Ryan the Nerdy Goober

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“The Time of the Bright Eyes”

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Tasha Lem: I think a regeneration is happening!

Clara: Blah, blah, new face blah!

Eleven: Blah, blah, blah, vanity issues blah.

Clara: Blah, blah, blah?!

Eleven: Blah…

Tasha Lem: Oops, my mistake.

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“Dork Water”

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Clara: Hey, innocent bystander. Thanks for pashing out my friend.

Twelve: May I just interject so that I can say hummina-hummina-hummina!

Missy: Silence, pawns! I... I mean, you're welcome.

Missy’s brain: (Excellent, my vaguely evil plan is going perfectly…)

Clara: You seem like a swell dame. What's your name, ma’am?

Missy’s brain: (Crap in a bucket! I didn't plan for this! Thinkofafakename, thinkofafakename…)

Missy: Um, my name is uh, ummmmm… M.I.S.I..

Clara: M.I.S.I., huh? That sounds kinda like Missy, the woman who’s setting us up in this season.

Missy: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Twelve: Hummina-hummina-hummina!

Missy: I also get that a lot.

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“The Power of the Steves”

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Doctor: Finally, the bonkers Flux arc is over! Now we can get back to what makes this show so awesome: bonkers villain logic!

Master: Doctor, could I use your body for a moment? I have to go to Akhaten!

Doctor: Come on, Koschei… last time I gave you permission to use my body, you gave yourself a wedgie and then immediately switched back.

Master: This time, I am serious.

Doctor: Oh, really?

Master: Is this not the face of a man who seriously needs to go to Peladon?

Doctor: You just said it was Akhaten!

Master: Now it's Traken.

Doctor: How the hell can you go to Traken?

Master: I don't know, but I have to go there.

Doctor: It’s not even a thing!

Master: GIVE ME YOUR BODY!

Dalek: Look guys, Grigori’s arguing with his on-again-off-again girlfriend again!

Cyber: I have one of those too! I call him “Borusa”.

“Are you okay? Come here…”

“No, no, stay down. I’ll handle it.”

“Where were you? I was worried sick.”

“I made you some soup and tea…”

“Ssh… It’s okay…”

“You’ll freeze to death in that. Come, I have a change of clothes for you.”

“You look pale. When’s the last time you ate?”

“The ground doesn’t look very comfortable. Come on, put your head in my lap.”

“You’re freezing. Take my jacket.”

“Stay down, you idiot. You’re done for the day.”

“I got you.”

“Come on, let’s get you in bed.”

“What happened to you? You’re dripping! Did you not dress for the rain?”

“I got you flowers to aid in your recovery.”

“You look good like this. All careless and comfy…”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Villager #1: “Oh, we know it was you.”

Villager #2: “And we don’t mind nuthin’.”

Me: “Wait… what?”

Villager #1: “Y’see, we all had mighty wicked insomnia ever since that whatsit tycoon set up a branch o’ his business empire here.”

Villager #3: “Kept up all night, erry night, by SOME honkamajig or ‘nother…”

Villager #2: “An’ those DAGNABBLE protest marches erry other day (excludin’ the third Sunday o’ the month, for obvious reasons)…”

Villager #1: “Why, y’all a-been providin’ an indirect public service!”

Me: “I… alright then… assuming it WAS me (which I’m not saying is true)—

Villager #3: “Oh, we KNOW it’s you.”

Me: “Prove it.”

Villager #3: “Well, Lil’ Ricky found a bunch o’ can’sters labeled ‘SEVO’ in that big ol’ rucksack o’ yers.”

Villager #2: “An’ Ol’ Man Jenkerson knew what that stuff is, on account o’ him bein’ a medic in th’ war.”

Me: “Which war…?”

Villager #2: “Does it matter?! ALL wars is the same, ain’t it?”

Me: “Actually, it kinda does in this case…”

Villager #1: “Look, the point is that we don’t mind y’all been robbin’ us in our sleep. Heck, we’d pay ya TO put us ta sleep!”

Villager #4: “Not me!”

Villager #2: “Not all o’ us c’n sleep like a babe through Hurricane La-a, CARL!”

Villager #1: “Y’all should give up yer life o’ crime an’ open a cozy lil’ sleep clinic right ‘ere in town.”

