Sanditon Troubadour

♫ First, dear Charlotte, ever-dramatizing,

We long for your Mr. Bennet’s role-reprising.

We miss your wit, your annotations, and your walking out-of-frame,

And especially for calling (rightly) Lizzie’s sign-offs lame. ♫

  ♫ Second, sweet Jane, with her well-deserv’ed tea

We offer our sympathies to thee,

Kind sister whose love suddenly departed

And left her tragically broken-hearted. ♫

  ♫ Oh Lydia! How could we dismiss

The author of that really-but-not-really list

Who else could more deserve our praise

Than one with double-jointed résumés? ♫

  ♫ Caroline, we never liked your stuck-up air,

Even in spite of your perfect hair;

Two-faced liar and coffee snob,

And anyway— did you actually even have a job? ♫

  ♫ To Ricky Collins—I mean, Mister

So effectively manipulated by Lizzie’s baby sister,

We’ll give you equal and honest applause—

You weren’t really an evil Santa Claus. ♫

  ♫ Fitz, how we loved your supportive endeavors,

Despite being hailed ‘Worst Wingman Ever’.

Even pardoning your care package fail,

We admire you can’t deny the flail. ♫

  ♫ Poor Mary, how could we forget—

The fabulous moment that we finally met,

When costumetheatre!Lizzie shouted her plight:

“YOU’RE NOT INVITED; YOU CAN’T COME TONIGHT!” ♫

  ♫ Wickham, how dare you take her trust, you thief!

And turn poor Lydia’s love to grief!

You wicked and pernicious leech,

We’ll see to it you eat that ‘Peach’! ♫

  ♫ Hail, Gigi! Plotter of all things illegal

To trap a tiger and an eagle;

In boldness, you really proved yourself to be,

More than just your pedigree. ♫

  ♫ To Bing, to whom, it would be wrong not to add,

“Hey Charlotte!” – you utterly clueless lad.

We’re eternally grateful you came to your senses

And broke down our poor New Jane’s defenses. ♫

  ♫ Mr. Darcy, your torso gave us relapse heart attacks,

Moreso than Wickham’s tanned six-pack.

So you can only imagine how much we died,

When it appeared in those suspenders and bowtie. ♫

  ♫ Dear Lizzie, what can I say?

We miss you more each passing day.

From the first episodes of your Darcy-scorn

To those swoon-worthy moments of tie-porn,

From the hypothetical story of Darvid & Batman,

To your weekend tour of San Fran,

To the touch in 83 that gave us faint—

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE HAD YOU NO RESTRAINT?

Eleven months after the Most Awkward Dance Ever,

We’re so relieved you ended up together. ♫

  ♫ Through the sobbing, smiling, laughter, and cries

And then, at last, the final good-byes,

We thank you for sharing your last year—

We wish you the best for your future career.

We’re proud to call you our heroine, Lizzie.

We’ve never been more delighted to be dizzie.

We hope you’ll come visit Sanditon—please?

To catch some sun and a sea breeze?

And anyway, have no fear—

♫ Citizens of Sanditon, gather ‘round:

Tonight this bard will @SanditonCoffee be found—

So should you find yourself in need of cheer,

♫ Oh, to watch the seagulls fly, 

Drifting like ships' sails across the sky.

Floating gently over the Sound,

Diving and swooping swiftly toward the ground.

Then suddenly, without preamble,

Splat.