crown of my head. I felt so tired, my head full of cotton. “I wanted to show him.” I mumbled into his hoodie. Logan leaned his cheek on top of my head, humming. Swallowing, I continued. “He tried to teach me but- but I was soo soo bad. Constantly falling.” I grimaced, eyes filling with new tears. He put his arms around me, holding me. “He stopped. Said I wasn't cut out for it.” Sniffing, I grabbed the fabric of his hoodie. His arms tightened their hold around me. “I wanted so badly to show him, I could do it-.” Licking my lips, I shook my head. Disgrace. John's fingers stroked calmly over my back. I listened to his heartbeat. Sorting through my muddled thoughts. Suddenly a bitter laugh erupts from my throat. “He doesn’t need me.” I stared at the ice, the corners of my mouth pulling painfully to the side in a cruel grin. “I don't need him either.” My voice is pitching higher than normal. It sounds wrong. It feels wrong. Twitching, my body begins to shook violently in his arms. Eyes brimming with tears, I had to bite the inside of my cheek so as not to cry. Twisting against his chest, I leaned back to look him in the eyes. I took me by surprise to see his glazed over eyes, lips a hard line. My lower lip began to wobble, suddenly feeling so small. “Why doesn't he want me?” Voice breaking at the end, a barely human sound broke free from deep within me. A wail full of torment. Logan's voice breaks “C’mere baby.” He tries to pull me into him again but I shake my head. “I am not enough. I am…Iam weak- I don't deserve this.” I cry, shaking my head vehemently. He seizes my shoulders firmly but not hurting. “Look at me.” He rasped. I squeeze my eyes shut, weeping. “Sweatheart look at me. Please.” John pleas, moving his big hands to my face, thumbs rubbing the tears from my wet cheeks. I dare to raise my gaze and wish I hadn’t when I saw the hurt in his brown eyes. I hurt him. “I am sorry.” I bowed my head in shame. He was the last person I wanted to hurt. “Dont you dare apologize." John forced me to look him in the eyes. “You are enough. You are strong. You are the most amazing girl I ever met and it is a privilege to know you, to love you!” He declared, making sure to speak loud and clear. Willing me to believe him.  “No-” I begin to shake my head, but he stops me. “You are everything!” He seals it with a kiss. Not hungry. Not desperate. It's sweet and full of love. I can taste the salt of my tears, feel the tremble in his hands but it is still the best kiss we had shared. Warm and comforting. Home.

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We sat together in the bathtub, hot water warming my freezing bones back up. Logan's big body was a bit cramped but he didn't complain, just pulled my back tighter against his chest. The rest of the hockey house was asleep, bath illuminated by candles and the moonlight creeping in through the blinds. It was peaceful. Leaning my head bag against his shoulder I exhaled deeply, my throat a bit sore from crying. I was calmer, more collected.  He dipped his head, kissing my shoulder. “He is leaving, you know.” I absentmindedly draw circles into his skin. “Didn’t even tell me himself. My mom called shortly before our weekend trip.” His muscles tensed lightly. “Its probably the reason I came on to you like that. I wanted someone to want me…” I grew silent again. “I hope that was not the only reason.” John gently bites my earlobe. "Of course not.” I gave him a half smile.

“Good.” His nose followed the curve of my neck. 

“I tried to keep it all in, though if I just learned to skate I could prove that I don't need him.”

He hummed, signaling he was still listening. 

“I was pushing myself to the edge, trying to be tough.”

“You are tough and so fucking stuborn.” He mumbled affectionately into my skin. I scoffed, closing my eyes. My ear was pressed against his chest, right over his heart. 

“Thank you, for listening. Thank you for being here.” I mumble, looking up at him through my wet eyelashes. A warm smile spreads across his lips. “Always.”

“You are not sorry.” Hillary accused, at the same time, Vivien playfully called me a liar.

“Next time,” I called over my shoulder as I walked away. 

I was strolling out of the library with about a dozen books in my arms. Peering at the door handle, I contemplated how to get out as some girl held the door open for me. “Thank you!” I tilted my head to the side to look properly around the stack of books and gave her a wide grin. She smiled at me in return and entered the library. Walking down the corridor, I had to rearrange the books slightly so that they would not slide off. Maybe I should have asked Vivi to bring some with her later. Peeking around the books, I made my way over campus. A few people greeted me along the way. Some were from my classes, and others I met at one of the events Vivien had dragged me to. It has only been two months since I transferred, but due to Vivi's stubbornness, I have made quite a few acquaintances and gathered a small circle of friends. Yet another reason to skip a few parties.  It wasn't like it wasn't fun to dance and drink with my friends, but at the same time, it drained sooo much of my energy.

Deep in thought and partially blind, I ran straight into another person. Dropping nearly all my books, I stumbled backwards trying to regain my balance. Once steady, I crouched down on the ground, hastily picking up the papers the stranger had dropped. “I am so sorry.”  I apologized profusely, reaching for the water bottle that had also tumbled down.

 “Are you alright? I didn't look where I was going.” Ordering the papers and gripping the bottle firmly, I rambled on. “Again, I am terribly sorry. I hope the bottle is fine." 

Straightening to hand the stranger his belongings, a male voice gained my attention. “I will live. No harm done." My eyes widened, heartbeat stumbling. There are so many people on this campus; what are the odds? I hadn't given him much thought after the party; his existence had nearly slipped my mind. But here he was, lips curling into a smug smirk upon recognising me.

 “Well, well, well, I nearly didn't recognise you being so polite and considerate.” There was a cheeky glint in his brown eyes as he took his stuff from my outstretched hands. Fingers brushing against mine unnecessarily. Of course, it had to be him. Biting my tongue before I said something mean, I dropped back down to collect my books. Turning my back on him.  

“Cat got your tongue?” He teased, whilst also crouching down to grab one of the books. Ah, so now he wants to help. Pfff.

“I am sorry, okay?” I bit back a tad passive-aggressively, turning to him to take the book. 

“I got that part gorgeous.” He held the book out of my reach, clearly amused as I glared up at him. I exhaled, already annoyed but still trying to remain civil.  

“What do you want?” I asked, eyes on him. 

“I think you owe me a kiss.” Fuck my manners. 

“Maybe you should leave the thinking to others; it's clearly not your strong suit."

 A wide grin spread across his face, eyes crinkling at the corners. 

“Ah, there she is, you had me worried for a second there, spitfire.” 

Stupid, arrogant, tall, handsome idiot. 

“Give me my book, hockey boy, you don't even know how to use it.” 

He chuckled, clearly enjoying this “Come on, you can do better than that.” Tightening the grip on my books, I narrowed my eyes at him, blood boiling.

“Mmmh, bet you heard that a lot from your hookups.”

“Naa, they are usually too busy trying to remember their name.” He drawled, a lazy smile on his lips. His unwavering cockiness riled me up even more. He really knew how to push my buttons. 

“You sure they don't just try to forget yours?” Instead of growing defensive, he sauntered closer to me, still with a lazy smile on his face. My breathing quickened, body stealing itself for his closeness. As he stood directly in front of me, only the books separated us as he leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Interesting thesis, you wanna test it?” 

I felt my lips part on their own, goosebumps erupting on my whole body as his hot breath fanned over my neck. Blood rushed into my cheeks, warming them instantly. Leaning back just enough, his eyes traced over my face, the smirk widening when he no doubt saw how my body reacted to him. Horny Traitor! I was trying and failing to push down the tingling sensation in my lower stomach. Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I nearly groaned as all I smelled was him. I had to get away from him before my body made a fool of itself, but stepping back would be like surrender. I may surrender to literature, but definitely not to an obnoxious, smug Hockey Player. 

“For someone who seems to have it all going so well, you're really putting in a lot of effort here.” I taunted and pushed forward, pressing the books into his chest.

“Maybe I like putting in the effort, gorgeous.” 

Standing on my tiptoes, I leaned closer, my lips accidentally brushing the shell of his ear, making him freeze. 

“Well, it's the only thing you're putting in, lover boy,” I murmured huskily into his ear before getting back down. That one got him. Whilst he was momentarily caught off guard, I snatched the book from his hand and stepped around him. 

“I wish you a nice night with your right hand,” I called over my shoulder, not turning around or waiting for an answer. Time to get out of here before my disloyal libido decides to jump his bones. God, he was attractive. It's really unfair when fuckboys look good and are somewhat charming. I’m not calling him charming but… Nope, not charming. Shaking my head, I focused back on getting home without another crash. 

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I tossed and turned, tucking the blanket between my legs before pushing it to the side completely. I huffed annoyed, and stared at the ceiling. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his stupid face. Plump lips, curling into that sexy little smirk.  Arg. Snatching my phone from the nightstand, I opened Instagram. Searching for #BriarUicehockey, I lost some respect for myself. Pictures, fan edits, and video clips from games played on my screen. It didn't take me long to find Lonny, Johnny or however his name was. He was right there on my display, in the middle of the night. Soft brown curls, warm brown eyes, award winning smile. Number 22. John Logan. I was close enough, I guess. Whilst watching a clip of Lonny racing over the frozen ground, I had to admit it was mesmerizing how effortlessly he seemed to move across the ice. Biting my lip, I squeeze my eyes shut. You are stronger than the urges. Opening them again, I saw a clip of him taking his helmet off, flicking his hair back, wet curls stubbornly clinging to his forehead. Wow. Taking deep breaths, I repeated in my head over and over again “Don't do it”. As if it had a mind of its own, my hand slithered down my belly regardless, fingertips gracing the waistband of my panties.

Despite everything I told myself, alone, the memory of his body so close to mine, lips whispering against my ear, sent a shiver down my spine and ignited a spark in my core. Just one little touch. My fingers slipped beneath the waistband and tentatively between my already shamefully wet folds. Imagining his rough, strong fingers, I started to move my own in a slow circular motion on my bundle of nerves. My imagination was running wild as I heard a low rumble whisper in my ear. “Such a naughty girl.” Increasing the speed, I imagined hot breath fanning my neck, stubble scratching lightly against the sensitive skin of my neck. “Come one spitfire, you can do better than this.” A nip right below my ear. A soft moan slipped from between my lips. I felt a knot tightening in my lower stomach, fingers moving relentlessly. Just a little more. “You're doing so good, gorgeous.” Biting my lip to suppress the moan, I could practically feel the smug smile against my skin. A little more. I was arching my back off the mattress, coil ready to snap, breathing heavy. Please. Just a bit more. His face flashed before my eyes, brown eyes dark as night. “Come on, baby, let go for me.”

Snap. I groaned as every muscle in my body tensed, core desperately tightening around nothing. A tingling, warm sensation spread through my body, before all the muscles were loosening again. Falling back on the mattress, I felt my core pulsing. Chest heaving, I slowly came back down to earth. Oh god, I just masturbated thinking about John Logan. At that moment, I lost a lot of self-respect. Lying my arm over my eyes, I huffed. “What is wrong with me?! “ I muttered embarrassed into the silence of my room. That was a new low for me. Stupidly hot, annoying Hockey Boy. 

POV: John Logan

Thursday.

Tuck was getting ready to deliver the final shot, moving the hockey stick from left to right, flicking the little plastic ball forward. I leaned against the lamppost, arms crossed before my chest. “Easy Tuck, don't push too hard. Focus.” I grind, making him mutter under his breath as he took a wide swing aaaand missed the goal by two inches. Pushing myself away from the post, I grabbed the stick from him. “Told you to go easy.” I teased and patted him on the shoulder. He flipped me off before motioning for me to do it better. Bending my knees slightly, I gripped the hockey stick tighter and started to push the ball from side to side, effectively moving it through the small course we had built on the ground. Getting ready to shoot the little sucker into the small net I swung as I heard a familiar light voice. “Just give me a call when you’re there, okay?” My eyes snapped up; there she was. Expression soft, mouth pulling into a genuine smile. She was holding onto a green binder, talking with one of the freshmen from the hockey Team. WTF. I didn't even realise I fucked up the shot till Tucker's loud laughter brought me back. The ball was miles away from the goal, having rolled straight to Dean. Bullshit. Dean raised a brow and picked up the ball.

“You know you're supposed to aim at the net, right?” He smirked as he threw the ball. Catching it, I smile sarcastically at him, “Oh geez, why has no one told me before?” Tucker was holding his belly, still laughing. Turning to him, I pushed his shoulder, “Get a grip. It wasn't that funny.” I grumbled. He was shoving back, teeth showing in a broad grin. “I hope she isn't coming to the next game if it makes you fuck up like that,” Dean said, glancing in the direction I had seen her. Refraining from turning my head, I tightened the grip on the ball.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” 

“Who? “ Tuck asked, confused, following Dean's line of sight. Dean's eyes were practically glowing, full of joy at the prospect of embarrassing me. I raised a finger, pointing at him threateningly. “Dean.” 

“Oh, that's the girl who left Logan high and dry. Twice.” I narrowed my eyes at him, lips pulling into a thin line. “That's not what happened."

“He nearly creamed his pants when she pushed him against a counter.”  He snickered, dimples showing. Before I could make a move a heavy hand clasped my shoulder. “What's got you so riled up?” G looked from the grinning guys to my frowning face, my hands nearly crushing the plastic ball. 

“Just his girlfriend.” Tuck chuckled. Dean raised his hand “Nah, he wished. That little firecracker totally smoked his sorry ass, leaving him yearning.” Okay, I am definitely going to knock that bastard into the boards next practice. He will be black and blue for at least a week when I am finished with him. “She rejected you?” Garrett questioned a hint of amusement in his expression. “Bullshit. We talked at a party, that's it.” “You were leaning in to kiss her when she left you hanging,” Dean said matter-of-factly. “I am going to murder you.” I sneered at the blond. G arched an eyebrow. “Is that the same girl you ran into yesterday?”

I hate my friends.

My silence seemed to be enough for him as he also started to grin at me. “Okay, you assholes. We're playing street hockey or what?” I tried to change the topic and shoved the hockey stick into Tucker's chest, with more force than necessary. 

“Who is she anyway? There aren't many girls immune to Logan's charm.” G implored mercilessly. I decided to just ignore it and sat at the table nearby watching Tuck place the ball on the ground. “No idea, haven't seen her before, and I would have definitely remembered that sharp tongue.” Dean shrugged casually, standing beside Garrett, looking like they were talking about something mundane like the weather. But that fiery little thing was anything but. I have never met a girl like her. She seemed inconspicuous, don't get me wrong, she is pretty but not in a loud, showy way, more quiet and refined, but when she opened that damned mouth, it was game over. She was fast, brutal and looked so god damn hot whilst verbally assassinating me. God, just thinking about it got my cock twitching in my jeans.

Get a grip! I reprimed myself, focusing back on Tuck as he scored effortlessly. It is unclear to me whether Dean had called him over or if the freshman was just approaching us on his own.  “Hey Joe, how do you know that little devil?” Joe looked utterly confused. “What?” Rolling his eyes, Dean pointed in the direction where you had been standing a few minutes ago. “The girl you were talking to.” I was wondering the same thing. Why in the world was Spitfire telling him to call her? Like wtf. She wouldn't give me her name, but the freshman got her number?! Before I could stop myself, I glowered at Joe like he personally betrayed me. Which he kinda did. You don't hunt in your teammates' territory. “Do you mean Y/N?”

“Y/N.” I tested how her name felt on my tongue. G gave me an indefinable look, thoughtful to keep his expression neutral. The freshman looked curiously at me. Maybe I said her name a bit too loudly. Give me a break, man. “Yeah, how do you know her?” G implored, way too interested for my liking. Joe hesitated, clearly weirded out by this conversation. “She is tutoring me.” He shrugged carelessly. STFU.

