GOOD GIRL

Kai entered the confession room one last time a huge smile on her face from last night. There has be this new aura surrounding and she was loving every minute of it. She introduced herself one more time before starting. “I don’t think I have much to say other than this was amazing. I really happy with everything that happened here.” She stopped biting her lip. “Well not everything. But I really learned a lot about idol life and myself.” They had told her to go over some unforgettable moments in the competition that she’d experience..

“Something I will probably never forget is when we started to write our own songs. The first producer we worked with was Shrines. I was really excited and a little star stuck. I was even surprised when she said that I impressed her. I didn’t really think she would because I just a trainee but she did!!I didn’t say to much back then and I wish I did. But at the end of the day we got to work with Shines!” She laughed at her own exclamations. “We ran into some bumps especially with my partner but that’s in the past now. Next time I have a issue with someone I’ll try to speak up. I might not but I’ll definitely try.”

“Another thing would be seeing the stages being put together. The first performance memories will never leave me.  When arrived they were actually still putting the final touches on the stage, moving lights and glossing the stage. I hadn’t seen the preparation of a stage before so that was really cool. And then the backstage room where really wild. That was when we had all of the girls so there was a lot more chaos back then. Everyone was flying around with clothes and makeup. I also never knew that stage lights could generate so much heat. During the practice I didn’t know if I was hot or nervous.” She nodded. “Also, the chrome outfit where so nice. I hope the Reign sunbaes saw it and liked it.” She stopped her little trip down memory lane to switch to another topic she was asked to speak on.

“There was a lot of tension in the dorms sometimes but i wasn’t really apart of that. Actually, I don’t think I really had any real rivalries. I was too much in my own head to worry about anybody else.” A sad chuckled left her. “At one point I did feel like I need to show up Heeyeon after the was she treated me. But then I felt bad after seeing how things ultimately ended for her in the competition. I wish her the best in the future. The only other rivalry I know of was Q vs. everybody else. Her attitude was just bad.” After that there was was the topic of regrets.

Kai sat and thought about it. There were so many things that she wish she would have gone back and do over. From the first episode to the last. “I wish I had more fun.” She thought trying to explain her words. “I showed myself and my talent but I could have just enjoyed where I was more. I missed out on some memories. Seeing the girls and how close they’ve gotten with each other makes me regret not being in those moments and really getting close with all the other girls. I think I overwhelmed myself with the aspect of competition because of that I couldn’t get all that I could out of this.” She was being very honest and truthful striking a nerve within herself. Not wanting to get too emotional, she moved on the last part of goals and hopes.

The day started off early in the morning. Kai woke up almost was too easily, excitement and nerves fueling her. She prepared for the day still going over her moves in the solo song. She practiced marking the dance moves in the bathroom mirror while she brushed her teeth. Then all the girls were ushered off to the cars to take them to the location of the guerrilla concert. During the drive, Kai started to get antsy. She wanted nothing more than to just get today over with but in a good way. Her toes wiggled in her sneakers and her tapped her fingers against along the side of her leg. Her heartbeat became louder and louder as the drove through the streets of Seoul. So to calm herself, she leaned on the window, watching the streets go by putting everything in perspective. Thinking about the phone call to her parents and all the work she's put into the idol project that led up to this moment.  

When they arrived at the venue, Kai was amazed at the stage that they were setting up. It was definitely larger than the main stage that she was used to performing on. And like every time they performed, the girls were taken backstage to get ready and do they last rehearsals before the concert. They collected all the girls into one area and told them the concert lineup. She’d be performing her solo second. Right after Destiny and Aurora performed their collaboration from the previous week. She didn’t have time to really think about it because right after she was been hauled off to the dressing rooms. The whole time she was singing her lyrics and her head hoping and praying that she wouldn't forget them when she got on stage. However, the dress rehearsals didn’t go as smoothly as she had wanted them to. She kept getting confused and would dance  the wrong moves. She even stepped on Mathew’s foot a couple of time. They all tried to give her words of encouragement but it didn’t help her at all, not like it did before. No prep talk or compliment could help her now and she had no one to really turn to. Eventually, they got through the motions and Kai was pulled back to the dressing rooms for final looks.

