Mavka enjoyer

First off, my deepest condolences. I'm so sorry about the amount of grief you must be going through. While I'm honored you'd ask me specifically about this, I'm also perplexed that you consider my advice to be worth much considering the contents of my blog. I'm gonna make a wild guess and assume it has to do with me being open about BPD, neurodivergence, therapy, and my shitty ex on top of just being sapphic. So, I'll try to help to the best of my abilities.

I'll give you the responsible useful answer first, and then I'll tell you what my own lived experience has taught me, very very bluntly:

1. My darling @miss-asmodeus has suggested that I direct you to @sappho-offical for assistance in her asks, since according to her she's more used to giving advice on this sort of thing

I think if you want a more well-adjusted, grounded perspective, you should definitely seek it out from someone who knows their stuff. I'm super flattered by this, but seriously: I am just Local Unhinged Lesbian™ n.469 who's still figuring shit out, and also your issue specifically hits way too close to home for me to even pretend to be unbiased. That being said…

2. Your questions already contain your answer, and you know it. I don't think you need advice, I think you just need to be sure of yourself instead of seeking external validation to do what's fairest to you

If you struggle with BPD (which I wouldn't be shocked by given that your options seem to exclusively focus on the unfair treatment you've experienced/searching for a reaction or retribution, instead of how to do what's best for your well-being) then you really need to reframe how you approach this: Your goal isn't to hurt her, or make her understand your pain, or make her feel how she's made you feel; your goal is to heal.

That probably seems like an impossible task given the amount of grief you're in, but you owe it to yourself to put your well-being first if you have so much as an ounce of self-respect. In the future, you can analyze why you allowed yourself to be treated like that for so long and why you clung to someone who you don't believe cares or can support you the way you need. But right now, you need to focus on staying afloat, looking inward for peace, and moving on.

My ex was very similar. I craved their love and acknowledgment more than anything because I was not treated fairly. They always left me on read and avoided me when I was unwell and required support. Clinging to the hope that they'd finally come around one day and show up for me kept me in a neglectful and abusive relationship for three years, and then afterward prevented me from moving on. But you will move on, you'll be happier eventually, and the pain of feeling rejected and unworthy will be horrendous, but it will improve. Someday you'll realize that you can't afford to settle for anything less than what you need to improve your life, not just tolerate what you thought you deserved for love.

You must be your own best friend and biggest supporter in all matters. You have the right to grieve, to mourn, to feel angry and betrayed and slighted, but beyond the catharsis of feeling, you need to move on. Cry, be angry, rage, but never look back. Block her and everything that connects you to her, break off all contact; you've given this issue too much of your mental energy already. You can only move on by letting go and looking forward. You'll be happier for it, and you'll see that love requires more than just romantic feelings: it requires care. Forget about justice, fairness, motives and reacting. Surround yourself with people who care, instead. That's the best advice I can give you.

Nadya's grandmother (Oleksandra, wrinkly raisin pictured above), the family matriarch, had sacrificed her own firstborn daughter to gain the goddess' protection after she had to endure the Holodomor and WW2 in her youth. Binah Mokosh, in return, granted them a forest and a хата (Ukrainian rural homestead) far removed from society inside an impenetrable forcefield that slowed time and prevented death by normal means so long as the whole family stayed inside it.

Nadya lived in this woodland liminal space in the middle of nowhere with no one but her grandma, aunt and mom. She escaped as a teen after a lifetime of abuse from her grandma, particularly after she came out as gay. Afterwards, she fled home and became a goth tattooed Sathariel Morana-worshipping junkie party animal.