Sayumi

---O---

You were in the washroom now relishing the feeling of the warm water as you dipped your cold hands into it. When you had returned from your journey to the cut-off soldier camp a few servants had kindly preparade a warm bassinette filled with warm water so you could wash yourself. 

After the entire day outside you were covered in sweat and mud. Your wet clothes clung to you like a second skin, but it had been worth it. The hopeful eyes of the surviving soldiers had been worth it. 

You had left a medic there and enough supplies to get them back to life, before you had been in the saddle on your way back to the Little Palace. 

The steam rose from the bassinette as you washed your hands and face. You closed your eyes, feeling the contrast, the cold from outside, the warmth now. 

Then a scent, the faint smell of jasmine from the gardens through the window took you back to a moment you remembered more often than you liked to admit. 

It was at twilight hour, you were walking along a path lit by lanterns in the palace gardens. That had been two years ago. 

Kirigan had been walking slightly behind you, his gaze distant. 

His curious tone had you stop in your tracks. 

"How do you do it?", he asked. 

"How do I do what?" 

"How do you make them all like you?” 

You laughed softly, not mockingly, just warm. "I don't do it on purpose. I just listen. I smile. It never hurts." 

He tilted his head slightly, intrigued. 

He walked a bit further alongside you. His presence so close made you nervous but you didn't show it. 

"You always seem to know what they need", he said, almost more to himself, his words surprising you. 

You shrugged a little embarrassed but still honest. "I guess I remember what it was like when I didn't have anyone listening or helping." 

He smirked slightly and you hated to admit to yourself how good he looked like this.  

"So, if I smile more, do you think I'd get a statue in the square?", he teased, and you laughed. 

You shook your head. "No statue. But maybe a few more people trusting you, as a start." 

The memory faded as you rinsed your face, the warmth still lingering, and finished washing yourself before you put on fresh clothes. They were far from noble, but clean and practical, made of comfortable fabrics. Slowly warming up and clean again you realized how tired you were after an entire day out in the country. You knew your actions would have consequences, but you had no idea just how quickly they'd come to you as you made your way to your room through dark hallways. 

The stone-made corridor was lit by torch light as you slowly made your way through it. 

It was late and most of the palace was asleep already but not Kirigan. He had been waiting for you. 

Close to the door to your room a dark figure stepped into the light and had you gasping for air. 

"What were you thinking?", he hissed. 

"You almost scared me to death", you countered and looked at him top to bottom. His dark eyes were locked on you. Cold and controlled but you could tell he was angry. 

"Good", he replied without hesitation: "Did you really think this would go without consequences?" 

"I thought you'd at least grant me a night's rest." You weren't that easy to intimidate. What could he do? Send you away? You had survived out there once, you'd do it again. 

"You undermined me in front of the entire council", Kirigan said through gritted teeth and stepped closer slowly. 

"I did the right thing. To help them was the right move. Strategically." 

"You-" but he caught himself again before he started to circle you. Predatory. Precise. 

"You're not doing this for strategy", he spat out: "You're doing it because you're still that starving girl hoping to save everyone." 

His words hurt you more than you liked to admit. The way he tried to reduce you to your weakness, hoping for a reaction. 

But he wouldn't get that from you. 

"Yes." 

That little girl was why you had gotten this far. That girl understood things he didn't. 

Instead of anger you hit him with calmness. Soft but sharp. 

"I'm doing this, so they trust you." 

He finally stopped in his track and listened intently. At first, he looked almost angry that you didn't take his bait, but then his expression shifted. 

"If you let them die, you lose loyalty. If you lose loyalty, you lose control, Kirigan." 

You voice was barely above a whisper when you said his name. 

"And if you lose control, you lose everything..." 

"You had direct orders", he tried to remain strong but his wall was getting cracks. You hadn't missed how his eyes had dropped to your lips when you said his name. 

"I believe in what you're trying to build", you continued even as he took another step closer to you, so his scent blurred your senses: "Enough to go against you." 