It all happened super fast. They crashed against the counter, throwing down several glasses, beating and smashing each other before slamming into a table, Jared knocking Logan to the floor. I was on my feet rushing to them as Jared punched him in the face before John forced his elbow in Jared's stomach and rolled them around, now on top of him. “STOP IT!” I yelled desperately trying to get a hold of Logan. His fist collided with Jared's nose, followed by a cracking sound. Several other people came to help me separate these two. Two guys were holding Logan back as I stepped in front of him. He was not listening, eyes locked on Jared, thrashing around, wanting to free himself. Gripping the collar of his flannel  in a last attempt I jerked his head down to look at me. “That’s enough!” His gaze finally found mine, but there was still a wild fire burning in his eyes. “Please stop.” I pleaded, bottom lip wobbling. His movements ceased, eyes softening. When he was completely still, breathing slowing down the guys let go of him, giving me a questioning look, I nodded assuringly. “I got it, thank you.” John's eyes stayed on me the whole time. I spoke with Della, explaining what happened and that I would cover the expanse of the broken glasses. Jared sat in a booth with an ice pack for his nose, telling his side of the story to her whilst I sat John down in a chair, checking him for injuries. Putting an end to my fussing, he spoke for the first time since the fight broke out. 

“I’m good.”

“Your jaw is bruised.” I said concerned, fingertips carefully tracing the darkening skin.

“Nothing I can't handle.” He murmured and got a hold of my hand.

He pulled it down, but didn't let go just yet. 

“Are you okay?” There was a seriousness in his eyes, as he scanned my face quickly. 

“I wasn't the one who got punched.” I tried to lighten the mood when Della came over again.

She told us to go home, several other people having confirmed that Jared was harassing me and had started the fight, making him responsible for the damage. I thanked her profoundly and grabbed John's hand without thinking about it. We left Malone’s in silence, walking to his truck. It was when we were already driving that I started questioning why I even went with him. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. Sensing my discomfort he pulled over, stopping the car.

We sat together in silence, neither of us willing to make the first move. His grip on the steering wheel tightened, knuckles turning white. Seeing how tense he was, I swallowed my unease, this whole thing had to end. We couldn't keep going on like that. With my gaze fixed straight ahead, I looked down the dark street. “Thank you for sticking up for me.” He was uncharacteristically quiet as he mumbled “Always.” After another beat of silence, I saw from the corner of my eyes how he loosened his grip and let his hands fall into his lap. John took a long breath, steeling himself.

“I missed you.”

“Its only been a few days.” I mumble, downplaying the whole thing. “Nearly a week.” He tilted his head looking at my profile.

“I didn't want to fight anymore.”

“We do that a lot recently.” He acknowledged, though there was a certain weariness in his voice. I hummed, eyes dropping in my lap, fingers playing with a loose string on my skirt. Maybe now is the time to get it all out.  My eyes flicked to his face before settling back on my hands. “I have been in love with you for months.” I laughed humorlessly, lips twisting in a cynical smirk. “I was delusional enough that I thought I had a real chance.” Shaking my head in slow motion, I felt the now familiar sting in my eyes promising tears. “I am sorry that I ruined this friendship because I couldn't keep it in my pants.” I closed my eyes, feeling my heart clench painfully in my chest. That's the ugly truth, it was all my fault. Selfish brat.

“Thats not true Y/N.” I shook my head again. I didn't want him to console me. His hand settled on mine, drawing my gaze to him. “I ruined everything by being a spineless coward, afraid of his own feelings.” I furrowed my brows in confusion. The corner of his lips twitch, in a sad attempt to smile. “Turning you down that night was sooo fucking hard for me.” He swallowed. “I have wanted you since the first time we met.” It was like my head emptied itself leaving only white noise. “You are so pretty- No scratch that, you are smoking hot, which is also the reason your two protectors declared to the whole athletics department that if anyone of us even thought about touching you we would be six feet under.” I blinked sluggishly, my synapses working feverishly to make sense of what he had just said. It was clear that he meant Beau and Dean but- they wouldn't. Remembering the last week my hands clenched. I felt red, hot, anger flare inside my veins. They would. They did! Logan rubbed his neck sheepishly “So I kept my distance but you were around almost every day, hanging at the house. Looking gorgeous, making jokes with the guys, beating Tucker in Mario Kart, just lazily invading my space and mind.” His hand, which was still on top of mine shifted, fingers intertwining with mine. “Beeing your friend was the most masochist thing I ever did.” Huffing he squeezed my hand. “You drove me nuts.” Licking my lips, I carefully asked “But you never did or said anything because of some stupid hands off speech from the boys?” A mournful smile graced his handsome face, eyes turning downwards. “You're basically Dean's sister. A good Bro would never go for a friends sister.” 

Man are the dumbest creatures on gods green earth. I moved to detangle my hand from his but John wouldn't let me. “I know it is stupid and I am so so sorry for how poorly I handled your advances.” I sensed there was going to be a but as his dark eyes tried to pull me back in with a pleading look. 

“You were absolutely shitfaced that night. Even if Dean would not have promised to castrate me, there was no way I would take advantage of you like that. Never.” 

“So telling me we're just friends and to give you space was your version of looking out for me?” My tone turned sharper, eyes narrowing. 

“You were throwing yourself at me looking so fucking georguse.” He bit his lip. “My mind didn't work properly. The level of restraint I showed that night should be studied, okay.”

“Restrain.” I uttered in disbelief. “You crushed my whole self esteem, breaking my heart in the process and all you have to say is how hard you had to restrain yourself ?!”

Cringing, he cursed under his breath. “Okay, I am really bad with words, Sweetheart. So let me get this off my chest before I dig my grave any deeper.” His free hand rose to gently grab my chin, making sure I was looking at him. 

“I fucking love you.” My eyes widened, my heart stuttering. He didn't just say-.

“What?” I hushed breathlessly.

“I can't stop thinking about you. Day, night, even in the middle of fucking practice all there is is you.” His thumb was stroking my cheek tenderly. 

“You have a funny way of showing that.” I muttered, my throat closing up. Furrowing my brows i was confused. He just told me he couldn't make a move because of Bro Code but then he proclaims that he lo-..that he likes me. It didn't make any sense to me. Was this some fucked up prak? No. He may have crushed my heart but he wouldn't be that cruel.

“What about the dynamic duo?” I rasped, searching his eyes for the truth. He huffed irritated “Fuck ‘em.” Arching a brow I felt a treacherous tug at the corner of my mouth. Clocking it his own lips stretched into a hopeful little smile. “They messed this up enough as it is. I just want you to be happy again and if by any chance I can be part of that-” He didn't finish his sentence, instead giving me a meaningful look. My heart swelled, warmth pooling in my stomach. Okay, that's wholesome. I didn't know he could be this sweet. I felt my head move in a soft nod before I even made a concise choice. John's eyes followed the movement, eyes lighting up when he realised what that meant. “I’d like you to.” I shyly confirmed. Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth nervously, I waited unsure what now. But judging by the way his face progressively grew closer to mine he knew what to do now.

My eyes dropped to his slightly parted lips. Heart beat skyrocketing, as his tongue peeked out to wet his lips, I made a soft sound. Gaze flicking to mine, I noticed how his pupils dilated. “This okay?” He murmured with a suddenly gravell voice. “Yeah.” I whispered, moving closer so that the tip of my nose nudged his affectionately. John took a heavy breath before brushing his lips against mine. It was like an electric current shot through me, urging me to press my lips harder against his. His hand still cradling my face, moved to my hair as his lips moved hungrily with mine. Moving my hand up his broad shoulders, I buried my fingers in the hair at his nape. A low groan rumbled through his chest, his other hand grabbing my waist to pull me closer. Deepening the kiss I licked over his bottom lip. He opened his mouth eagerly, tongue darting out to tangle with mine. God he tastes amazing! I couldn't get enough of him, already drunk on his taste. As his hand slid from my waist to grab a handful of my ass a shamefully loud moan erupted from deep within me. Surprising even me. He pulled back, chest heaving, eyes blown wide. He swallowed breathlessly, thump moving over my swollen bottom lip. “Perfect.” He mumbled huskily.

Puls racing and brain fogged i leaned over and started kissing the side of his jaw that was not bruised. Seductively pressing open mouth kisses down his neck electing a breathy moan from him. “God I hate myself, but you got a stop gorgeous.” Johns hand softly grab my shoulders, halting my movements. Looking up, I couldn't mask the fear in my eyes having déjà vu. “Oh no, no, not like that baby. I swear I am totally into this, into you.” He is quick to reassure me, pulling my face against his chest, chin resting on my head. “But if you keep making those sweet sounds, I am gonna ruin my pants.” He sounded so serious about it that I had to stifle the laugh bubbling up. “Hey, that's not funny okay.”

“Who said you had to come in your pants?” I asked, feigning innocence. His grip on me tightened. He swore under his breath “You're killing me here sweetheart.” He gave me little kisses on the crown of my hair. “When i fuck you for the first time, it's not gonna be in my truck.” Heat bloomed on my face, heartbeat rushing straight to my core. He can't  just say that so casually. Wriggling out of his embrace, I cleared my throat and slid back into my seat. “Well then we should get going.” I tried to say casually, voice betraying me by cracking at the end. Logan swiftly leaned over and stole one last kiss before moving back behind the wheel and starting the motor. “Yes ma’m.” Glazing at him from the corner of my eyes I saw the big grin on his face. It was like the sun had risen. Meanwhile i was mentally going crazy. I just made out with John Logan, in his truck after he told me he lov-liked me. Somebody pinch me!  

Whilst driving he laid his free hand on mine, thumb moving in idly circles on my skin. I was so lost in the moment I violently jerked back when my ringtone split the comfortable silence between us. “Jeez.” Clutching one had against my chest, willing my heart to slow down the other fished my phone out of my jacket pocket. Logan chuckled amused beside me, throwing his blinker on to turn left. Facing my phone I saw Dean's name flash across the display. Okay, act normal. I briefed myself before answering the call.

 “Hey wha-”

“Are you hurt? Where are you?” Dean practically yells into the speaker.

“Hello to you too.” I said, moving the phone a bit away from my ear. 

“Hannah called Garrett, said some creep tried to harass you?” Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose. Of course. BUT he didn't mention Logan so I saw that as a good sign, maybe I didn't have to murder Hannah. “I am fine Dean. Promis.” John sat up straighter hearing his friend's name. 

“Where are you? I will come get you.”

“I said I'm fine and I am already on my way home.”

“Alone?! Where are you?.” 

“I didn't say that. A fri-.” I stopped. We are technically not friends anymore right? Logan's gaze swiped to me before focusing back on the road.

“Listen everything is alright okay? I am nearly home so you can calm down.” 

“Ducky-.”

“I will talk with you tomorrow. Night D.” I ended the call before he could continue to stress about his. 

“So Dean’s heard about the fight?” We turned the last corner, reaching my dorm.

“Kinda, he heard I had trouble with some guy. Didn’t say a word about murdering you so i think you're fine.”  I shrugged, reaching to unbuckle my seatbelt. 

“I don't plan on keeping you a secret Y/N.” He turned the motor off.

“John.” I hesitated, unsure what this even was. 

“I want us to be official and all that shit.” 

“You- Really?” 

“What did you think? That I declare my undying love before every hook up?” He asked sarcastically, raising a brow.

Suddenly feeling dumb, I lowered my gaze unexpectedly interested in the floormats.

“I wasn't sure, you don't really do girlfriends.”

“I didn't do girlfriends, that's right. But that was before you.” I looked back up.

“Sooo no more puck bunnies?” 

“None.”

“Just us. Exclusively?" 

“As exclusive as it gets, I am all yours baby.” 

Grabbing him by his collar I pulled him in, smashing my lips against his. After a searing hot kiss I pulled myself away from his lips with great effort. “I’d like to be your girlfriend.”

“You didn't really have a choice.” He smirked smugly, winking at me. Scoffing, I playfully shoved his shoulder. “Too late for that macho shit, I know you're a softy.” I chuckle, pecking his lips. Gazing at me, with a dreamy smile he pushed a strand of hair from my face “Only for you gorgeous.”

Dean's face morphed into faux shock. He clutched his chest dramatically, shaking his head slowly, “The betrayal, princess.” I arched an eyebrow, looking absolutely unimpressed. Vivien, who was still standing next to me, had been frozen in place ever since the blonde appeared, staring at him unabashedly. With the arrival of the second guy, it got only worse; by the looks of it, it was a matter of time before she would start drooling.

“I just wanted to be a gentleman and bring these two beautiful ladies something to drink,” Dean explained to his friend, gesturing between my roommate and me, blue eyes twinkling mischievously. I can't really explain what's gotten into me, but guys like him brought out the worst in me. “Please, you probably don't even know how to spell gentleman buttercup." I crossed my arms in front of my chest, giving him a mocking once-over. His brunette friend snickered, licking his lips, clearly entertained. 

“Well, I'd say you got a feisty one there bro.”

“You want in on the fun Sugar?” The corner of my mouth lifted teasingly, the challenge clear in my voice. His brown eyes found mine.

“You've always been this mouthy?”

“Only when it's not otherwise occupied,” I replied bluntly, maintaining steady eye contact. That seemed to have snapped Vivien out of her daze as she gasped loudly, clutching my forearm at the same time that Dean muttered “Hot damn.” I refrained from looking at her, settled on holding his gaze. I won't look away first. A slow smirk grew on his lips, eyelids dropping slightly. 

“You, princess, are dangerous.” Dean pointed at me, more eager than before. “Don't call me princess.” I snarked dryly. “Baby, I'd call you anything you want me to.” Jeez. That guy was absolutely shameless. I didn't spare him a second glance. 

“You should keep your friend on a leash." Dean huffed excessively. His brunette friend chuckled, “Yeah, but he would probably enjoy that.” His gaze lazily moved over my body. I subconsciously straightened, slightly puffing my chest. He unhurriedly stepped closer to me, placing his hand on the counter beside me. Vivien discreetly backed off, mouthing “Go girl” before leaving me to fend for myself. I immediately felt the warmth radiating from his body. His big body. The guy was at least 6 '0 with broad shoulders, towering easily over me. 

"What's your name spitfire?” His voice dropped an octave. 

As he leaned closer, I felt my treacherous heart beating faster. Keep it together. Meeting his flirtatious gaze, I defiantly lifted my chin. “Wouldn’t you like to know Heartthrob?” 

“Heartthrob?” He questioned, bemused, brow raising. 

“Based on the eyes following you around the room, I'd say so, yes.”

“Aren't you an observant little thing?”

"I am not little.” He straightened just a little, smiling smugly down at me. 

“For a woman,” I added begrudgingly, rolling my eyes. 

He just hummed, “Sure, gorgeous.” 

What a pompous ass. 

“Now, why don't you put your claws away and tell me your name pretty?” His hand lifted to brush a strand of hair behind my ear, but I gripped his wrist before his fingertips could touch me. One could tell from his cocky attitude that he usually got his way. Not on my watch, baby. I let go of his hand, taking a step towards him, diminishing the space between us. Even though the motion caught him by surprise, his body reacted on instinct, now fully leaning back against the counter. I placed both my hands on either side of his frame, effectively caging him in. He was clearly stunned, eyes widening momentarily before he caught his cool again. 

“So, does this whole smoldering look and pet names usually get you lucky?” I scoff nonchalantly, leaning into his space. He didn't shy away; he leaned closer, his head bent down a little to meet my gaze. “I can’t complain. What about you, little miss sunshine, does this whole snark and bite work for you usually?”

“Most definitely, keeps the fuckboys away.” I bit back, eyes blazing, heartbeat accelerating. “How so?” He inquired, shifting closer, breath fanning over my face. 

“They like easy prey; they don't want to work for it.” 

Our faces were inches away from each other, the tip of his nose faintly brushing against mine. My eyelids fluttered closed for a treacherous second before meeting his heated gaze again.

“You’re definitely not prey.” He murmured, gaze wandering from my eyes to my lips. 

For a second, my breath caught in my throat, eyes darting to his lips. His really kissable lips. He subtly tilted his head, leaning in to close the gap between us. Right before his lips could touch mine, I mumbled, “You’re right. I am not.” 

Pulling away, I smoothly stepped back. The bewildered look on his handsome face was priceless. I couldn't hold back the small laugh escaping my lips. Biting back a smile, I winked at him, “Good luck next time, honey.” 

