ᴄᴏᴡʙᴏʏꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀɴɢᴇʟꜱ. ᛪ༙. nikki freeman x fem!reader
warning(s): no wish au, set in college, reader is a med student, smoking, drinking, angst (it gets worse before it gets better,) friends to lovers, both nikki and reader are idiots, semi-smut (but nothing too explicit,) happy ending(?)
index: When your heart's in someone else's hands
Their wish is your command
YOUR BACK LEANED against the concrete ridged walls of the campus center building, just on the side out of view from the students that entered and exited the front glass doors as it were finals season and everyone was either going to study, coming from studying, or getting more coffee to study. you on the other hand? you were on your third cigarette of the day, the half empty malboro pack in the pocket of your adidas sweatpants being proof of stress.
you wish you could say it were stress from finals, that’d be much better than the actual truth of the matter. but you hadn’t studied in days and honestly you didn’t care to. your mind was a whirlpool of heartache and question that burdened you so much lately you couldn’t even concentrate on the stupid cartoons you loved to watch after smoking two joints after a shift at the campus cafe.
in other words, or in more matters you never thought you’d find yourself in such a predicament. you’d never had a thing for relationships or love, not that you were one of those sad wannabe philosophical fuckers who ran around with the corny ‘fuck love’ saying plastered over them but in a way that you just didn’t care for it much, definitely not after having to grow up watching your parents go at each others necks almost everyday until they eventually got divorced and your father moved two states away with only one call a week with your name on it.
you didn’t understand, and often wondered what was it about love that made people so crazy. was it that people often got love and infatuation mixed up? sure it could be that, especially in today’s world where everyone your age was getting relationship advice off of tiktok and fake love spells to bring their ex-lovers back. or maybe people were scared to be alone. you could understand that to an extent as you know how lonely the world can get, feeling like the gaping hole.
you mean, what was the point of the saying ‘if you love something, set it free?’ when no one ever let what they loved go? not truly anyways. maybe it was the societal collection of being scared of change. scared of what it meant to not be by someone’s side anymore? or the other side of the coin where someone is too afraid to let someone ago, rather go through the arguments and fights just for the sake of being too scared to see the person you love change.
you don’t know, and maybe you never would. not those parts anyways. but what you do know is, you have scientifically and fundamentally fallen in love with someone you could never truly have. it felt like walking on a thin sheet of ice that layered over a lake in the depths of a cold winter, but still knowing the risks you walked, no, you ran over it anyways.
it was never supposed to be like this, it started off as one stupid drunk kiss between two lifelong friends that went untouched and un-talked about for weeks until one of you broke and demanded to know what it meant, then well that turned into a more heated kiss that turned into stolen ones and left untouched words, that turned into touched bodies with even more hollow words and the more physical and hollow things got, without you even noticing you became just as hollow as the unspoken words, if not more.
and not because things weren’t exclusive and labeled but because it made you realize you had loved and been in love with someone who was supposed to be nothing more than a childhood best friend to you for so long you became blind to it and when you could finally see it, it didn’t seem like she wanted anything more than your body because for whatever reason, she started to push you away the more you lie down together.
and for whatever reason the only times you seemed to hangout lately was at shitty frat parties where she ditched you and you had to find her lip locked with random guys; the same thing that started the first ever real argument you two have ever had. sure, when you were kids you’d fight over who got to play with the coolest barbie but this? last friday? last friday was different.
you were only trying to help, you swear you weren’t being a jealous asshole, even if your eyes were a green as the hulk—she was just way too drunk, more than normal, probably the drunkest you’d ever seen her. so, when you seen her stumbling upstairs with some douchey frat guy you had to intervene. you didn’t yell, you didn’t try to claim her, you simply just rushed over to her and asked if she wanted to go home to which she laughed in your face and bitterly declined. then you turned to the guy and told him she was way to drunk to do anything, asking him was he really that low of a dude to take advantage of a drunk girl.
the moment happened too fast, you didn’t even remember all of it but the parts you do remember is him swinging on you after your third attempt to get her to not go with him and you dodging it, to which he tried again to punch you and not landing it before you took a swing, two to be exact and those two right hooks knocked him cold out on the stairs. you didn’t expect her to thank you, but to start yelling at you? that was a whole other thing—a whole other side you’d never seen directed towards you.
why would you do that?! i can make my own decisions! i don’t need you to save me—you know, i don’t even know why you’re here because i don’t want you here! stop following me around like a lost puppy!
if there’s anything you remember from last friday, it’s those words that she had spat at you.
