ill-advised enthusiasm and heartfelt regret

“If I have to give you mouth-to-mouth, I’m only giving tongue to take one of them back.”

“Say less. I’m good with lying.                         But will be fucking awkward if you catch us, so.”

“you’d really lie to me? after all we’ve been through?” 

“You should get out more!” she tried to tease, short high-pitched laugh that instantly reminded her of a cat’s paw hitting a key on a piano. “You know… like because born here, school here, now you work here? You see where I went with that? It’s not like a… lonely thing, unless you are! That’s cool, too! Friends are hard.” Especially when you say stupid stuff like that! She stared straight ahead, tearing her eyes off of him, walking around a couple, always accommodating to the space around her. Came back just in time to hear his question, flattered by the idea of a double major. “Not… I mean, maybe. Kinda!” Not really. Her face showed it, apologetic tint to the edges of her lips before she shrugged. “It felt like it! Everyone should totally take media studies if they can. There was like this controversial class about cancellations and their correlation to desensitization. It was kinda neat! Helped me pass!”

Couldn’t help but to peer over at his phone as he scrolled the emojis, quick glance to his face to gauge any sort of emotion. She didn’t find one, not one that she could pinpoint, anyways. That just left her with the pieces of conversation that she hadn’t wrecked yet. “I know she works really, really hard. Pretty legendary. Maybe she was just unwinding, you know?” Could be something to tuck away for one day. What songs have you guys decided on for the wedding? How about for the first dance? It’s not like she’d be able to be lucky enough to see it in person.

“Cherry blossom… it’s like… springy? It’s pretty!” Didn’t mean that she expected him to use it. She went from bubbly grin to frozen eyes, staring at him for a belated moment before she was able to laugh, fingers tucking another strand of hair behind her ear. “Works for me! I guess it’s like your go-to with new contacts or something?”

“whole wide world out there.” he laughed too, right along with her own, as though that was the tip off that there was a joke. and it gave her the break on stumbling right into a less than stellar point of conversation. lonely? who was lonely around here? it wasn’t him, that’s all that mattered. but really the thought of leaving the city didn’t intrigue him. there was nothing wrong with it, and he had everything he needed. friends, family, boss that didn’t mind if he showed up to work late now and then. no need to ruin that with the great perhaps. no seeking here. 

especially not about the correlation between cancellation and whatever— which fell under the category of articles that he passed off to someone else. it wasn’t that he couldn’t do it, just he’d rather not. there were other things to write about. like mysterious secretaries and late night rendezvous between directors and their chosen company. “unwinding.” another laugh garnered, another point in her favor. what a word for it, loud music and swearing. the occasional sound of something slamming down on tables. he had a grand idea of her apartment in chaos. but he’d never be able to verify now, that’s how life goes sometimes. “yeah i don’t think that girl knows what it means.” but she was always a fine neighbor, and she went drinking with him and leo just enough times to be considered as less subject and more person. there was a difference in exploitation there. he just felt it. 

“you guys would probably get along. talk about you know...” he gestured to her height as though that would make perfect sense, what more could they have in common other than a perception of the world that was a foot below his. the emoji was finally clicked on, added next to the hastily written zoe m. “nah. gotta feel someone out before you can assign them an emoji. what would the world come to if everyone deserved the cherry blossom?” 

“You emotionally fulfill me the fuck up, bro. Never fucking doubt that shit. The thing about getting a therapist for us? That’s fucking real.”

"So, I’m keeping the gummies?”

“my heart is racing, i’m going to need those gummies. gotta calm down and take the edge off.”

“Shit. Three? Even for an emotional affair or how firm is that? I have two left is what I’m saying.”

“an emotional affair? am i not emotionally fulfilling you anymore? we can work on it. i know a therapist. or i can find one.”

@rowcnyoung​

“Hey, how many fucking edibles would it take to let you know I’m cheating on you?”

“babe. you know you can’t joke about that stuff. i’d need at least three to take the edge off from such a monumental betrayal.” 