She stared at her reflection as the acts went through their own rehearsals. She was all dolled up to the nines, beautiful makeup and an eye catching outfit to match. Her hair was colored with spray dye, she looked like a brand new but inside she wasn’t feeling it. Something was throwing her off all day.She hated that this was gut wrenching feeling was plaguing her and it always came around just when she thought she had everything under control. What was she afraid of? It wasn’t her mom’s expectations because she knew her mother would still love her no matter what happened. The song wasn’t the problem because she was good with the lyrics and dance. What was really stopping her was the fear of failure. The fear of not living up to her own expectation. But, so what if she doesn’t win? She looked around to see the other girls getting ready, smiling and practicing. They were enjoying every moment and Kai wanted to do the same.So what if she didn’t make it to the end. It’s not like she would be dropped by Radioactive. If she had to leave the show the she’d return to her Radioactive dorm, go to bed,and wake up the next morning. Life would go on and the world would keep on spinning. She continue to train and one day she’d achieve her goals. She couldn’t let the fear of not being the best stop her from trying in the first place. She had let this perfectionist side unconsciously rule of her for the whole competition and kind of missed out on the fun. But tonight she decided that she was going to let go and enjoy what might be the last time on stage while she could.

After writing and recording her solo song, Kai was excited to get into the dance studio. Ready to start really putting together her performance. She was extremely happy with the way her song, Chocolate Chip Cookies turned out and wanted to make sure that it had enough wow factor in the choreography to back it up. Kai met up with the choreographer and the backup dancers after in her assigned practice room. She greeted them briefly then immediately got to work. The dance wasn't extremely hard, wanting Kai to be able to show off her vocal talents during the performance. However, since the song had a very flirtatious vibe to it the moves definitely emulated that. Once again something else to bring her out of her comfort zone. But at this point it wasn't but she wasn't comfortable. She had become used to doing things that she hadn't done before because of the competition. Now she just wanted to be able to give her all in her final challenge. Because it was concept she hadn't tackled before she was worried that she wouldn't be able to pull it off.

The choreographer understood her concerns but let her know through a quick pep talk that it was all just a matter of willingness and practice. So they spent the rest of the time that day working on her stage presence blood should be able to confidently show a new flirty side to herself. Before leaving the dance room, she had pulled the choreographer to the side wanting to discuss the dance. She knew that the other trainees were probably doing the same thing, making sure that their performances stood out the most and she didn't want her hard work to fade into the background. So she asked the choreographer if they could think of anything to help her stand out during the guerrilla concert. The choreographer said that they would think about it and with that she left, hoping that they could put together something that would really set her apart from the others.

The next day, Kai returned back to the practice room the backup dancers and the choreographer for all warming up getting ready for practice. However, this time there was a new face that she didn't see the last time that they were there. It was quite handsome male dancer was standing in the corner doing his own stretches. As soon as she walked in, the choreographer pulled her to the side.

“So I think I've got the perfect thing for your performance.” They said motioning to the male dancer in the corner. Kai looked over to him and then back to the choreographer.

“Oh, um okay.” She didn't know what she was expecting when she asked for more of a stand out point but she knew this wasn't exactly it. Her shy nature was starting to take over as she became a little apprehensive because she had never danced like this with another person. Especially not someone of the opposite gender. It took a little bit of convincing from the choreographer but in the end Kai agreed to dancing with the guy, knowing that this would be the thing that set her apart. She soon learned that his name was Matthew and he was actually a nice guy. He had been watching the show since the beginning and when he heard there was an opportunity for somebody to come dance he immediately signed up. It was a good thing that Matthew was such a cool person because it made Kai feel way more comfortable with the dance. 