It was true. You believed in him and what he was trying to do. You wanted to see him succeed. Couldn't he see that? 

"I should kick you out. Have you leave the castle grounds before sunrise", he whispered. Was that pain you recognized in his voice? 

"That's what I'd do with everybody else in that court room." 

"But?", you asked more confused than hopeful. 

"But there seems to be a different set of rules when it comes to you." Gently he moved a strand of hair behind your ear, absent-mindedly like it was instinct. Your breath shuddered at the touch. 

He had never touched you before and his skin against yours was surprisingly warm. 

"Tell me", he cleared his throat as if to remain composed: "What am I going to tell the others? What would be convincing enough to let you stay." 

He was asking you? 

"One chance, Y/N. What am I going to tell them?"  

Your first name on his lips sounded like a prayer. The sweetest prayer you had ever heard. 

"I-", you stuttered: "You couldn't afford to let them die. Not strategically. Not politically. What if the Sun Summoner is out there?" 

His eyes widened at the mention. 

"Among soldiers, refugees, villages. If Ravka becomes a place people fear instead of trust, they will hide, they will never come to you", confident in your words you continued: "You need them to trust you. Everywhere. Or you will never find what you're searching for." 

To underline your words you softly added: "You know that." 

For a moment neither of you said a word. All you could hear was the fast beating of your hearts as he looked at you in the dim light of the torches. 

Then...after what seemed like an eternity, he nodded slowly. 

"Okay" His verdict. 

He was still too close. So close you felt the heat radiating from his body. So close you had to look up at him. He towered over you, strong and intimidating. But you weren't scared, if anything his entire presence intrigued you. Pulled you in. You wanted to reach out. 

In the exact moment he pulled away. Without another word he turned around and slowly took a few steps. 

That was it? You were off the hook already? 

"Kirigan!", you shouted after him louder than you had anticipated, each syllable echoing through the corridor. 

He stopped in his track but didn't look at you. 

"Why are there different rules for me?" 

This time it was you who slowly approached him. Followed him to the darker part of the hallway, right between two torches. 

He didn't say a word. Not even when you had caught up with him. Not even when you looked at him through questioning, big eyes. 

"Why not send me away?" 

A bitter laugh escaped him. "Don't act like you don't see it." 

"See what?" 

What on earth was this about. 

He dropped his head back exhaling through his nose before he looked down at you again. 

"You're the most valuable person in that room", he started but it didn't fully sound like the truth: "All of them. They know how to go into battle. They're Grisha. They know everything there is to know about strategic warfare but none of them worry about loyalty. Not like you. You tell me what to do, to keep the kingdom loyal. What to do so they trust me. Nobody knows people the way you do." 

"What?", you asked in disbelieve: "I stay because I know how to please people?" 

"Oh, I’d wager you do", Kirigan replied with a grin that sent a shiver down your spine. 

Your breath caught right there. 

Wait- what was that? 

Heat travelled to your cheeks as the insinuation of his words settled in between the two of you. 

Even he seemed a little surprised by it, like they had slipped more than they had been intended. 

Neither of you spoke for a second too long. He didn't take it back. Then he shifted slightly and his tone dropped back into something more controlled. 

"You make it look effortless", he finally spoke and examined your reaction. But there was an underlying tone in his voice now that he couldn't fully hide anymore. 

Slightly breathless but composed you took a step even closer. You leaned in a little as you pretended innocence and asked: "Is that what you think I'm doing? Pleasing?" 

He didn't step away. He was so close now that you were aware of his breathing. 

In a more teasing tone you smirked and added: "General." 

You watched his gaze drop briefly to your lips, then your exposed neck. 

You swallowed hard. The realisation hitting you, that you had gotten yourself into deep. What on earth were you thinking? 

You studied his face. His handsome face that was fighting for control over this. Over himself. 

"You are", he hesitated: "Astonishing." 

For a moment he wanted to stop himself then he surrendered to the urge of touching you again. His big hand gently cupped your cheek and against better judgement you leaned into the touch. 

You didn't expect your next words to have the impact they did when you whispered: "I'm doing this for you." 