Turning my back to him, I weaved between drunk students, vanishing from his gaze. When I was sure he could no longer see me, I stopped in a relatively empty halfway. Pressing my back against the wall, head leaning back, I took a deep breath. Dear God. My whole body was buzzing. I could still feel the ghost of his lips so close to mine. Closing my eyes for a moment, I let the sounds around me drown out the voice in my head. Laughing, singing off tune, cheering, clinking bottles. Just a stupid party. Nothing unusual, except for the unfairly hot playboy I nearly kissed in the kitchen. To hell with my disloyal hormones. “Y/N!” Delicate hands grab my forearm.  Casually peering down at my friend, Vivien was basically vibrating beside me. She opened her mouth just to close it again, obviously at a loss for words, before a big grin was plastered on her face. I scoffed, "You're looking like the cat that got the canary.” Vivien's grin widened if that was even possible. “Who the hell are you and what did you do with my shy, timid roommate?” Cringing, I let my head fall to my chest. “Don’t even start, please.” I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face. 

“Are you kidding? This was amazing. You totally hit it off with Logan.” 

“Who?”

“OMG Y/N!” She hit my arm with surprising force, face fully animated. 

“John ‘Please Fuck me’ Logan. One of the most sought-after bachelors in Briar and star hockey player.” Wow. I was genuinely astonished by how hyped she was about this guy.

“Hockey?”I drawled, pushing myself off the wall. Yeah, that made sense. He was for sure built like an athlete and overly confident as one with such a title would be. 

“Have you learned nothing here?” Viven laughed, throwing her hands dramatically in the air as she followed me in the direction of the front door.

“Sorry, I must have missed Playboy 101.” I playfully pushed her shoulder.

“Okay, but for real. What was that? You were on fire girl.” She stared at me like I held the holy grail. “That was my defense mechanism." She blinked, confused. “First of all, why would you need defense from two smoking hot guys interested and second, when that's defense, what the freak does attack look like?”  Blushing fiercely, I raked my hand through my hair. Having reached the exit, I grab the doorknob. “Can we just forget about this?” She wanted to say something as she registered where we were and that I wanted to escape. Her smile immediately turned into a disapproving frown. “Where do you think your goin?” “Home.” I innocently shrugged my shoulders, showing my teeth whilst smiling. “No, you promised to meet new people!” She complained, stomping her foot. Tracking slowly backwards through the open door, I raised my pointer finger “I met Bean and Lonny.” Her jaw went slack before she shook her head, recalibrating. 

“It's Dean and Logan!”

“Same, Same.” I waved it off, having reached the steps. 

“See you at home.”

“Y/N!”

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🅰/🅽: Shout out to my friend @tanathereader for proofreading and for her general support ❤️

He was knocked out cold. It has probably been a long day for him, studying, gym, practice and then I had to stubble in his way. Stealing the last bit of energy from him and now also his bed. Hopefully he won't have a sore neck tomorrow. Well, later today. Looking  at the clock, I sighted and shuffled back into the middle of the mattress. Come one, sleep. Letting my eyelids drop I willed myself to sleep. Burring my face into his pillow, being engulfed in his scent, I imagine lying in a hammock, softly rocking from side to side. Slowly getting lulled to sleep with John's sleepy noises in the background of my mind. Dreaming of his soft lips on my face.

I didn't question it when a heavy arm draped itself over my waist, pulling me into a warm chest. Instinctively snuggling closer I subconsciously heard a deep satisfied moan. 

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Loud yelling ripped me out of my dream. Groaning, I nestled back into my pillow willing to ignore it. “Will you two shut the fuck up!” Logan shouted, voice groggy. I jerked back, it was like he screamed directly in my ear. Furrowing my brows, I cracked one eye open. About a hair’s breadth away from my face was John's Shoulder. On the bed. John had his pillow pressed against his face, cursing muffled through the fabric. Coming fully to it I realised that one of my legs felt strangely heavy and warm. Flexing my thigh lightly I felt him tense beside me. Yup. My leg was tangled with his. Skin on skin. John painfully slowly pulled the pillow down his head, still facing the ceiling. His eyes darted to the side when he caught a glimpse of my puzzled expression; his gaze immediately snapped back to the ceiling. I wasn't sure if I was imagining things but I could have sworn the tips of his ears turned a rosy red. He swallowed once before turning his body to face me, legs consequently untangling from mine.

“Hi.” I mouthed shyly.

“Hi.” He rasped, gaze flitting over my face, stopping at my warm cheeks. A lazy smile played on his lips. My heart stuttered.  

“How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

"That's good.”

I was too tired to bring up the elephant in the room. I had no idea when or why he had come into bed and cuddled up beside me but for now I was just accepting it. So we just lay there, faces inches from each other, existing in each other's space. At one point his eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully. Deliberately raising my hand I move my index finger to touch his forehead. He followed my movement with his eyes. I gingerly smoothing down the creases on his skin. “You will get wrinkles if you keep doing that.” I breathed softly. He looked at me absolutely mesmerized. John opened his mouth to say something when he's interrupted by loud knocking on his door. “Yo Logan, you up man?” With that the spell broke. I pulled my hand against my chest like I had been burned. Back to reality.  It wasn't only him and I, we were in a house full of hockey players. “Yeah.” Logan yelled annoyed, rolling onto his back. Instead of further communication the door opened “When did you get home? You were gone forever.” Garette strolled casually into the room until he saw me. Flushed cheeks, wide eyes like a deer caught in the headlights, hands clenched into the blanked. Right beside me a shirtless John, mused hair having just leaned up on his elbows. “G.” Logan said, holding up a hand as willing him to wait. Garrett Graham was speechless. He blinked once, twice and then he turned around and left the room, wordlessly closing the door behind him. Oh no. This looks so wrong. 

“He won't say anything.” A big hand gently laid on top of mine.

“You don't know that.” I pulled my hand away, sitting on the edge of the mattress.

“Yeah, I do.” John sat up fully, blanket pooling in his lap. I have to get out of here. Swinging my legs over the edge I jump out of his bed, hurrying to pull my legging on. “Hey, calm down.” He tried to soothe me. Not listening, I continued. Logan stood up and hastily pulled on some sweats before coming in my direction. Upon seeing his hands raise in the air, like he was approaching a frightened animal, I snapped at him “I am calm.” Swiftly taking off the shirt that he had lent me and threw it at him. He caught it effortlessly “Oh yeah? That why you look like you're hightailing it?” Sending him a glare I wrangled my hoodie on. Scratching over my cut in the process. Fuck! That stings. “Stupid bullshit!” I cursed under my breath, gritting my teeth in anger. 

John was on me in seconds “Did you rip the cut open?”, hands on my shoulders scanning my head for any trace of blood. Pushing his hands away I tried to step around him when his hand shot out to grab my forearm. “What are you angry at me for?” He squinted at me, lips pursed. “I am not angry. I just want to go home. That allowed?” My eyebrow arched questioningly. He scoffed letting my hand go, it fell numbly to my side. Turning his back to me he shook his head slowly. “Why do you keep doing this?” He spun around face contorted in agony. “Is this still about the trip? Because I am sorry, okay. I didn't realise that I hurt you okay?!” John's voice grew louder with every syllable, clearly agitated now. Didn't realise? I heard my blood rushing through my ears. He didn't realize. My teeth sank into my lower lip, eyes glazing over. Fuck. I swallowed a lump in my throat and let out a humorless laugh, my lips strained in a tight grin. “You are either the biggest jackass or just an absolute bastard.” A stray tear escaped my eye, rolling down my heated cheek. John had the audacity to act taken back. That was the final straw. “What are you-” I didn't let him finish, I was so god damn tired of this back and forth. “I can't do this.” Gesturing between him and i. “It fucking hurts, one moment you’re my friend then you yell at me, nearly kiss me after all that speech about just beeing friends.” My stomach turns, bill raising. “Y/N-.” He tried but i was not finished yet. “What do you want from me? Huh? Taking care of me, just to tell me you don't want to be my friend anymore and then climb into bed with me, cuddling?” My voice broke. “You kep fucking with my head, and i cant do that right now.” I whispered hoarsely, pressing my fingernails into my palm to anchor me. I can't take it. It's too much. I looked at him one last time, heart clenching painfully in my chest. "Good By John.” 

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I had left him standing, rushing down the stairs and out the door before anybody could have stopped me. I angrily wiped away the tears, sniffing weakly. When I entered my dorm, I was greeted with suffocating silence. Right, Tessa is at her family’s. But that was good, no witnesses to see me crumble. Slumping down on my bed, I curled in on myself. Back to suffering it is. 

But at some point there's just not much sadness left in a person, you can only shed so many tears before you feel as if you've been hollowed out. It's funny in a way, when i was a kid i never really cried, i kept it together but as i grew older it was getting harder to control my emotions, i think i have never cried so much in my life like in the last week. It only made sense that at some point the well would run dry. 

So I got up, went to the kitchen and stuffed my face with ice cream. Thankful that we always had an emergency Ben & Jerry's Cooky Dough in the freezer. I sat on the kitchen counter, legs swinging slightly whilst I shoved scoop after scoop into my mouth. Eyes unfocused, I stared ahead. Maybe this apathy is better. Being indifferent to the heartbreak, the disappointment. Sure seems easier. The image of my father flashes before my eyes. Scoffing, I wrapped my lips around the spoon. He would tell me it's only easy when you're not giving your all, wasting your potential. There's always more to achieve, someone to best or higher expectations to meet. Setting the ice cream aside, I grabbed my smartphone. I heard the first ring before I comprehended what I was doing, she answered before it could ring a second time.

“Hey honey, it's nice of you to call.”

“Hi mom, am I a disappointment?”  

The line went completely silent.

“What?” 

“Am I a disappointment?” I repeated, voice emotionless.

“Why would you ask me that? No, you're not.”

“Are you just saying that because you're my mother or because you mean it?” 

“Y/N Y/L/N, i dont know where this is coming from but i am so unbelievably proud of you. You are an exceptional young woman.” 

“Then why does it feel like I am never enough?”

“Did something happen?” 

“A lot actually.” 

“Then talk to me honey.”

So I let it all out. Spending the next hours filling my mom in on all the messy details of the chaos I created. She listened carefully, asking questions from time to time but never once judging me or my decisions. She did fuss over the whole injury thing, especially the cut from last night but other than that she stayed calm. I am lucky to have a mom like that. Once we were through she kept coming back to the skating part.

“I don't understand where the need to skate comes from. Is it because of John?” 

“No. I-..I just wanted to accomplish something.”

“But you never showed interest in ice skating, you only went once as a kid.”

“I know.”

“Maby you could try something less dangerous, like knitting.”

I chuckled. “It's not dangerous, I am just terrible at it.”

“You are still learning, you can't expect to be pro right away.”

“I think there is a difference between a pro and someone not stumbling around like a fawn.”

“Bambie is really cute.”

“Mooom.” I groaned embarrassed. 

“What? There are worse things to be compared to.” 

I stayed silent for a moment, turning serious again.

“Thank you, for this.”

“No problem hon, next time maybe call sooner yeah?” 

“I hope there is no next time.”

“Oh, you're still young.”

“Thats really encouraging.” Her laughter echoed through the speaker, making me smile.

After the call with my mother I texted Beau. I was still upset with him but ghosting him was wrong. It was nothing big, just a short “Hey, I need a bit of space right now.”

I used the next couple of Days to focus on my studies. Either studying in the library or my room, not exactly hiding from the other but keeping a healthy distance. I sporadically gave Dean a sign of life so he could “secretly” inform the others that I was doing okay but other than that I stayed away from them. It felt easier to get over Logan when I was not around his friends, even though they were my friends too. I stayed away from Malone's, I stayed away from the rink. Studying, spending time with Tessa, laying awake at night trying not to think about him. On day eight I texted Beau, willing to talk about it. We met at a little coffee shop off campus. 

He was already sitting at a table in the corner, waiting for me when I arrived. Upon seeing me he stood up, eyes lighting up. “Hey, Ducky.” There was no trace of his usual easygoing nature, he was nervous. “Hey.” I nodded and pulled out my chair. He sat down, hands on the table, fidgeting around with a pack of sugar. Seeing him like that, made my chest compulse. He was my best friend, with which I spent so many hours messing around. We studied together, we went to the theater together, I was at every game of his. As I brushed back a strand of my hair I confessed that I missed him. His hands stopped moving around. “But I am still hurt that you didn't listen to me and told Dean that false story from the Trip.” His eyes dropped on the table. "That's fair.” So we talked.

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Shrugging off my coat my phone buzzed. New message from my roommate “Hey, my sister's boyfriend broke up with her. We're at Malone's hating men and having a few drinks, come join us!” Whilst Tessa didn't know the full story she had heard a few rumors from the puck bunnies that the boys and I were fighting because one broke my heart or something along that line. Biting my lip I contemplated staying in, as I saw the three dots appear as she wrote another message. “It will be fun +  no hockey boys in.” One drink can't hurt. I gave her a thumbs up before I could change my mind.

Entering Malones I spotted Hannah right away. She was waiting on a table right in front of me. She was grabbing two empty glasses, looking up when she heard the door. Her practiced service smile faded slightly. I lamely waved at her. Her smile turned warmer, little crinkles appearing at the corner of her eyes. “Y/N, over here.” Turning to the left I saw Tessa and her sister sitting in a booth, calling me over. I gave Hannah a curt smile and went over to the two girls. “Hey.” I sat down beside my roommate, facing her older sister. She had graduated from Briar last year, moving to Boston with her boyfriend. Well, know Ex. 

“How are you Y/N?” Her eyes were red rimmed. “I am fine, how are you holding up?” “She is debating whether to call him.” Tessa interjected, tone clearly showing her feelings about this. “People make mistakes." Her sister hissed. “Sleeping with another woman is more than a mistake.” Oh. My eyes widened, that was horrible. “But throwing away a four-year relationship because of a single misstep is also a mistake.” Maybe I should have stayed home. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “What would you do when you'd see the love of your life fucking with another woman?” Tessa turned to me, dragging me into this. Well, what did I do? Joking about it whilst being his friend pretending not to die a little inside every time it happened. 

“Uuhm, leave him?” I tried, hoping it was the answer she wanted to hear. 

“Offcourse you leave him.” She exclaimed, hand slamming on the table. 

“You don't understand, love is not something you just throw away Tessi.”

“Dont belittle me, if he really loved you he wouldn't have done it.” 

Dear god, she is brutal. Her sister flinched, eyes filling with fresh tears. “I think that was a bit harsh Tess.” I gave her a look. My roommate sighed, rolling her head to the side. “I am sorry, I could have said that nicer but it's the truth.” Her sister sniffed quietly, hands gripping her empty glass. Seeing my chance to escape this, I stood up “I will get another round.” “Thank you.” Her sister mumbled handing me her glass. I gave her a reassuring smile and ventured over to the bar. Placing the glasses on the counter, I let my shoulders drop. Lucky me that I didn't talk with Tess over my heartbreak, she would have grilled me. I knew she had a point but her delivery was seriously lacking. “Hi, how are you?” Hannah's soft voice brought me back. Clearing my throat I nodded awkwardly, “Oh I'm okay, how about you?” “Good, but we miss having you around.” She took the glasses and placed them behind the counter. “Yeah, I just needed a bit of time to clear my head after-.” I stopped, looking away from her. “I can understand that, but just know we are here when you're ready.” Hannah was the kindest person I ever met. Her words warmed my heart, the corners of my mouth automatically tilting up. “I appreciate it.” Changing the topic she nodded to the menu “What can i get you?” “Two aperol spritz and a coke please.” “Alrighty.” She turned preparing the drinks.

