the wilderness

Sec two-threeish days, when I discovered My Mad Fat Diary that made clear and light my biggest troubles then. I remember so crystal clear Rae visualising her body being cut into two and crawling out of her own skin into a better body. And that single scene made me cry for days because it explained all the terrible feelings with a simple metaphor.

Then handsome Nico Mirallegro came into the picture and he loved Rae and I started to slip away from the series. It felt too fictional yet I clung on and took slight comfort that an ugly body deserves to be appreciated.

I think some of the fat feels have subsided over time as I grow older and as other trickier feelings replace them. I observe how people gravitate towards certain individuals and how I will never be one of them. And I realise the love I crave from other people will forever be insufficient because I myself, am born insufficient. That the only love that can make me feel whole again has to come from within. The only solution is that I have to learn to love myself so wholly and unwaveringly to make up for my insufficiency in order to ever dream of living well with myself.