Ryan the Nerdy Goober

Everyone is so beautiful and hot ;-; like y'all call yourself ugly yet have the prettiest hair clips out there that you picked out? You have such good taste and good eyes! That striped shirt that you think makes you look 'fat'?? You are so fine with your curves that I couldn't care less! You're so gorgeous!! That oversized hoodie that's supposed to be comfy? Be comfy! Being fabulous is just a plus when your wearing it!! It's such a soft and pretty color!!! It's fuzzy inside and is frog themed!!!!!! You are so amazing in every aspect of your looks and personality!

Me: The f◼️k do you mean “Gramps”…?

Hero: Easy there, old timer-

Me: Don’t hurt me!

Hero: Hey, hey… shh… noone’s gonna hurt you, sir-

Me: For frack’s sake, Keefe, we’re THE SAME AGE!

Hero: …Ryan?

Me: (Lowers hood)

“Grandson”: BUSteeed…

Keefe: Anthem, what did you do?

Me: Go ahead. Tell him what you did.

Anthem: Okay, first, lemme say I’m sorry I almost got you impaled on the sharp end of a… I’m sorry, what were you wielding?

Keefe: A gold-plated Walther PPK.

Me (raises eyebrow): Seriously?

Keefe: GoldenEye was my favourite game as a kid!

Anthem: I’m sorry I almost got you impaled on the sharp end of a gun, apparently… total accident, BTdubs.

Me: Yeah, an accident that almost ended with a golden bullet to the leg.

Anthem: At least you’re not a werewolf?

Keefe: That’s SILVER bullets.

Anthem: Oh yeah…

Keefe: And no, you would’ve been fine, Rye.

Me: Uh-

Keefe: It’s fake. A glorified toy.

Anthem: Then why tote it everywhere in that chandolier…?

Keefe: “Bandolier.”

Anthem: Whatever…

Keefe: It’s my implement.

Anthem: Hold up… your wand is a frickin’ fake firearm?

Keefe: W’yours is a rubber chicken.

Anthem: Hey, he has a lot of sentimental value, okay?

Keefe: Well, so does mine.

Anthem: How, exactly…?

Keefe: Didn’t you hear me talk about fond memories of a certain video game…?

Anthem: Honestly, my brain went into an ADHD glazeover…

Me: Can relate… ahh, but not about this.

Anthem: I mean your life flashed before your eyes, probably, like an adrenaline fueled recap.

Me: Actually, no, I think that prank potion made me briefly senile…

Anthem: Which brings me to my next point… it wasn’t for you. Someone switched the labels.

Me: So who was it for?

Anthem: Jethro. Revenge for messing with my ramen bowls.

Me: That was him?!

Keefe: Ugggh… I hate that guy.

Me: How’d he even get in our dorm?

Anthem: His fam’s in league with the Housemaid Syndicate.

Me: Rarely. Well… when I need to be.

Companion 2: And are you being serious right now?

Me: …no.

Companion 1: Rule One: “John Smith” lies.

Companion 2: I thought Rule One was “Don’t wander off”…?

Companion 3: Well, I thought it was “Never trust a Sontaran on the eve of war”…?

Companion 1: What the hell kind of rule is that?!

Companion 2: Yeah, Somtarans are ALWAYS at war!

Companion 1: Right? There can’t be an “eve of war” if the war is ongoing.

Me: Oh… ‘s’a first time for everything… and it’s So-Nn-taran.

Companion 2: Oh, fine then… “SoNnNtaran”… bloody SoNnNtar-HA, or whatever…

Companion 1: Back to the other thing… so you die, you get replaced by a whole new person?

Me: That’s how it feels sometimes…

Other Me: Oh, don’t be so amateur melodramatic…

Me: You’re one to talk, Mr. “I DiNnAe wAnT TaE GoOoOooo…”

Other Me: ‘ey, I never said that!

Me: Ah… spoilers.

Other Me: And since when have I had a Scottish accent?

Me: Since a certain incident on a certain planet whose name rhymes with Fla-FLIRT-sha…

Other Me: Are you implying that I’M flirtatious?

Me: No, I’m implying that I musta got my amateur melodramatic… ness… in ONE of my lives!

Other Me: Oh, grow up, Granddad!

Me: I’m younger than YOU!

Other Me: Only biologically!

Me: Splitting sideburns much?

Other Me (shakes head): I don’t wanna be ginger anymore…

Me: Well, tough, ‘cos- (throws out palms) -here ya are, mate, TOMATA SAUCE IN THA MIRRA!

Other Me: Bogan!

Me: Cockney!