Another good week in the bag, was Kai’s initial thought at beginning of the week. This week the girls were paired up and they would be creating a song with some of the coolest producers around. She was paired up with Heeyeon, they hadn’t  worked together before but Kai knew she was one of the top contenders in the competition was excited to perform with her. And to really put the icing on the cake they had Shrines as the their producer. She was extremely confident that this week was their week and she was going straight to the top.

Good studio sessions with Shrines lead to a cool song called 24/7.Kai was excited to have a huge part in the song because it was only the two of them performing it. She could finally show of her vocal talents and have a lot more screen time. She was having a good time with the creative process of making a song. She didn’t openly put out too many ideas, only answering with a yes or no when asked. When the song was finally done they moved on to the performance and she was feeling good.

But that feeling didn’t last long as her time with Heeyeon became strained and uncomfortable. Heeyeon’s hubris was starting to get in the way for the practice. Kai shy nature kept her quiet in the matter, not standing up for herself. Kai just decided to just tough it out until the end. She kept smiling and every time a sarcastic remark or a backhanded compliment came her way, she just nodded keeping her head down, trying to ignore it the best she could but. At the main stage, the treatment was the same. Heeyeon even kept her distance from Kai. She felt unbelievable small as the treatment was starting to wear down on her as she kept her emotions inside and the tears she wanted to shed behind her eyes.

She lined up with the girls getting ready for her performance. She tried to get her mind on her performance but it just wasn’t happening. She couldn’t help but feel so insecure and tiny.

Kai walked into the room, to reminded her of the interview room but this one was smaller and the walls were covered in a black velvet all around and right in front of the comfy looking chair a simple camera on a tripod. She recalled the simple instructions that the directors had informed the girls when they had first started the show. Go in the room, press the on button on the side of the camera, flip the screen to face you, start the record, then sit and talk. She cited each one as she did them and as she started the video.

“Hello, I’m Kai.” She introduced herself to the camera doing a small bow. “I came in here to talk because I feel like if I talked about this in the dorms, some of the girls might feel like I’m being a bit mean.” She breathed out before continuing. “You know there were girls that are going to be eliminated because they didn’t follow the contract and snuck out.” She shook her head, honestly confused.

“Why would they do that? It doesn’t make any sense to me. You made a deal and signed the contract. You know that we aren’t supposed to have a lot of outside contact. But you still decide to do the wrong thing. Now you are going to get eliminated for basically no reason at all.” Kai wasn’t really mad at the girls but their actions caused a stir up in her own emotions.

“I guess it’s what has to happen. But why would you put something that you say is so important to you in danger? Maybe they don’t care about debuting.” To her it was just stupid. She honestly couldn’t fathom the thoughts going through any of the girls heads.  As her sense of what is right and wrong has become quite black and white since her father was taken to jail for embezzlement. She had loved her father. Out of her sisters, she was definitely daddy’s little girl. He looked up to him and he was her hero. So to see him go down the way he did, to know all the things he has done, changed the way she saw him. But at the same time she was ready to forgive him and how could she not? It was her own father.

But those feeling changed when he whole lifestyle crumbled underneath her feet and her family was left to fend for themselves with only a small restaurant to their name. It started to solidify the dislike she had for her dad and practically anybody who did anything wrong. She still doesn’t talk to him to this day, she refuses to call home in fear that he would pick up the phone instead of her mother. Their relationship suffered because of it and she gets scolded every time she does get a call from her mom.

But to say her anger and misunderstanding completely misdirected to the girls would be wrong. Their contract violation which prompted their elimination reminded her of something else. The end of the show. She wasn’t ready for the end. That meant that only some people would make it  and others would have their dreams crushed. She wasn’t ready to have her hopes smashed into the ground, so she tried not to think about it. But she couldn’t not think about it now. Especially since she stayed near the bottom of the ranking.

