TiredGradStudent

what if I wrote that instead chat. What if I wrote about Caleb showing up to the hospital and not recognizing the man he once loved. The one he married and was happy with before it all went so wrong. What if I wrote his guilt and his dispare and his vindication.

what if I wrote about Lucien waking up, but he doesn’t remember anything chat. What if all he knew was “Empty”, what if he cralwed out of what was supposed to be his grave with no understanding of who he used to be.

what if there was months of rehabilitation, cognitive therapy, tests, and Lucien at twenty five is not only freshly divorced with no support system, but had been diagnosed with traumatic amnesia. He doesn’t remember anything—he has a traumatic brain injury. He has no reference for currency, who he is, how society functions.

what if Caleb, first driven by guilt as he learns that Lucien was hit on the way to Caleb’s house—their old house—with flowers in the back seat and Caleb’s favourite dessert (a letter to be left on his front porch, not an apology, because Lucien never apologizes, but something else. Maybe something too sweet to say to Caleb’s face, maybe something about how he missed his stupid face in the mornings or regretted the fact that they got the bloody divorce in the first place), spends hours at his bedside knowing that for all their acrimony, they were each others once.

what if all of Caleb’s friends think he’s foolish, making a mistake for a man who never cared for him the way he cared. What if they have no idea that whoever the person in the hospital bed is, it’s not Lucien anymore. What if they keep telling Caleb to stop doing this to himself. Lucien doesn’t deserve your time of day. Leave him Caleb, don’t let him drag you back in.

what if Caleb was Mollymauk’s whole world? What if the medical system never had it changed to them being divorced? What if every victory Mollymauk has he does it for his husband whom once he learns what that means he falls deeply, unquestionably in love with?

he was Caleb’s husband, Caleb was his. They were each others.

what if Caleb fell in love himself? Their divorce isn’t even a full year behind him, but here he is, sitting in the hospital room, helping Mollymauk with his dexterity exercises. Smiling as he sticks his tongue out and knowing full well how much this is going to hurt when the truth comes out.

WHAT IF MOLLYMAUK THOUGHT THEY WERE MARRIED EVERY BLOODY DAY IN THAT HOSPITAIL. that Caleb wasn’t brave enough to tell him the truth, not when he was so fragile.

WHAT IF CALEB BROUGHT HIM HOME? Hm chat? What if Caleb knew he should have told Mollymauk hours, days, months ago the truth, but now he has the crushing guilt that to Mollymauk, Caleb is his whole world. The person he proudly introduced as his husband to everyone he meets—much to the neighbours confusion—isn’t his. They haven’t been together from the start.

WHAT IF ONCE MOLLYMAUK KNEW ALL HE COULD SAY WAS: “You were mine.”

His childhood was one hit after the other. Teen years no better, and when he’s older he finally makes it. Makes it like no one from Shadycreek makes it. He’s married. He has a job. A home—

And then the cracks start to show. Because in the end, Caleb and he’s relationship doesn’t break down for nothing. This isn’t some story that casts Lucien as the antagonist and Caleb as the victim of his moods. No, their messy ass divorce has one villain and its lack of communication. And both of them are at fault, they are, but I don’t want people to forget that Caleb, in this, played a role.

He got comfortable. Comfortable in a way many people who settle into long term relationships get comfortable. Less date nights. More time working. Less time spent romancing his partner—after all, they are married. Doesn’t that mean enough?

Lucien did not get comfortable. Lucien never had the luxury of comfortable.

No. Lucien had to bitch and nag at Caleb for dates and time together— hours Caleb spent at the university working just seemed more important than his husband, and Lucien didn’t want to have to beg. To plead for his husband to pay attention to him. He didn’t want to have to become some mockery of suburbia— Licking at his husband’s hands for scraps of attention. When, instead, it is something that should be freely given. Not held hostage.

To Caleb, Lucien had always been more temperamental. Nights of emotional outbursts lately, more rage than anything, had left Caleb weary of his moods. It was easier to claim he was still at work when he took a detour to visit Beau or discuss latest developments with Essek about their joint research. Their heads tipped over their respective books and papers as that giddy spark teased his fingertips. Lit once more, but not by his husband’s presence.

Caleb started to lie. Because it was easier. Because what does one little white lie really do here or there? Lucien’s photography job gave him odd hours at times—what was wrong with using those hours to get a little more research in? A little more time with friends? With Essek. It was above board. Caleb wasn’t cheating or stepping out of their relationship. He just had a friend who he could talk shop with— One he could confide in and enjoy time with.