Your words hit him hard and cut through the last thread of self-control.  

His hand travelled from your cheek to your chin to lift it and then...he kissed you with a force that almost made you lose balance. 

But he held you. His other arm wrapped around your lower back and pulled you closer. The kiss was urgent and desperately seeking to dominate you. 

You moaned into the kiss and after a moment of realizing what was happening you grabbed his coat to hold onto him.  

Then you felt it. Hesitation, a pull away, ever so slightly. Realization was hitting him as well but you kept him from pulling away. 

You knew this shouldn't happen, but it was and you weren't ready to let go. 

His taste had your head spinning and your tongue asking for more, which he granted you with a smirk.  

Within seconds he had you pinned against the stone wall of the corridor, his hands travelling to your thighs.  

"Kirigan", you moaned his name against his lips and moved your fingers from his coat to his hair. A desperate groan escaped him while his grip on your thighs tightened almost painfully. 

Only when you were both completely out of breath, both of you broke the kiss. Breathing the same air, faces just inches apart. 

Right there and then in the cold dark corridor reality settled back in between the two of you. 

You dropped your head back against the wall, your lips still tingling.  

The sight of him in the dim light, his hair dishevelled, shirt messy and his lips swollen, got your head spinning. 

How on earth were you supposed to forget this sight? Or how his lips tasted? 

everyone knew the akatsuki would be an unpredictable and terribly dangerous enemy. but not a soul could have predicted everything that went down on the first day on the fourth great ninja war.

impure world reincarnation… how cowardly and ignoble.

“take a break my dear kakashi!” gai’s voice suddenly rung in his ears, ripping the recently appointed captain out of his thoughts. “a squad from the second division just joined us, they will help keep watch while we revigorate ourselves!”

kakashi nodded, exhaustion silencing his instinct to remain alert at all times. a war is won through proper rest just as much as through battles.

once his back hit the trunk of the tree he chose as his resting place, he didn’t lose a second opening his beloved book. the soft moonlight peeking through the leaves was barely enough to make out the words on the pages, but he almost knew it by heart anyway.

“even the fourth ninja war won’t rip that book away from your hands, it seems.”

hair rose on his arm when he recognized the voice. he couldn’t help the way his gaze jumped up to wash over you, scrutinizing your body for any trace of harm.

none apparent. you were, after all, one of konoha’s strongest.

“i wasn’t aware you were in the squad that broke away from division two,” kakashi ignored the familiar thrill that animated him whenever he was about to push your buttons. “hope it’s not because you were being insubordinate. again.”

your eyes narrowed at him, lip twitching in irritation, yet you still dropped down beside him like you were invited.

“think i’d ever go out of my way just to spend time with you? that’s cute.”

a smile cracked his mouth open, one he barely contained before it spilled over the edge of his mask.

he glanced up from his book – not a single word he was pretending to read registered since you appeared. you were already staring at him intensely. kakashi’s heart jumped, startled, and tripped over itself, losing its regular rythm.

that was not the first time it happened – but each time, the jōnin felt a little bit more stupid and a little bit more like he was back at ten year old, not knowing how to act ever since his unfortunate little comment about your performance during the chunin exam bound your undying wrath to his humble self for eternity.

it hadn’t taken long for him to step out of his dazed state when the two of you fell into a rivalry that made gai green – greener than he already was – with envy.

kakashi hadn’t meant for it to happen, but you were just too insufferable. always letting your mouth run, unable to give up when needed, holding grudges like never before and most importantly – having a serious problem with authority.

one that he experienced firsthand for decades throughout countless missions, since the third hokage seemed suspiciously fond of your pairing.

“your brain’s too small for you to do all that thinking.”

while the hatred might have wore off into a friendlier rivalry with the years, your sharp tongue hadn’t, unfortunately, become dull.

“nice to see the war had no impact on your maturity,” kakashi sighed, dragging his gaze back to his book, knowing damn well you hated it when he ruined your fun.

