I mean I am still putting all kinds of terrible shit into my body to cope. Although I’m tying to wean off processed sugar and carbs for a while.

Don’t let that teacher take advantage of you. He seems cool and supportive of you, but he is a creep and manipulative. He does not give constructive criticism, he projects his own insecurities and hangups.

Find a way to stay involved with Tennis even through the end of Senior year despite your commitments to the Drama Club and One-Act Play. If you aren’t able to do this, at least try to avoid having a falling out with Coach Johnson, you’ll miss that relationship. And don’t take too many breaks from playing tennis regularly. It will always be a healthy and fun outlet, embrace it.

Start preparing for college NOW. You’re already behind at this point. You do okay in school without trying very hard but college is worth striving and trying for. Don’t worry about what college or what major yet. That will sort it self out in time, but don’t wait for it to all fall in place. It will be so much harder the longer you wait.

Ask out more of the girls you like. You’ll be surprised by how many of them are interested in you, and while none of them are likely to be great loves. It’s better than doing nothing and being left with regret and memories of loneliness. And it’s not the end of the world when someone says no. You already understand that well enough. Just do it.

Go on that family vacation in summer of ‘99. You missed out on so much quality time with your family, some of whom won’t be around for much longer. And living vicariously through the stories and wonderful memories they have of that time is not the same.

Be there for Travis even more than you already are. Be his friend and brother. Stay involved and don’t let yourself get too estranged. You might not be able to change the tragedy yet to come, but you can try. Just be there as much as possible. And don’t underestimate that the good work you do for yourself can be an inspiration to him. Don’t shy away from that, from bringing him into that world with you or encouraging him toward his own.

If you stay in Austin or Texas in general for college, move away immediately after graduating. Several of the most important people of your life you will meet between the ages of 18 and 21. But you can venture out to NYC, Chicago, or somewhere else for five or six years. Just consider coming back to Central Texas by the time your twenties wind down for the next big & great things coming in your life.

The first time you see her and she sees you, she will be instantly smitten with you, but you don’t actually meet then. Change that. Introduce yourself. Start falling in love with each other a year and half earlier. You’ll be so much happier to have the extra time. It might not change how things end up in the long run, but you won’t regret having any extra time with her.

Tell her everything. Don’t hold back any part of yourself or your story. You can trust her and she will accept you. Forgive yourself and embrace the light in yourself, so you can fully embrace the light she brings into your life and so you can be a light for her when she needs it.

If you get married: Don’t fret over the small details. Make absolutely sure that the photographer understands you don’t want to spend much time taking a million variations of family and wedding party grouping photos taking away precious time from the reception. Don’t put off the honeymoon. Save up for it, schedule it, and go.

Stay on your meds, stay in therapy. Don’t stop working on yourself. Do the work. Never stop.

Be bold and confident in yourself. In life, love, and with your career. Nothing will ever go as planned. Failure will be rampant, but not forever.

Don’t get trapped by your sense of duty. Your loved ones are far from perfect, but your support and self-sacrifice isn’t going to heal you or make anyone else happy. Being there for each other is a two-way street.

Stay up late (even by my standards) last night and slept in this morning, missing a work call for set construction for the play I am currently in rehearsals for. Even if I had not slept in, I imagine I would have skipped the work call because I awoke with searing right shoulder pain that radiated up my neck and down my back. 

I toss and turn all night, even during a good night’s rest, so it is not uncommon to wedge myself into an odd position and awake with some aches or discomfort. But it usually goes away in a few hours and after some OTC ibuprofen. That did not work today. I was an easy 8 on the pain scale (10 point pain scale used commonly at Doctor’s offices). And that is saying something because I have a high threshold for pain. 

My mom gave me a tramadol, which she is prescribed for chronic pain after a severe broken leg and knee replacement from years before. She also insisted I put some peppermint oil on the pained area because she is into that essential oil stuff. I’ve tried it before, hasn’t done much for me but I say to each their own. 

I dragged myself to the theatre by early afternoon because I was helping run auditions for this summer’s children’s show “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. I am assistant directing and playing the role of Dopey (trust me the irony is not lost on me) as the sole adult playing a dwarf character for added comedic effect. My mentor john does his auditions differently. It’s all theatre games and improv. Focuses on the ensemble and spirit of collaboration. 

He then builds the show and writes the scrip tailored to his cast. It went well today, had fun getting to play around even with the pain. I also found out that the coming season of the Playhouse is likely going to include Tom Stoppard’s classic “Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead” and I would be playing one of the two leads if I am available. Very excited about that notion, as it is a great play and I’ve never done any Stoppard before outside of some scene work in school. I harbor a desire to direct his adaptation of Chekhov’s “The Seagull”.

As in “Do I have a sudden urge to die, or is it something I desire?” Leaning toward urge. Another way of saying it could be: “I wish I were dead right now.” Tomorrow I will probably feel differently but being triggered in a major way right now.