On some level, Caleb, after the divorce when Mollymauk is in the hospital and needs him, does he start to understand that what he had with Essek was an emotional affair. One that, sitting there as Essek looks at him and says You're seeing him again? With dissatisfaction so heavy Caleb felt choked. It hits him then. Caleb had helped push Lucien away. He had chosen not to talk to his husband— To deflect and find comfort in his friend.

He was the one to put Essek in an unfair position. An unkind situation, and Caleb was still doing so on many levels.

[On Essek: Caleb told him all and now expects him to not be protective? How is this reasonable?]

(and Caleb sits there and has to come to terms that Lucien’s insistence of knowing where he was, who he was with, was he cheating? Had nothing to do with projection as the rest of the Nein grumbled about and more to do with the fact his husband thought he was loosing Caleb, and he had been right.

Nights spent screaming at one another over infidelity and Lucien, in the end, had been right.)

And Lucien loved Caleb so much when they were together. The best thing in his life he used to say, sappy when he slow danced with Caleb in the kitchen. How many nights did Lucien get home to stand in his kitchen, the calendar on the fridge chock full of pencil marks denoting all the time Caleb felt more important to spend elsewhere than with him?

How many times was he left in that kitchen alone?

How many times was he second place in his own marriage?

How many times did he stand there feeling unloved?

This is a Greek tragedy in the making: Lucien, clawing in attempt to keep the love of his life pushes him away at every turn by accident. He doesn’t even live to see them reconciled. Dying on the way to Caleb’s, to their once marital home. That car crash erased Lucien from existence, leaving Mollymauk in his wake.

And Caleb gets hit with these realizations. That their divorce was the result of cowardice. That Caleb listened to the wrong people at the wrong time. That he lost the love of his life not because Lucien was being difficult or a bastard (Beau’s favourite word for Lucien) but because Caleb was comfortable enough to not try anymore. Hundreds of relationships die this quiet death—someone believing that a ring on a finger showed enough promise, and that no action needed to carry out past the honeymoon phase.

He can say sorry as much as he wants to Lucien’s body, but he isn’t there anymore to listen, let alone hear.

And Molly who never knew what happened. Does Caleb keep it from him? Or does Caleb tell him the truth and let Molly decide. Would Molly leave him? Hurt that Caleb only came back bc of a technicality. Because Lucien never removed him from his emergency contact? Lucien, hoping that despite it all if anything ever happened to him, Caleb would still be there?

Lucien was brilliantly happy when Caleb and he were together. Those first few months where they smoothed over each other’s rough edges. He was smiling more, making more jokes and silly faces with stupid hats. They flirted with each other constantly, and for all intents and purposes, they were good.

Then Lucien lost his job. He was working for a magazine—good pay, better hours. He covered the small time celebrity weddings, the fashion brands. It was a good job—no, and amazing job.

Their wedding was paid with the money from that job but new management had decided why pay for the photographer when an iPhone would do (not literally but the logic was the same) and that blow to Lucien’s ego made him sharper.

He tried freelancing—and that was good for a while. He made decent money doing smaller wedding and events, was busy far too much in the summer months. But Lucien was known to be sharp tongued and that word spread in the wrong circles. People happy for the quality of his work but not for his personality.

Then his sister’s wedding happened.

Aldreda was marry a wealthy man you see. And Lucien was so happy for her. He was so happy and Caleb watched as his smile dimmed after every conversation with her. Lucien’s little sister dancing around wedding invitation and save the dates like Lucien was something diseased.

He begged her. Begged his sister to invite him and Caleb to her wedding. Sure they had not seen each other in so long, but Lucien still remembered sending her off to a better life as he stayed behind, treated no better than a dog. She and her then boss attended Lucien’s wedding. He had thought their relationship had been mending.

No invite came. Lucien was told he didn’t fit “the image” Aldreda’s new family had for what they considered kin. Maybe if he hadn’t been fired from the magazine—maybe they could have talked then. But Lucien was so full of scars you see, and the in-laws would ask questions…

(Caleb listened to Lucien beg to just be in the back of the dawn father’s temple. To Aldreda, please—I am your brother, I love you. I won’t ask to walk you down the aisle again—)

Lucien wasn’t the same after that. He smiled less, was bitter more. Caleb could not tell what he needed—thought space was the answer because space was usually the answer. But Lucien wanted support. He wanted his husband to hold his hands and say it’s okay, I love you enough for the both of us.