Kai was excited to be on Idol project. Her excitement that had been building up since she signed on to the show had finally exploded when she stepped into the new dorms. She said her greeting to the girls that she had never met before and to her fellow trainees. All the girls chose their bed and Kai chose a single bed in the far end of the room. A majority of the girls stayed in the front of the room chatting and getting to know each other. Her shy personality kept her on the outsides listening along and laughing when she overheard something funny. They had received their first challenge to perform a song chosen by their CEO’s. It was to showcase what each company was bringing to the competition. She wanted to make her CEO proud so she was ready to give it her all.

The song that was chosen was Reign’s ‘I am the best’. Kai had spent a good amount of time trying to imitate the her sunbae group that the song and the choreography weren’t that hard to pick up. Practice ran smoothly being surrounded by people that she knew and lived with for two years now. She had to re learn the choreography as there were more trainees than there were members of Reign. But after they got that together, everything seemed to run smoothly. There were some trainees that she was worried about but she opted not say anything, thinking that it wasn’t her place. She just hoped that they could get it together before the main stage. She would enjoy going to practice but soon it was over was time to get ready to perform.

What really had thrown her for a loop is the performance aspect of this weeks challenge. Nerves started to fill her body when she saw the stage on the day of the performance. Kai had to shake herself out of it as they were all rushed off to the dressing rooms. Everywhere where you looked there were stylist doing hair, putting outfits together, and sewing up loose ends. Staff running back and forth with mics and other equipment. She never knew that the backstage functioned so wildly just to put on a good show. She made her way over to the section that was portioned off for Radioactive trainees. She bowed to the stylist, asking them to take good care of her.

“You look nervous.” One of the stylist said, snapping Kai out of her daze.

“Yeah. The stage is huge. This will be my first stage performance.”

“You’ll be fine.” The stylist had no clue if Kai was actually any good or not but her words put her at ease.

“Thanks.” She was then dressed in a chrome asymmetrical dress and black tights. Her shoes lifted platforms with spikes around the toes. She looked in the mirror and posed feeling she was actually in the music video that she idolized for a long time. The girls were then called for one last rehearsal before the show. Kai’s jitters were returning and she kept reminding herself that this was practice and practice was the only time to mess up. They got through it it was a little bumping re-adjusting the dance to the size of the stage but it was still good.

Ever since she received the weekly challenge on the main stage, ideas had been running wild throughout her head. Immediately she went back to the dorms and started to spill her thoughts onto paper but none of them were actually complete. Just tidbits of words and phrases that she’d want to add into the song. Her excitement keeping her up to practically 2 in the morning which was quite odd because she loved sleeping. The next morning she woke up and rushed to get ready for the day. She was meeting with her idol project producer and she wanted to get as much done today as possible.

She entered the room with a bow and took a seat. It wasn’t long before all sorts of ideas where spilling out of her mouth. She had no idea what she really wanted so the words just kept on coming.

“Hold on now, let’s pull it back now back now. Not that I don’t love your enthusiasm but can’t understand if you are taking a million words a second.” They joked and Kai laughed along, now a little embarrassed. “ How about we start with the music and then we figure out the lyrics, okay?” They sat there together for a while talking about the music style and what they had come up with.

“How about this one?”

“It’s nice.” The producer chuckled and stopped the music, before looking back at her.

“You’ve said  that about the last three tracks.”

“I know it’s just that it doesn’t really make me feel anything yet.”

“And that totally fine Kai. If it doesn’t fit then you won’t like the song regardless. But you can’t keep on telling me that every one of them is nice, because I can’t tell what you like and what you don’t like. It’s okay to tell me what you don’t like I won’t get mad.”

“Okay,” She said a little hesitantly as the producer looked at her eagerly. “It’s a little too slow for me.”

“Good. Now we are getting somewhere.” They said nudging her shoulder a bit before searching for the perfect song. The producer played about 5 more different sample beats but Kai wasn’t feeling them. They were good, some ranging from slower more ballad like songs to tracks more hip hop influenced. But none of them seems to fit her so they continued the search.  Eventually, they had settled on a base beat that very fresh and girlish. While listening to it Kai could imagine herself singing on stage, giving off all her charisma and showing her best side to the audience. She knew she had made the right choice.