“Is this seat taken?” A deep voice rumbled behind me. Turning my head slightly I had to look up. Standing there was one of the freshman football players, I had seen him at a few games before. He was at least 6’2 with impossible width shoulders, short dark hair and light blue eyes. Combined with his charming smile he definitely pulled off the Clark Kent look. He was objectively good looking. "Nope, this seat is free." I scooted over a little. He sat down beside me, facing me. “Y/N right?” “Correct, sorry I don't remember your name.” I gave him an apologetic smile. He shook his head grinning “All good, we never really talked before. I am Jared.” He stuck his hand out for me to shake. Laughing at the gesture I shook his hand. “Well it’s nice to officially meet you Jared.” His full lips turned into a flirtatious smirk “Long overdue.” Okay, somebody is confident. Hannah placed the two Aperol in front of me, giving Jared a curious look. She met my eyes raising a brow, I just shrugged. I had no idea where this was going.

“Sorry we are out of coke, I have to get one from the storage.”

“Oh, no I can drink something else-” I started to protest but she was having none of it.

"No, it's no problem, I will be back in a few.”

Jared looked surprised at the two drinks in front of me “Planning a wild night?” Shaking my head I smile sheepishly “These are actually from my friends back there.” I nodded at the booth where Tessa was now sitting beside her sister, rubbing her back soothingly. Catching Jared's questioning gaze I supplied him with the basics of the situation.

“Break up from cheating boyfriend.”

He grimaced “Ouch.”

“Yup.”

Turning his attention back to me he asked “So you will probably leave once your coke comes?” I tilted my head slightly deciding to give this a chance. “You sound like there is another option?” His eyes light up “You could come back here, talking up a stranger.” “Ah Strager, huh?” “Yeah, some good looking athlete mabey.” Pretending to search I turned my head looking around the bar. “Hm, I can't seem to find any.” A teasing grin on my face. His finger gripped my chin directing my gaze to him. "How about here?” A blush spread across my cheeks. I chuckled nervously. Once Hannah returned with my coke I gave him a quick nod before walking to the table with the Aperol. “See you in a minute princess.” Jared winked at me. Walking over to the booth, I pondered if I would just leave him there. He seemed nice enough. Just talking. Tessa was grinning when I set the glasses on the table. “I see you have found company?” Casting a glance over my shoulder I saw his bulking frame, eyes on me, waiting. Well. What could go wrong? “Yeah, but-.” She interrupted me immediately. “No buts, go have fun. We can manage just fine. Right Soph?” Her sister gave me a weak smile, eyes puffy from crying. Contemplating it for a beat, Tessa gave me a shove. “Go!” Shooing me away with her hands. 

Taking a deep breath I strolled back to the counter, reassuming my seat. “Hello again, pretty lady.” He flashed his pearly whites. Okay, a bit cheesy but it could be worse. 

And it got so much worse. I think I've never seen anyone turn a conversation into a total train wreck in under four minutes. I can't even explain how I found him charming in the first place. That guy had zero-game. Nada. Niente. The only thing going for him were his looks. But I was stuck in this conversation, I didn't know how to get out of this, every time I tried to say my goodbyes he reeled me in again. 

“You got yourself a man?” Abroad Mission! Someone get me out of here. I helplessly shook my head. He didn't seem to catch my unease, lazily placing his hand on the back of my bar stool. “Well lucky me. I have to say you caught my eye a few times.” he leaned closer to me, eyes raking over my body. “Especially your pretty legs.” His other hand traced lightly over my thigh, placed itself slightly over my knee. My spine snapped straight, shoulders locking. You don't just touch people like that! My breathing quickened, eyes snapping to his in bewilderment. There was a cocky smirk plastered on his face, oblivious to my body language.  Time to set him straight. “Let go!” I told him firmly, hand pushing his from my leg. Instead of listening to me he grabbed my hand, thumb rubbing over the back of it. “I know you normally do Hockey guys but trust me we footballers are way better .” “What?” Did he just insinuate that I slept with the hockey team?! “I could show you a really good time.” Teeth flashing in an arrogant smirk. I tried to tug my hand away from his “Not interested.” I hissed, irritation turning into anger. “Come one baby, let loose a bit. I'll make it worth your while." Jared tightened his grip. “hey!” I protested as he pulled me in his direction. 

“Get your fucking hands off her before i break both your arms!” A chill went down my spine hearing the calm rage in John's voice. Lifting my head I saw his enraged face. The warmth I normally found in his brown eyes was replaced by pure cold. Jaw so tense I could see the veins pulsing in his neck. He looked lethal. Jared halted his movement, tilting his head to glance at Logan. I could observe in real time as he recognised the very angry hockey player beside him. He let go of my hand holding his up in mock surrender. “No need for that. We were just talking.” He shrugged lazily. “Well now you're done talking.” John spit, voice frosty as he moved in the space between the footballer and me. Establishing clear boundaries. “We were just getting started.” Jared's eyes flickered back to me, winking. Does this idiot have a death wish?! He squared his shoulders and stood up, eye to eye with Logan. John tilted his head, his knuckles cracking with a slow, deliberate sound that cut through the bar's noise. “Walk away while you’re still able to.”

A/N: Hey you guys, sorry this took so long. This part is a bit messy but i hope you still like it.

It went surprisingly fast, not a lot of people in the ER at this time of night. I laid on a stretcher in an examining room, Logan standing with his arms crossed beside me. Even though I told him I would be fine on my own. A middle aged woman in blue scrubs opened the door, eyes focused on her tablet. “Miss Y/N Y/L/N?“  “Yes.” “My name is Dr.Harding, what brings you here tonight?” Her eyes lifted from the screen giving me a quick once over. “I hit my head, pretty hard.” “She probably has a concussion. Said she was feeling nauseous and dizzy.” The evenness of Logan's voice was betrayed by the worried frown on his face. He tried to sound casual but even to me it was clear that he was antsy.

“Who are you? The boyfriend?”

“No.” “He’s a friend.” We said in unison, not meeting the others' eyes.

“Are you comfortable with him here?”

“Yes.”

Dr. Harding quickly glanced at him from the corner of her eyes and moved to take a closer look at me. “Okay, can you determine where exactly you hit your head?” I lifted my hand over my head, fingers pointing in the general direction of the most pain. The Dr.Harding's gloved fingers gently went through my hair searching, stopped and slightly prodded the outer line of the cut. I winced, squeezing my eyes shut. “There is a small cut here, it's not very deep so we can glue it.” “Okay.” I didn't really know what else to say. Next she held a little lamp in front of my face telling me to follow the light.

“How did you hit your head?”

“I fell.”

She raised a brow, putting the lamp away. “Your Pupil reaction is fine.” She tipped something on her tablet.

“Can you be a bit more specific where and how you fell?”

“I was ice skating and fell straight into the boards.”

“You skated like that?” She pointed at my hoodie and leggings. Her disapproval was palpable in her dry tone. I gave a shy nod. “Please remove your hoodie, so I can take a look at you and measure your blood pressure properly.”  I struggled slightly to move the hoodie over my head, flinching when I brushed the cut. Slender fingers carefully moved into my hood and held the fabric away from the wound. Another warm hand grabbed the back of my hoodie helping me pull it over my head without further ado. Logan placed the hoodie over his shoulder letting it hang there casually. “Thanks.” I whispered bashfully.

Picking nervously at the blue crop top I wore underneath, pulling the hem a fraction down. John was openly staring at me, eyes narrowing, mouth curving down. I instantly grew self-conscious. “What happened there?” I blinked, having forgotten about Dr.Harding. “What do you mean?” I asked, attention back to her. She came closer and touched the skin under my ribs. I jerked back. “Ouch!” Looking down I saw a giant bruise covering most of my right side. “That must have also come from the fall.” I explained hastily. She went to my other side, discovering bruises on my hip poking out from my leggings. “This one is older.” She stated matter of factly now fully focused on my skin. She cautiously shoved the strap of the crop top to the side revealing a yellowy, green splotch on my shoulder. Dr.Harding lifted her gaze to meet mine. “Are you falling often?” Her voice held an accusatory undertone. “I am a bit clumsy.” Giving her a small smile I hoped was reassuring.

She discreetly gave John a scrutinizing once over, didn't say anything, just placed the blood pressure cuff on my arm and started the machine. Writing something down on her tablet whilst the cuff filled with air. When the device peeped she returned to my side, reading the results. “100 to 68. That's fine.” She tipped the numbers into the tablet. “I will now glue the cut shut, you could feel a slight sting up on contact with the glue.” “M’kay.” I played with my fingers, trying to concentrate on them instead of the tense atmosphere in the room. She thinks he's hitting me and he is oblivious because he thinks someone else is hitting me. Likely racking his brain about who it could be. Great. Pulling my shoulders together I tensed, feeling the slight sting, burning my scalp. John's hand found mine, squeezing it comfortingly. As Dr. Harding pushed my skin back together, I gripped his hand harder. “Sooo, all down.” She placed a special band-aid over the cut and removed her gloves. Throwing the rubber into a nearby trashcan. “Are you feeling nauseous or dizzy?” She re gloved her hands “Just a tad dazed and tired.” She hummed feeling my neck. “Before you said you were feeling sick.” Logan butted in, hand still clasped with mine. “Was probably the shock.” I supplied, shrugging my shoulders. “Please stay still.” Dr. Harding reprimed me. “Sorry.” I mumbled.

“Your neck seems okay, a bit tense but that's to be expected."

“So I can go home?”

She furrowed her brows, swiping on her tablet, re-reading the information gathered in my digital chart.

“Do you live alone?”

“No, but my roommate left earlier to visit her family.”

“You should not be alone tonight, just in case other symptoms arise.”

“You can stay at the hockey house.” Blinking surprised at him he quickly added, much softer “If you want.”

Interpreting my hesitation for something else Dr.Harding stepped in calmly. “We could keep you here one night, for observation.” It's really great that she cares but this is no case of domestic violence. For God's sake!  “Oh, no it's fine Dr.Harding. Thank you John, I appreciate that.” He nodded, handing me my hoodie back. He turned to Dr.Harding “Anything particular i should look out for?” “No TV or other screen for the rest of the night, no alcohol, no exercise, if she is in pain give her-” I stopped paying attention, suddenly stuck in my own hoodie. Come on, give me a break. I was struggling, having maneuvered my arm in an awkward position to hold my hand over the cut and pulling the hoodie down. Fabric in front of my face, arm stuck above my shoulder. I hadn't yet noticed that my shoulder was sore. Well now I know. I made a quiet noise of discomfort attempting to pull the hoodie back in the other direction. “Wait. Let me help you.” Logan stepped closer and shoved his hands inside the hoodie. Hand blindly finding my arm. His fingers laced around my wrist tugging down slightly. But my arm would not budge, shoulder twisted in a funny way. He grunted lowly struggling to twist my arm back down without dislocating my shoulder. “How the hell did you-” John cursed. I shrieked when he finally managed to loosen the strain on my shoulder and I could lower my arm. Peeking out of the collar, eyes wide. I exhaled exhausted. “That was intense.” John chuckled, hand raking through his dark curls. “You're unbelievable." He shook his head, giving me a boyish smile.

Dr.Harding watched, lips tight, still unconvinced. When Logan turned his back to us, she discreetly shoved a card in my hand. “If you ever need help, when you're falling again.” She made sure to hold my gaze for a moment, giving me a half smile. I simply thanked her and shoved the card in the pouch on my hoodie. “You ready?” John held out his hand. “Yup.” I let him steadie me, as i slide down from the stretcher. He moved his hand to my waist, holding me just in case. I felt myself blush faintly, mind spinning with unrealistic fantasies. He just wants to help you. Nothing more. I told myself as he opened the door of the truck for me. The ride back was quiet. He kept his eyes mostly on the road, checking on me from time to time, as I fought hard not to fall asleep. By the time we reached the house of the boys it was past 3 AM. 

I sluggishly leaned against the railing as Logan held the door open for me. The house was shrouded in silence, everybody seemingly already in bed. I yawned soundlessly, shuffling inside nearly tumbling over some shoes. “Come one sleepyhead." He placed his hand on the small of my back, steering me upstairs. I didn't question him, as he led me into his room. He gave me a slight push, sitting me on the edge of his bed. “Do you need painkillers?” He asked, back turned to me as he rumaged through his closet. “No, it's fine.” “That your new favorite word?” It wasn't really a question so I stayed silent as he handed me a pair of sweat pants and an old briar u hockey shirt. It took me a moment to understand. Right, I have nothing to change into. Glaring at my hoodie like it had personally offended me I picked at it in disdain. Biting back a laugh John asked teasingly “Do you need help with that?” Glaring at him through my lashes I flipped him off. “I got stuck once, okay.” I grumbled, soon swallowed again by the material of the old hoodie. This time, I managed to remove it without any major problems. “Ha!” I exclaimed in triumph, tossing the thing in the next corner. Instead of laughing he turned silent.

“How’d you get these?” He sounded tired, arms crossed in front of his chest, brows drawn together. With a sigh, I let my shoulders drop and slumped over. Be honest. Who cares at this point. “From skating.” His mouth opened, ready to argue when I held up my hand. “I went skating almost every night, for the last two weeks.” His expression changed, eyes widening in realisation.

“Why?”

“I…-It helps me clear my head.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“Yeah.”

Logan came closer, towering over me, examining the bruises with a new found understanding. His finger gingerly brushed a fading bruise on my biceps. My breath got stuck in my throat as his featherlight touch moved. Finger tracing up my arm to my shoulder. Another blue mark. Moving his fingers under my chin he tilted it upwards, his dark eyes finding mine instantly. “You fell a lot.” Voice husky. “I just started.”  I subconsciously pulled my lower lip between my teeth. “Started to skate?” I gave a small nod. “Why would you do that alone in the middle of the night?” He frowned slightly. Looking away, I bit my lip. He was having none of it, turning my head back to face him, grip firm on my chin. “I wanted to do it alone and at night there would be no one to stumble in on me…Well, except tonight.” The right corner of my mouth jerked upwards in a sarcastic smile. “You're lucky I was there, else you could have-.” He didn't finish his sentence, eyes burning, jaw flexing. It was his turn to look away, hand falling from my face. My hand moved on its one, brushing his jaw tenderly before tugging his face back to me.

“I am fine. Okay?"

“I swear to god if I hear that word one more time!” He growled, eyes pinching closed in frustration. I adoringly stroked the frown line between his eyebrows, feeling the muscle loosening under my touch. “I am okay John.” His hand came up to hold my hand, thumb caressing my skin in deliberate circular motion. My pulse quickened. John's eyes fluttered open, a newfound heaviness in his gaze. None of us dared to make a sound. The world around us blurred, there was just him and i. My hand in his, his eyes on me, our breaths mingling together between us. My tongue darted out, wetting my lips. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, attention on my lips. His free hand brushed over my collarbone, up my neck and buried deep in my hair. A hushed sigh escaped my lips, eyelids dropping. His grip in my hair tightened noticeably.

Accidentally creating tension on my cut. I wince, my hand shooting up to ease his hold. He immediately let go of me stepping back, posture straightening. “Fuck. Sorry Y/N, I forgot.”

“It's alright.” I said smoothing down my hair, hands trembling lightly, heartbeat drumming in my ears. He was going to.. I didn't let myself finish that thought. He was not interested; he made that abundantly clear. What was this then? Logan's chest rose and fell noticeably, breathing heavy. “I -.” He stopped, fingers running through his hair. “Fuck.” He cursed under his breath looking at the ground. “John-.” I started to stand up but he interrupted me. “You should rest.” He cleared his throat and nodded to the clothes in my lap. “You change, I will get you some water.” He had fled the room before I could utter a word, leaving me scowling at the closed door.

