scaly

So I've been thinking for. Maybe two or three years at least, that I may not be cis.

I present as a woman, according to my assigned gender. And tbh I really like having long pretty hair and wearing dresses and bows and whatnot. But I think I'd...... really like going by he/him and being refered to as a man and such.......

I've seen other posts online with a similar sentiment, and various coments responding the feeling comes from either sexualization of the affeminate man or desire to fit into the male patriarchal role. Idk, it could be either.

All I know is that I'd like to have facial hair and wear dresses and look cute with both. I'd like to present feminine but still be adressed as a man. Like guys who wear dresses, it's obvious that they were amab. It'd be cool if that could happen to me.

I refuse to make any transitions because I like my current image and I'm honestly terrified of asking for different pronouns irl. The most I'd do (if I had the money) would probably be trying to grow facial hair and get a more masculine build (no t because I'm afraid of hormonal changes).

Still idk if I'm "trans". I feel bad calling myself that when there are like... "actual" trans people? Idk whether to call them that, but that's how it feels

I'd feel bad telling my friends any of this, bc I'm friends with "actual" trans guys who actually care to transition and be percieved as themselves. Also I have long time cis friends who have known me all my life as a woman and I'm not sure if they could see me as anything else

And I said I could only stay from 5:00 to 11:00 (next morning) and now they're mad at me for going away too early ig? And they asked me if I just don't want to see them at all and if I don't care that they're going away?

Honestly I. I think I shouldn't accept sleepovers (esp when I've made clear I dislike them) BUT I'M TRYING OK. But maybe I'm being too much of a bitch. Like I genuenly think I've been clear that I don't like them and I've tried not to turn to agression to defend my stance EVEN WHEN THEY DO. But. Idk. I genuenly can't tell if they really feel bad about me not staying 24 hours straight or if they're just trying to make me feel bad. I'm just so tired.

Genuenly it would be way easier for me if we just spent a whole day together without sleeping over and I think we could spend even more time together but they'll probably get angry when I suggest it. I really don't get the problem like. Why does it have to be a sleepover we genuenly could spend longer together any other way.

And I get I'm making things difficult but. At sleepovers I'd rather spend the least amount of time there. And idk if I should even suggest something else bc I've done so already and I think they just. Don't care.

Idgaf if I'm being petty. I'm not responding to that behavior.

I just wanted to talk about something that I find interesting and that has become a bit of an obsession to me these past weeks. And I asked them if I could talk to them about it the next time we hang out. And they said I only could if it was a sleepover. Which I've made so clear, so many times, that I don't like.

I don't like sleeping at other people's houses. I only accept if it's like a special time or something, and they've been making sleepover after sleepover. And I told them I didn't want to go to any more sleepovers, at least for a while.

AND I WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT THIS. The first time we started that sort of hangout where we just take turns infodumping was indeed a sleepover, but like, then we just kept doing it, after we stopped sleepovers. AND IT WORKED.

Yes it takes longer. Yes, sometimes the rant has to be continued another day. BUT IS IT REALLY THAT BIG OF A DEAL? I COULD AND HAVE GONE DAYS WITH ONLY HEARING ABOUT THEIR FIXATIONS WITHOUT HAVING TO STAY OVER AT THEIR HOUSE.

But when I want to do it then it can only happen on a sleepover

Like I get it sounds kinda petty. Especially since they're neurodivergent af and I'm one of the people that they don't get socially drained with BUT I DO GET SOCIALLY DRAINED, EVEN WITH THEM

AND THE ONE FUCKIGN MOMENT I PUT A BOUNDARY THEY IMMEDIATELY TURN TO GUILTTRIPPING AND "OHH SO YOU HATE US AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE WITH US"

I just don't like sleepovers. Is that so fucking hard to get

And honestly if they could just ASK NICELY I might accept. I get they like to spend long times together and I could take a longer hangout every now and then. BUT THEY JUST.

Like I get I'm the punching bag of the group and I'm seriously fine with that, I get it's funny and most of the time I place myself in a position to be made fun of.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN DISRESPECTING MY BOUNDARIES OR ACTING LIKE THEY RUIN OUR DYNAMIC. THERE ARE FUCKING LIMITS AND THEY UNDERSTAND WHEN I'M NOT JOKING, YET THEY JUST KEEP SHITTING ON ME

AND I'M SO TIRED. I KEEP SUGGESTING HANGOUT IDEAS THAT DON'T DRAIN ME AS MUCH AND THAT THEY'VE NEVER COMPLAINED AGAINST.

But if I want to hang out it's always WHY DON'T WE SPEND 24 HOURS TOGETHER OH RIGHT IT'S BECAUSE YOU HATE US

Honeestly I don't even think I'm being overtly nice or permissive. I've made my boundary clear and I've refused to engage with their, for lack of a better word, ragebaiting. I keep suggesting alternatives. Why can't they just get it ffs.