Sam I Am

Actors: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

Director: In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Sound techs: The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

Light techs: No one knows what you're talking about, you idiot!

Stage manager: You ever have those days where something happens and you're like... whatever, this may as well happen?

Assistant stage manager: I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

Stage crew: I am very small, and I have no money. You can imagine the kind of stress I'm under.

Set builders: This is an on-fire garbage can. ...Could be a nursery.

Props department: Because it's the one thing you can't replace.

Costume department: Hi, I'm very gay, and I'd like a few dollars.

Makeup people: I don't look older. I just look worse.

Publicity team: You know how you lie to your parents?

Budget board: Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.