vivian

its 5 am and i dont have a pan on what to write but felt a need to write abt shit thats been on my mind for literal months now. i started going thru derealization at work today and it was terrifying, i wasnt doing my job properly, started panicking and was terrified and was on the verge of tears for at least 20 minutes. i was in a very vulnerable state and asking everyone around me if i looked okay, to which the responses were "yeah youre fine" and "nothing looks wrong." which, they were right. i stepped outside to take a look at a mirror and i was fine. i wasn't fine, i was nowhere near fine actually. on top of that, i had a nosebleed too. i didn't feel real, nothing really did. i went to another task and felt much much worse, and when i came back to prepare for the next thing, i realized i was gripping things too tightly which doesn't happen unless something is wrong, and i also started feeling weak in my arms. i set aside to put my head down just to clear something up and started to have a breakdown. i still don't know what caused it, nothing was stressful, nothing was really going on outside of how i was feeling but i just started crying nonstop for 10 minutes... i left work early for obvious reasons as the day was also terrible but i still can't wrap my head as to why any of that happened.

i dropped out of college recently, decided it wasnt the best fit for me and just a complete waste of my time. i dont regret it because i finally have some level of freedom and i was planning on it anyways, but having it like this is a little bit better. i feel like i actually have time to do the things i actually want to do which is nice. my only worries are my rent and the things i like which is such a nice thing to have after having to deal with... everything.

i wish i could stop thinking for 5 minutes because i feel i would benefit from it greatly. just float around in subconscious for a few minutes and not really have to worry about anything or feel real. i wish i could... not disassociate but just not.... be present? i dont know. its hard to explain. i have so much built up rage recently and it feels so crippling because it bleeds into every aspect of my life and it prevents me from being happy properly which is my biggest problem, it keeps me up from night because im so angry at something dumb and cant help but laser in on it. its boring as hell. i need to watch anime more or something.