aura

now you're being manipulative

still being manipulative

im done here

-you're being sensitive

I’ve realized that a lot of the friendships and relationships I’ve considered acceptable were filtered through a mindset of, “I can handle it.”

For example, I might meet someone who is kind and enjoyable to be around, but they frequently go out partying. My response would be, “I can handle that.” Or I meet someone whose partner raises red flags, and I think, “I can handle it. That relationship is probably temporary.” Maybe someone’s sense of humor crosses lines that make me uncomfortable, and again the response becomes, “I can handle it.”

What I’ve started noticing is that many unhealthy relationships are built on this exact logic. People focus on what they can tolerate rather than what they actually want.

Yes, I can handle someone disappearing for a few days without communicating. But that’s not my preference. I can handle someone not laughing at my jokes. But my preference is to be around people who naturally share my sense of humor. I can handle someone coming from a chaotic family system with weak boundaries. But I don’t necessarily want to spend my life navigating the consequences of that chaos.

The question is no longer, “Can I handle this?” The question is, “Do I want this?”

Those are very different standards.

When I focus only on what I can tolerate, I end up accepting situations that require constant adaptation and management. When I focus on my preferences, I start evaluating whether a relationship naturally aligns with the kind of life and connections I want to build.

A lot of people don’t recognize unhealthy dynamics because they frame the situation as:

“They’re struggling.”

“They’re wounded.”

“They just need time.”

“If I explain it better, maybe they’ll understand.”

“Once they heal, we can finally be happy.”

“ Once they see how unnecessary their behavior is…”

"It's their childhood trauma."

So instead of experiencing the relationship as harmful, you experience it as waiting. Waiting for emotional maturity. Waiting for accountability. Waiting for honesty. Waiting for consistency. Waiting for basic reciprocity. Waiting for better moral judgement.

You do not have to emotionally sponsor someone’s growth in order to deserve connection.

You can simply choose people who already know how to meet you halfway and have no issue initiating that dynamic .

wasian -dink

asexual

quiet stays out the way- super affectionate when i want

friends - sinks

daytrading

bring in $100k in payout/profits every month

living in my own house

reminder if you feel anger/ sadness/ disgust/curiosity/ joy etc with someone who is no longer in your life , it doesn't mean you have unresolved feeling for them or that you want :

when they were a present part in your life you had multiple feeling about them, sometimes you were sad, other times happy and other times angry.

and your memories reflect that pattern

They will show you moments that read as happy, sad, angry , curious etc because you had multiple reactions to that person/people

a common misconception that people have is that once someone is out of your life your feeling towards them will stay the same: if you left them feeling angry you'll always be angry at them or if you left them feeling love or compassion, you'll always have compassion/love for them. This is not true

but a truth that some people don't talk about is that your feelings for them will shift. Its not always in a dramatic way but you'll have moment where you feel joy, pride, compassion ,anger etc for the person

My Advice:

feel the feeling but don't make a story out off it. Your relationship with someone can be multidimensional but remember :you left them for a reason. Choosing too be in a relationship because your feelings about them changed is not the move and can lead to unhealthy dynamics