“Nice.” The word was echoed back mindlessly, little pullstring doll with no immediate thoughts, at least not towards the action. All pulse rate and buzzing caffeine before the dam broke, rushing in another wave of wondering regret. Nice! What was nice about it?! Nothing to do about it, now, except sigh and try not to make it sound like a groan. “UCLA! That’s like… actually really good… Not that I didn’t think you weren’t smart or anything like that just like.. It’s…” Better than hers? She wet her lips for a moment, brows pulling together while she forced her head up high to answer. “Journalism and Media Studies from Rutgers for me. You’re from Cali or…? I mean, it’s totally a lot cheaper when you’re in-state.”

She glanced at the pastry, last tiny bite just hanging there, waiting to be consumed before she looked back up at him. Probably didn’t mean it to be as much of a compliment as it was taken as, but all conscious understanding of it took a backseat, sparkles in the eyes to create blinders. “Oh! …Thanks! I mean, just part of the job, right? Heh!” Did he read her articles? Did he really like her writing? But then why say no offense? Play it cool. Last bite was stuffed into her face instead, slamming it down with a strong sip of mocha. It managed to force a belated second between his words and her answer as her throat was pushed to its maximum speed. A swallow of breath to gain her voice. “I know, right?” she joked, thought she was joking back. Didn’t he know Birdie’s laptop was super secure? Not that she had really tried. Not that she really would! “But we share a Netflix account, so we kinda call it even!” It wasn’t the same, but who was she to complain when her roommate was her own personal tipline, too?

“Seriously? She was your neighbor? Lucky! She’s pretty big news lately. You could totally use it for an article still! Was she a pretty good neighbor?” Claudia Marshall was interesting anyways. So much backstory! So much potential! Didn’t seem like there was much of a limit of how far she could go nowadays, too. She liked to think they were similar, maybe if it only was in the sense of being tenacious and a last name. “I mean I don’t know about favorite favorite but like I use the eyes emoji kinda obsessively, but what flower do you mean? There’s a huge difference between all of them! Cherry blossom 100% means something completely different from like… a rose or something, you know? Very Bachelor territory.”

“nah i’m local. don’t worry.” where was rutger’s? it sounded like it could be just about anywhere on the continent, but guessing the state? that’s what he had a computer for. if he needed the information on zoe, there it was, willingly given and available to check. at least it meant that she was probably smart. he didn’t exactly take the time to look at the other people in his field, all it did was distract from a story that he might write. “media studies too, does that make you a double major?” did it matter? sure why not, keep it light and complimentary. not worth ruining the conversation so far, considering the muffin was almost gone and the task was within accomplishment reach. 

“netflix huh.” he paused, taking inventory if he cared to ask what they were watching, if there were any recommendations. but it didn’t seem like he needed to ask any more questions that might win her over to giving him her number. so he’d save it for the next time the topic of digital streaming came up. he’d probably have to text soon enough, what better than some small talk. “nice of you to share.” easy, said while he scrolled through the pages of emojis, trying to select the one that might fit zoe. 

“yeah she was alright.” if he caught her at the right time she was conversational, but it was kind of like rolling a die. you never really knew how much she would be willing to actually talk. and if her boyfriend— sorry, director, was there, well then all bets were off. “listened to a lot of music, i’ll tell you that.” and at odd hours. but hey, he wasn’t the one being interviewed here. there was no problem with them. and she didn’t even live there now. moved into her megamansion. lucky. that was the kind of place that would take a lot more work to get an invite to. 

“wait what’s the cherry blossom mean?” who knew? there was no emoji dictionary. he hardly ventured past the drinks and the forever useful peach. it was versatile and fun, and he didn’t text many people anyways. public record and all. still, held up the uppercase “i was totally going to pick it for you. reminded me of those fancy coffee shops.”

