THE JOB THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.

it's been a long time since i did anything like this.

be honest with me.

i have something to tell you.

do you have a second to talk?

i've never said it outloud.

you shouldn't feel ashamed.

you are destined for greater things.

i don't remember anything about my parents.

i think i deserve the truth.

how long have you known?

i can't believe i trusted you.

you should have told me from the start.

i won't judge you, no matter what you say.

i'm not sure how to do this.

i owe you an explanation.

you don't have to hide this any longer.

when was the last time someone held you?

i've never been kissed.

i've been alone all my life.

this feels weird to me.

it will feel better if you tell me.

you are the only one who can save us.

you should know the truth.

i'm not ready to do this.

no one's ever really loved me.

i was kept in the dark all my life.

i don't know what love feels like.

tell me the truth. it's okay.

take your time with this. it must be very hard on you.

my parents died when i was very young.

i should tell you the truth.

there's no shame in this.

i can't believe i never knew.

i'm sorry, but i don't believe you.

i can't do this.

are you sitting down?

you are the chosen one.

it's safer if you never know the truth.

this never should have happened.

i regret everything.

i've never been with anyone before.

there's something i should have told you a long time ago.

i'm afraid of heights.

they thought you'd be better off not knowing.

you should have told me.

you were hiding this from me?

don't laugh when i tell you, all right? promise?

you've been kept in the dark for far too long.

you're the first person i've told.

so? what do you think?

maybe it was silly to hide that.

i didn't feel comfortable telling you.

they deserve to know.

what happens now?

you'll want to sit down for this.

you will save us from this evil.

i should have listened to you.

you'll have to teach me. i'm new to this.

i don't have much experience.

they didn't want you to know.

i never knew them.

i don't even know my own name.

everything you've been told is a lie.

i'm not ready for that.

will it always be like this?

i've been hiding this from you.

i didn't want you to know.

i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me.

people say friends don’t destroy one another. what do they know about friends?

woke up afraid of my own shadow. like genuinely afraid.

headed for the pawnshop to buy myself a switchblade.

i feel guilty but i can’t feel ashamed.

it’s okay to find the faith to saunter forward.

lord send me a mechanic if i’m not beyond repair.

there’s bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet no matter where you live.

there’s gonna come a day when you feel better.

i’m gonna bribe the officials, i’m gonna kill all the judges.

it’s gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage.

our friends say it’s darkest before the sun rises, we’re pretty sure they’re all wrong.

i hope when you think of me years down the line you can’t find one good thing to say.

i hope that if i found the strength to walk out you’d stay the hell out of my way.

i am drowning, there is no sign of land.

you are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand.

i hope you die. i hope we both die.

cling to my convictions even when i get hurt.

but i’ve tried the losing side, i don’t wanna die in here.

you found my breaking point. congratulations.

spent too much of my life now trying to play fair.

i’m walking out of here in one piece, don’t care what comes after.

do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive.

some things you do just to see how bad they’ll make you feel.

some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes.

mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get.

a tiger’s never going to change its stripes.

too long i’ve let my self respect stand in my way.

you can stand up, you can run. you and i both know what you’ve done.

i will carry you home in my teeth.

spat out my morning prayers. desperate pleas and vicious lies.

there are no pan-asian supermarkets down in hell.

feast when you can, and dream when there's nothing to feast on.

the most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again.

i am not this body that imprisons me.

look hard at my stripes, there’ll be no more after me.

sing for the damage we’ve done and the worse things that we’ll do.

i know you’d kill me if you could stand the sight of blood.

i can see the future, it’s a real dark place.

i’m doing this for revenge.

john rambo never went to vietnam.

i am healthy, i am whole. but i have poor impulse control.

i wanna go home, but i am home.

i’m going to get my perfect body back someday.

if not by faith then by the sword i’m going to be restored.

and i can't think of one thing in this whole wide blessed world that's more dangerous and frightening than you when you get bored.

i am coming home to you with my own blood in my mouth.

i am coming home to you if it’s the last thing that i do.

you’re the last best thing i’ve got going.

so i follow you down your twisting alleyways, find a few cul-de-sacs of my own.

there’s only one place this road ever ends up and i don’t wanna die alone.

wake up sixty minutes after my head hits the pillow. i can’t live like this.

believe in your heart and confess with your lips. surely you will be saved one day.

wait as long as i have to for good news.

a kind and loving god won’t let my small ship run aground.

no one hopes to hear the bagman call.

no friends closer than the ones we lost.

no greater love than to lay my life down for a friend.

look high: it’s my last hope!

i need justice in my life, here it comes.

i’ve been told it’s real sweet to grow old.

i don’t mean it when i tell you “i don’t love you anymore”.

what’ll i do when i don’t have you? when i finally get what i deserve?

you can’t give me back what you’ve taken. but you can give me something that’s almost as good.

look at the person i’ve turned into. tell me, how do you like him now?

i am right where you want me. do what you brought me out here for.

you can arm me to the teeth, you can’t make me go to war.

i’m under no illusion as to what i meant to you.

it's the first time robby's been to my place. my ridiculously bland place. i'd moved in a couple months ago, tanner and haley have even been here a few times but the only real sign of life was dixie sleeping soundly in her bed positioned at the corner of the living room. i was fucking nervous for some reason. things were still a bit ... tense from time to time since i'd been allowed to reenter the pitt. i was talking to my therapist about that too. the asshole encouraged me to talk to robby more, invite him over. and now he's sitting on a bar stool in my tiny kitchen, silence hanging between us as i focus on the task at hand. once the carafe is full i pour one mug for him and one for me. i slide his mug towards him across the counter, and robby decides to break the silence.

robby ( @s1syphushappy ) said : yeah, this guy i dated back in medical school was really into his coffee. had a whole routine, like you do.

i'm happy i hadn't taken a sip of coffee yet, because i'm pretty sure i would've choked on it. instead i choke on some air, an awkward cough coming out of my lips as i look at robby with raised brows and wide eyes. "you ... huh?" okay, right, get your shit together frank. robby had dated a guy back in med school, that's super normal and does not warrant this kind of a response. but i'm still stuttering over my words a little, eyes focused on him as i try my best to read his expression. he sounds so fucking casual about it.

"i think the right word would be bisexual, but yeah, i am... into dudes." there's a hint of a laugh as i finally bring the drink to my lips. and the thing is, it's good coffee. it's in an entirely different solar system from the half burnt stuff we have at work, but... well, this just isn't quite as nostalgic as that.

but holy fuck it's good coffee.