love and its strings

Hi. its been 6 years i guess? Funny enough that I just witnessed you graduating senior high school as we entered the same university yet I have to see you graduating too. First of all, congratulations. If you ask me how I am doing, I'm doing great actually. I began to explore a different aspect of life.

You know I've been dreaming of you multiple times but I don't know why. We often encountered and just lift our eyebrows silently. What could our life have been if pandemic didn't happen right?

If we have the chance to talk again, I will always be open. If there's something you wanted to tell me or apologize for something, I'm all ears. I don't blame anything on you in which I wanted to see that its jusr a matter of immaturity that seperated us. Honestly, I don't also blame that you find someone and immediately establish a connection. Even I was hurt of course, but it made me a realize that you have to meet the person that will push you to take risks and probably im not the person for you that is worth the risk. Honestly, I don't regret meeting you. You became a mark or breaking point of my change. Because of you, I was able to know how should I be treated better. Because of you, I was ae to meet the person whom I set a standard for myself. Probably, if we have the chance to talk again, i think we are not what we think of. We are not the grade 10 version of us. Maybe that conversation is worth of a coffee or even just alcohol in a night.

I don't think that love is the right term but i guess it was the potential the stucks in me that probably until now, you still matter. Im trying to close the chapter but still, I am happy for you now. I am happy how change not only me but how change impacts you. I hope that whenever love sees you again, i hope it will be a kinder one. And also for me. Right now, I am not interested in it anymore.

today is 26th of april, 2026. yesterday, i already inform all my church colleagues and acquiatances that i've stepped down being a volunteer and a servant. the decision wasn't taken lightly and ive been thinking about it lately.

from 2022 until now, 4 years has passed. its funny that the journey is far-reached mountain. every weekends have to sacrifice sleep due to evening events and for financial responsibilities. even in school, i have to sacrifice my units just to provide the needs for the church. now, all it ended on just a random saturday of the year. its funny that every weekends i struggle to wake up because of early masses.

the decision led me due to the constant triggering happenings and events that made me remember once more. the event that made me moved to the usjr library is not in my bingo card year. i wanted to end my school year as i still work in the church. i wanted to see that i just resign. i wanted to think like an analogy like god is the driver and i am just his passenger and as he drifted to a new path, i was questionning why did he go to the new path in which its just the same destination. its like i prefer the old path despite the path was rough and a lot of storms.

it has been 3 months that ive tried not letting the event down me. ive tried to serve still. but the constant triggering still affects me. i want to prove everyone else that no event or priest can pin me down if i still serve to the lord. i dont want like the former servants who didn't serve after they work. i even visualize that i can overcome finishing off the race from the church and celebrate the milestone with the chosen family i have. now, to focus only schoolworks and only duty in the library is a privilege. to focus and to explore again in life beyond the church is a privilege. to bring back and to revive all my hobbies and interests that were dusted years ago is a privilege.

this event or situation isn't what i really wanted for but i guess its a necessity that life surprises you. our path doesn't go in a straight line but it often goes a winding road.

i am grateful for the 4 years that shaped me and molded me that those years with lessons and growth that i can bring it on life.

as of 11:33pm, i am writing a message for myself to end the year.

if there is word of the year, i guess it will be "kapoy". there is no such day that i will mention that word. from losing friends, burn-out from internships, crying over failed exams, it wasn't an easy year again.

love - there are lots of lessons that i've learned in love. for now, i guess i give up praying for that. they said ask and you shall receive from it. i had failed again in love and i dont want to pray it to avoid disaappointment. i am in acceptance stage that maybe there is no someone out there for me. i got resentment to lord on this. he can answer all my silly prayers but to this i dont think i want to invest in faith anymoe.

work - during my ojt internship, it made me realize that corporate life is not for me. it just taught me resilience and not giving up early. despite i dont like it, it tests my ability to cope with somehting that i am not too happy doing. but this is reality. and it will mirror probably my life after graduation. however, its an honor to render my internship in an international and world-known hotel because i am glad that im truly far i've come. a day with being idle, feeling anxious if i am doing this work right and the drought of trying to maintain a perfectimage.

work in church - one unexpectedd happened to me and i swear i wont forget it. i was threatened to be removed in the office without a justified reason. but throughout the year, it made me realize the importance of showing despite the uncomfort and anger because it taught me resiliency and the capacity to cope such uncomfort and disappointments.

acads - burnout malala. ive failed exams. i have a lot of absences in my class because i dont want to. not passing anymore schoolworks because its too tiring. this waas the year that hit me rock bottom. to the point i had concluded that psychology is not for me. the spark has gone. the passion didnt fuel me anymore.