Was it good to know? How good? Did he really care? Was that sarcasm? No, no… Maybe. Probably just being polite, right? He wasn’t… rude. “Yep!” She should have held that back. So unnecessary! Eyes looked away when she reached back outside of the shop. At least there was some open space to give her a chance to run if worst came to worst. Rule #1, always have a back-up plan. “Oh!” Immediately falling back into the same tempo before self-mutilation, bright sunny face so easily pleased by an exchange of information. “You can’t handle the truth!” she imitated before brushing back the strand of hair she already tucked back. “I mean, that’s good to know. Too. Did you go to film school or something? You know, before all this? I could have been interviewing you instead of like.. us doing that. Not together, obvs, but like… individually.. respectfully.” Too many bushes to run… stick it out another block.

“Pft! I’m already in–” do not say the d-word. “Heh! Pft… right, I’ll.. take out a mortgage next! How’s that?” Just bite the muffin. She looked away again, chewing along while she made herself stare straight this time. Seemed to be more aware of the time that way, anyways, picking up her speed. Maybe it was the little extra push towards the personal side of things that something in her gut twisted against. “It’s just, you know, a perk! It’s not like /ours./ Prob for the best! Upkeep and all that! It’s not as bad as a swimming pool, but like… it’s still like you have to clean out the little jets and everything or they get kinda moldy? My dad was like at this motel and it…” She glanced at him, mumbling the rest faintly. Another bite. She’d only have one left, better save that one for if it got worse.

It was safer to nod her head. Yes, their place was cool. Nothing more. Nothing else to say. “You want to come over? To my place?” she suddenly asked, stare up again. “I have to?” Wait. That didn’t come out right. “I mean, yeah! Sure. Some time! We should like maybe exchange numbers or something? Schedules and stuff. And I should ask Birdie. I mean, it’s her place, too. I wish it was all mine. What kind of place do you even have right now? I bet it’s kinda swanky, too!”

“yeah...jack nicholson. nice.” she was enthusiastic at least. eager to please, hoping to win him over for some reason. he knew why in the abstract. good looking guy with a college degree and a steady job, what wasn’t to like. but it seemed like no one tried harder than zoe, regardless. give one sentence, get two back. it was as if she was an up and comer who had never given an interview before, trying to fit as many stories into the conversation so that the overall story was charming and likable. but it wasn’t an interview, yet. “definitely didn’t go to film school. ucla for journalism. you?” give a fact, get two. avoid the together minefield completely and prepare for the deluge. 

he listened to her continue on, setting a quick pace and liable to choke on her food at any sharp inhale. something about her nerves were infectious, but not exactly in a good way. how did someone endure life if they couldn’t hold a casual conversation? and he was by far one of the nicer people she could run into on a given day. how did you interview julian santiago like this? 

“i mean, now that i know the hot tub isn’t cleaned by you guys, i’m very intrigued.” and something about her dad? noted though not very relevant. parents were really more of a second date topic for him, the type of fact that was not given up just to gain access to an apartment. especially not when it was already on the table. she didn’t have to, she knew what he meant—right? the more he talked to her the less he was sure. “no offense but writing seems more the strong suit.” he pulled out his phone to pull up the new contact screen before taking into account what she still had in her hands and thinking better of it. he didn’t want a cracked screen. “and i’d love to be introduced to the roommate. how is it that you don’t just break into her laptop. the self-control zoe, very admirable!” 

“i live in that one by the production offices.” swanky was not the word, but it had a high factor of running into people on their way to meetings. “i was neighbors with a miss claudia marshall.” not that she was ever a front page neighbor, of course not until she actually moved. just his luck. “alright, hit me with your number. and your favorite emoji for the name. coffee? typewriter? flower?”

“Oh! Did you like watch The West Wing growing up, too? I mean, he def did other stuff, too, obvs, but… it was just a big piece of my childhood somehow…” He didn’t need to know. Didn’t ask. Her nose wrinkled as she looked away, straight ahead to make sure she didn’t walk into something to deepen her sudden wave of self-consciousness. Way to kill any chance at the cool vibe! She took a small bite of her pastry to distract herself, bridge the gap of awkwardness that seemed to only fall back on her side. Rowan always had that effortless side to him. Wished she had it, too.

