CAM DONT PLAY

‘Fuck you’ doesn’t even do it justice because I don’t even mean it the right way. Not ‘I hate you’ but ‘we used to be as closer than close’ which only matters something to me because I held on too long, again

And that couldn’t be enough for you. Should’ve known because, my greatest regret is never the thing I did say, but always all the things I didn’t.

I got hit on by an influencer at the bar. Not even just once but a few times. she circled back. I’m not sure I’ve ever been circled back on. And I’m not sure what she saw. Somebody called me gorgeous last week. It took me a second to realize they were serious. Then half a second to reflexively dismiss the thought that the last person who called me that was my ex. Then another second contemplating if I was having a stroke. I’ve gained 10 pounds in the last month. I workout before work on 5 hours of sleep. I don’t think that’s why though, usually results take 2-3 months to be noticeable, from what i’ve read. I don’t think it’s the weight of authority. I really have none as much as the additional pa’s say otherwise. It can’t be that I miss you, I never stopped missing you. Maybe there’s no reason, and this too shall pass.

the best part about doing something dumb is spiraling afterwards. Of course I know better. Of course I know it was dumb. Of course I shouldn’t have. And yet everything I am is everything I was is everything I’ll ever be, and trying to change that is an even worse mistake than the accidents that happen on purpose.