A Very Kinky Girl

someone exposed my line of work to my mother. one of my subscribers, don’t know who it is. i don’t wish you any ill will, that won’t get me anywhere. i just wanted to say something:

you don’t know me. you don’t know my circumstance, you only know what i allow the world to know online. my mother and i have a tumultuous relationship, she’s “disowned” me quite a few times. right now was the best our relationship has ever been.

now that’s done, now she’s officially done. with that one message sent to her, she’s disgusted and mortified to have me as a child.

when you expose a sex worker, you don’t know the impact it’s going to have.

my mom was my best friend again finally.

and now i truly only have my boyfriend, and it hurts.

i love what i do, i love my sex work and the connections/lovely angels i’ve met along the way.

before you decide to expose someone, think-

would this help them? am i helping them?

remember, you are NOT.

always remember, you are NOT.

IF A SEX WORKER DOES NOT INVOLVE THEIR FAMILY IN THEIR WORK, DOESNT OPENLY SPEAK ABOUT IT-

fuck tHAT-

YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY.

MY DECISIONS DONT’T AFFECT YOU.

stay away from my family, any sex worker’s family.

Don’t tell ppl their real names. Where they live. Any info.

When D/s failed in my marriage, it felt like a part of my soul had been amputated. I compared it to phantom limb pains—being a submissive but not being able to submit. Some friends suggested I serve him anyway. So what if he’s not a Dom? What man doesn’t enjoy a woman bringing him a drink or tending to his needs? But it felt hollow. It was deeply lonely to serve him, knowing he had no interest in holding my leash. If he could even acknowledge I was wearing it. 

At least for me, it’s not submission unless my partner is eagerly holding the leash. That’s not to say that D/s is always fun or easy; sometimes it’s a slog. But when I started dating in the lifestyle, I found people who felt deeply fulfilled by holding the leash. Providing structure and taking control were like water to them. It was how they gave love, and my service was how they felt loved in return.

For the first time, I didn’t feel lonely anymore. I wasn’t serving someone who was indifferent to my service. I could kneel for someone whose whole body relaxed at the sight of me. I could call a man Sir and know that he would notice if I didn’t. I could know that my obedience mattered on a deep level. My submission was not just a nice-to-have, but rather, it was genuinely and deeply needed by my partner. And this changed everything for me. Even for rules that are about my own well-being (like bedtime), it’s not enough to do it because it’s good for me. I have to know I’m doing it for my partner. To please them.

And sometimes it’s a simple task, like making the bed. When I read his message with rules he’d like to have, there it was. Always making sure the bed is properly made (with the sheets tucked in at the bottom). I smiled. A symbol of my obedience. Not a burden, but enough that I would remember my place as I completed the task. 

Left to my own devices, I make the bed maybe half the time. I like the look of it when it’s made, but it’s not enough to make it a priority. But in a short time, I started making it for him. Not because it was a rule; it was too early for that. But because I wanted to please him. I would do it and smile. Then later, he’d ask about it. And I would smile again and say yes. I liked knowing it would please him. I could almost feel his smile, knowing that his desires were a priority.

This morning I woke up and stared at the bed. Do I make it? Do I not make it? We are on hold for the time being. Maybe for good. So it no longer has the purpose of pleasing him. It’s just a bed now. It is funny how he became part of my routine in such a short time. 

But the connection was there. The desire to serve him, and his pride and pleasure at my service. I could feel him holding the leash. I could feel my desire to kneel at his feet, even while pulling up the sheets and smoothing them over the bed. That connection is the core of this life. Submission without recognition and appreciation is not submission at all. 

This hit home for me. It’s a huge change.

—

Kurt Vonnegut (via purplebuddhaquotes)

keep me there- tied up, writhing, screaming, sobbing in pain. with every touch, every hit, every punch, getting me wetter and wetter.

confuse me- make me unable to think, unable to understand whether i want this to stop or continue.

use me- as a cumdumpster, a cocksleeve, a worthless fuckpig who exists for your pleasure, to serve and amuse you

laugh at me- mock me about how stupid and pathetic i am for wanting this and much more, that i don’t deserve cock, but you’re gracious enough to fuck me.