Other Me: Tie-dye TRASH!

Me: Pinstripe PRI-

Companion 1: DOCTOR!

Me: What? I was gonna say “Prince”…

Other Me: Really?

Me: Well… you ARE charming…

Other Me (smirks): …yeah?

Me: Mmyah…

Other Me (grins): WELL… not so bad yourself…

Me: Yeah nah… y-yeah…?

Other Me: (pauses, winks, grins)

Companion 2: Okay, time to stop flirting, Doctor… s…?

Me: …hm?

Companion 1: The danger?

Me: …oh right, yeah, the Da-

Dalek: THE DOCTOR IS LOCATED!

“Uh… good news first, I guess?”

“The good news is… I’m a vegetarian.”

“You are?!”

“Well, a fruitarian, technically.”

“So… you drink juice instead of blood?”

“Uh… does coconut water count as juice…?”

“So that means I’m safe? Oh… is that the bad news?” (chuckles)

“Yes, you’re safe. No, that isn’t the bad news.”

“Then… what’s the bad news?”

“I think I’m turning into a stereotype.”

“A stereotype…? Of what?”

“Angel… Stefan Salvatore… Edward Whatsisname… pretty sure Sorin Markov counts… uh, pun not intended.”

“Wait… you have feelings for me?”

“Yyyup… and it kinda frickin’ sucks, man… WOW, I am on a roll with the accidental puns tonight, aren’t I?”

“But… how is that a bad thing?”

“Well, it’s because I’m-

“Gay?”

“How the fu-

“You’re a male vampire stereotype in a writing prompt on tumblr.”

“…fair point.”

“Hm!” (nods)

“A little disrespectful to the sanctity of the Fourth Wall, but I digress…”

“Well, I have good news for you…”

“And that would be…?”

“I’m…” (slowly points at self)

“Yes…?”

“…’bye.” (self-defenestrates)

“Wh… ooooohhh, he means he’s… and the leaping out a window is part of the pun… yup, this squish is DEFO a crush…” (looks at viewer) “…and no, that wasn’t a pun because the windowsill is, like, a foot off the ground, and he is currently lounging in the soft bushes in his front yard.”

“NOW who’s disrespecting the sanity of the Fourth Wall…?”

“That’s ‘sanctity’… but now that you mention it…”

“Hey, you wanna see a movie?”

“Sure. How’s tomorrow at 12pm?”

“Uh… that’s not midnight, dude…”

“I know.”

“But how-

“Y’know the daylight rings from TVD?”

“Wait… those are real?!”

“They sure are, champ!”

“So you have a daylight ring?”

“Actually, they can take any form.”

“So what’s yours?”

“Daylight shrapnel.”

“Uh…?”

“Yeah… the spell to create one can be… volatile.”

“Oh my gosh, you could’ve been ki-

(Smirks)

Me: “Uh-

Them: “You even smell like one, maaan…”

Me: “Wh-

Them: “H e e e y… I got a gnaaarly idea, dudes… we should, like, abdicate…“

Me: Hm?

Them: “No, wait… I mean… we should abduuuct him… yeah, that’s it…”

Me: “Wh-

Them: “…and, like, take him all the way to Okashitsu, and then we, like obseeerve how long it takes before they realise he’s a moooman beeean… it’ll be sooo funny, duuudes.”

Me: “No-

***

Many months later…

Hero: “Uh… you okay there, Doc?

Villain: “Do not interrupt.”

Hero: “Uh… okay?”

Villain: (Now where was I…? Ah yes, the se- u-uh… the “aesthetically symmetrical archnemesis” who is currently dripping liquid dihydrogen monoxide in my nice, dry doorwa-

Hero: (Smiles)

Villain: W-Why are you smiling?

Hero: New shirt?

Villain: Oh, um… i-indeed…

Hero: It looks good on you.

Villain: Oh, feh…

Hero: No, I mean that!

Villain: …you do?

Hero: Yes! If there’s one thing I admire about you, it’s your fashion sense.

Villain: Oh, no, this i-is… w-well, it’s just a thing I threw togeth… well, no, I DO see your reasoning…

Hero: So…?

Villain: Oh, very well, stay as long as you desire… but NO VIGILANTISM DURING DOWNTIME! Is that clear?

Hero: I wouldn’t dream of it.

Villain: Excellent. In that case, I shall personally escort you to the guest mansion…

Hero: Um… the guest WHAT?!

Butler: Shall I escort Mr. Shocknuts to the guest mansio-

Villain: No, that won’t be necessary.

