vivian

its 5 am and i dont have a pan on what to write but felt a need to write abt shit thats been on my mind for literal months now. i started going thru derealization at work today and it was terrifying, i wasnt doing my job properly, started panicking and was terrified and was on the verge of tears for at least 20 minutes. i was in a very vulnerable state and asking everyone around me if i looked okay, to which the responses were "yeah youre fine" and "nothing looks wrong." which, they were right. i stepped outside to take a look at a mirror and i was fine. i wasn't fine, i was nowhere near fine actually. on top of that, i had a nosebleed too. i didn't feel real, nothing really did. i went to another task and felt much much worse, and when i came back to prepare for the next thing, i realized i was gripping things too tightly which doesn't happen unless something is wrong, and i also started feeling weak in my arms. i set aside to put my head down just to clear something up and started to have a breakdown. i still don't know what caused it, nothing was stressful, nothing was really going on outside of how i was feeling but i just started crying nonstop for 10 minutes... i left work early for obvious reasons as the day was also terrible but i still can't wrap my head as to why any of that happened.