Whoreoscope Shit

I made a joke abt doing a Dark version of this post and like 100 of you asked me to do it so I take zero responsibility (also follow op @shirostrology)

Get yourself an Aries if you want someone who will fist fight a stranger in the club for “looking at you wrong” and get u both kicked out. Someone with a god complex.

Get yourself a Taurus if you want someone who will eat all the food in your apartment but look at you differently forever if you ask for one of their fries. Someone lazy and indignant.

Get yourself a Gemini if you want someone who drunk texts you every weekend and makes plans and then forgets about it and says shit like “why don’t we ever spend time together I miss you!”. Someone just a lil stupid.

Get yourself a Cancer if you want someone to give you unsolicited life advice and get offended when you don’t follow it and blame all your problems on not listening to them. Someone clingy as hell.

Get yourself a Leo if you want someone who makes the whole friend group swear they’ll never date each others exes and then start dating your ex that you still have feelings for and end up getting engaged. Someone who forgets other people exist.

Get yourself a Virgo if you want someone who will ignore your “hey are you still coming?” text with the phone In Their Hand. Someone with mommy issues.

Get yourself a Libra if you want someone that will constantly make you question how platonic your friendship is but never directly explain. Someone kinda emotionally slutty.

Get yourself a Scorpio if you want someone who lowkey knows your passwords and saved their fingerprint in your phone and has never used that access but it freaks you out that they have it. Someone highkey evil.

Get yourself a Sagittarius if you want someone who asks your crush “what would you do if [your name] had a crush on you?” and claims they were just trying to help. Someone that needs to calm down.

Get yourself a Capricorn if you want someone who spends the whole night checking their Blackboard scores with the club wifi and finds out they got a 99% and it ruins their whole night. Someone uptight.

Get yourself an Aquarius if you want someone who insists they’re just “not looking for a relationship right now” but is lowkey actively going on tinder dates and finds their Soul Mate every other week. Someone that is Literally A Fucking Robot.

aries: it’s obvious, they are super projective over you and would fight someone for you. they’ll tease you but don’t want others being mean to you. will always have your back.

taurus: very touchy, feely and supportive to those they care about. they’ll pay a lot of attention to you and always remember small details about your life. they will be there for you 24/7.

gemini: they will always want to have fun with you and go on aventures, they will try to cheer you up with laughter when you’re down and never abandon you. they’ll talk with you for hours.

cancer: they will tell you and be very affectionate towards you. they will be there for you all the time and always want to be around you. will always want to talk about your life.

leo: a leo will shower you with gifts and affection so you know they care about you. it will most likely be obvious because they will tell you or pay a lot of attention to you constantly. 

virgo: a vitro will joie around with you a lot but at the same time they will always be there for you ad be very supportive. they may not say they care but they will definitely show it.

libra: if a libra cares about you they will open up to you. they love to share their lives with people they care about and they’ll tell you personal things. they will also be there for you no matter what and make you feel good about yourself.

scorpio: there’s good chance they won’t just straight up say it but they’ll show it by always listening to you and offering advice as well as defending you no matter what, also super projective of you. 

sagittarius: would literally do anything for someone they care about. they are super loyal to the ones they love and stick by their with uplifting support and openmindedness.

capricorn: capricorns are very loyal to the ones they care about and stick up for them no matter what. they also love to help others so they’ll give lots of advice and support to you.

aquarius: they’ll want to talk and be close with you all the time. if you’re upset they will try their hardest to make you smile or laugh and they won’t ever give up on you. 

“The devil kicks the angel from my shoulder Says let’s have some fun You can get your share of sleeping when you’re older”

-Aries, Gemini.

“Boy, the night is young He said think of all the temptations thats waiting for you in the dark Oh, I’m trying, I’m trying, my best to be good But lord, it’s getting hard”

-Taurus, Leo

“Take me to the heaven I know Where the angels all dance And the neon cross glows Take me to the alter tonight Go and bathe me in the water Drown me in the light”

-Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces

“Feeling all my good intentions fading with the setting sun I’m trying to fight my demons, but the truth is they’ve already won I’ll pay the price tomorrow for the crazy things I do tonight, yeah”

-Scorpio, Sagittarius

“ What is it about this time tonight, that makes these wrong things feel so right Right, right, right Whoa”

Aries: The Green Mother has not stopped singing. Hear her lullabies in the cars passing in the night. 

Taurus: Sleep is how our bodies get us out of the way for our mind to do some crazy shit.

