SPCQ

Which is fine. Y’all will regret it when I’m gone.

For my sake though, I need to train myself to focus my energies on the people that do care.

I think, back then, I believed everyone when they said they loved me.

Now, with the exception of a few extremely valuable and cherished people in my life, I know better.

Out of sight, out of mind, right? When I really, REALLY needed people to be there for me, they weren’t. They were nowhere. My cries for help landed on deaf ears. And that seems to be a trend in my life. Whenever I ask for help, people don’t deliver.

And people wonder why I like being alone so much.

“You’re not alone.” The people that like telling me that are the exact people that aren’t there for me when I need them.

Things are the same, but they’re also incredibly different being back home. I’m not gonna lie, I’m jaded. Perhaps even more so than I’ve been in the past.

I’m not sure how to get out of this funk. Because there are just so many things I can’t do by myself, as much as I’d like to. But people just can’t be trusted and can’t be relied on.

Whatever.

I’ll do it myself.

I always manage to, because I always have to. 

Ever since returning from training, I’ve felt a lot of complicated feelings I’ve never felt before and can’t really express verbally to other people.

Life here is the same. But I feel different. Very different.

It’s a little frustrating, not being able to find people back home that share the same mindset as me. Obviously, doing what I enjoy and what I need to do. But also with the subtle idea in the back of the head that this could all be taken away at any moment.

I see things differently now. I see habits and complacency and laziness and a lack of motivation.

But everything... is still the same. My role here is the same. People regard me the same. Friends regard me the same. Women regard me the same. Everything is the same. The only difference is that people make army jokes now. And that’s about it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are some things I’m so glad remain the same. My team. The Western House people. Dance.

But there are others... that frustrate me. There are dynamics that frustrate me, that I hope would have changed. But nothing has changed.

Snapshot of what I’m trying to do right now: Compartmentalize the sadness/anger/pain/etc. from rejection #29094, a relationship I invested so much of my heart into in so little time. In training, this ring I carried around my neck carried me through the rough times. The dark times. The times where I felt like I was losing myself and turning into someone I didn’t want to be.

And while in my heart, I knew this wasn’t right for me, that we were in completely different stages of life and it just wasn’t meant to be, I feel like I wasted my heart while I was gone. All the letters I wrote... I could have spent that time working out, sleeping, or writing people that actually responded. All the feelings I felt... I could have poured into prayer or self-reflection or my platoon mates.

I’m not really letting on how much this is affecting me to anyone outside of the like two people that will read this blog post, and that’s because it’s not really affecting me. I’m not letting it affect me. I’m currently working on wrapping up this pain I feel and storing it elsewhere in my heart. Because I don’t have time for this right now. Human emotion is so burdening, yet we all experience it. We all carry it.

I’m trying to find my focus, but it’s hard when there’s so much fucking emotion around me. And in me. And that’s what I mean by nothing has changed. Everything and everyone is still so fucking emotional. And while I don’t let my emotions take over, I don’t like the fact that they’re there. I don’t like the fact that there’s still a darkness in my heart from training that I still haven’t been able to shake. I don’t like the fact that 99% never wants to get deployed, but the 1% of me that does wants to do things I’ve never wanted to do before.

Am I broken? Or is everything around me broken? 

I hate it, but I feel so human.

I hate this. But I love it.

Whatever the fuck your issue is, you need to solve it. I am tired of you screwing with all the people I’m close with. And having the nerve to come after me when you’ve done much worse to me.