“get off your high horse,” you rolled your eyes. a silence stretched, before you spoke again. “i heard you fought the seven swordsmen of the mist.”

“we did.”

“good job.”

he looked up. your eyes had left his side and were now lost in the treeline, but he knew your attention remained on him.

“that’s the first time you ever complimented me,” kakashi noted.

“i can take it back.”

he hummed, as if contemplating. “too late.”

you chuckled, and leaned closer to him. not by much to the exterior eye, but by a landslide for someone that knew you and your apathy for the copy ninja. that was terrible for his focus. the warmth of your body teased his own like a flytrap. it clouded his thoughts.

his throat was drier than usual when he finally asked, suspicion lacing his voice, “is everything okay?”

“yeah,” you fluttered your eyelashes at him. “i was just thinking. about us.”

kakashi froze. you angled your body so that you were facing him as you talked, on hand softly grazing his knee before firmly settling here.

“i think i’ve been unfair to you,” you continued, and the grey-haired ninja had to gather all his strength to focus on your words and not your hand. “i know i made things difficult. on missions. i know i didn’t always–“

“you never followed a single order i gave.”

“now you’re exaggerating. i never followed the bad orders you gave.”

“orders are orders. if you don’t follow them–“

“kakashi.”

his stomach twisted.

his name. you never use his name – not when adressing him directly. it was always hatake or you – or a bunch of insults – clipped and pointed like the small blades you carry. but now, soft, in the dark, in your voice…

something pulled in the back of his mind. a sense of wrongness. but he was too busy cataloguing the exact way his name sounded in your mouth, the exact way you looked when you dropped the sarcastic armor…

you’d move closer again. he hadn’t noticed until tentative fingers brushed against the side of his jaw.

“i guess what i’m trying to say…”

your eyes were so big, so warm, they pulled him in – him, the man who thought he was not one to fumble before you, for he had faced much worse. oh how wrong he was. because the way you slowly reduced the space between your two faces, kakashi was certain that all his ideals, his guilt, his fears, his reluctance, his reason – all would crumble if you pressed your lips to his.

“y/n–“

“i’m sorry, kakashi. i was wrong about you.”

wrong.

the word rang in his ears as you leaned closer, spinning so fast in his mind it dissolved the fog your proximity had casted.

you whispered his name again.

i was wrong.

his hand suddenly grabbed your wrist. too late. the kunai already came flying like a bullet. kakashi barely had time to throw his neck out of the trajectory before the blade plunged in the flesh of his shoulder.

he let out a pained groan. in a split second, his sharingan flashed and your body was thrown across the ground with the force of his kick.

“what a shame. i was almost there.”

your face dissolved into something pale and hollow-eyes, and the creature smiled at him with too many teeth.

zetsu.

a quiet anger flooded the copy ninja’s veins. he should’ve known… the enemy could copy someone’s chakra signature and seamlessly blend in.

he hoped whatever this was, it did not mean you were hurt – or worse.

“was the apology too much?” the white minion taunted him. “i thought i had her personality pretty much covered. courtesy of yamato’s memories, of course.”

kakashi did not grant him an answer – he was not stupid enough to reveal the one detail zetsu could use again to copy you perfectly.

which was you’d rather die than ever admit you were wrong.

“what did you do to her?”

the akatsuki member seemed to sense the threat laced in the question. “just stole a bit of chakra. don’t worry, we had other plans for her… her weakness had always been her parents, hasn’t it?”

kakashi’s eyes widened when he understood. the enemy had reincarnated your parents. not only were they legendary warriors from the village – they were the people you loved and missed more than anything in the world. fighting them… it would crush you.

“bastards,” he spat through gritted teeth.

“ah yes, you were always very attached to her weren’t you?” zetsu continued pleasantly. “yamato noticed. he’s very observant. who you protect… who you watch when you think no one’s looking. apparently, a lot of your friends share his little theory. not very discreet of you. but you are not a ninja with many weakness, kakashi of the sharigan, so this theory … we had to test it.”

kakashi’s jaw clenched at the mention of his friend, captured by the akatsuki. he was quivering with impatience to blow zetsu in pieces, but he needed to collect as much intelligence on what the enemy knew about them.