All Lucien got was silence.

Lucien often more angry. Tried to put it into words to only choke on them because his pride held on absolutely. Had Caleb frown and sigh and withdraw further because Caleb had convinced himself Lucien needed space when what Lucien needed was a life raft. A safe place where he could howl and cry and break apart and have someone put his pieces back together again.

And then his old friends moved to Rexxentrum. Caleb did not care for Lucien’s old friends, but Lucien was so alone. He was so alone in a house he thought was full of love and he wanted Caleb to look at him. To not give him space. To worry and care and do all the shite he used to without second thought.

Caleb started staying out late. With the Nein, and the jokes of the “old ball and chain” started to feel more literal the more Caleb tried to avoid his own house. Because Lucien would be home and he would nag at him or pick a fight about something Caleb saw no fault it. The Nein had been lukewarm to Lucien—he had always been either full of false pleasantries or scathing. Beau and he in particular had beef—never quite gotten along.

It was that lack of endearment that left the Nein sighing in exasperation with Caleb—Come on, you shouldn’t have to avoid your house just because your husband is bitching about you having friends. You’re allowed to have friends— How controlling. How toxic. Why is he getting mad at you when he’s out with his sketchy ass friends from Shadycreek? Wasn’t one of them a drug dealer? Or was it a loan shark’s bruised? He’s unstable, Caleb. You aren’t doing anything wrong. You’re allowed to have a life outside your marriage—

(if enough people tell you something, you start to believe it)

They weren’t trying to be mean about it (except maybe Beau bc she and Lucien Did Not Like one another—More in Beau’s regular abrasive manner) but they were just being honest. They only saw Lucien’s worst sides. How he would call Caleb at random, seeing when he would be home, hell he even crashed Drink Night one day. (To see if Caleb was cheating on him. He found one of Essek’s fancy half gloves in Caleb’s briefcase—a rather innocuous explanation which was true. Essek got chalk on it at the Academy and took it off out of irritation. Caleb brought it home to be washed. Lucien suspected the worst.)

And Caleb just… rationalized it away, not listening to what slim voices of reasons there were. (Caduceus was there. He did not like Lucien much, but voiced his opinion. Caleb simply chose not to listen—After all. Caleb married Lucien. Of course he knows what his husband needs and it’s not Caleb glued to his side. He needs space to breathe.)

And then their anniversary dinner rolled around.

Lucien already felt like he was loosing Caleb. A year of watching his relationship crumble, and he wanted so desperately for this to work. For his husband to love him again.

So he booked reservations at a nice restaurant. The fancy one he bought a new pair of heels for. His nice shimmering blouse that Caleb loved to take off of him—black corset pants. Sexy. Fabulous.

It was a Folsen evening at seven and Lucien is sitting at a table for two as the candle slowly drips wax. He texts Caleb, gets a I am running late. He waits.

And waits.

By the time the complementary dessert is delivered Lucien is mad enough to spit nails. What could have taken Caleb so long. He stood up his own husband on their anniversary with Lucien’s last message being left on read. There is not explanation for this. Caleb should be begging for him to for give.

Lucien calls Caleb, gets sent to voicemail. Leaves a nasty message asking how Caleb could do this to him. He calls again, sent to voicemail. Lucien tells him he hates him. Calls again. Chokes on an apology because he didn’t mean that but what the fuck were you thinking?

He’s crying. He’s crying on his anniversary because his husband didn’t show up. He’s crying because he’s loosing his husband and his husband doesn’t even care—

(Caleb cares, he does but he doesn’t know how say that in a way is understood now does he?)

And he shows up and looks through his window and what does he see? Essek sitting on his spot on the couch, Caleb across from him laughing at something he said.

What happens next was not pretty.

Lucien storms in, screaming. Telling Essek to get out, calling him every name in the book because as far as Lucien is aware his husband stood him up for the elf he didn’t need to worry about. Did they fuck in their bed too?

Caleb is at a loss. Lucien is so angry. Crying as he raged, and Caleb ran late. The university meeting ran late and Essek offered to act as a buffer for Caleb because Caleb knew he would be home too late. His phone was on silent from the meeting.

(so many things can be rationalized if you tell yourself it enough. Caleb is allowed friends. He can spend time with Essek and if his heart jolts at his brilliance but he doesn’t act, that is not crossing a line, is it? Caleb can admire his friends intelligence. He doesn’t need to be available all the time. He doesn’t need to be glued to his phone for Lucien’s comfort.)

