🦇pissing on today🦇

resurrected dead wife watching her own montage: wow I looked so hot in that

*explodes into a shower of gore and when the red mist clears i'm completely fine but wearing a different outfit*

hello everyone. my name is harrowhark nonagesimus welcome to my meal. i have never cooked before but god asked me to try because he wants us all to eat & exist in union <3 of course i will oblige him because i harrowhark nonagesimus am the most devout worshipper of the locked tomb and the king undying. first up on the menu is soup. i hate flavours so i didn’t put any salt or anything. but don’t worry i put something better :) haha you guessed it! i sectioned my tibia and put it in the soup :) yeah :) so i can explode people :)

#goodforher #harrowharkcandonowrong

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Fuuuuck dude I got drunk last night and tried to take down the villain on my own and now he’s texting me some ‘I’m the only one allowed to defeat you’ shit bro what do I do

Man he just yelled ‘I want him alive’ to his goons, it’s so over.

the reason that wounds that break the skin hurt is because its always supposed to be dark inside your body and when your blood sees sunlight for the first time it gets scared. and that causes the pain. or maybe it doesnt

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

affirmations they will not kill me at work today. it is not in my job description to get killed. if they did kill me at work that would be weird and probably not worth it for them

Putting the term "Catholic guilt" on a high shelf where fandom can't reach it until everyone learns how to identify characters who are very very clearly coded as Protestant.

*introducing myself to the guards who caught me* seized to meet you

humiliating to be attracted to a conventionally attractive person. I thought I was a more sensitive and refined pervert than this