Didn’t help her case any when she nervously laughed, half-snort that tried to be covered up by a much cooler sounding scoff. “Pay you! Hope you take I.O.Us,” she teased, tried to, smile drifting down as she finally raised her shoulders in a shrug. Could have passed as a lesson in what to do when facing a bear, make yourself as big as possible to protect yourself, but Zoe just wound up shrinking back down again, could have been eviscerated in a heartbeat.

“In the market…” she repeated after swallowing a sip of mocha, half her brain on making it back in time, half of her brain swimming in caffeinated listening. “You’re not like seeing some–” In the market. Not on. That didn’t happen. “Some… good places? Like.. what? There’s like a bunch of great apartments! Like there’s one down the hall from us! It’s really pretty. Hot tub access like come on, right?”  

10 minutes? Or was it 5? Shoot. But she blinked at him, attention recaptured as she tried to shift her head to push her hair out of her face to look up at him, hands too full to do it properly, nearly a strand floating to her mouth. Awesome. “I mean, between the both of us we make it work!” Somehow. She wondered the same. Had a whole board that started from that very question. But that wasn’t Rowan’s concern. “We know how Prometheus is! Big spenders! And Birdie’s like super important. We’re just really good at saving up! Why not, you know? What about you and your three bedroom apartment search? Who’s the roomie!”

“good to know.” he didn’t really know what he was supposed to do with childhood information, though it was handed out freely. never get rid of any detail, but he did wonder if he’d asked something approaching hey what was your favorite show as a kid. it made sense, they ended up in the same career at least. everyone needed to learn how to carry a good conversation, and how to give a speech about american history. it was a journalist birthright— he guessed. "a few good men for me.” offered up without explanation as though the trivia fact was at all equal. in some ways it was, he didn’t think she’d push back, really.

“i.o.us seem like a good way to get in debt. you’ve got to start taking collateral zoe.” as if her statement had somehow been open to advice rather than a teasing, and he had something that was comparable to offer. it wasn’t that he thought she was dumb, just easily sidetracked. easily flustered. going to choke on her muffin and let him keep playing his agenda straight. she filled the gaps on her own. 

“oh i don’t have anyone in mind yet.” dodge the direct question with an easy shrug. wasn’t that common enough. on the market or off, though it brought a smirk to his face that she got the two confused so quickly. he didn’t know if he should warn her about the problems with keeping her heart right on her sleeve, or if he should wait until the conversation had achieved at least one goal. “you guys have hot tub access? how’s that work!” he didn’t think it was impossible per-say, but he was suddenly curious at idea. back burner thought. 

“your place sounds pretty cool.” a little unbelievable, or at least described with a flourish. since when was a secretary filed under important and not replaceable. now that was interesting. either she was covering something or he was right and birdie jennings was just the anomaly for him. “you’ll have to give me a tour some time.”

Why did she wait that long for Jade Bellamy? Well, stupid question, but even stupider execution! She overran her lunch break all for the blonde actress to look her over and keep walking. It seemed as if the moment she told her her last name, she scoffed! It usually opened so many doors, too… There was no telling, even if she was desperate to know, ideas rolling around in her head the entire time she anxiously stood in line for the bakery, glancing at her phone for the time. 15 more minutes. Did she have enough time to sit and eat? No. Better eat on the way. Maybe run. 14 minutes. Def run.

Bad timing to hear her name being called. Danish pastry in her mouth (she was sure Skylar called it a Tebirke?), head turning to him, nearly choking on the face looking at her while her hand gripped onto the mocha cup to recover. Swallow, swallow, swallow!

“Rowan,” she still managed to muffle out his name, poppy seed tickling her throat until she took a sip of her drink, as casual as she could manage, eyes still peering over the rim betraying. Swallow, this time… fully. “The… apartment?” Confusion stretching out across her face as she looked up at him before having to step to make room for the growing line, so tiny that the crowd could swallow her if she didn’t pay close enough attention. “I mean, sure! Uhm.. could we like… walk and talk? Would that be cool? I just really, really, really need to get back. Bosses! Heh! You know?”–her eyes rolled playfully, dead end–“I mean, obvs. You do. Uhm.. are you working on something? My help comes with a fee! Heh! … It’s just a joke. I’m pretty cheap. In a good way. … So, about that walk?”

