Just a Wandering Ghost

I wish I could walk

You don’t really care you just don’t want me to be mad anymore lol

Family members are texting me more than usual. Friends I barely speak to reaching out. Niggas I’m not involved with anymore trying to talk to me. Number of stalkers went up. Wish I was as invisible as I feel.

I don’t want to think or feel or even exist. I want to disappear completely with no trace. Not even a memory.

Something in my head snapped. I’m not myself at all.

“I know what you’re trying to do” then please enlighten me nigga because it’s definitely not you

Your friends know me better than you do

Your priorities are elsewhere, so why bother? Come find me when you’re ready to be present.

I hate an “if you want” ass person

I really need to be held soon or I’m just gonna drink bleach. I’ve already exhausted all efforts. I’m done with this life shit fr. Got some shit I gotta take care of, then I’m out.

I wish I was dead lol

I don’t want to feel like a burden or an obligation. I don’t want to feel like an object. I want to feel like people want to be in my life. Not that people need to or feel they have to, but that they genuinely want to be here. I want to feel lovable. I want to feel like I matter as a real person. As long as I feel rejected, I am incapable of feeling those things from anyone. That’s just how it is until it isn’t. I don’t know how else to explain it, and even if I could explain it better, I don’t think anyone would get it.

I have something I need to express, but I don’t want it to fall on deaf ears, and I know it will. Nobody will understand, and I just gotta live with it.

I want a hug. A really good hug. The thing is I wanna do something really self destructive that I know is gonna make me feel worse in the long run, but would feel so good right now, and I’m trying to talk myself out of it. A hug would stop me. The right hug would keep me from being stupider than I already am. But I don’t have anyone to hug so the stupid is winning.

I’m not the most comforting person. Tell me what you need, and I’ll do it. I’ll listen, but I always ruin it by trying to make them laugh or asking too many questions. I didn’t get that comforting gene. I was never comforted. I can’t even self soothe. I know how to buy things, and I know how to distract myself, but those are temporary solutions, and they’re not the most effective. I’m afraid I’ll be a bad mother if I ever have kids because I just can’t console effectively. I think I want to be a mom, but I’d probably just fuck that up too, so that might not be in the cards. Maybe I’ve been watching too much 30 Rock.