The ending up breaking for lunch early. Her producer having to run somewhere, she didn’t hear exactly where and her growling stomach. Her excitement in the morning had clouded her judgement and she skipped breakfast. When she returned the studio, the producer was sitting there waiting for her.

“Hey, did you eat well?” Kai nodded. “Did you save any for me?” Kai froze quickly, her eyes going wide. The producer laughed before patting her chair. “I’m kidding. You have the funniest expressions.” Kai tried to be angry but ended up bursting into laughter as well..

“Hey! Stop doing that.”

“Alright, alright. Now let’s get to these lyrics.”  

They sat there for what seemed like forever. It was taking way longer that it had when paired up with Shrines and Heeyeon but that was probably because there was someone else there putting in their opinion. Kai was quite on the indecisive side so she usually just went with the flow but now her input was necessary. They had gone through all of Kai’s musing from the night before but nothing had panned out.

“Okay let’s start fresh. We’ll get something done today. Even if it is just a concept for the lyrics.” Kai nodded putting her book of messy ideas away. “So tell me about you, we can get something from that.” Kai at first didn’t know what to say starting with with the simple things.

“I love to sing and  dance. But I’m really quiet so yeah.”

“Okay, what about life before you started training.”

“Well,” She took a mental note to skip talking about her father and the troubles that he caused their family. “School was fun. I went to a international school so I’ve met a lot of different people there. My family, we lived in an apartment above our family restaurant.”

“Oh, that sounds nice. Do you like to cook.”

“Kind of but I’m not to good at it. I used to stay in the kitchen and try to steal food sometimes.”

“Alright” The producer started to jot somethings down. “So, have you ever dated?”

“Oh no. I mean I’ve had a crush before in school but I’ve never really told them.” Kai was always to scared to let her feelings be known always doubting that it wouldn’t pan out to anything.They talked for a little while longer before the came up with a concept of a love confession song. Kai felt a little awkward about it at first. Love wasn’t anything that she was used to because she hadn’t had the chance to experience it but she felt that she had watched enough dramas to get the feeling. The continued to work on it and in the next couple of days with strokes of inspiration, they layered some R&B sounds over the song to really show her versatility. When the song was finally done she was extremely happy she was there every step of the way and it was everything she ever wanted.

But her time in the studio wasn’t over. There was also a group song that the girls would have to record and perform at  their upcoming guerrilla concert. When she got the lyrics to song she was surprised to see that she’d be singing the chorus. There wasn’t much change in the lyrics but that really didn’t matter to her because she’d be opening up the song. That meant whatever energy she brought to her part would set up the rest of the song. The recording was smooth she hadn’t had any bad experiences during the time but she made sure to stay clear of Heeyeon. Sadly with Kai, she wasn’t one to forgive quickly or easily, especially when the other party isn’t apologetic at all.  But she refused to let that bother her, however she did worry about how things would go when they would have to perform 24/7 at the concert. But she’d deal with that when the time came. Right now, it was about the song

It was the final episode and Kai was writing the lyrics to her own solo song. As much as she wanted this, she was starting to get a little overwhelmed. This was the last time to show the audience and judges what she could do. So, she decided to give her mom a call. She would always calm her down and give her all the encouragement that she needed. Plus, she hadn’t talked to her mother since she started the show so this was long overdue.

“Hello?” Kai’s eyes squinted as she smiled widely. At that moment it crossed her mind that her mother didn’t speak Korean and she would have to change from the language that she had gotten so comfortable speaking in for the past couple of years.

“Hey mama. I missed you so much.” Her mother was silent on the end, almost on the verge of tears. She hadn’t heard from her daughter in so long. But she knew why her daughter would often avoided calling home but she wished it didn’t have to slowly severe the connection she had with her. She missed being able to hear her voice and hear all her stories, worries and most importantly her sweet laugh. “Mama, are you there?”