“a good old fashion walk and talk.” he nodded, holding back the laugh that would have otherwise escaped at the energy that she seemed to put into tripping over her own two feet. it was as if clumsiness came naturally to her, but could one person really be that inept and still end up working in such a detail oriented field. but he tried to factor luck into all things, and let her choke before quickening his pace. “very sorkin. i’m game.” he let her own joke bomb with little notice. bosses, they all had them. yes indeed zoe. 

“you might have to pay me.” just a couple of reporters discussing a good story  while they walked on lunch. he almost wanted to pick a topic even more fitting to the business demeanor. and at the end of the day, there might have been one, but baby steps. “i’m walking away from my coffee.” joke just as good as hers he reckoned. not that these small exchanges really made a difference. 

“besides, one curious friend to another.” money wasn’t really a factor. he didn’t exactly have any to offer, he tried his best to put everything on a company budget. what couldn’t be written off wasn’t worth pursuing. “i’m in the market.” a market, not actually the apartment one. she could pick which one, he didn’t mind. 

“i remember three bedroom being a selling point.” backtracking back over to his topic that had in route to discussing roommates. she’d bypassed it quick enough focusing on her muffin that a refresher might have been a good beat. “how’d you swing that? 

he liked harper jennings because she seemed to be the loose end in the cancellation contracts. who was was the easier target, the liason with a law degree from harvard or the twenty-something secretary. it was a no brainer. he couldn’t think of a story that couldn’t use a few more facts about the contract, people liked to know the sordid details of what was signed away or what they could expect from the increasingly rare public cancellations. she had the documents, or access to them. she was sitting on the gold mine, though he doubted she knew it. 

he also happened to just like harper jennings. she had pretty eyes, and a jingling laugh and why not start with the flirting and go from there. it was all very CIA of him. only there was the matter of the meet-cute, which could only be arranged so many ways. why shouldn’t the roommate be one. they were already acquainted. “zoe marshall.” he greeted, always adding the emphasis to that last name that was apparently hers. although it seemed a little too convenient given the way headlines had been trending. “funny running into you here.” as if all the journalists in the limits of the city didn’t run here for their afternoon coffee. nearly a crime to be seen without the devisser cup in hand these days.

“remind me again how you got that swanky three bedroom?” easy switch from room to roommate. bringing nothing more than a smile to the table, “i love the story.” 

full name: rowan ellison young

birthday: december 1st

age: 28

zodiac sign: sagittarius 

religion: christian, agnostic 

religious level (1-10): 2 

birthplace: ojai, california

current residence: los angeles, california 

height: 6′

hair color: dark brown

eye color: brown

sexuality: bisexual

love/romantic preference: biromantic

relationship status: married to leo thorn

languages known: english, spanish, formal italian

details

car: 2021 volkswagen jetta. it’s low key and there’s a lot of them. 

phone: black iphone x, no case

music genres: only his boyfriend’s work

wardrobe: business casual. linen blazers, converse, dark jeans, checkered shirts

estimated net worth: $14,000 give or take

ransom value: he’s got this on his own, thanks though 

education: b.a. in journalism from ucla

accent: standard american 

connections

jamie young, father

kendare butler, soon to be step-mother

loren carsen, mother

blake carsen, step-father

kami young, older sister

tabitha carsen, younger half sister

leo thorn, soulmate

katie wright, boyfriend stealer

zoe marshall, has potential

harper jennings, story of the week

sebastian steele, the white whale

Levels

drinking (1-10): 5

swearing: 6

smoking status: 3

drugs: 2

cooking proficiency: 6

intelligence: 7

emotional/social intelligence: 9

creativity: 7