Villager #5: “Better yet, open ‘em up ‘cross the county. Betcha the folks down in Caffendon’ll thank ya!”

Villager #3: “Or hwhat’s LEFT o’ Caffendon, anyhow…”

Villager #5: “Right? Dangblastit tycoon, rippin’ up erry square inch o’ dirt ‘e lays ‘is eyes an’ claim on…”

Villager #1: “With all charges dropped, o’ course.”

Me: “And the alternative?”

Sheriff: “Death penalty.”

Me: “RIGHT THEN, let’s start planning, eheheh… heh…”

Mayor: “Ooh, could y’all do me a HUGE favor, Mr. Gazman?”

Me: “Not my name, but okay…?”

Mayor: “Think y’all can rob that no-good mogul in HIS sleep?”

Erryone: (Laughs)

Mayor: “No, I’m serious. Blasthole had it comin’.”

Me: “Uh…?” (Looks at sheriff)

Sheriff: “I ain’t seen nor heard nothin’.”

Then again, I’m one to talk, aren’t I?

Doctor: “Hello, Ryan.”

Me: “Uh… is this the On… tology Department?”

Doctor: “It is. And you’re right on time.”

Me: “But… m-my appointment’s not for another quarter-of-an-hour…?”

Doctor: “16 minutes, to be precise. And yet this is when I expected your arrival.”

Me: “3:14pm?”

Doctor: “Indeed.”

Me: “Wh…?”

Doctor: “You’re going to take a little trip.”

Me: “Where, when to? I-I mean-

Doctor: “No-no, that’s a fair question.”

Me: “But I… mixed up my wording…?”

This was when the pieces started to line up…

Doctor: “As did I, because I should’ve said, ‘you’re going to have taken a little trip,’ but conventional grammar is tricky to apply to scenarios like this.”

Aaand cue the gut butterflies…

Doctor: “Where? North America. When to…?”

Aaaaand cue the wild speculation…

Doctor: “‘How many seconds in eternity?’”

Make that wild confirmation…

Me: “But that means… you’re me.”

Doctor: “Y’know, it’s funny, because I was just thinking the same about you…”

I figured this could happen one of these days… but I also have a vivid sense of imagination, an unusually advanced understanding of physics, and a mind so out-of-the box that it’s practically Schrödingerian… or perhaps Jungian…

Doctor: “And it only gets Jung-er from here…”

Me: “Was… that a pun?”

Doctor: “Why yes, it will indeed be a pun.”

Me: “Wait… so you really are younger?”

Doctor: “Eh… it’s a bit complicated to explain…”

Me: “Dude… come on.”

Doctor: “…you’ve worked it all out, haven’t you?”

Me: “Dude… come on.”

Doctor: “Alright, fine… let’s just get on with it.”

Me: “Wait… didn’t you know that I knew that-

Doctor: “Dude… come on.”

Me: “Wow… do we always sound like that?”

Doctor: “Actually, yes. Well… the lisp is recent.”

Me: “Mine or yours?”

Doctor: “Yeeesssss…”

Me: “Well, that’s just prime…”

Doctor: “Oh, I’m about to be.”

Me: “Say what?”

Doctor: “You’re about to start travelling back to the past; therefore, I’ll be the only instance of… “us” moving forward from that point.”

Me: “Ah, yes… ‘Ryan Prime’…”

Doctor: “Exactly.”

Me: “I always wondered what that meant…”

Doctor: “You did…?”

Me: “Well, not always, but… long enough for it to live rent-free in my mind, along with other key words and phrases, most of ‘em names of places I’ve never been… though I suspect you have?”

Doctor: “Maaayyyyybe…”

Me: “Spoilers?”

Doctor: “…”

Me: “…”

Doctor: “‘Hello, sweetie.’”

That little… Dalek…

Me: “Point made.”

Doctor: “Now, off you pop.”

Me: “How? Is a Weeping Angel gonna touch me?”

Doctor: “Of course not, they’re fiction, friction, fiction, fixing, mixing, Rickston, Brixton-

Me: “Y… I get the idea.”

Doctor: “In fact, you thunk up the mode of travel.”

Me: “I did…? But… no frickin’ way…?!”