SayKids!

Not forever, but definitely for some time, I’m going to pause the English version of this blog. Apologies! I’m not yet able to maintain two versions and my readership so far is over 80% French speakers, who have been generous and patient enough to read the English version.

You can hit me up or see what I’m up to on my site http://www.lauremerlin.com

Sounds simple but we often confuse thinking ahead with worrying… My sixth key lets you see stuff upfront to quit worry!

First, you need to let go of your “shoulds”… My kids should not touch stuff unless it’s permitted, my kids should be silent during the concert, my kids shouldn’t go wild when I met someone at the market and start chatting…

I’ve been three times at classical and baroque music concerts, you know, where most attendees give you a terrified look when you enter with toddlers… I never expected to stay until the end, the minute my kids seemed to be ready to make noise, we’d go out, all happy in a good mood (with no-one throwing the program at us, or even saying “hush!!!”)

Babywearing my 3 years old easily gives us an added twenty minutes of calm. Making sure they see clearly the players, they are well fed, and parking far so they’ll have a long run/walk right before… and making clear to the 6 years old that we’ll go in silence the moment I decide that we start disturbing others - I don’t start a conversation during the concert “honey I think we should go/no let’s stay/but your sister/but me…”

Second, prepare the environment whenever possible. If you are at friends', everyone will be feeling much better if you decide to sit in the kitchen because the salon is full of crystals, collectors or vases at kids’reach. Much more pleasant than interrupting your conversations time and again to “don’t touch!” your little explorers, and lead the way to a collective tantrum.

Third, rehearse! Kids love to role-play over and over, that’s a great way to ease their feelings and guide their actions. My son went off to his first camp recently, he was very eager but I knew that he had never experienced such a long separation (3 days). Not even at his grandparents or with his dad without me. So we played the scene maybe thirty times in the previous weeks:

"I’ll ask you, wow, it looks fantastic here, can we stay with you? -nooo! It’s only for kids! No parents allowed! -then your sister will say: I’m a child, I can stay!!! -only four and older, you can’t stay! This camp is only for me now!”

Did you discover fear once you became a parent? Do you sometimes step back and see yourself passing on some fears to your kids? Or do you see your partner doing that?

How do you discuss the topic, with him or with yourself? Isn't fear a supercharged emotion? How do you let go of it?

You’re such a mindset-master by now! ….so let’s get in our bodies :-) My fourth key is: be mammal.

How fantastic if you breastfed, give yourself the cheers you deserve! If you didn’t, you might wanna take some time and loving self-care to heal about it, both for yourself and your child, because you both were deprived of this intimate, hormonal connection.

All habits and choices when you and your child are in physical contact have immense benefits on their stress level, like baby-wearing, co-sleeping, cuddling, wrestling for fun… European culture is seriously lacking, compared to other cultures, on this particular basic need.

My boy is usually avoiding direct hugs on my own timing, so I don’t conclude he doesn’t need physical contact, but instead that he needs it under a different form! So I carry him on my back as we play, or I read with him shoulder to shoulder, or I take his hand while walking.

The timing is often an issue too, the most fulfilling and balancing physical contact for your child will come on his cue, not necessarily when you feel like it. Pay attention to which emotion makes him more receptive, don’t offer cuddles only when he cries. Celebrating and sharing joy with hugs is fantastic for both of you!

And if you fear inappropriate contact, studies prove that the more frequent healthy physical contact is happening in a family, the less there is a risk to fall into inappropriate touch. The child whose needs of physical contact are usually fulfilled is also better equipped to detect the wrong kind of touch.

Tell me, how did the first keys help you so far? My third key for positive parenting is: gratitude, focus on appreciation- instead of focusing on the annoying part.

Do you have a gratitude journal? If you do, a good tip for it to work wonders is: details. “I’m grateful for my kids” is nowhere as powerful as “I’m grateful for the sound of my kids laughing when they were running in the garden yesterday”

What if the situation is boring, irritating or driving you nuts? There is always a way to bring it back into gratitude (huh, I commit to do just that, next time my kids spill water all over the kitchen floor…) Like “wow, how fantastic they didn’t spill my precious olive oil instead!”

Or “what a great chance to mop the floor, which was in dire need of it!”

You see? It’s a sort of conscious choice which needs some practice, but really makes miracles in all areas of your life- not to mention your general mood and attitude towards life. Taking responsibility for your own experience.

