I was fighting my need to take a nap this afternoon until I succumbed and closed my eyes for about a half hour. I know this because I was watching a 3 part documentary and fell asleep during episode 3.

I’m mildly dehydrated… I must get more strict and serious about my daily water intake.

Maybe once I go back to working out I’ll stop clenching my jaw during my sleep like I’ve been doing for the past couple of weeks. It’s really unpleasant!

Here are some small wins of today that I think I should acknowledge:

I home-cooked all of my meals today, so that’s fun and economical. I gained cooking xp and it’s going to benefit me for life.

I washed my hair and bleached my arm hair, so now my arms shimmer in the sun. This counts as an everything shower. Very refreshing.

I made labels for my drawers for organization purposes. Getting ready will only get easier from now on.

I really thought because I’ve always been teased about “eating like a bird” that there was something wrong with me so I’ve been trying to eat larger portions but it’s caused me gastritis!

“Overeating can directly trigger or worsen gastritis by overstretching the stomach and prompting excessive production of gastric acid, which then irritates the stomach lining.”

So this morning instead of putting the entire food pyramid on my plate I had a portion big enough to energize me but not slow me down. Because why should I fall into a food coma after every meal?

I’m just so happy my stomach issue was something I could control and actually enjoy doing as opposed to a bigger underlying health issue.

That’s right we are healing this gut and my skin from the inside.

I had a massage today and I almost cried. I knew that it meant my body was releasing some pent up tension. I didn’t let myself cry, though… I didn’t want to make it awkward. I said “I’ll let the tears out later”. But now that I’m by myself at home the well’s dried up. I think I cried in the car ride home but only a little bit.

I think I need to find another place besides therapy where I can cry in the presence of someone else. Like they do in those wim hof retreats where they do a guided meditation and some people cry, others laugh… I think I could really benefit from someone else witnessing my… hurt? My therapist said I shouldn’t heal alone, after all.

A small win of today was… getting out of the house to work. I notice work doesn’t feel as heavy when I’m in a cafe. The spot I brought my laptop to this morning was at ihop.

I had an omelette and a kiwi for breakfast. For lunch I pan seared a ribeye steak and dressed it in garlic rosemary-infused butter. I also baked a sweet potato and ate half of it on the side.

I was craving something sweet after so I drove to a nearby local bakery. I picked up a slice of tiramisu cake as well as a loaf of whole wheat sourdough bread since I was already there. I kind of wish I’d picked up the whole cake because their tiramisu is S tier.

In the afternoon I tried to purge my closet again to distract myself from this sudden feeling of sadness I got but I was in of in one of those moods where I want to lowkey throw 99% of my things out, so I quit after a few minutes of putting a few items inside of a box. Quit right before I could have an identity crisis.

I’ve been attempting to be more in the moment and I was definitely in an absolute flow state this morning but when I got a little moment of boredom after I got this feeling of… grief and sorrow. I’m sipping on some coconut water just to make sure I’m not dehydrated. The emotional burnout that I have is very palpable sometimes.

All I can do is sit with the feelings and let them pass. I reheated some leftover spaghetti pomodoro and that’s what I had for dinner, even though I would’ve preferred a slice of pizza, I have no more energy to drive to the pizzeria. Maybe I’ll do it later though. I don’t have to restrict myself by any means.

The weather was nice and breezy so other people were out walking too. The path was still sparse enough so that one still could feel somewhat alone at the park.

I’m going to salt my steak, leave it in the fridge and go to bed now.

I also booked a massage for Monday. I’m so excited. Even though my sleep score is like 97% most days, I feel like I still get bad sleep because I tend to clench my duvet and my jaw. It’s not fun when you’ve perfect sleep on paper but really feel like you didn’t rest enough. I’ll allow myself to nap if I need to.

This just goes to show how essential resistance training and sunlight time are in my life. I’m being super cautious because like I’ve said before, I don’t want to disturb the healing process of my wisdom teeth sockets. But… at my young age I should be able to rest a little bit and not suffer from it. Just goes to show how much stress I’ve really been carrying.

The rest of my day was alright. The highlight of my day besides grocerymaxxing was ordering some clothes online. I ordered two pairs of sweatpants from perfectwhitetee and a workout set from aritzia. My discretionary luxury purchases of the month.

I have a physical daily gratitude journal that would help me write 3 things I was grateful for every day but it’s far easier to type. And there’s no damage in posting.

1. I was grateful for my wisdom teeth incision sites not giving me any troubles anymore and the wonders of the human body and how it can heal itself if we nourish it. I’m amazed by how efficient it is. Every day I’m like “here’s some protein, please do your thing”.

2. Grateful for the fresh air that passes through my lungs every second. I’m also grateful that I’m getting older because I’m really witnessing my own metamorphosis.