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Hello all! This is some info and some warnings about my blog.

♱ You can call me Lyka, Dove, or any pet name/nickname.

♱ At the moment, I am feeling more comfort in my masculine side. He/him preferred until stated otherwise. This is always subject to change, as I am always evolving.

♱ I'm 31. (terrifying)

♱ My interests very greatly, though I would say that the majority of my aesthetic affinities are for things angelic/religious, off-putting/unsettling, a little weird and offbeat.

♱ I love all kinds of music, learning about art and different cultures, role-playing with friends and creating worlds and characters, I enjoy creating art when I can, I like watching anime (I'm very picky about it though), I am very passively learning French, and work full time in a very, very, very demanding job.

♱ My favorite colors are pastels, pinks, purples, jewel tones, rose gold, and yellow gold (although I look best in silver).

♱ I am learning to manage my OCD and other comorbidities through therapy. I am going through ERP now so some of my posts may be about that.

♱ Some of the posts I make may be triggering on different levels for different people. This is my blog, and I will post what I want to post and will tag as I see fit. If you don't like what I post, please feel free to block me. I will block freely as well. I come here to express myself, find inspiration, and maybe someday find friends.

I'm back! After a long unintentional hiatus, I am back! [The crowd cheers. I'm thrown a bouquet onto my stage. Someone has popped a bottle of champagne.] I know, I know. Ahh, how I've missed this journal.

My last post said something along the lines of "come hell or high water, I will draw", right? I woke up with the flu the next day. I've been sick since. I'm steadily getting better but I still have a terrible nagging cough...I can feel the junk in my chest moving when I breathe. It's one of the most frustrating things I've experienced in a long time. My birthday passed. It was very difficult to go through whilst sick. I went to therapy that day and spent the majority of it crying my eyes out. The depression and self loathing have been really hard. She reminded me that people with OCD tend to ruminate or think about things that they feel the opposite about. For example, I feel that I've harmed people in some way, but am so evil and messed up that I convinced myself I haven't done anything...but I've gravely injured someone. Harming people is something I'm scared of, and not something that I want to do at all ever! So, my brain will make me think these terrible things because it's ill. I feel the opposite though. My brain tells me I'm a terrible and disgusting human to harm me...but I know I'm the opposite of these bad things. I'm a good person. I actively try to be a good person. My brain is just sick and I have to fight these bad thoughts. I want to love myself...so I need to tell myself good things to combat the bad. Framing it that way helped me understand why I've always thought such terrible things about myself. It's hard countering these thoughts though, when you've lived with them your whole life. She told me to imagine my child self. I had to imagine a picture of me as a kid. She told me to describe it, in as much detail as possible...and then to say those harmful things to myself. I couldn't. I didn't want to. Little me was already hurting then...why would I add more pain? What a malicious thing to do. "That you is still in your heart. You don't want to talk to them that way...do you think they'd want you to talk to yourself that way?" Even thinking about it now, I'm crying. What a sticky, dark, and poisonous illness this is.