“those are bad for you.” you exhale a deep breath at the familiar voice that rounded the corner of the direction of the side of the building in which you were placed.
“yeah, well…” you shrug. “finals season you know?”
“you haven’t come to a single study session this week.” the girl now comes into full view, standing in view of the trash bins you had been aimlessly staring at the last ten minutes.
“hi, sarah. how was your day?”
her head tilts and she gives you an unamused look, “don’t change the subject. where have you been? i haven’t seen you at all this week.”
your eyes roll in a playful manner, “js’ busy.”
“busy? cut the shit. why are you being so vague with me? are you a fucking secret spy for the government or something?”
“sarah, i—” your mouth opens and closes. “i just haven’t been feeling good.”
“soo, go to the doctor? or better yet, you’re literally studying to be a doctor, take care of yourself maybe?”
you groan, running your hand over your face.
“i don’t have time for a lecture, sar. how’d you even know where i was?”
“i pass on sidewalk on the way to the dorms, genius. i seen you standing over with your cancer sticks yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.”
wordlessly, you take one last hit of the stub of a cigarette before throwing it to the ground and pressing the heel of your foot on it.
“what’s going on? you’re obviously not sick. i mean, you didn’t even come to trivia night last week.”
your eyes graze over her face, meeting her concerned gaze. “i’m just not feeling social, i don’t know.”
“y/n, i’m your friend. i’ve known you since like eighth grade. i know when something’s wrong with you.”
“you wouldn’t understand. it’s not something—i can’t talk about it.”
“okay, so, why haven’t you talked to nikki? you always talk to nikki. you’re closer with her than anyone.”
the very thing you can’t talk about. the very reason you’ve been standing at the same spot all week huffing down three cigarettes.
before all this you would say she was an ever-so quick witted, determined, literary buff. or you’d say she was the girl you had known since you were five years old, the girl whom you got into your first fist fight for; defending her against some bullies during third grade recess. the same girl who made fun of you and pushed you around but would kill anybody if they even bumped into by accident. the girl you managed to beat at every single video you played together.
all of it, you were sure all of your memories included her. nikki was your childhood best friend. there wasn’t a single thing you did without her—well until you started to act in un-platonic ways, realized you’d been in love with her, and she completely freezed you out without an explanation to why.
“she’s busy with finals, i don’t wanna bother her.” the lies rolls off your tongue so unconvincingly.
“she took her last final monday.”
“okay well,” you cross your arms. “she needs rest. she’s been studying hard.”
you have no idea if she’s been studying hard or not. you had not talk to the first for a week and two days.
“when did you become such a lair?”
“what’s going on? i know you two got into a fight last friday, what was it about?”
sarah rolls her eyes, “bear. he said nikki called him drunk out of her mind and needed a ride. he said when he picked her up that nikki was just going on and on about you.”
“what’d she say about me?”
“i don’t know, i—something about you being jealous and ruining her fun. what’s that about?”
“i am not—i was not jealous—” you catch yourself before getting rilled up. “look, nikki was drunk and someone tried to get in her pants, i was just trying to help and she…”
“that’s stupid. you and nikki have been friends for how long? get over it.”
you look at sarah like she had just offended every emotion and bone in your body.
“good. so that means you’re coming to trivia night tonight?”
“why not? you just said you’re over it.”
“i—” once against your mouth opens and closes as you try to buy time on what to say.
“jesus christ, y/n, i swear to god if you tell me one more lie.”