Butler: It really is no trouble, Sir-

Villain: Fredevere? Read my lips:

(Slowly mouths “F◼️K OFF,” then covertly side-glances at the hero)

Butler: (Makes a sound like a weird fusion of “ah” and “oh”…)

Villain: “That will be all, Fredevere.”

Butler: “Will that be all, Sir?”

Villain: “…yes.”

Butler: “Very good, Sir.” (leaves)

Hero: “And it’s ShockBOLT!”

Villain: “Quite…. now, as I said, you may stay as long as you desi-

Villain’s phone: (Pings)

Villain: “Oop, that’s me… one sec…”

Hero: “Take all the time you need.”

Villain: “Oh, I plan to…”

Hero: “What?”

Villain: “What? I didn’t mention a pla… oh, for Devon’s sake, Fredevere!”

Hero: “Wants the juicy goss, huh?”

Villain: “No, he’s curious about my gueOhh… that’s what you meant…”

Hero: (chuckles)

The first attempt was made in “one of many” Golden Ages of Humanity, which ended in catastrophe when the newly appointed High Minister of the Almarthalanssic Empire had made a catastrophic blunder during what was described as “a bit of the xenophobic jitters” by the Acting Ordinator, resulting in the fall of the now-mythical imperial capital, the Floating City of Almarthalanssos

This caused two of Earth’s moons to be ejected into deep space, and though the third was “successfully” retained and positioned into a new, mathematically precise orbital path, the consequential tidal shift caused a “predicted” global flooding event that set human civilisation back by more than ten thousand years, and caused the downfall of several of its other city-states, some surviving as legend and fable in the current era (Lemuria, Hyperborea, Hell, etc.), and others lost to the waters of time

Of course, the former High Minister blamed the “visiting incumbents” for the domino disaster caused by their not-so-tiny oversight, which just so happened to coincide with one of the rogue moons “creating” what we now call the Asteroid Belt, and the other “caught” by Jupiter, with its once-life bearing biomes either ravaged by vulcanisation or encased inside a thick shell of ice… or possibly both, if you can imagine

The second attempt was in a “second wave” of covert visitations roughly half a decamillennium after the Diluvian blunder, with the other visiting species finding success in establishing diplomatic association with the newly coalescing isolated pockets of civilisation, until one lone human stumbled onto the “tomb” of none other than the former High Minister in suspended animation…

Me: “…huh.”

Them: “Wait… you know what it is?”

Me: “Yeah, I think so…”

Them: “How?!”

Me: (Shrugs with an “I’unno” sound)

Them: “W-Well… can you at least tell me what it is?”

Me: “Technically, yes. Yes, I can.”

Them: “…”

Me: “…”

Them: “…?”

Me: “…”

Them: “Well?”

Me: “Quite well, thanks. And you?”

Them: “Very funny…”

Me: (Shrugs with an “mkay” sound)

Them (sighs): “WILL you tell me?”

Me: “Tell you what?”

Them: “You know exactly what.”

Me: “Ohh, the XNA sequence…”

Them: “‘XNA’…?”

Me: “Acronym of ‘Xenonucleic Acid’. Well… an acronym of an analogy.”

Them: “Clever.”

Me: (Shrugs with a “kthx” sound)

Them: “…”

Me: “…”

Them: “…?”

Me: “…”

Them: “Well?”

Me: “Oh, yeah, th-

The: “The XNA strand, yes.”

Me: “No.”

Them: “Huh?”

Me: “‘No’.”

Them: “‘No, it isn’t XNA,’ or ‘No, I won’t tell you’?”

Me: “Yes.”

Them: “Well, which is it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Them: “…so ‘yes’ to both?”

Me: “…”

Them: “…you have no idea what that even is, do you?”

Me: “No.”

Them: “Great… just great… I was frickin’ Science Side of tumblr’d by a goober who everybody at school assumed was one of those freaky red-headed aliens from Halfway Across the Galaxy and Turn Left, and I didn’t even get the lousy commemorative t-shirt… this is the worst Disclosure Day ever…”

Me: *cough*Fall of Gaiorion*cough*

Them: “And to top it all off, I actually, genuinely bought it… uh, f-for, like, a second or two…”

Me: “Riiiiiiiiight…”

Them: “Well then, you wanna go get something to eat, Mr. X?”

Me: “Oh, I-

Them (snickers): “Y’get it? ‘Mr. X’? Sounds like ‘misdirects’?”

Me: “Uh-

Them: “And ‘cos X is the name of the main character in Halfway, but she’s a girl, and you’re a guy…?”

Me: “You… DO realise explaining the joke detracts the humour, right…?”

Them (sighs): “Thank you, Science Side of tumblr…”