I huffed softly, peering at the shirt. His clothes. Removing my bra, I kept the crop top on under Logan's shirt. Standing up to take off my leggin the shirt fell down, stopping mid thigh. Jeez, how tall is he? As it was fairly warm and the shirt basically a nightgown I opted against the sweat pants. I moved into the corner of his room, crouching down to place my clothes on the hoodie already residing there. Getting back up stood there like a fish out of water. That's how he found me as he returned. Standing doe eyed in the corner of his room, bare legs on display, drowning in his shirt. John froze mid step. He blinked slowly like his brain had to recalibrate. “No pants?” He asked dumbfounded. “That a problem?” My cheeks burned. "Noooh." He quickly shook his head. He helplessly pointed at the bed. “Well, get into bed.” I snorted softly. "Smooth.” It was his turn to blush. He rolled his eyes, playing over the situation “Whatever.” He placed the water bottle on his nightstand and grabbed one pillow from the bed, throwing it on the ground beside the bed. “I am not stealing your bed.” I put my hands on my hips. "I am not letting you sleep on the floor.” “Why not? It's fine.” “Y/N.” He threatened finger pointed at me. “John, I can't take your bed.” He pulled back the comforter “This is not up for discussion sweetheart.” John came up to and pressed his palms against my shoulders effectively moving me backwards till my knees hit the bed. With a final nudge I sat on the bed.

I pursed my lips. “Stop pouting and lay down.” He went to grab the blanket. I begrudgingly lay back, mindful of my head. Logan leaned over the bed, pulling the blanket up to my shoulders. His face hovered directly over mine. My breath hitched noticeably. He stilled, eyes searching my face. My heart was hammering wildly in my chest. His hand delicately skimmed over my cheek, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. Resting his hand next to my head. My lips parted slightly. His brown eyes followed the movement, a smug smile playing at his lips. The signals he was sending were all over the place. My heart was having whiplash. I knitted my brows, tilting my head to the side.  “Are we still friends?” It was barely a whisper, my voice cracking at the end. John paused, lips pulled tight. He studied me for an eternity. 

“I don't think I can be your friend.”

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A/N: Oooh, the mood is changing—buckle up, everyone. We're heading into uncharted territory.

Sitting up reluctantly I pulled my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly.  How I hated my inner voice. Always pushing, always blunt, never reassuring or god forbit soothing. Scoffing, I looked straight ahead, gaze catching the pictures on the wall. There was one of Beau and me when we got accepted to Briar, beaming from ear to ear. One of the Boys and me after they won their first hockey game together. A small involuntary half smile appeared on my face. A picture of Dean and Beau throwing me into the pool, it was snapped mid fly, my face contorted in pure shock. Polaroids from the fashion show I had with Hannah and Allie, wearing the most ridiculous outfits imaginable. It had felt like a montage of a teen movie, dressing up for fun and posing like we were models. In between, the graduation pictures from high school, my parents at my side. The smile slowly faded away. Feeling my throat closing up, I tore my gaze away from the picture. Big girls don’t cry. I could picture him perfectly, standing imposing, eyes demanding me to be sturdy. Voice ordering me to be strong. I never was tough enough. Licking my lips I bit down hard. Look at me now, basking in melancholy like it would do me any good. Pathetic.

------------------------------------------------------------------

It was late afternoon when I had managed to at least take a shower and move to my deskchair. Peering out the window I watched the people walking around campus, talking, laughing, some rushing, others lazily sitting down on the grass. It was quite peaceful observing the world from the safe space of my room. The peace was disturbed by a soft thud at the door. I could ignore it but there was the possibility of my roommate having locked herself out. Debating with myself I heard another thud. Begrudgingly I went to the door. Opening it i saw 

Dean in front of my dorm room. Moving on instinct I pushed the door in his direction. As I went to shut it in his face he forced his foot in between.

 “Wait, I come in Peace. “

“Go away.”

"Y/N, please."

“I don't want your pity.”

“I didn't come to pity you, I swear. I just wanted to make sure you're okay, give you some comfort if you let me.” 

The devastating honesty in his eyes pulled at my fragile heartstrings. Losing the hostile tone in my voice I told him that I didn't want his comfort. Noticing me caving he pressed again, careful not to push to fare. 

“Can I please come in for a bit?”

“Dont make me regret this.” 

We sat awkwardly on the couch in the livingroom, both not sure how to proceed from there. “I won't ask if you're okay, that would be dumb.” He muttered lowly. It was unusual for Dean to be this quiet. “Good to see there are still a few working brain cells up there." I  stated dryly. The corners of his mouth twitch in amusement. “I am sorry for prying that confession out of you.” Swallowing hard, I clenched my fist.  “You should be.” He looked at me, regret clear in his eyes. “I should have listened to you, but when I saw your tears something in me broke.” His voice cracked slightly at the end. Glancing at his side profile, I saw how his jaw flexed, eyes downcast. He was still bothered by this. It's like he really cares. “I know that you did what you thought was right, that's the problem. You ignored what I had to say, mind having already decided what the truth was and how to solve it.” I was playing with the drawstrings on my hoodie, avoiding eye contact.  He hummed in acknowledgment. “You forced me to relive this painful memory.” I frowned, suddenly feeling the urge to vindicate myself. “It was humiliating. It was none of your Business.” His hand tentatively touched mine, giving it a squeeze as if to say I am here, let it out. Glaring at the vase on the coffee table I continued my rant, temper rising. “I was this close to Re Establishing the easy going way Logan and I interacted with before. But you lot kept bugging and intruding. Monitoring every damned breath I took, turning this into something completely different.” Gripping his hand harder I took a deep breath, calming myself. He didn't say anything, just held my hand and sat in silence with me. Slowly his thumb rubbed soothing circles on my hand. Breaking the silence he turned fully to face me. “You’re like my little sister, I just want to keep you safe. I am deeply sorry for the way I did it but I don't regret stepping up for you.” I didn't have any siblings growing up. I couldn't possibly understand what it felt like but I wanted to believe that what I felt in that moment was close to it. I was still mad at him, but having here with me felt good. I enjoyed his company even though he made me furious. Granting him a crooked smile I whispered “You're like the brother I never wanted.” Dean laughed, a grateful smile on his face showing his dimples. He carefully pulled me into his arms. My head settled against his chest, his chin on top of it. “Thank you Ducky.” “Mm, you're not forgiven just yet.” “I know, but it's a start.” Pulling away I had a teasing smile on my face. “Who knew Dean Di Laurentis is such a softie."  Pretending to be offended he clutched his chest. “I am not a softie.” “Sure, buddy.” Chuckling lightly, I felt a tad lighter now. Face turning uncomfortable again Dean scratched his neck “At the risk of upsetting you again-.” I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. 

“You should talk with Beau.”

“No.”

“He is devastated. Just give him a chance to explain himself like me.”

“This is different, Dean.” I scooted farther away from him, pulling my knees up.

“You two are basically inseparable. There's no Beau without You.” He was pleading with me. 

“Yeah, we were. That's why this stings so much worse.” I paused, looking at Dean, like really looking at him to make him understand.

”He is the person I trusted the most.”

“He wanted to help.” 

“Oh yeah? By spreading rumors about my alleged sexlife?” I snapped, voice breaking at the end. Turning away, the corners of my mouth tugged down on their own. Letting my anger at Beau out on Dean was wrong but it was so easy to get lost in the red haze. “I don't want to fight.” I sighed defeated. “I will talk with Beau when I am ready, he has to wait however long that will take.” Hearing the finality in my voice he nodded somberly. He didn't say anything after that but I could basically feel his nerves. He clearly wanted to say something else but was too afraid of ruining this little peaceful quiet again.  

“Spit it out.”

“What?”

“Come one, you clearly have something on your mind.”

"I am afraid it will upset you.” He sounded so sincere, my heart clenched in my chest. 

“Nothing new these days.” At my cynical replay Dean faltered. “Just say it okay?” I softened my voice, encouraging him to speak his mind. Taking a deep breath he steeled his nerves.

“I know your love life is none of my business, but you and Logan-” My hand clamped over his lips before he could continue. I felt a deep ache in my chest. “I believe it's clear that there is no Logan and I.” Laughing humorlessly I bit my lower lip "I am not even sure if we're still friends.” Even though I tried to hide the pain inside my voice Dean obviously caught one to the underlying sadness. His blue eyes filled with sympathy. Delicately wrapping his fingers around my wrist he tugged my hand away. “I have no idea what's exactly going on between you two but he cares about you.” It seemed to cost him to say this. I just humed. Not so sure he still cares. “Well, it was surprisingly nice to see you but I would like to be alone again.” The corners of my mouth twitch upwards in a fleeting, gentle curve. “Okay, but if you don't want to be alone anymore give me a call okay? I will be there.” Dean genuinely cared. “I will. Thank you Deano.” Cringing at the nickname he ruffled my hair. “Always Ducky.”

The talk with Dean was weirdly helpful. It didn't erase what happened but it served to drag me out of my hole. It was dark outside when I was weighing the pros and the cons and decided to turn my phone back on again. One day of hiding in my room and skipping classes was manageable but I had to get a grip if I didn't want to fail this semester. Once my phone was on again I was bombarded with messages and missed calls. None from Logan. It shouldn't have hurt like it did. I had already dreaded that he would simply withdraw himself ....its something he was quite good at. Running from problems. Like your one to talk. Swiping all of the messages to the side I saw one from my father. It was as if time had stopped. I stared in disbelief at his name over the message. He hadn't tried to reach out since… . Swallowing, I contemplated simply ignoring it but some buried part in me couldn't. Finger hovering over the display, I froze.  Hear hammering loudly. It's only a stupid message. Who cares, it's not going to be important. Clicking my eyes flittered over the screen. I huffed, lips quivering. What did you expect? You naive, stupid, little girl. I pressed my lips into a tight, thin line. Feeling a storm of emotions raging inside me, I decided to grab my skates. Make use of the storm on the ice.

------------------------------------------------------

The rink was empty when I entered, practice having ended nearly two hours ago. Tightening my skates hazardously my brain was running a mile a minute. I was suddenly so full of adrenalin. It was like electricity pumping through my veins and the only way to work through this sudden spike was pushing my body till it collapsed. Tightening the lacing of my skate I flexed my jaw. Every muscle in my body was tight. I left my jacket and scarf on the bench, hoping the cold would help ground me. 

After the initial wobbly steps, I regained my balance way quicker than a week ago. Putting one foot in front of the other, pushing my body forward, I gained some speed. Finishing my third round without falling I forced my legs to push harder against the ice. You're too sensitive. You are too clumsy. You need to overcome your inability. Gliding over the ice, face contorted in bitterness I went even faster. I did this. I made it on my own. I am not a quitter. Harder. Faster. Leaning my upper body forward, I surged over the frozen ground like I had never done anything else in my life. For a glorious second I felt like flying. Felt free skating over the ice till I really went flying. Holy shit. Barreling head first into the boards at maximum speed. With a loud thud I collapse against the wall, sinking down. After an initial moment of lightheadedness my head started pounding like a bitch. Tears pricking at my eyes. Deep breath. It's fine, you're okay. Just a little headache. I tried to reason with myself. I sat on the cold floor, breathing shallow, wetness and cold seeping into my legging. All of the sudden I felt something warm on my skin, sliding down my temple. Tenderly touching my forehead, I touched something wet. Lowering my hand, I slowly blinked, there was blood on my fingertips. Where's this coming from? My mind was hazy trying to make sense of this. Gaze darting from my fingers to boards behind me. I saw a little splash of red on the boards. Oh. It finally clicked. The confusion turned into irritation. Just my luck to barrel head first into the boards like a total idiot. Great Y/N. Really impressive. 

As my head stopped spinning I carefully tried to push myself up again without faceplanting on the ice. “Slow and steady.” I told myself, stretching my arms outwards to keep my balance. Still a bit dizzy, I deliberately moved to the exit. When I looked up i suddenly saw Logan appear in the tunnel. Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought. He scanned my face and started sprinting my way when he registered the blood on my forehead. “What happened?” He stepped in the rink without a second thought being at my side in three long strides. Even without skates he was still annoyingly smooth on the ice. John's warm hands on my face felt so real. I stared dreamily at his concerned face, my mind still trying to catch up. It should be illegal being this handsome. His arm snaked around my waist, stabilizing me as he slowly moved me to the exit. Once I had solid ground under my feet again my knees buckled. “Whoa, easy.” John helped me sit down carefully. His hands were on my face again as he was kneeling before me. “How bad does it hurt?” He sounded so worried. I didn't want him to worry his pretty little head about me. "Don't worry baby.” He momentarily stilled. I grind doppily before I registered what I had said. Not again. Let my head fall back against the boards in frustration I regretted it instantly . “Ouch.” I petted the back of my head, nose wrinkled in pain. 

John took a second to just stare at me before he refocused. Voice a little husky as he told me to show him where it hurt. A bit ashamed I pointed at the top of my head. “Right here.” Logan came closer to inspect my head, fingers tenderly brushing my hair to the side. His chest was in front of my face, chain dangling before my eyes. Unable to control myself I took a whiff. He smelled of mint, probably his shower gel and something distinctly John underneath. When he pulled back down to crouch in front of me, my cheeks were tinted red. Luckily he didn't comment on it. “There is a gash, seems like you hit your head pretty hard.” I started to nod before abruptly stopping as the pounding behind my temple got even worse. “Took a dive for the boards, but don't tell anyone.” Ignoring me he hooked his arm under my knee and wrapped the other around my back. “Whoa.” I protested, fingers digging into his shirt. "It's not that a big cut but we should probably let it get looked at.” We? He carefully lifted me into his arms, mindful to not jostle my head too much. “Are you dizzy or sick?” John carried me out to his truck, pressing me gently against his chest. “Yes.” He raised a brow. "Which one?” “Both.” Holding me with one hand he opened the door of his truck. Logan placed me cautiously on the seat, leaning over me to fasten the seatbelt. He jogged around the car opening his own door and immediately started the motor. “Thank you. But you don't have to do this.” His eyes drifted to me momentarily before refocusing on the street. “You can't believe I would leave you on your own with what's possibly a concussion?” His grip on the steering wheel tightened. “I wasn't even sure if you would still speak with me at this point.” I mumbled, eyes dropping. John didn't say anything for a moment. When he spoke again his voice sounded rough. “You drove me insane this past week.” I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, gnawing lightly. “But I can't imagine never speaking to you again.” He grew quieter at the end, softer. A warm feeling of hope blossomed inside me. Maybe he does care.

“Why?” I rasped. Voice rough around the edges. Clearing my throat I stared at him, silently demanding an answer. Dean's eyes darkened again but he kept silent. “Why did you do that?” My jaw tightened, eyes narrowing. Shaking his head he clenched his fist. “Dean!” “I heard what Logan did.” He spat, teeth grinding against each other, gaze flickering behind me. No.He wouldn't. Turning my head my eyes bore into Beau, begging him to say it wasn't true. He had the decency to look guilty. Heat crawling up my neck, shame flooded my body. “You have no idea what happened." I whispered under my breath. Blood pumping faster. He doesn't know anything. How could he just- Gripping the roots of my hair, a mangled groan slipping past my lips. “Ducky.” Dean went to comfort me but I slapped his hand away. Hot, angry tears welled up in my eyes. Heartbeat speeding up. The blonds lips pressed into a thin line “I just want to protect you.” Blood rushed through my ears. Gaze growing hazy. Beau tentatively brushed his fingers with mine. My brain short circuited.

Whirling around I slammed my hands against his chest, and shoved him back a few steps before he regained his footing. “YOU HAD NO RIGHT!” He looked taken back, hands rising to calm me down. “TRAITOR!” Hitting him again his fingers enclosed around my biceps. Holding me still. Struggling against him I must have looked like a mad woman.  Finally wrenching myself free I punched him one last time  “You absolute fool!” I stepped back. Body shaking from anger. “Holy shit.” Tucker sounded alarmed. I was still trying to catch my breath, back turned to him and the others. “Who did that?” At the grave tone in Garrett's voice I finally turned. He was standing at full height, eyes directed at me but unfocused. He was waiting, deadly still, knuckles turned white. I didn't understand. “Y/N?” Beau asked carefully from behind me.

 “Did Logan do that?” 

“The Fuck?! NO!” Logan yelled appalled.

“You are a dead man!” 