“Yes, I’m here sweetie. How are you? Have you been eating enough? When I watched the show, you looked so thin, honey. You could eat just about 3 plates and now you look like you barely finish one.” Kai zoned out as her mother continued to fuss and worry all the way from Taiwan.

“Yes, mom. I eat enough. I’m just keeping track of my weight and eating properly, you know like a normal person. I only ate like that because we were always in the restaurant and there was food everywhere!” She exclaimed, the memories of afternoons shadowing the chef and getting scolded out of the kitchen after sneaking food flood her mind. “I promise you I’m fine mama.” Kai heard her mother breathe out and in her heart she sighed too.

“Good. So how is it? Are you having fun?”

“I’m having a lot of fun. I’m trying to get along with everyone.”

“Oh honey, you shouldn’t have a problem with that. You are a really friendly pretty girl.”

“I know but sometimes it’s just hard to talk to people.” Kai had kind of shut herself in especially since the last episode and her encounters with Heeyeon.

“If you haven’t got anybody to talk to there why don’t you just call me. You know I’m always waiting for your calls.” Kai laughed and her mother joined in as well.

“I know because you tell me every time I call you.”

“Because you don’t call me enough! Kai Er, you know I miss you. I just want to hear your voice and don’t you dare say that I should just watch the show. I want to hear you say I love you mommy like you did when you were a little girl. It’s hard having one of your babies in so far away from you in another country.” Kai started to feel guilty, knowing that her mother only cares for her. A couple of tears started to prick her eyes as she talked.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know how much you missed me. I’ve missed you too. I just get- Sometimes I just don’t-” Kai started to choke on her words. She breathed in deeply, calming and collecting herself. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to call you more often.”

“Good. That’s all I want. That and for you to debut.” A breathy chuckle filled Kai’s ear but it was cut short as her mother started to talk to someone else. Kai couldn’t hear much because her voice was muffled. All she could understand was that her mother was confirming that she was on the phone. “Kai, uh,  someone wants to talk to you.”

“Okay, you can put them on.” Kai had no idea who she could possibly be around that wanted to talk to her. Maybe her aunt or one of her sisters.

“Kai Er.” She wasn’t expecting this. A male voice, thick and hoarse, that she knew belonged to only one person.

“Hi dad.” Her voice timid as emotions swirled within her. She hadn’t spoken to him since she had visited him in jail to tell him that she won 1st place at an audition for an Korean entertainment company. She knew that he was released earlier in the year but she hadn’t planned on talking to him. He was the reason she wouldn’t call, afraid that he would pick up the phone and she would have to speak with him. She actively tried to avoid him and now here she was.

“How are you?”

“I-I’m fine.” She didn’t know what to say. Years of anger and hurt gone silent on her lips.

“That’s good.” He stopped, the silence between them growing. “I know you are that show. You know I don’t want you trying to pursue music as a career. It seems really unrealistic to me.” She stayed silent. She had heard all of this before from behind a glass window. He didn’t want her to start her training in Korea two years ago when she had first auditioned. But she had decided to go anyway, she wanted to do something that would make her happy and with her mom backing her up, she moved away from her family and into the Radioactive dorms.

“But I watched some of the performances you were in. You mother has shown them to me. I had no idea you could sing like that sweetheart.”

“Thank you. I trained really hard.”

“I know you have. I’d still rather have you home with us but I see how much you really want this. You went all the way to disobey my wishes. However, I’m going to support your choices and I know you are going to be amazing. I mean you are my daughter.” He chuckled and Kai joined in but shut her mouth almost instantly. “Alright, I’m not going to keep you longer. Just promise you’ll call more often, okay?”

She nodded before realizing that he couldn’t see her.

“Okay, I will.”

“Say goodbye to your mother.”