thyme

Asking for a friend

Hello Iris! I have no idea how you knew it was my birthday but thank you so much! Do you follow me on other social media? Just curious! It seems like we’ve been buddies for such a long while, I still feel a bit strange not knowing who you are. I hope you’ve been well~ I’ve just been adjusting to post grad life and working! Nothing interest to report on my end hahah. Thank you for always being so kind to me and I sincerely hope to speak with you again soon

Me two days ago: helped my profoundly apraxic and aphasic client say "my name _____" by himself for the first time ever since his stroke. Handed him and his wife tissues so they could wipe their joyous, beautiful tears from their faces.

Good day. My last semester of clinic starts tomorrow; here's to a good one hopefully.

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In the meantime until you check in again, I hope you have a successful and safe move! Take care and I’m sure I’ll talk to you again soon :) 

♡ 

My mother has this uncanny ability to uplift me, to empower me, and then remind me of my objectivity, all in the same breath. I want to ask her why she bothered to raise her daughter to be strong and to rise if she was only going to eventually wrangle her back down into her place. 

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Iris, thank you for such a kind and thoughtful message. (Also, a roller derby league?! That is freakin cool.) I always appreciate when you reach out, and I'm actually just so humbled that you still even check in to begin with; you've been around for years and I still don't know who you are! I think I will eventually be okay once I've graduated from my master's program; it's such a toxic and high stress environment that prolonged breaks turn into times for me to finally unpack and process what happened during the semester. Again, thank you for your concern and for reaching out. You are so, so appreciated. Have a wonderful day and I hope to hear from you again soon!

Starting to realize that I definitely have a problem, and I wonder if it's a self accepted phase that all twenty something year olds go through. Lately, I've barely been leaving my room, much less my bed. The few times I do get up, it's to feed my cat or clean his litter box, get a cup of water, or go to the bathroom. I've barely been eating; the last thing I ate was tofu and rice yesterday at around 2 PM. I'm using sleep as an escape method-- to get away from any hunger pains and to get away from emotions of isolation and desolation. I'm not purposefully avoiding eating to lose weight or anything like that. I love good food and I love eating with my loved ones. But I've come to realize how lonely I am when I have to cook or eat by myself in a quiet and empty apartment with no one to even verbalize with but my cat. It's getting to the point where I would rather avoid meals than to confront this. Yeah, I don't get it either; mental illness makes no damn sense and has no reason or logic. Last week, when I tried to speak to my mother about this, she went on a tirade about how when she was 23, she was raising a child and isolated from her family. She didn't use this opportunity to talk about how at 23, the both of us seemed to struggle with mental illness nor how to work through it. Instead, she used it as an opportunity to tell me what every Asian culture preaches about mental illness: bottle it up, keep it inside, do not burden others with it because you always get what you ask for. Apparently, by moving 6 hours away from my family and childhood friends, I was asking for this. I was heartbroken, to say the least. She was really the only person I opened up to about it, and she effectively told me to never speak to her about it again. What do I even do at this point? Seeking professional, medical help isn't an option. And I don't want to solely rely on my partner; he has enough to deal with and putting my mental illness on his shoulders would be unfair. If any of you have experienced the same thing, what are some coping methods or strategies you have used? Or if none of you read this blog anymore and it's now just a void, hello void, at least something out there is receptive to my thoughts and feelings. I'm forcing myself to leave the apartment for the first time in a few days to get groceries and maybe a nice sandwich to eat. Hopefully going outside will make me feel a little better.