Dean was ready to charge at his friend again when I rushed in front of him. “What are you talking about? Done what?” Eyes wild, Dean gave me a bewildered look. “Your waist.” He said it like it was cristaly clear what the fuck he was talking about. “My wais-” the words died on my tongue when I spotted the dark purple, bluish blotch of skin peeking out from my shirt. The hem of my shirt must have ridden up whilst jostling with Beau. I hastily pulled my shirt back down, hiding the alleged evidence. They can't seriously think he hit me? “You think John hit me?” I was aghast. “Are you actually insane?!” I turned to point at Logan. “He didn't do anything.”

“But Beau told me-”

“Total Bullshit.”

Logan flat out ignored my pleading for his innocence, brown eyes burning through my shirt, gaze fixed on the now hidden bruise. “Who did that to you?” His voice sounded strained, like it physically hurt him to keep his calm. Feeling uncomfortable under his sharp gaze, I slightly caved in on myself. “Nobody did, I just bumped my hip. I already told you.” I kept my gaze on the ground. “Bumped it?” Somebody asked skeptically. Logan exhaled sharply, a disbelieving grin on his busted lip. “You gotta stop with this crap ASAP.” I can’t do this anymore. Rubbing a hand over my eyes tiredly I tried to smile but it turned into a grimace. “I am not doing this anymore.” I took a step back, away from the group. Getting interrogated, arguing, verbally fighting with my friends. “If all you want to do is fight with me....you can...” Taking a breath, I resigned. “You can fuck off.” This was my limit. A physical fight, Beau betraying my trust, the screaming, the damned looks of pity. I was so done with this day. I just wanted to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. Logans scoffed “Oh yeah?” Meeting his eyes I felt like dying, i loved him so much it fucking hurt even tho i fought so hard not to and now, now he looked at me with disdain. I can't even blame him—it's my fault that one of his best friends punched him. “Yeah. Logan.” I deliberately said his name. This time it was a conscious choice. Voice even, void of any lingering feelings cursing through my veins. He physically flinched.

“Okay, what the hell is going on?” Tucker raised his hands,gesturing in the air looking from one to the other, trying and failing to understand this mess. “This is none of your business.” 

“We are your friends-”

 "Friends respect boundaries.” I countered. 

“Not when their friend is clearly hurting.” Garrett inched closer to me, but still keeping a safe distance so as not to startle me. I rolled my eyes so hard I was afraid they would get stuck. “Forgett it G, she's as stubborn as a mule.” Logan growled, face morphing into a deep frown. Dean's hand landed on my shoulder, moving a few steps in front of me, effectively blocking Logan. “Watch it, Logan.” Despite everything he was still in a protective mood. “You want to swing again?” He scoffed with a sneer, straightening. “If I have to.” Dean squared his shoulders, head high. “Would you stop this nonsense?!” I clutched at his upper arm. “Do I have to spell it out for you?” Yanking at his arm his head twisted to look at me. “He. Did Not. Touch. Me.” Logan's eyebrows were drawn together trying to piece together where this was even coming from. “Alli saw-”

“For crying out loud, she misunderstood the situation. He was not undressing me!” By this point my cheeks burned. John Logan’s eyes widened slightly, finally catching up. A faint red tinted the top of his ears. Tucker's brows rose so high they nearly kissed his hairline. Garrett looked thoroughly dumbfounded, eyes darting between his best friend and me. Oh god. Why? That was the moment Alli decided to appear, turning the corner to the bathrooms. Her steps faltered when she saw us standing there, tension thick enough to cut. “Whats going on here?” I had to bite my tongue so as not to snap at her. I knew she didn't mean any harm with it. “What did you see on the weekend trip?” Garrett inquired with the steely calm only he could portail. Understanding immediately her mouth opened, creating an O shape. She blinked nervously. “When I went to get a glass of water I saw that her door was ajar. I didn't want to spy, I swear-” Eyes pleading with me. “She was with Logan, he was holding her close and he-... well he was pulling her shirt over her head. I immediately left. I promise.” Pinching myself discreetly, I attempted to ground myself. "That's not true.” John uttered from behind me, voice tight. “Ducky?” Beau dared to ask.

 “Oh now you care what I have to say?”

“I tried to ask you but you wouldn't answer.”

“Maby because it's none of your concern.”

“I am just worried something happened and you are too afraid to talk about it.”

“We're spinning in circles here.” 

“Just tell the truth.” 

“Just back off!” 

“I did not pull it up, I pulled it down.” Logan effectively put an end to the arguing. I subconsciously clenched my hands tightly. His words pulled me back to that night, world blurring before my eyes.

“Don’t.” He pulled back, face contorting in anguish. “Why not?” I whispered, hands clutching his shoulders. “You are clearly intoxicated.” “I know what I am doing. I want this.” Gazing longingly at him, hand caressing his jaw “I want you.” My heart nearly burst out of my chest. This was it, I’ve laid all my cards on the table.

My hands started to cramp up. “Pulled it down?” Tucker asked innocently, trying to clarify. “Why would you do that?” Allie questioned puzzled. I began to tremble imperceptibly. Garrett noticed that something was wrong. “Guys-.” “Now wait a damn minute, why would you need to pull it down in the first place.” Dean cut Garrett of. My thoughts drowned out their voices.

“Please stop.” He doesn't want you. How could he. Biting my lip I forced the voices to quieten down. “Y/N.” His voice sounded pacifying. John's thumb brushed gently over the back of my hand. Acting on panic I gripped the hem of my shirt pulling it over my head. His hands shot forward, stopping me. Heart thundering wildly in my chest when he pulled it down deliberately and our gaze met again. John's facial expression was pained. Desperately fighting impending agony I asked . “You don't want to sleep with me?” God how pathetic can you be? No wonder he's not interested. He let go of me, bringing space between us. “We're friends.” My chest tightened in agony. “Right.” Mouth twitching into a sorrowful smile. “Sorry.” Swallowing hard I gripped my forearms, holding myself together. How can you be this stupid? “Maybe we should give each other some space for now.” John muttered gravely. Biting the inside of my cheek too hard I faintly tasted iron, mind slowly dissociating. “Yeah.” 

When my mind returned to Malone’s I was as pale as a sheet. Acid burned at the back of my throat, I was going to be sick. “Whoa, what's going on? Do you need to sit down?” Garrett was at my side in seconds. I was too far gone to register him fully. I just wanted to escape this situation. Escape this torment, this storm of sorrowful memories. The only way is to just say it. Stop being a spineless wimp. My face was apathetic as I laid myself bare. “I tried to seduce him but he did not want me.” There was deathly silence. All eyes on me. “He pulled my shirt down to stop my pathetic attempt to sleep with him.” I heard myself like I was underwater. Muffled. Distorted. Now it was out, open to be dissected and prodded at. Nobody dared to say a word. The reactions varied between bewilderment, misery and pity. I was completely humiliated. Again. Not being able to withstand this any longer, I ran. I fled like a total coward. Rushing into the night, swallowing my sobs.

--------------------------------------

Collapsing on my bed I screamed in silence. Mouth wide open, eyes shut and body shaking. There was a familiar feeling of compression in my chest. Lungs seemingly constricting.

“I am serious. I don't know what Allie believes she has seen but…He didn't…We didn't.” I sighed, rubbing a hand over my face. This conversation felt too intimate. Beau was arguably my best friend but this was too close to home. I never wanted to speak about this. With anyone. “I drunkenly kissed him.” I confessed quietly. The memory of the kiss was successfully buried in the depths of my brain, shoved into a tiny corner far from the light. Stomach twisting painfully at the reminder. There are lots of blurry images left from that night at the Cabin I wished to just forget. It was a rare occurrence for me to have drunk that much. I disdained being intoxicated. It left one helpless, control slipping away with every sip. But that night I just wanted to let loose, forget about the real world with its real problems and just have fun with my friends. No pressure, no fear, no pain. But it turned sideways as soon as Logan and I were alone. Desperately wanting to be held for one night. To be desired for just a moment. Feeling wanted. A tear escaped the corner of my eye. Beau gripped my hand, squeezing it softly. I was so dumb to think he would give me that. We are friends. Never more. Blinking rapidly I laughed quietly, masking the pain. “A foolish drunken peck on the lips, nothing more.” Taking a deep breath I forced a sickeningly sweet smile onto my lips. “That's all there is to know. End of Story.” Swiftly tearing my hand from his hold I stood up. "Hey, wait!" Beau protested, reaching for me. Stepping back I withdraw myself. “This Conversation is over. I don't want to talk about this anymore.” “You can't just bury all your feelings, it will eat you alive.“ Not listening to a word he said I bailed “See you at Karaoke.”

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Sitting at my desk, course work in front of me I stared at diagrams and text passages. Forcing myself to work. Blocking out everything else. After about two hours I slammed my books shut, raking my hands aggressively through my hair. I couldn't remember even one sentence I wrote down. Putting my notes in order I cleaned up my desk. This is useless. 

Lifting myself I kicked my chair against the table. Instantly wincing after as my hip stung in protest to the abrupt movement. Stupid fucking bullshit! This day was a total shit show. How can just a few hours create this much chaos? Snapping at Logan, arguing with Beau and seemingly having all my friends worry that I lost it. As if to put the cherry on top my mom called again. Closing my eyes I debated with myself to just ignore her call again. It's not her fault. She just wants to help. How ungrateful of me. Accepting her call I moved to my bed. Mattress squeaking slightly under my weight.

“Hey mom, sorry for not answering your  call earlier. I was on my way to class.”

“No worries, how are you?”

“I am fine.” 

“Honey...” She paused.

“I know you are strong but it's okay to feel bad sometimes.” I stayed silent pressing my teeth into my lower lip, breathing getting harder. Throat constricting. 

“You don't have to endure this alone.”

“I know.” My voice is hoarse. My mother doesn't comment on it but her voice softens even more. 

“He still loves you, you know that honey, right?” Feeling my eyes glaze over, I grimace. Mouth pressed into a thin line. Clearing my through “Yes mom.” Not even I am convinced.

Whipping at my nose, I licked my lips.

“Listen, mom. Thank you for your call. Don't worry about me. I-” Pausing I pushed my fingernails into my palm, forcing my brain to re focus on the physical pain.

“I can handle it. But I need to get ready, the others and I are meeting at Malone’s.”

“Oh, okay. Have fun and don't ever forget how much I love you.” Squeezing my eyes shut to stop the tears I mumble.

“I love you too mum. By.” 

Letting my phone fall onto my bed I pressed my fist onto my lips, muffling my raged breaths. It's okay. I am okay. Curling into myself, bullying my feelings back inside. Breath in. Hold. Breath out. Hold. Loosening my fist I pressed my palms on my tights. Malones. Nodding my head like I was in trance. I moved on autopilot. I had to get ready, show my friends that I was okay. Showering, blowing my hair out, applying mascara and lipstick. Moving calm and steady.

It wasn't until I stood in the doorway of Malone’s that I came back to reality.

The Bar / Dinner was packed with Briar students. Some kid belting out wrecking ball on stage. Scanning the area it was still fairly easy to spot the Group of 6 foot hockey players. They mingled at the counter laughing at something Tucker had said. Hannah was behind the counter serving drinks. Whilst walking over I brought an effortless-looking smile on my lips. Having spotted me first Hannah waved. “Hey.” Slinging my arm across Dean's waist I shoved my head between him and Tucker. “What's up, losers?” I cheerfully chirped. Dean instinctively pulled me into him “Look who finally lightened up.” Pinching his side I shifted my attention to Hannah. “Could I have two rounds of shots please?” “Sure thing.” She directly started pouring. “Shots? What's your mission tonight?” Garrett asked. “Ever heard of having fun Graham?” I sarcastically asked, lips shifting into a smirk. Dean's laughter rumbled through his whole body. "Shots fired.” Tucker chuckled on my other side. Garrett held up his hands in mock surrender.

The next moment Hannah placed a Tray with 10 shoots in front of us on the counter. “Alright Boys, bottoms up.” I grabbed a tiny glass holding it up. Dean and Tucker took theirs without hesitation. John took a second to think it over "Don't leave me hanging.” I teased before he also grabbed one. My insides churned when our gaze met. The charming smile on his lips did not reach his eyes. Not able to take his stormy gaze any longer I looked at Garrett and eagerly nudged the glass towards him. "Don't be a baby G.” He rolled his eyes but took the glass. Tilting my face upward I declared “Here’s to those who wish us well; all the rest can go fuck themselfs.” “Aye!” The boys shouted and then we all threw our heads back and downed the shots. I slammed my glass down on the counter with a bit too much force. Dean gave me a curious look but said nothing. Reaching for the second one I Beau came around. Catching Hannah's eyes I pointed with my finger to the shot and signaled one more. She nodded, filling one for Beau.

“Doing shots without me?” He asked, feigning indignation. I gave him a quick hug “I would dare, handsome.” He smiled uncurtained. “You better not Ducky.” The Boys shared a confused look at the obvious tension between us. “Here you go.” Hannah announced placing the shot with the others. Handing out shots I didn't accept a no. “Come one, you guys are so big you won't even feel it.” I pointedly look up at them. “You can't argue against science.” Dean shrugged his shoulders smiling mischievously. “Thats not science.” John said. Giving him a side eye I countered “Seems like someone doesn't know basic physiology.” “Sorry, I was busy with anatomy.” he retorted with an arrogant smirk on his lips. The boys made dramatic “Ooh” sounds. Feeling my chest tighten. Flashes of him pushing me gently but firmly away. The pure embarrassment I felt. “Were friends Y/N”. The devastation that he also didn't want me. I bit the inside of my cheek, pulling my mind back into the current situation. Act normal. Friends tease each other. “Sounds depressing when you know what it looks like but not how to use it.” I bit back. Pinching my brows together I frowned in mock concern “Poor Puck Bunnies.” Garrett erupted into loud laughter. Logan stared at me, "Jealouse?" YES. "Off, what? One minute of fumbling around in the dark?” Seemingly speechless he flexed his jaw. “God damn.” Dean whistled. Not wanting to dwell on this, I raised my glass again. “Your drinking with me or not?” The boys took their glasses, even Logan. “Heres to me, heres to you, fuck the rest were briar u.” Dean proclaimed, clicking his glasses with the group. Downing my shot I shook my head, as the alcohol burnt down my throat. Putting my glass down I felt Beau watching me. Nudging his shoulder playfully, I sent him what I hoped was a reassuring smile.  

 “So what are you singing tonight?” I took a look around, taking a big sip of Deans beer as he weakly protested. “Defenetly not singing." Garrett announced, winking at Welly when she rolled her eyes at him. Skipping Logan I turned to Tuck. “You missed my performance.” Tucker shrugged, smiling apologetic. “What? Nooo.” I pouted, genuinely disappointed. “This sucks.” Tucker's Karaoke performances were fun to witness. Craning my neck to look up at the blond who just stole back his beer he shook his head. “Nah uh.”

 “Oh, come one Deanie.” I gave him my best puppy dog eyes. He held my chin between thumb and pointer finger moving my head from side to side. “Noo-oo.” 

“You are no fun.” 

“Oh I am plenty of fun when I put my mouth to better use.” He wiggled his eyebrows with a dirty smirk. Fake gaging, I moved away from him. “Disgusting.” The boys laughed. I turned to look at the stage as some boy I vaguely remember from freshman year was starting to rap Eminem's Business. He was doing a solid job. I felt myself moving my head in rhythm, vibing. “Hes not bad. “ Jules suddenly appeared on my right. Gripping my chest I signed. “Jezz, do you want to give me a heart attack?" Jules just held the Karaoke list in my direction. “Heard you wanted to sing.” “What? Well..I..” Stammering, I tried to buy myself some time, looking for some way out. I loved to watch the other but for me to sing I had to have a really good time. “Our Nightingale would love to sing us a song.” Logan snarked, taking a sip of his beer. Eyes burning into mine.  What are you playing at?! At a loss of words I made some weird noises. Dean snorted “I think you broke her.” Tuck and Garrett snickered whilst Beau watched me with concern. Feeling uneasy, I ripped the clipboard from Jules hands scribbling down a song. “Thats going to be the best damn performance of all time.” I grumbled under my breath handing the List back. John kept me under his scrutinizing gaze. Ordering a drink I took a second to collect myself.

