Vivant Cadavre

I feel indifferent. Somewhat a knot in my stomach. Maybe a little uneasy that this has seemed easy for you and so hard for me. It’s been awhile and i feel comfortable over the situation but in reality I’m actually not. I still think about it from time to time. The hope and hate battle inside me. I want to give tears at times but i know it’s not worth it. It’s not worth the energy. I look back and I’m confused. Did i ever have a relationship with you. A real relationship. I don’t know if i did. Maybe. It hurt at first to know that you seem fine, that this isn’t really hard for you, that me leaving your life didn’t really leave a gap or emptiness. That you’re able to function how you did before without skipping a beat or thought. I guess that’s how it should be, but a selfish part about me wishes that you seemed to care that I’m not there anymore. That i added value to your life and the value meant a lot to you. I have to admit that’s really hard to witness. I try my hardest to ignore it and if I’m honest with myself I’m pretty bad at it. Yeah there’s hours and hours where i don’t think about it but inevitably i watch, i look, i wonder. I stop myself though now. I don’t indulge. I try not to indulge. I watched every video on how to get over this. and they’ve helped. They’ve also not helped. I always know I’ll be okay but i guess it’s a frustrating thing to accept that this is who you are and this is what you chose

— Holly Black