“why does it matter to you so much, sarah?”
it her turn to look at you like you had offended her, “well, i’m sorry for caring about you. you wanna be left alone so bad i’ll go, but when you need someone after you’re done sulking don’t call because i tried.”
she goes to turn to walk away but you hastily grab her arm.
“what, y/n? this conversation is getting nowhere, i’m running in circles trying to make sure you’re okay.”
“i—" you purse your lips. “i’m sorry. i just…”
“it’s complicated okay? i…fuck. i made a promise and that promise includes not talking about what’s going on with me. i’m not trying to shut you, or ian, or even bear out, okay? i wish i could talk to you because i really need you right now, all of you but i’d rather look like the asshole than…”
she’s quiet for a moment, her eyes searching your despaired face. she notices the slight bags under your eyes, the look in them that showed drainage and tiredness.
“when you said you’re not trying to shut us out, you didn’t mention nikki.”
licking your lips before they purse, “yeah…nikki too.”
“is this about nikki? this is more than a stupid fight isn’t it? you and nikki never fight. disagree? sure. but fight?”
in this moment you can feel yourself breaking down, the shell you had become over the course of the past month cracking before your eyes. you wanted to get away from this conversation but another part of you wanted to leap into it, better yet leap into sarah’s arms and sob to her how you don’t recognize the girl you had been so inseparable with.
“what’s this promise about? nikki, would never make you promise something that would break you.”
“but she did, sarah!” your voice slightly raises and the microscopic confession feels like a breath of fresh air.
“she kissed me! and i kissed her! and we slept together and she knows i love her but she doesn’t feel the same! she only sees me like a friend and a body! but she’d rather treat me cruel than to lose me and i can’t take this shit anymore! i promised her i wouldn’t tell anyone what was going on between us…”
“you wanna watch a movie or are you too drunk?” nikki jokes, kicking your foot as she stepped over them to take a seat on the couch placed in the middle of the dorm’s living room.
it was the first friday of may and the weather had just begun to give hope to people after the nasty winter air that was over the skies not too long ago, so of course on a college campus it was a call for a party.
and a party there was. it was packed, you’d almost say half of the campus was there. people were either drunk or high or both. people danced, played beer bong, made out, went to some random room to have sex. it was the whole nine, like a movie.
of course you and nikki went to the party, along with your whole shared friend group besides bear, who had mysteriously been locked up inside his house the past few days.
you came, you saw, and you conquered.
you don’t normally drink, not much anyways but when ian dared you and nikki to a drinking contest you caved and that’s how you found yourself completely buzzed in the back of an uber with your best friend that took you back to your dorm.
“only if i get to the pick the movie, i am not watching that eternal sunshine movie for the one zillionth time.”
laughing she pushes your shoulder in a playful manner, “we have not watched it a zillion times…maybe a million but definitely not zillion.”
“nikki,” you give her a look. “every time it’s your turn to pick the movie for movie nights you pick eternal sunshine, you always go on about how it’s a real love story and not some crappy romance—whatever that means.”
“understanding the connection, it’s about internal fear, yeah, yeah—i’ve heard this analysis a million times from you.”
“ok, asshole,” she turns to you, placing her arm on the couch and bending it to place her face in the palm of her hand.
“you think you’re a smarty pants because you’re a doctor.”
“yeah, yet. but you will and when you are you’ll kiss all my boo-boos—”
“don’t be an asswipe.” you joke, plucking her forehead.
“yes it did,” she rubs her forehead. “now you definitely have to kiss my boo-boo.”
“boo-boo? what are you, five?”
“as a doctor you should not be inflicting pain and now that you have, you have to make it better.”
you give her a look, “you are seriously gonna make me kiss your forehead?”
“mhm.” she nods. “or you could buy me fries, you know i get hungry when i’m drunk.”
“i’m not buying you anything. i have leftovers in the fridge.”
“well, i guess you’re kissing my very serious forehead injury that you caused.”
you lean up, pressing a plain kiss to the center of her forehead before leaning back and plucking it again.