My head was already swimming, the music was too loud, Beau looked at me like I was a kicked puppy and Logan. I didn't even want to start with Logan. When we parted that morning he was worried and concerned, now he seems pissed. And they say Girls are moody. Swallowing a big gulp of my Moscow mulle Dean touched my upper arm. “Oookay Ducky baby, I love the enthusiasm but slow down a bit, yeah?” Cringing at the burn from the vodka I gave him a thumbs up. “Dont worry, after that only water.” “Thats good, we wouldn't want to relive the weekend trip." Garrett joked, unaware how hard his words hit me. My body went rigid. Straightening to my full height, my muscles straining. It was like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped over me. “Excuse me, m’gona powder my nose.” I didn't recognize my voice as I hurried to the bathroom.

Locking the stall behind me I pressed the back of my hand against my lips. Stifling my pathetic sob. Closing my eyes. Breath. Just Breath. Feeling tears in my eyes I bit into my hand. Hard. The pulsing pain from my skin helped me suppress the building grief. You can't lose something you never had. I reasoned with myself. A fist pounded against my door. Shrinking, I turned, looking at the faded blue of the door. “It's me. Are you okay? You ran off with that look on your face.” Hearing his voice was like a punch in the stomach. Swallowing hard, I debated if I should answer or not. Silence. “I know you're in there Sweetheart." He sounded mildly annoyed. “Talk to me.” Pushing my nails into the palms of my hands  I found my voice. “Everything is okay.” “That's bullshit and you know it!” His voice was rough, anger showing clearly. This sudden fury made me flinch. “I said I am fine Logan.” My voice wavered, diminishing any change of sounding truthful. “See?! You never call me Logan.” Blinking in surprise, I scrunched my nose. Raking my brain I came to the conclusion he was right. It wasn't planned, it had just happened unconsciously. “Open the Door Y/N.” He commanded, voice taut. 

I hastily whipped at my face, hoping that my eyes didn't betray me. “You need to take a step back.” I ordered him softly, hand laying on the handle. He exhaled loudly through his nose but then I heard the shuffling of shoes on the floor. Unlooking the door I opened it peeking outside. There the corner of this tiny bathroom stood John, back against the wall, arms crossed before his chest filling the whole room with his presence. His jaw was tight, the brown eyes I usually love to look at, practically glowed with silent rage. But once his gaze settled on my glassie eyes his face slacked. Fire simmering down. He wanted to take a step towards me but I held out my hand. "I was just sick, it's fine.” The fire burned up again. “If you say fine one more god damn time i am gonna..” He practically growled. My head was spinning. What is going on? “Why are you like that ?” I felt too tired to care, I was giving my all to understand this, understand him.  Logan ran his finger through his hair, stalling. Exhaling loudly I closed my eyes. “You're scaring me.” He was so quiet I nearly didn't understand him. Raising my eyebrows I was completely confused. “I?” Pointing at my chest. “Scare you?” Scoffing in disbelief I shook my head. “Not like that Dopey. Your behavior.” He rolled his eyes. “I literally didn't do anything this week except argue with you lot, to get off my back.” I was getting fed up with this whole ordeal. Love or no love. John was pushing all the wrong buttons. “Oh you put on quite the spectacle there. And coddling you doesn't seem to cut it.” He came toward me with heavy steps, towering over me. “Whatever bipolar bullshit you're playing has to end now! Just talk about what's clearly eating you alive.” How dare you! I snapped. Hands on his chest I pushed him with all my might catching him off guard. “Youre one to talk.” My voice rose higher, louder. “You!” Angry tears brimming in my eyes. “ YOU. EMOTIONALLY. CONSTIPATED. ASSHOLE!” I pushed him with every word till his back hit the wall. In that moment the door swung open revealing Dean. He was already tense, face agitated but when surveied the room, seeing the tears slowly roll down my cheek and trembling hands clutching at Logan his face turned murderers. “You know she's off limits you prick! How dare you touch her!” His voice thundered through the bathroom. Before I could comprehend what was happening Dean pulled me from John and punshed him square in the face. 

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A/N: Hey everyone, thanks so much for your comments❤️ i realy appreciat them.

Get ready—things are going to get rough before we hopfully reach a happy end.

But Beau deemed himself unteachable. At one point his face basically screamed “I know exactly what's going on, who are you kidding?” Shaking my head vehemently, I sternly told him “Leave it alone.” His expression turned serious again, voice low and even “Listen, I know that you like Logan-.” “Sure I like him, he is my FRIEND.” I pronounced every letter with clear precision. He raised a brow. “Don’t you dare give me that look.” I pointed at him with my fork. “If he turned you down he's an-” I shush him waving my hand in front of me. “Stop it. Nobody rejected any one. There's nothing to even be rejected. We're just friends. A guy and a girl being friends, nothing spectacular. No romance bulshit or fuzzy feelings. OKAY?!” I had to take a sip from my water to stop my rambling. Beau stared at me in bewilderment. That was a lot of words in approximately 6 seconds. He folded his hands in front of him and slightly leaned over the table. “For just a friend that was a lot of nervous babbling.” He looked annoyingly smug. “Oh, sue me. I ramble regularly, that means nothing.” Defusing the situation he held his hands high, palms up.

“Fine. Okay so you yelled at your friend-.”

“Did not yell.”

“Stop interrupting me.”

“Only when you stop spreading misinformation."

Beau leaned over the table, hand clamping over my mouth. “Why were you fighting with Logan? Has he hurt you?” The only person hurting me is myself. Licking his palm to free myself  “Beau, please. No he did not and it wasn't even a fight.” I held one hand up showing I wasn't finished yet. “You heard some dumb rumor and are totally blowing this out of proportion.” I stared him down daring him to fight me on this. The man that he is, he went in. “You are clearly struggling with something.” I kept my face neutral, not breaking eye contact. “And you have feelings for Logan-” He sent me a pointed look, begging me silently to stay quiet. I kept my mouth shut. “Since the weekend trip two weeks ago you have been spiraling.”  Seeing my raised brow he nodded at me to say something. “Even if I were spiraling, which for the record I am not, what would that have to do with Logan?” He was seemingly arguing something in his head before he decided to just say it.

“Allie told me.”

Scrunching my nose in confusion I didn't understand anything anymore.

“Told you what?” 

Beau pursed his lips, clearly uncomfortable.

“She saw you two together in your room.” He had paused, watching my expression closely.

“How He undressed you.”

It was as if time had ceased to be. The World around me blurred, colors fading into each other. 

Weekend trip two weeks earlier

Moving my hips casually from side to side I playfully danced with Hannah. Garrett was not far away leaning against the railing of the porch talking with Birdie. His gaze kept wandering back to her. How nice it must be to be so clearly wanted and desired. Sometimes I envied her. From inside the Cabin Tuck emerged with two bags of marshmallows and a big pack of crackers. “No chocolate?” I pouted. John Logan yelled. “Yes, chocolate!" holding up five chocolate bars following behind Tucker. Happily squealing, I threw my arms around Hannah, getting her hyped up with me. We jumped up and down giggling like mad women. Garrett smiled lovingly at Wellsy. He was down bad. “What is it with women and chocolate ?” Dean questioned from the campfire. “You can't make decent smores without chocolate!” I argued loudly, looking at him like he was the dumbest person on this earth. “She has a point.” Logan agreed with me, sitting down by the fire. Dean scoffed, taking a swig of his beer. Hooking her elbows with Hannah's and mine, Allie dragged us to the fire. Still laughing and giddy, I misstepped. Suddenly swaying sideways pulling the others with me, Allie instinctively let go of me. “Whoa!” I flailed with my arms. Allie twisted around eyes wide“Y/N!” Nearly colliding with Garrett, his hand shot out, getting a hold of my upper arm, effectively saving me from falling down the stairs. “Easy, I got ya.” I burst out laughing, briefly leaning my forehead against his chest. “Phuu, thanks G that was a close one.” My speech was slightly slurred. He moved his hand from my arm to settle between my shoulder blades, deliberately going down the stairs with me.

Standing with me in front of the Campfire he turned to the guys. “Who got Ducky blasted?” Tuck and Logan held up their hands in innocence. At the same time Beau and Dean pointer at each other. Garrett was unimpressed with them whilst I elbowed him in the ribs. “M not drunk.” “Oh baby you definitely are.” Dex called over. Garrett stirred me to a free seat next to Tuck. “Site.” Pouting, crossing my arms I didn't move. “Don’t you want smores?” He raised a brow, successfully baited me into the seat. Sitting like a good girl, I waited for him to hand me a stick with a marshmallow already skewered on. “Thank you.” I sing sanged, stretching my arms to the fire. He ruffled my hair and went to take a seat beside Wellsy. Music playing softly in the background we sat around the flames, telling stories, laughing, enjoying each other's company. I was so engrossed in Tucker's story that I totally forgot about my smore. It was Logan who pulled my arm back but it was already too late. Instead of a golden caramel brown the Marshmallow was black. “My mellow.” My brows pulled together, mouth turned downwards. “Looks just like a puck.” Dean snorted from the other side of the fire. A warm hand sympathetically laid on my shoulder. Logan had moved beside me “Don’t be sad we have more than enough Marshmellows.” He was plucking another white, puff ball from the bag and pushed it on a stick. Moving to grab it he held it slightly out of reach. “Why don't you let me do it for ya.” He gave me a boyish smile, knocking his shoulder gently into mine. “I won't burn it again.” Insisting I shifted closer to him, hands reached to grab the stick. His free hand sneaked around my waist pulling me into his side, effectively imprisoning me. “Hey! Let go.” I started to complain, wiggling against him. His grip tightened “Be a good girl and stay still.” A shiver ran down my back. Good girl? Staying still, I watched his side profile. The light from the fire painted him in a warm glow. Looking absolutely devastatingly handsome. What seemed like an eternity later he let go and held a perfect smore out to me. “Wow. So pretty.” I gushed and had took it from his hand with awe. He laughed under his breath, smiling at me “Yeah.” Taking a big bite I nearly moaned at how good it tasted. “That's the best smore i ever had. You are amazing.” I complimented him. Shoving the rest of the smore into my mouth I chewed happily. Logan smirked, shrugging nonchalantly “What can I say. I am a man of many talents.” “Oh shut up you cocky bastard.” Dean chucked a marshmallow at John Logan. John effortlessly caught it with his mouth. Chewing with a smug grin he flipped Dean off. Everybody erupted into loud laughter. Tugging at his jacket sleeve I gained his attention. “Another one please?” “Thoud you could do it yourself ?” He teased. Looking at my feet I acknowledge his expert skills in making smores. So he made me another two smores. 

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“Good night.” I waved at Hannah and Gerratt, who retired for the night. Leaving Logan, Tuck and I as the last ones standing. The once big flames now slowly fizzled out. Shivering, I hugged myself trying to preserve some warmth. Without a word Logan shrugged off his jacket and laid it over my shoulders. Suddenly very shy, I mumbled a quiet “Thanks” “No problem.” I snuggled deeper in his jacket, so that half my face was hidden behind the collar. Inhaling my nostrils were filled with his scent. I couldn't even name it, it was just John. Comforting. Irresistible. Him. Having totally zoomed out I was surprised when I saw Tucker get up. “Night you two.” You two. Just Logan and I. “Don’t let the bed bugs bite ya.” Logan nodded to him. Silence. Sitting side by side facing the dying flames in comfortable silence. Sneaking a glance at him I caught my lower lip between my teeth. His hand raked through his brown hair. Titling his head to the side he caught me. “You like what you see?” He was clearly teasing me but I couldn't stop the blushing. I turned my face away. “Maybe.“ Cheeky grin on his face he grabbed my chin and tilted my head up forcing me to meet his eyes.

“Are you blushing?”

“No.”

“You are a terrible liar.”

Still keeping eye contact I licked my lips, his gaze flickered down to my lips. Oh, please kiss me. Clearing his throat he looked away.  “You tired?” Exhausted. ”No.”  “You’would be terrible at poker.” He stood up and splashed water on the ambers, prompting a cloud of smoke to rise. “Come on, sleepyhead." Holding out his hand to me. Laying my hand in his much bigger one, he pulled me up.

Climbing the stairs he was right behind me. “Are you following me?” I turned my head to face him. “My room is also up there.” He clarified amused, waiting for me to continue walking. Thinking about it for a second I nodded and started walking again. Stopping three steps later I turned again. “Where is my room?” Drawing my brows in confusion. The corner of John's mouth twitched upwards. “You don't remember where your room is?” “I am just-” Rethinking about what i wanted to say i halted. “You just what?” He was grinning again, teasing glint in his eyes. “Forget it!” I spun around stomping up the rest of the stairs. Easily keeping up with me he followed. Aiming for the first door on the left he grasped my hand. “Nop, that's Birdie's room.” He smoothly stirred me to the end of the hall. “There.”  He pointed to the door on the right. “That one is yours.” Turning the knob I peeked inside the dark room, the only light coming from the moon shining through the window. “Are you sure?” I looked back at him. “Positiv.” “Huh.” I wrinkled my nose, nodding unsure. Drawing a sigh, his hand placed itself on my lower back, guiding me inside. I love his hands on me. He could touch me the whole time. Halting in front of the bed he gently turned me and pushed me to sit. “There. This is your bed. Sweet dreams.” Don't go yet.  Standing back up I stopped him “Do you want to stay?” I don't even know where that came from but it was out of my mouth before I could stop myself. “I think you should sleep.” Ouch. Ignoring the slight sting of his rejection I let the alcohol do the talking.

“And I think you should stay.” He met my intense gaze. “Sweetheart, go to bed.” I stepped closer, chest nearly touching his. “Go with me.” I had never been this bold in my life. John was seemingly as surprised as I. Holding my breath I waited for his reaction. Lifting his hand he tenderly brushed a strand of hair from my face.

“You’re drunk Y/N”

“I am tipsy.”

“You couldn't find your room.”

“I could find you anywhere.”

He sucked in a breath, gaze intensifying. My brain was blocking any logic, any doubt or fear. There was just instinct, desire, basic need. Standing up on my tip toes I grabbed his neck. Fingers burying in the hair at his nap and tugged him down to meet my lips.

Observing his handsome face, my brain went back to what he had just said. He isn't insinuating what I think he is, is he? I softly inquired “I fell asleep…on.. your arm?” “Hung on me like a koala” Even though the amusement was clear in his voice as he confirmed it I still felt like dying of embarrassment. This has to be a joke. “Please tell me you're still teasing.” "Sorry, no can do." He shrugged his shoulders, the corner of his mouth twitching up. I buried my face in my hands blocking out the lecture entirely. Whole face hot like hell, I was pretty sure that my cheeks had turned beet red. "I am never gonna live that down.” Words muffled by my hands he still seemed to understand me. John rather tenderly pried my hands from my face. Twisting my head I tried to avoid his gaze, when his fingertips grazed my chin making me still instantly. Attention now solely on him, he gave me a crooked smile. "Don't worry I don't think anyone noticed.” I couldn't have cared less about the other students or the professor at that moment. Even if someone had seen it, they would forget about it in no time, but he? Gazing into his warm eyes my stomach plummeted. “Thats not the issue.” I mumble closing my eyes to help me sort out my thoughts and not spiral into panic. I cuddled him in my sleep. Wrapping around him like a Koala. In the middle of fucking class. I totally overstaped boundaries. No, not over stepping, more like running through them. I could hear the blood rushing through my ears. Do.Not.Panic! Giving him a glance I registered how his eyebrows scrunched together in mild concern. Dragging my teeth over my lower lip, biting down gently. I looked away. We hugged before. Briefly. Consensual. There was pressure building behind my eyes. Deep breaths. He seems okay with it. Or maybe he is just pretending? Doesn't want to cause a scene. Squeezing my eyes shut I aimed to push the anxiety down. Am I causing a scene?! All my hopes and dreams of ever actually being with John faded away. He must think I am mad. Totally nuts. I shoved the dread as deep as I could, back into the depths of my conscious. Keep it together Y/N. You had no control. It was just a harmless touch. My feelings were all over the place these last days. It was like my nerves were short of burning through. From the corner of my eye I subconsciously noticed people starting to gather their things. Low murmurs rising to a constant hum of Conversation around me. 