july is the worse month of the year. i never thought i had to experience it in a hard-way. boundaries. i shouldve not trusted her with my vulnerabilities in life to the point it pointed at me like a gun, shooting me. it made me rethink all of the decisions ive done within this year i cant believe there is someone out there who has the capability can compromise friendship over a guy who doesnt know how to communicate emotionally. i cant believe someone out there can pin and put you in a mud for a validation of a guy. i would see the situation as a divine intervention or lets say this is meant to be happen. dodging both of them. i wouldnt put myself in a pedestal wherein i have to compete in order for me to be chosen. to be seen. to be loved. and i dont want it. i dont want to compromise or shrink my principles for them. to be honest, the impact of the situation hit me like waves. there are days i felt carefree and other days, i began to question my worth.

i dont deserve them at all.

a priest just told me that i shouldnt stoop down in their level. the best revenge i can do is to be successful and focus on my studies because one day, he will regret.

not only ive learned about setting boundaries but the power of choices. a decent friend would respect my feelings andd my dignity. a decent friend would never talk behind my back. a decent friend would defend me when i am not in the table. NOT being agreeable to negative opinions about me. but i guess its her choice. its her choice to be itchy. its her choice to find validation. its her choice to make me feel humiliated and disrespected for a guy.

to the guy, i hope you dont experience being cheated again. i know for sure her past wouldnt matter if she cheated on his boyfriend and she jumps right away to multiple men. but i hope you know you will realize you are just like the other men, being a rebound.

time check: 8:43pm

ive been feeling anxious lately about church again. people didn't realize that its environment is toxic anymore since obedience is a must. you can't question some chores. you should do it. no more questions. criticisms are everywhere. they don't appreciate what you do. they only see your mistakes.

to be honest, the church is really training ground for the real world. they said it will much worse outside. i will never forget that guidance counselor once told me that out of all the possible assigned workplaces for reads, the church is difficult to handle and she is proud of me dealing with those people with different background.

they see a resilient and hardworking woman. but they didnt know how much challenges and anxious thoughts that hinder me so much. most of the days i dont wanna show up for work and just bed rot, thinking all the bad decisions and actions i've done.

i've been trying to be kind to myself but mistakes in work happened again. and again and again. they say mistakes are path towards growth and learning but in this environment, there must be no room for mistakes.

im just tired you know. someone just invalidate me that it just my mind and ive been thinking that "it is tired" thats why i get so pessimistic. but boy, you are wrong. i am just tired being misunderstood. creating mistakes without me noticing. being criticized. being blamed again.

church is supposed to be a safe haven for me, but why does it give me so much misery.

working behind the curtains of the church opens my perspectives about their religious life. i can say that priests have different personalities and lifestyle. like you can able to know that they have vices. they smoke. they gamble. they drink. they do everthing for money. i just rather keep my mouth shut and just let them be.

lord, i am not your strongest soldier. please let the hardships be soften.

its kinda weird that i dont wanna pray for strength because i know you will give me hardships in order to flourish my strength. but this is my strength. i just dont want any problems in my life. i just want my problems to be focused only on academics.

As usual, I kept myself busy through reading different cases assigned by our Labor Code professor. Not until, a random song played and the tune made me remember a familiar song that was once given to me dearly.

Everyday, i always pray to Lord that I will find a man who is good for my heart.

The thought of my ex often stumbled on my mind. However, things doesn't to the way I plan it. Life gives you unexpected situations. However, now, because of my history in relationships, I'm thankful for it. Because it gave me an opportunity for me to learn what to look for a man who is good for me.

its peaceful to isolate away from social media

it still hurts watching him fade away.

more than one year and on going, his voice still one by one fading away. i dont know anymore what may his laugh sounds like anymore. or even the tone of his comfort whenever i am sad or anxious.

ive noticed how much change and growth i had.

ive notice i become more quiet and just listened to other people's stories. i dont settle anymore with drama with other people. like i've realized how distressful events may have a longlasting impact on your life, resulting having a wisdom at such an early age.

like in highschool and senior high, i dealt alot of arguments and throwing shades to other people.

now in college, its tiring you know.

"forgiveness or acceptance" i still remember that i advocate to forgive and never forget. however, as i grew, forgiving someone that gives you turmoil in your life won't give you peace but acceptance does. accepting that people come and go. accepting that life doesn't give you what you want in life. i don't know if i can still forgive that person that create a psychological impact on my mental health but i choose to settle for acceptance and never look back again. accepting that... he doesn't want me anymore in his life. accepting that... he isn't the person i used to know.