Gemini: Drinking a glass of chemically pure water would tear the trace metals out of your mouth and neck. Purity is dangerous. Remember this.

Cancer: The daughters of the hunt watch over your home. Rest, knowing you are protected. Peace of mind is a luxury these days.

Leo: Something moves soundlessly through your neighborhood, avoiding the streetlights. Check on your pets.

Virgo: Some people only feel comfortable enough to be themselves when behind a mask. Others may hide shame. It is not our business to ask.

Libra: The likelihood of you being killed by a terrorist is roughly the same as being struck by lightning while being eaten by a shark. One of these is an unquestionably better story.

Scorpio: Life is too short not to cross-dress and commit petty crimes.

Ophiuchus: Aloe vera is excellent for burns, but not that kind.

Sagittarius: You don’t really battle with depression, its more like a staring contest that lasts nine years. Medication is only the beginning of therapy.

Capricorn: You carry a physical reminder with you. Meaning does not fade, it flows from one thing to the next. The wheel turns.

Aquarius: Thankless work is the best kind of work. Its proof you’re a nice person. 

Aries: Frustration hurts only the frustrated. However we cannot help but feel.

Taurus: Its all a game. For better and for worse.

Gemini: Sponges have both a soft and an abrasive side. Know when to use them.

Cancer: Its late at night and the bookstore is almost closed. The books feel heavy in your hands. Where is the checkout counter?

Leo: Everywhere you look you see a thousand unsolved puzzles. Do not trifle yourself with one in particular.

Virgo: We eat plants the grow from the ground. In turn, on moonless nights the ground reaches its slender hands to us and pulls us under. This is probably the natural way of things.

Libra: Do you see them? Velvet shapes in the dark? The emissaries of night are only checking to see if you are okay.

Scorpio: One day my little seaside town will be swallowed by the ocean. But that is then and this is now. I will make lunch.

Ophiuchus: Rope is only as good as the hand that makes it and the hand it was made for.

Sagittarius: The sisters of the hunt follow you to work as long as its still dark out. Consider eating some extra meat in their honor.

Capricorn: Learn another language and deep fry something.

Aquarius: Its only an organ.

How to be deadly: Aries, Aquarius, Capricorn, Sagittarius

How to be pretty: Libra, Taurus, Pisces, Gemini

Aries: Know that obsession rarely helps the obsessed.

Taurus: The world is a lobotomist. It will rip the old things from your head and leave you with holes. It may not be kind.

Gemini: Where did your food come from? How can you know? Does the earth want it back? She does. Eventually.

Cancer: The evil inside you can hide itself as things you love. Probably not your penchant for baked beans though.

Leo: The most vibrant animals are the ones you should touch the least.

Virgo: You must carve yourself into new shapes or the warden will do it for you.

Libra: It can be subtle. Ever had someone passive aggressively leave a book on your bed? 

Scorpio: A hide of knives protects a vulnerable center, but its still a hide of fuckin knives.

Ophiuchus: Your dreams dream of you.

Sagittarius: Embrace the quiet. You have two ears for a reason.

Capricorn: You’ll look back on all of it and wish it to be burned. Start the fire as soon as possible.

Aquarius: Fervor is confusing and can lead to unexpected consequences but its damned effective. 

NOT IF YOU ASK HER FIRST 

Aries: Every 24 hours without sleep is equivalent to about 1 tab of acid. This is not a challenge.

Taurus: It’s amazing how a half dozen words of mild dissaproval can absolutely ruin a day and send some people into a spiral of murderous vendetta.

Gemini: A desire for companionship is natural. Necromancy is too far.

Cancer: there’s a decent chance the world is a simulation or some vast dream but that really won’t change how much people enjoy things like thigh highs and movies.

Leo: Ideas are not bulletproof, they are vulnerable to heavy arms fire and heat based weaponry.

Virgo: Big words from a pile of weird atomic sand that thinks it can talk and has a name.

Libra: Get it out. Scribble madly on the page. Tear the paper. Damage the desk underneath.

Scorpio: Ever see something interesting by the side of the road? How many of those memories do you have? Why do you remember some and not others?

Ophiuchus: The believers know they’re right.

Sagittarius: I asked a star for your fortune but she just did finger guns at me. Now she’s wearing my aviators. She look cool. I bet you do too.

Capricorn: Wear an apron and nothing else.

Aquarius: There is no justice in suffering. You owe nothing. Treat yourself.