Logan said something to me. I didn't fully acknowledge him, just hummed absentmindedly. It felt like my head was under water. Repeating himself his voice finally reached my consciousness. “Hey, what's the issue?” Rubbing over my face still deep in thought I grumbled “You.” Logan's movements beside me ceased. “What?“ Usual swagger wavering, he sounded confused. Frustration flaring up I gritted my teeth and snapped “You! You are my damn problem!” A few heads turned at my harsh tone. As soon as my words caught up with my brain I froze. Blazing eyes dimming down immediately. Fire extinguished into nothing. I didn't just say that to him. Based on the somber look on his face, I did. God help me. Something like hurt flashed over his face before he pointedly looked away grabbing his belongings. I opened my mouth thinking about a good way to apologize but my brain was not coming up with anything remotely helpful. So I gaped at him like a fish out of water. Eyes slowly glazing over. Stupid.Stupid.Stupid! John licked over his lips glancing over to me, opening his mouth about to say something when he seemingly changed his mind and grabbed his bag instead.

Before he could stand up and leave I grabbed his arm. “Wait!” He eyed me expectantly. “I am sorry.” Looking away I continued. “ My brain's not working right at the moment. I didn't even know what I was saying while speaking.I didn't…You see…What I meant was that…I ….and then You… it's a misunderstanding" Trailing off I watched him. Silence. Defeated, I let go of his arm. “Y/N, I don't know what's going on...” His deep voice was nothing more than a soft murmur. “ But you've been off the whole week. We are worried about you.” Peeking up my insides churned as I saw the softness in his warm eyes. The storm inside my head started calming down. "I'm fine- Just a bit behind on sleep.” I answered solemnly. My lip twitched slightly in a failed attempt to smile. Logan huffed and raked his fingers through his dark hair. “Look, I...-We, can't help if you don't let us.” He looked nearly as miserable as I felt at that moment. Standing up I clutched my notebook against my chest like a shield. "Everything is fine.” I said it with as much pep as I could muster. John gave me a glum nod, jaw flexing. Giving him a tiny wave I turned and fled the scene.

Biting the inside of my cheek I tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. This semester was horrible. It was all a bit much. Too many emotions. Too many assignments to do. Too many questions from my friends. Too many hours staggering over that damned ice. But times like these were going to pass. I just had to hang in there a little longer, push myself a little harder. I don't need help. Taking deep breaths. Everything is fine…I can endure it a little longer.

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I washed the painkillers down with a big gulp of water and crawled under my blanket. Escaping reality for just a moment and regaining some energy. I skipped my elective class and instead slept for two hours. It was refreshing, not as glorious as I had hoped but I felt less dead. Another round of painkillers made me finally relax enough to quickly jot down the last few paragraphs of the paper that was due today. I was already dashing out the door again when my phone rang. Not bothering to look, I declined the call. Pulling my jacket tighter around I crossed the campus in record time. Due to the pills, I didn't feel even the slightest twinge in my hip. Texting an acquaintance asking for her notes from the first class whilst skipping down the stairs I was back on track. Hauling the door open I quickly slipped inside taking a seat in the last row. Opening my laptop I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Another call. I pulled it out and declined again. Skimming over the first few slides that the professor had shared with us for this class my phone buzzed signaling a text message. Not taking my eyes off the laptop screen I shoved it into my bag. 20 minutes into the lecture I heard another faint buzzing. Why can't you all just leave me alone! Fishing my phone out I quickly scanned over the display. A missed call from my mother and one from Beau, plus 2 messages from him. Buzz. Buzz. Aaand another two messages. He was persistent. I had to give him that. I really had to focus on the lecture when I didn't want to fall behind so I quickly texted back without reading his texts “No time. Will speak to you later.” With that i turned my phone on mute.

Completely forgotten about Beau i was strolling over campus Headphones blaring Billy Idol’s Rebel Yell. Cutting a corner I crashed into a human wall. Stumbling back, feet tangling together, I felt myself typing back when two hands grabbed my arms and yanked me in the other direction. Tumbling into a warm embrace, I felt my headphones slipping. I reached to grab them before they could fall but I was too slow. "Fantastic." Sarcasm dripping from my words. “Whoa, you alright Ducky ?” Garrett. Bending down to pick them up my hip felt stiff. Moving slow and wooden, I straightened. Eyeing me with uncertainty Garrett still had one hand out ready to catch me. “Fine.” “Your movements seem very tense, are you sure you're okay?” Nodding, I gave him a thumbs up. "Positiv. But I have to admit I don't envy the guys that try to bodycheck you.” He laughed, shoulders shaking. “That a compliment?” “It's whatever you want it to be G.” Garrett hummed "Definitely a compliment then.” Mouth curving into a cocky grin. Rolling my eyes I sneaked a glance past him. “As delightful as your company is, I have to go.”  I was already beginning to shuffle past him. “See you tonight then?” Head tilting slightly back to him "What's tonight?" Raising a brow he said “Karaoky” as if it was the only logical answer. That's probably a horrible idea. “Okay.” Biting my tongue. Why did you say okay? Phuu. Problem for later. Stomach growling I screaming “By” over my shoulder leaving him standing. 

My stomach was rumbling uncomfortably when I stood in line at a food truck off campus. I was in need of something to eat, already starting to feel nauseous. Waiting my turn my phone started to ring. Sliding my bag off my shoulder I dug my hand inside. People started to look annoyed as I rummaged through my bag unable to find it. Once I sensed the smooth surface of it I quickly yanked it out, nearly throwing it on the asphalt. “Hello?” “Finaly, i was so close to file a missing person report.”  “Dont you think you are a tad dramatic Beau?” Completely passing over what I said he asked where I was. Moving in line I swiftly agreed to meet him and I ended the call. After ordering and receiving my food I ventured to a sitting area not far. I had wolfed down half my meal when Beau came into sight. He sat across from me, his usually gentle features betraying a look of concern. “Whats going on with you?” “Hello to you too.” I laid the iron on thick. “Ducky.” I rarely heard his voice sound so stern. I mushed my pasta around not bothering to look up. “Nothing.” I can feel his stare on me. “You're moody, walk like an 80 year old and there is literally no energy left in you.” I grind my teeth together and lift my gaze to see his worried eyes. “I am fine.”  No lingering emotion in my voice. Beau frowns. “You can tell me, you know.” I nod. “We have been friends for forever, I won't judge you.” "I know.”

“Did Logan do something?”

I was still drinking the latest cup when Dean made the final shot. Clear hit. The crowd roared as he and Beau jumped up hugging each other in celebration. Jugging the reminder of the beer I wiped my mouth angrily. The game was a total disaster, I hit one lousy cup. The only good thing about this whole ordeal were the accidental touches. Every time his hand would brush my arm I swooned a bit more. Looking at him from the corner of my eyes he finished the Cup in one go. He seemed oddly happy for losing. Beau snapped me out of my thoughts, hugging my side. “Sorry Ducky.” Liar. Dean held his hand out to Logan. “Pay up Loser.” Shit eating grin plastered on his face. Logan reluctantly pulled out a ten dollar bill. Dean pocketed the money turning to me. “Honestly, did you even try?” Taking one step forward I was ready to wipe the smirk from his face but Beau's arm shot forward to hold me in place. “Easy there Tiger.” ”Yeah, cant have you murder him mid season.” Logan's eyes twinkled with amusement. Blush blossoming on my cheeks I yanked myself free, grumbling. “Youre really pushing me today Di Laurentis.” The blond’s arrogant grin softened. “Aww come one, don't be a sore loser.” He opened his arms to invite me into a hug. Not moving an inch, he made a grabbing motion with his hands tilting his head innocently to the side. Grudgingly I stepped into his arms and let him tug me against his hard chest. My arms stayed firmly at my side as Dean hugged my tightly. I am definitely not hugging back. He gave me a loud smooch on my hair and held me at arms length looking down at me. “All better now Ducky?” "I am not a child assshole.” Despite still being annoyed, I couldn't hold back the half-smile that slowly creeped on my lips as he looked at me with puppy dog eyes. “Ah there she is.” He beamed and squeezed my shoulder. Rolling my eyes I shove his hands away. “Get lost while I'm in a good mood.” He turned to Beau with feigned urgency “You heard the Lady.” Beau saluted me before venturing into the party with his other half.

Watching after them I opened my ponytail and let my hair fall free. "There are days I want to drown those two morons.” John stood beside me grinning. "Understandable." I reached into my back pocket and pulled out a five dollar bill. “Here.” His grin vanished. “No.” I held it out for him to take. His hands shot up defensively in front of him. “I owe you, I totally blew it.” He scrunched his brows together “You didn't even bet.” I shrugged my shoulders “But I am responsible for you losing.” “We are a team, we lost together.” “If that's so then we pay the price together.” I boldly pushed the bill against his chest. His hand wrapped around my wrist. “You don't owe me anything Y/N. Seriously, it's fine.” His gaze met mine with such intensity that it took my breath away. Hand still against his chest, wrist in his gentle but firm hold. Any coherent thought swiftly left me, too focused on the warmth that radiated off him. Still holding his gaze I mouthed okay. John deliberately let go of me and took a slow step back looking away. He cleared his throat and nonchalantly nodded towards the kitchen “Care for another drink?” Shaking my head I couldn't believe myself. “No, thank you. I should head home.” A soft smile on my lips. Please look at me one more time. The corners of his mouth turned down ever so slightly, eyes everywhere but on me. ”Next time then.” Is he disappointed? “Get home safe.” “I will.” I promised and tried to catch his eyes one more time but to no avail. Logan turned around walking in the direction of the kitchen when some girl intercepted him. She directly grabbed his arm, leaning against him, gaining his attention. I didn't hear what she said whilst blinking up at him through her long lashes but I heard his warm laughter. I didn't need to see his face to know how his eyes sparkled whilst flirting. I saw it plenty of times before. Something in me shifted when they vanished together, her hand secured around his bicep. A bitter smile graced my lips as I grabbed my jacket exiting the house.

On my way home I read a message from my mom. “Hey honey, how are you holding up?” My steps faltered. Fingers hovering over the keys, jaw clenching. Tipping swiftly “Just fine. Don't worry. Love you.”I hit send. Bending my head back I stared at the night sky, reigning my feelings back in. Instead of going to bed as planned I grabbed my skates and went to the ice rink. I fell into a rhythm. Stumbling, falling, standing up again. Fighting against the raging feelings inside. Every time I let my thoughts stray too far I saw his face. Heard his voice. Attempting to banish him from my thoughts I went faster.  I was still struggling to keep my balance. “Arg, its not that fucking hard.” I cursed outloud. Squeezing my eyes shut for a moment, flashes of some girl in John's arms flicker before my mind's eye. My heart started racing. The puck bunnies didn't hesitate, they didn't second guess. They took what they wanted. Thoughts sprawling in one another. They didn't need help, they were confident, strong. Losing my footing I stumbled. Arms flailing,desperately trying to regain my balance. I fell sideways, hitting the ground hard. “Motherfu-!” Clenching my hand I bit into my fist stifling a whimper whilst touching my hip. That's going to bruise. Sitting on the cold ground I whipped a stray tear away. I am fine. Glaring at the ice like it had personally betrayed me I grunted and heaved myself up. Once upright I loosened my hip with a Pop. Ignoring the throbbing, I started to move again. I am going to learn this shit one way or another. Mama raised no quitter. After a few more rounds with minimal damage I finally started to regain some peace of mind. Focused on my breathing, one foot after the other.

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The ear-splitting sound of the horn ended the game. The stands were screaming and cheering for the Briar Hawks. Another win for our boys. Hannah, Allie and I made our way to the tunnels to greet them. Standing with my back to the tunnel I talked to the girls. Patiently waiting. Hannah's barely concealed grin told me he was behind me before I even felt him. Firm hands snuck around my waist and pulled me back. My whole face lit up as he placed a sweet kiss on my shoulder. “Hey babe.” I turned in his arms. Sweaty curls clung to his forehead as he smiled down at me. How could someone be sooo handsome, literally dripping with sweat? “Hey Johnny.” Stretching my arms to lay them around his neck he was leaning down a bit to help me. Pressing a chasted kiss on top of my nose, I giggled. “You were amazing today.” He playfully raised a brow “Just today?” Rolling my eyes I pulled him even closer. “You are always amazing.” His brown eyes darkened. “Is that so?” devilish Smirk growing on his lips. “Yea.” I nodded transfixed as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. Biting my lower lip I tugged at the hair at his nap. Pulling him closer.One of his hands moved from my waist to take a hold of my chin. Tilting my face up. Lips nearly touching, our breaths mingled as his eyes held me captive. Not being able to hold back any longer he - My eyes snapped open. Noooo. Shutting off my alarm, I let my head fall back in frustration. Just one more second and He would have - arg. Pulling my pillow over my face I silently screamed. Chucking the pillow away i starred at the ceiling. It was no use. I sighed sadly before starting the day. Splashing water on my face I still fantasized about the feeling of his fingers under my chin. Biting my lower lip I suppressed a smile. Get a grip girl, it was just a dream! Taking a peek at myself in the mirror I cringed when I spotted the dark bags under my eyes. Damn Dean, Beau and their stupid party. I looked utterly exhausted. There weren't many options for damage control at this point but owning it. Braiding my hair back, brushing my teeth and applying some lip balm was as good as it would get. 

I grabed a granola bar and pain killers on my way out. Reading the text from my mom whilst walking. "We can talk about it if you want. I Love you too. Wish you a great day sweetheard!" I shoved my phone in my pocket. Staring straight ahaed, ignoring the pounding of my heart.

Chewing on the last bit from my granola bar I trudged into the lecture hall. I wasn't even sure if it was in the right room. I gained a headache on the way here and felt tired enough to just fall asleep while standing. Letting my gaze wander, I saw that a lot of places were already taken as the class was about to start. Squinting I spotted a hand waving me over. John. Right, this was one of the few classes I had with him. I was usually really excited and extra good prepared for this class but that morning I was happy if I even got to my place without falling over my own feet. Luckily for me Logan had saved me a seat right beside him. He gave me one of his heart melting smiles when I reached him. God I love his smile. “Thanks.” I mumble lowering myself into the seat. Sitting down I flinched at the sudden pressure on my hip. Ofcourse he had to notice it immediately. His smile transformed into a concerned frown. “Are you hurt?” Schooling my features to stay neutral I shake my head. “Nah, it's fine.” “That didn't look fine.” Lowering my voice so as to not disturb the starting lecture I whispered. “Just bumped my hip this morning, nothing to worry about.” to help sell it I carelessly shrugged my shoulders. John keeped his gaze on my face, searching for a tell if I was lying to him. When I couldn't hold his stare any longer I looked away. Opening my notebook I focused on the professor, trying to withstand John's stare. Writing down today's topic in bold letters “Managing complexity without panicking”. Raising a brow, I re-read it. Was this some kind of sign from the universe? 

After just ten minutes of not entirely listening my eyelids began to flutter shut. Blinking heavily I tried to sit straighter, moving my hip uncomfortably in the process. At least the sting woke me up properly. Even without seeing him I felt him watching my movement like a hawk. Promptly spotting my wince. He leaned over, eyes up front. “What exactly did you hit your hip on? Granite?” Chewing on my lower lip I gave him a side-eye. “Something like that.” Singular brow raised, he just shook his head and let it be for the moment. Which meant back to not comprehending a single sentence of this fucking class for me. A few mindlessly scribbled notes later my eyelids fluttered again. Pinching myself I fought to stay away. Again and again momentarily nodding off till my brain decided to give in and keep my eyes closed for just a second.