to be taken with a grain of salt

we all got that one homie with a job thats weirder than everyone else in the group and when you’re all complaining about customer service he’s like “yeah i hate when they bleed on the chain and it gets all stickyyy” and you’re like huh?? and he just keeps going like “and they always scream when you bring out the rack” and you’re like hey do you work in a medieval dungeon what do you do? “oh i just do maintenance” and dodges the question every time but one time you were driving near his apartment and you saw him getting out of his car and he still had the executioner hood on and he was dragging a morningstar behind him across the pavement and it was making this horrible grinding sound loud as fuckkkkkk

Foreigners should know that American students are actually the smartest in the world, but The School System does not teach them anything. American teachers actually suck the knowledge out of students’ brains dementor style every day. Even after graduating, they cannot learn anything outside of school either because all the books are banned; local libraries and book stores make banned book displays to taunt Americans with forbidden knowledge but, if they touch a banned book, they will spontaneously combust. If someone somehow manages to illegally retain any knowledge, their burger rations are withheld.

someday, in the distant future, humans will once again be capable of hearing the phrase “what is love” without also feeling the primal urge to  respond with “baby don’t hurt me”

So at that point, people will say “baby don’t hurt me”…no more?

I tried to scroll past I really did

beautiful set up, perfect follow-through. great teamwork everyone

To have the highest incarceration per capita rate in the world, Vatican City would need to imprison 13 people.

I have no strong feelings about Hamilton the musical one way or another, but the sentence "I wasn't aware that was something a person could do" is such a perfect way to precisely express the kind of "not judging, just baffled" response people sometimes inspire in me with their antics and activities.

i think theres something deeply and horribly wrong with me *remembers im a tumblr user* i know theres something deeply and horribly wrong with me

it's genuinely bullshit that you should be required to own a mobile phone for participation in literally any aspect of life

This swings all the way back around to corporate-speak.