I don’t have anywhere to post about how things are going so I guess this is it.

I don’t know what I’m doing, and I need to grow the fuck up. I’m 30 and eating the bare minimum yet again because when the going gets tough the only thing I know how to do is lose weight. I can’t stop, and at this rate I’ll be 31 having the same discussion with my new therapist that I’ve had thousands of times.

I am the 70% of people with eating disorders that will never recover. I’m going to stay stuck in the revolving door of recover, then relapse, but really I think I will end up dying from this. I’ve started to accept it. I know I will die.

I’m so sad. I don’t want to be this way anymore, but when I start I don’t know how to stop.

I’m so sad and I’m so tired.

It feels like I just started and now I have to see this through. I have to get to the lowest weight I’ve ever been and then I can stop. I promise I’ll stop after that. I know it’s sick and I know it’s juvenile but it’s the only thing I know how to do right.

Now people look at me and they can’t even tell how much pain I’m in and how much work I put in to show that

cut myself off from drinking, stopped doing coke after doing it everyday for months

I felt powerful in knowing I could stop doing these things

But losing weight is one addiction I can’t seem to Break

Maybe it was just the strongest drug, the other ones always seemed bleak in comparison to the euphoria of losing body mass and gleaming in your prideful self control

I don’t know what it will take

I don’t know how close to death I have to keep coming