It’s not denial, like “I love it when my child bites me!” but finding the positive bit and expanding it “great that he didn’t bite his baby sister!”

My second key is to consciously be curious. To get out of reactive mode, out of the endless race to do/answer, back into the open, peaceful space of observation.

Really look and suspend judgment, what’s happening now is all new, you’ve never seen it before. If it looks like the 17th time, it’s probably because you overlooked some details… at least, it’s can’t be the 16th time all over again, right?

With the first key, you’ve been paying attention to your own triggers, emotions, thoughts and patterns. Now you can direct your fresh attention toward your child, the situation at hand, and to the larger view: what are his current interests? What is she working on, pouring liquids, getting dressed, dealing with fear, understanding that adults actually don’t know everything under the sun?

Is he more into self discovery, into developing social skills, into abstract pursuits or dancing?

Lots of interesting books, like Mind in the Making (Galinsky) for example.

Do you get a chance to see her playing freely, with no rules, no hurry, nor responsible adult? Or do you know who he is, being monitored by others?

You can see your child as the seed of the tree. Or you can see her as fully complete right now. Or you can see him as the expression of his generation, or of your lineage. Or you can see her as an noble queen from outer space… Change perspective, try on his own perspective, and look again!

You see this little creature depending on you for its everything, and you feel empowered to be a loving, nurturing, caring, guiding, inspiring parent. Congratulations!!!

How to actually achieve that hefty mission!?! If you didn’t have the optimal parents yourself, the hardest job you ever had is about to begin, and chances of escape are slight… The good news is, you’ll clear out your own junk and deal with your own crap faster and deeper than you’d have dreamed of otherwise.

Maybe your baby doesn’t know your name yet, but she sure knows how you feel. How can your toddlers trigger more fight or flight responses than your gross racist neighbour?

They are such generous souls that they will probably push your buttons and let you expose your confusion, until you get it handled… Start early!

My first key is: personal growth. Embrace it like your life depends on it, decide to read, listen, introspect, experience, get workshopped or retreated, coached or healed…

But in order to achieve real progress, please, don’t harass yourself, feel guilt or shame for how imperfect you still are. Love yourself just where you’re at now.

If you can do that, you already master a non-judgemental attitude, that is such a breeze for everyone, specially for your children.

See, how you can look at them with curiosity and unconditional love? How you’re free to choose your response and liberated from knee-jerk reacts?

You just yelled because your baby shrieked for too long? Amazing what you’ve been through in your infancy, and you had forgotten that! That is so awesome that you’re working toward being a loving parent! Yay! How many unfortunate kids have grown up to obsess about having their child “listen” (read: obey blindly)?

But you’re not that kind. You know you’ve got a bumpy road ahead, and you’re up to the challenge, your baby is so worth it…

Every human seems to have his own unique rhythm. How do you feel when someone talks so fast that she drowns you in a sea of words (oops, maybe it was me ;o )? How do you feel when your mate is so long to prepare that you’d better take a nap?

And the rhythm difference in people is not spread evenly. My son can speak or get in the car really fast but to prepare for most switch of activities, he really takes time to process.

Rare are the children who naturally do everything on the same rhythm than their parents. How peaceful and connected it feels, when we are aware of rhythms, and go with them instead of against them!

The older I get, the more uncertain I am that grownups have the most efficient worldview… When I get stuck into “explaining” why something they don’t like makes a lot of sense to me, I suddenly stop and ask myself: “Who’s perspective is that?”

Mine. If I had adopted my child’s perspective, and changed it from inside, we wouldn’t be stuck here:

”- I don’t want my daddy to go without me! I’m going to catch him and never let him go for all my life! I’m going to explode his car so he can’t drive to the airport!!! - (But he will come back! But he already booked the flight! But he had to go see his mum!)”

Tried and true, as my husband is going in an hour for six weeks in Ethiopia:

"I think you will love it actually, when you see him on Skype, and you talk to him when he will be in Ethiopia! - I’d say what? - you’ll tell him about the big spaceship you built! And that you biked around the table playing with your sister! And that you’d have read her a book, and wrote a letter to your grandma, and visited our friends.. - (huge smile on his face) - And you would ask your father about his day too! - what would he say? - that he was very warm and had a long coffee ceremony with his mum! That he met his friend Mamush!…”

What element is already in the situation, that your child does like? Making him adopt your perspective usually flops, but you can switch from his own painful perspective, to his own joyful perspective!