“ow! see, now you have to kiss it again. i think you made the stitches come out.” she jokes.
“oh i am very sorry, ms. freeman. i am a well respected doctor and i can assure you i will take the best care of you wound.”
“well, thank you, dr. y/n. see i got this wound from my asshole friend, she shot me.”
you snort before continuing the joke, “ah is that right? because this looks like a serious pluck wound. you know, those are more serious than gun wounds.”
“yes, very serious and can only be treated with a kiss and a bandaid.”
the brunette laughs, “oh, doctor, please treat me!”
“of course,” you turn closer to the girl, your hands coming up to cup either side of her face before slowly bringing her forehead closer to your lips and gently placing a kiss in the spot where you had plucked her.
you softly move her back, still in close proximity with your hands in place. your eyes meeting her’s as you both are glossed with drunk, playful stares.
“all better?” you tone is soft and joking.
“much better.” she meekly says, her eyes never leaving yours.
and for a moment, for whatever reason, maybe because you were drunk, you stay in the position that you are even after the joke has died down and silence had become to lay between you two; the glint in nikki’s eyes changes, so does yours. for a moment she looks down at your lips and back at your eyes causing you to do the same, the tension making something feel uneasy in you so you try to pull away and she stops you, pulling you forward and crashing her lips right onto yours like the waves of the ocean crash onto the sand.
you don’t even think, you just kiss back. stern yet soft your lips move against her’s with her head between your hands and her hands gripped tight onto your shirt.
you had kissed a lot of people, in high school and certainly now, in college…you’d be surprised how may girls thought it was hot for someone to be in school to be a doctor. but that kiss. that kiss with nikki was different, to be the most dramatic, it was unlike any other kiss you had, had—even the serious kisses with past lovers. in that moment it felt so real. you didn’t know it then, but you know now that when your lips were against her’s, when her hands were clinging to you so tight as if you were going to disappear, why it made you feel like you were sinking and falling and skating into her was because you had been in love with her.
you and nikki didn’t talk about it for two weeks to be exact. you still hung out, you sent dumb tiktoks to each other, studied in the library, still teamed up together during trivia nights, though she didn’t jump into your arms to celebrate the win like she normally would before those events; she didn’t drag you along to the bar to get celebratory shots like she normally would. no, instead, she gave a two handed high five, before turning to bear, who would knowing go with her to rally more drinks. and you know it was childish that you two just drunkenly made out, fell asleep, and tried to act it was normal.
which, hey, maybe it was normal but not for you two. not when you two had known each other so long—it was like flipping a switch you couldn’t turn off. and you wanted to talk about it, you did. but when you woke up and she was gone, only a text on your phone from her saying ‘hey, sorry had class. hang later?’ you figured she didn’t want to talk about it. you chalked it up to her just being drunk.
and it hurt, sure it did. hurt like hell. but you were not going to push her and risk some damage.
you kept thinking about it all those two weeks. as soon as you woke up, with a pounding headache, you thought about it. first, you asked yourself did you dream the whole thing but you knew damn well you didn’t. then you thought about how soft her lips were, how she tasted, the way it felt to have her hands on your body that way. and then you wondered why she kissed you and what it meant? or why she left? but most of all, you thought about what feeling it emerged out of you the way lava emerges from a volcano.
you always had just seen nikki as the person closes to you, the person you could go to for anything and they would be there with no questions asked. she was the girl who you went to dating advice. she was the girl who you spent most of your time with, wasting away and doing aimless things. but now? it seemed she was more than that to you.
when you seen her the next day for trivia night, she went on and joked, and talked with you like everything was cool—like you didn’t make out passionately on your couch. she might have been cool but you were definitely not because when you looked at her, it started to make you nervous in a way you had never, ever, been around her.
but you had no choice put to push any and all twisted up feelings away because again, if she weren’t going to bring it up, why should you? well, until the thursday of the second week.
“you going to tomorrow’s party?” nikki rolls onto her belly, having been laying in your bed the last two and half hours as you helped each other study. you were placed on the floor, you back flat on the surface with books scattered around you and an open macbook.