“i was curious too. how pleasant it was to discover he was right all along!” his uncanny smile returned, splitting his face in half. “of course you love her. your rival. someone you have history with. so much tension between you two. someone who would seek you out, who’d have a reason to get close – and you’d let her, wouldn’t you. because you’d want to.”

kakashi wished he could deny it. the compliment, the use of his name, the physical contact. too many things didn’t add up. but there was a part of him that wanted it, wanted you – so much it crushed the rational, alert side of his brain.

“it worked beautifully. only a second more and i would have slit the throat of the great copy ninja,” zetsu grinned. “human feelings make such clean little traps.”

kakashi’s glare could have crucified the white creature of its spot. “you talk too much.”

the scream of a thousand birds split the air. zetsu didn’t talk after that.

blood – his own – pooled on the grass as he walked back to the trunk. he picked up his book, careful not to taint it red. walked back to camp.

maybe the universe wanted to punish for falling into this lousy trap. when he ducked in the medical tent, one hand covering his gaping wound, you were already inside. mid-argument with a medic-nin.

yes, no doubt. that was the real one.

a weird mix of relief, embarrassment, and warmth washed over him.

“i can fight just as well with one hand as i can with two–“

“miss y/n, i am only asking you to stay overnight to mend your wrist, other unharmed ninja can assure patrolling–“

“oh for fuck’s sake just–“

you stopped mid-sentence when you saw kakashi. your eyes fell straight to his bloody shoulder.

“how the hell did that happen?”

the medic-nin let out a long, exasperated sigh when you jumped to your feet. that earned him a glare, and in a split second you had shoved the copy ninja in his hands for him to mend.

“it’s fine,” kakashi answered, but a hiss of pain contradicted his claim.

“i didn’t ask.” the look on your face was one he knew well. a deep frown carved between your brows – not exactly worry. not mainly – you also had that look of when someone beat you to something. “who did this to you?”

“an enemy combatant,” he groaned as he forced his body still. “as one might expect. at war.”

you clicked your tongue in irritation, and kakashi knew you’d have hit him if he weren’t already hurt. a smile sneaked onto his lips. you were worried.

“that’s almost to the bone,” dark eyes traced his wound again. your voice sharpened when you continued: “i’ve sparred with you for years, hatake. i have never once– how did they even get that close?”

he looked at a fixed point above your head. beads of sweat rolled off his skin and it wasn’t because of the heat.

“they caught me off guard.”

you raised a dubious brow. “you?”

“it happens,” kakashi swallowed thickly.

“not to you.”

your eyes narrowed, as if you were doing math and the results were not adding up.

“what did they do? what was the opening?” of course, he should’ve known. you weren’t questioning him out of concern – you wanted to know how to beat him. little did you know…

“are you seriously jealous of someone because they stabbed me?” disbelief coated his question.

you rolled your eyes. “no. i just want to know what i’ve been missing.” the medic-nin sighed again behind them, no doubt further exasperated by you. “come on, spill it, hatake. how did they do it?”

kakashi was quiet for too long. his wound was throbbing, his face was too warm behind his mask. he became aware that he had not yet come up with a single answer he was willing to give you, and the longer the moment stretched, the more obvious it grew.

“get your wrist wrapped,” he deflected.

“hatake–“

“enough!” the medic-nin shrieked and you both jumped, startled by the sudden outburst. “both of you stay here overnight to heal. we only have so much beds, so you’ll just have to share this one. but if i hear one more bickering from either one of you, i will kick you out!”

with that, he stomped angrily towards the furthest medical kit, grumbling about ninjas and childish behaviour during the war.

when he glanced back at you, kakashi could have sworn your cheeks had turned pink as you eyed the ridiculous tiny bed he was sat on.

oh. oh.

his brain finally registered the entire monologue, and he felt his entire body heat up again.

he should probably have a talk with yamato after the war. since he seemed to know so much more about this than himself did.