Thoughts From Ryea-Land

What if the reason people die is due to lack of sex. I mean pretty much everyone stops having it or waits to long and never has it.... so many we all have like a countdown clock of time we can spend not having sex and once that time is up.... we die.

What if the reason people die is due to lack of sex. I mean pretty much everyone stops having it or waits to long and never has it.... so many we all have like a countdown clock of time we can spend not having sex and once that time is up.... we die.

What if the reason everyone dies is due to lack of sex.... I mean everyone who died either stopped having sex for x period of time.... or waited to long to have it at all..... so like everyone has a clock of life they are aloud to spend not having sex and when its up we die........

Okay so its been a really long time since I've posted anything up on here.  And man has a lot changed in that time.  One of the main things though is that I'm now engaged.  And its very, very exciting but also a little bitt scary.  Its scary mostly because of all of the shit my mom's pulling right now.  And its just, its like she still wants me to be a little middle schooler even though I'm now 21 years old and y,trying to be a responsible adult.  She's making it difficult though.  I'm sorry, but, yes my mother is making it almost impossibke for me to be mature and grown up. Even though I'm definitely being the mature one here.  I just am.  But nothing I can say or do will make her see that.  And its just frustrating.  I'm trying to act responsible and pull myself together before I get married next year and she's making this really, really, really difficult.  And I'm just really tired of her bullshit.  So.  Yeah.  Basically this is just me saying I'm still here.

Ugh……  Sometimes I feel like a fail.  Whether it’s because I forget to eat when I’m trying to always eat at least once a day, or because I eat when I don’t really want to.  Or because of something else.  This time it’s because of my seemingly inability to focus on school stuff right now and just, ugh.  It sucks.  I hate this.  I have a research paper that’s due in like 7/8 hours and I’ve barely started on it.  And then I also have extra credit in my gov’t class that I said I was going to do that I’ll still need to do.  And just, ugh.  I hate when I get like this, just no motivation to do much of anything for school, yet I still want to be a good student and get good grades, but since I have no motivation to do much for school…….  Yeah.  Ugh.  I also seem to be slipping back into ED habits and such without realizing it, or something like that, since I’m losing weight and dropping sizes, and I don’t…..  I shouldn’t want that anymore.  But just, I have no idea.  Whatever.  I just have to hang in here till the semester’s over and then its summer.  And summer equals job at summer camp as a counselor and more time for painting and piano and projects.  And writing.  Yeah.  More time for me.  But, ugh, I really should go back to research paper now……

I just thought I’d say why I consider myself to be fighting with my anorexia.  :)  I have in fact embraced anorexia at one point in time (for about a year) and then people started catching on, well, at least, they started noticing the fact that I didn’t really eat.  They started forcing me to eat and [thankfully] I’ve never been able to make myself vomit.  (Yes, I have tried lots of times, I was never successful, so I just ran instead.  The running cleared my head from that and also they were calorie burning benefits.) Anyway, they started forcing me to eat, so after awhile I got better.  I guess, it still loomed in the back of my head though every time I ate the fatty, calorie loaded, cheese covered dorm food.   Then my boyfriend at that time said that, “I never would’ve forced you to eat if I’d realized that that would’ve made you get fat.”  NO DUH SHERLOCK.  I’d been eating less than 500 calories a day for a good 3/4 months, quite possibly longer than that, I’d only been actively counting calories for 3/4 months at that time.  When you go from eating that few calories to 2000 calories a day, yeah, you’re going to gain, you have to actually gradually increase the calories if you want to start eating more without gaining a lot.  You’ll still gain, but not as much.  Anyway, that, of course, triggered me again.  After I got triggered that time, I went back and forth between anorexia and bulimia.  I’m so scared of my parents and great grandmother finding out I have an eating disorder because I’m scared of their reaction.  I’m scared they’d just laugh it off, or even worse, encourage it.  I say that because of comments and things that I’ve heard from them my entire life.  Those comments I HAVE to site as one of the reasons I even developed an eating disorder in the first place.  Anyway, I’m at the point now where I’m just sick and tired of calories being in my head what feels like 24/7 and not being able to see myself as skinny even though I know I am, I just don’t feel like it, and I just can’t see it.  Yet, I know I am.  How messed up is that?  I’m trying to get better, but to be honest, sometimes embracing it seems so much easier.  Especially after I’ve let myself have a treat that’s like a cupcake or something and I have to forcibly think of something other than the calories in the cupcake and the calories I’ve already eaten that day.  I HATE actually eating something more than fruit for breakfast and almost breaking down because I’m furious with myself for being so weak that I have to eat breakfast, but at the same time I’m furious with myself for getting furious over actually having breakfast.  It’s confusing, it’s frustrating and I hate it.  I also hate how the scale controls my feelings so much.  It dictates whether or not I’m happy or not all based on what number it shows.  It’s stupid and ridiculous and I HATE IT; luckily though I’m getting much, much, much, much better about not weighing myself.  The scale is very tempting though, very tempting.  My boyfriend has said that he will duck tape it so I can’t see the numbers if I give into the temptation that it is anymore.  He’s actually been really good about it.  I don’t think he totally understands my eating disorder, but he is worried about it (and he’s soooo cute when he worries over me.  At least, I find it cute.  But, really, it is.).  He knows there’s not that much he can do about it as of right now, right now he’s just happy that I am eating and I’m not restricting as much as I could be.  I still restrict somewhat.  I’m just trying to get calories out of my head right now, so I’m just eating dinner right now and trying not to think about the calories.  Once I’m successful with that I’ll add breakfast in.  But, all of that are why I do consider myself to be fighting with my eating disorder.