Lucien looses it. Smashes a lamp as he flips out on Caleb. Demanding to know what Essek had that he didn’t. Shouting so loudly that the neighbours call the cops. And Lucien is left curled up and sobbing as Caleb asks him what is wrong with you?

And then the divorce happened. Lucien was served in his own house by a man who promised to love him forever. Who showed him forever was never long when it came to Lucien. That he was replaceable. Not worth anything.

Caleb wanted an amicable split. Instead Lucien fought him every step of the way because Lucien didn’t want to get divorced. He wanted their life from two years ago back. He wanted his husband to love him enough to fight for them.

Justification tastes sweet enough if given an opportunity. After all. Isn’t Lucien so unhinged?

Caleb takes everything. He has the better paying job. Beau has connections to some very cut throat divorce lawyers. Lucien’s voicemail and breakdown is used against him.

Lucien doesn’t get to even keep his wedding dress. Caleb keeps that, his sister’s wedding gift to them, the house, and the photos. Because Lucien is unstable. He will ruin it. Break it—

(And Caleb does not want there memories burned to spite him. He wants everything thing to be what it once was. He wants his husband to be who he once was.

The irony that Lucien was who he as always been; just lost without the love Caleb had always supplied him.)

Lucien is left with financial ruin, a stolen photo of what was of the happiest day of his life, and his ring that Caleb never asked for back. He is copper-less and support-less and Beau earned herself a sucker punch in the face for telling him this was what he earned. Beau hit him back harder—broke his nose and everything. Caleb made sure no charges were pressed on either side.

And then their divorce was finalized.

Lucien spent the whole week leading up to it writing his thoughts down, as recommended by his court ordered therapist. (Caleb paid for his appointments, Beau argued he shouldn’t—clean break and all of that—but he did anyway. He still loves Lucien even though he thinks he is a stranger now). He tells Caleb that he misses his dumb face and apologized for not being able to tell him how he really felt sooner. He told Caleb that he had been scared this whole time. That Caleb pulling away hurt when he needed support. That he wanted him there when he cried and when he raged. That he wanted someone to hold his hand, like when the nights were cold and he was too proud to admit it, and offer him his jacket.

He wanted a husband, and Lucien put each and every heartbreaking moment in text. Words, when his words failed. He told Caleb that he resented the fact he took everything from him, that he wanted his fucking wedding dress because if Caleb was just going to shove it into the attic and forget it he didn't deserve it. That at least Lucien wanted the last piece of clothing he felt truly loved in to be his.

Lucien spills out ever drop of rage like expelling venom from a wound. That they were supposed to be applying for adoption this month if things had gone according to plan. That Lucien wanted a baby girl, hoped that she would have Caleb's freckles despite it all. That Lucien still had a pintrest board with nursery ideas that he scrolled through at night when he couldn't sleep because he wanted to pretend he could be loved by someone. Still wanted that fucking kid to have Caleb's freckles, even if Caleb wasn't around anymore when Lucien got her.

Most of all, Lucien, after every word, told Caleb to meet him at the place he had their first date. He was only going to wait for so long--till nine that night. It would give Caleb enough time to read and digest and make up his mind. And if they could make it work--not influenced by their friends, but them, Lucien would give him one last chance because he wanted his old life back enough.

It was the closest thing to begging Lucien ever came to. Not to Caleb's face. Not out loud. But with pen and paper.

Lucien never got the chance to deliver his message.

Caleb get a phone call in the middle of the night. He has plans now, a celebratory brunch with his friends to mark the end of his marriage was to happen in a few hours. He was going to celebrate.

Caleb did not feel like celebrating.

He does not remember what happened between the phone call to him bursting through the emergency room doors demanding to see his husband. He--

Caleb collapses outside the glass wall that kept the icu beds from the hall. Lucien has never looked so small. So broken.

He weeps.

Caleb does not have the heart to tell Mollymauk that they were not actually married the whole time. He is a coward who realised his flaws too late yet again. He had been so certain that Lucien was at fault. That Lucien was being irrational--

He reads the letter after Lucien's belongings are returned to him from the crash, the drunk driver pleading not guilty. He sees how his friends talk about Mollymauk, like how Lucien was a parasite. Like he was disgusting. He sat in Lucien's apartment and laid on his bed and thinks-- Lucien must have been cold at night.

Caleb felt cold. He felt cold and alone and Lucien spent months like that.

they eepy

aka

playing with some future wha designs♡

a few notes:

playing with some future wha designs♡

a few notes:

a new season awaits