Back In This Hedonistic Place

I hope its not true but im getting daja vu/pattern recognition whatever it is, its always accurate... its happening again and i just hope my friends and family are safe.

tired of people, tired of life, tired of all this bullshit. i guess im stewing on stupid crap i shouldn't be but fuck dude i need a break

without fail im reminded again how little i am deserving of dignity and equity from my friends and family... and i know, i know because everything i have ever asked for i have given. if anyone said the things i said in my worst moments to people said those things to me i wouldn't leave their side, i would hug them if they allowed, i would be there for them in every way possible and i know i would because i already have so many times.... but i rare ever get it back and you shouldn't expect it but it hurts and wears you down... even if i do something nice for myself... its deemed selfish and wrong. im so tired

its ridiculous, i keep having these dreams where things are normal and my favorite thing to do in these dreams is pick you up and carry you around, i don't actually think you would like this or want this to happen in reality but in my head it feels so nice to be able to scoop you up and hold you close. these are breaks from being angry, breaks from remembering how badly you hurt me a break from feeling like i need to hate you and a break from the darker thoughts that surround all those broken promises. a moment back to when things were fun and we had good lengthy talks about foundation and boundaries. its hard not to remember the effort and you asking if i had fears with this relationship and me telling you... and you doing exactly what i told you i was afraid of. its nice for a moment and than immediately sad. are these really dreams? or are they nightmares wrapped in the sweet comfortable blanket so i don't realize until its too late?