“probably not, i really gotta study. there’s like sixty questions on one of my tests.”
she rolls her eyes, fixing her face in a pout. “you have to go. for me? please?”
“i’d love to, trust me. but i don’t plan on spending another eight years in college.”
“come on, you’re smart as hell, i’m sure you’ll have no problem passing finals.”
you push yourself with your hands, moving your body to sit up. “i am very smart, but this shits different than math or some shit, nik. i actually need to know this.”
“yeahhh but you also need to party with your best friend and enjoy your youth with her before you’re a serious doctor.”
a breathful laugh escapes your lips, “you are not persuasive as you think you are.”
swiftly, the girl moves off the bed and onto to the floor, now across from you. “what do i have to do to convince you?”
“create a machine that just zaps knowledge into my head and makes me remember it.”
a smile creeps onto her lips, “that can be arranged.”
“hey, don’t let me cramp your style. you should still go, i mean, aren’t ian, sarah, even bear going?”
“yeah but they’re not gonna dance with me. ian’s gonna have a flock of girls around him, sarah is gonna get drunk and psychoanalyze people, and bear, well we both know he’s gonna hover over my shoulder all night. you get drunk and dance with me.”
your purse your lips, pausing for a split second. the mention of being drunk with nikki making you thinking of the past events.
“i only get drunk with you on special occasions—or when i’m dared.” you point.
she leans slightly closer, not enough to make you dizzy, but still closer. “well, y/n, i dare to get drunk with me tonight.”
your eyes flicker to her’s, another pause. you’re trying to think, really think or maybe not think. whatever. you’re trying to shake the flash memory of her lips on yours so desperately and the heavy breathes that escape from her mouth.
“i don’t think we should get drunk together.” it was supposed to come off as joke but fails miserably.
“i—” you tear your gaze from her face, to the wall.
“you don’t wanna drink with me and dance? you loving dancing, no matter how hard you try to act like you don’t.”
“nikki, i—“ your mouth opens and closes. “are we gonna talk about it?”
you can her jaw clench and release. the glint in her eyes changing from playful to something that is unreadable.
you were about to burst open.
“…you know what. don’t make me say it.” you tone is just above meek and vulnerable.
“yeah, it’s awkward, nikki. you’re my best friend.”
fuck. she leans just a little closer.
“so, would it be awkward if i kissed you again right now?”
immediately, your eyes flicker up to her’s. you look like a deer caught in headlights, yet the glint in your eyes in stern.
you don’t know what to say. it feels like some type of clock is ticking over you and the more you try to think of words to sputter out, the more your mind goes blink. you feel somewhere between trapped and lucid. so, she didn’t just kid you because she were drunk? or maybe she was drunk right now and you just didn’t know?
you go to open your mouth but then you feel her hands in a way you doubted you would feel again—her right hand reaches up, gripping the neck hem of you shirt and pulling to crash into her, better yet pulling your lips to crash into her’s and that’s exactly what happens; and somehow it’s better than the first time. it almost felt like you could feel it even more.
and you don’t want to, but you pull away—because you know you should.
“nikki, we need to talk.”
“you don’t wanna kiss me?”
“i do, i mean, fuck—i do wanna kiss you but…this is…unusual for us, i mean…i—i’m trying to understand. shit, nik, i’ve known you for forever and we’ve always been just friends so, when you kissed me last time it—i don’t know why it did or how it made me feel and i’m not saying it made me feel bad but it definitely made me feel something. i just—why are you kissing me all of the sudden?”
a second goes by that she is silent.
“you’re right, y/n. we’ve known each other for forever, we spend most of our time together…i don’t know, i can’t exactly say i have feelings for you but when we were joking around and your were holding my face and we were really close, for a split second the thought of kissing crossed my mind and i don’t think i would’ve actually did if i weren’t drunk; you know drunk courage and all but i did…and i didn’t not like it.”
“….so, you kissed me because you were drunk?”
her hands comes up and rubs her face as she lets out a hollowed exhale, “no, not entirely. i mean, i meant it when i kissed you. i’ve thought about kissing you before, at one point i thought i had a crush on you when were like fourteen but i didn’t…i don’t know, i’m human, i think about kissing everyone from time to time but—look, it was an in the moment thing at first but damn…it felt really good. it felt like a big release to me, you’re attractive, y/n, it’s no secret. and you’re my closes friend.”
“…i…i liked it too. i just—you left and you didn’t say anything about it so i figured it was just stupid drunk shit, but it wouldn’t be terrible if you kissed me again.”
“good because i’m going to it again and this time don’t pull away.”
looking back, sure the first kiss was the first drop of rain but the second one was the first swirl in the hurricane. you say this because the first kiss could be ignored but the second one? it demanded attention like britney spears’ hair change in 2007. it started a routine of your hangouts turning into more kisses, it made you know what it felt like to have your best friend’s hands on the back of your neck as she pulled you closer for a deeper taste of your lips.
fundamentally, everything was changed. nikki, she was longer the girl who dorkily old literature no one has ever heard of, she was longer the girl you once pranked by shaking her sodas up, she was no longer the girl you’d seen through her ‘awkward phase’ but rather the girl who made you stare at her with a twinkle in your eyes that was most definitely more than friendly; she was the girl who you knew her lips sometimes tasted like cherries or french vanilla depending on what chapstick she were wearing.
no longer just someone you loved and held closer dearly but someone you were in love with.
and though you didn’t say it, you knew she knew it deeply and pushed it away without pushing you away, at first anyways. you weren’t an idiot, you seen the way she went back to being your friend when you stared too long or when you were around other people, especially your friends.
but what really confirmed it, what really stung was what she said after the first time it went further than just a kiss.
friday night and you had passed your first final, so obviously you were going to party hard.
you, ian, sarah, nikki, and even bear, this time, had been placed at yet another infamous campus frat party. ian was leaned against some girl as they shamelessly made out on the couch. sarah crushing a game of beer bong, beat was standing in the kitchen with a red solo cup in hand as he awkwardly declined a girl’s advances.
you and nikki? well, she was a little past tipsy and you were buzzed from a joint, so of course you were both off in some random room with the door locked, making out on the bed.
you sat up against the headboard with nikki straddling your lap. your hands ran up her body with delicate haste and her’s scraped through your hair. the music boomed downstairs but the real music to your ears were the soft groans that left her lips. and sure the bed was a comfy one, blanket soft, but nothing was softer than the skin of the stomach that your hands ran over.
her lips move to your cheek up to your ear and down to your neck. you can’t help but groan when she teases you with a bite before sucking the same spot softly. you don’t even care if she leaves a mark, in fact you wish for her to leave as many as she pleases.
“i’ve never heard you moan before,” she speaks into your neck before going back to kissing it.
“you’ve never had a reason to.”
your hands continue to work her body, running up and down as if it were cold all around and her body was the fire to keep you warm. you move them up, fingers grazing over the lace bra you hoped she wore just for you.
you want to do it so bad, you fingers over the clasps but you’re scared. a heated make out is on thing, but fucking your best friend, well that’s a whole other thing that definitely and surely can’t nor won’t be undone.
“do it. take it off.” her hands throw themselves onto your shoulder and she lifts her head to look directly in your eyes.
“you’ve already got like two hickies on your neck, what’s the point of having the proof that you did something without actually doing it?”
“i don’t wanna make you uncomfortable and i don’t wanna ruin…”
her teeth sink into the skin of her bottom lip, “y/n, i wanna do it. i want you to touch me,”
she surprises you when she grabs your hand and makes you cup her boob.
“it’s not going to make me uncomfortable and it’s not going to ruin our friendship, even if it did, we are past the point of some kind of destruction.”
you look up at her with a lost puppy daze, wordless, hand on her right boob.
“so, take my bra off,” she kisses your cheek.
“and then take my shirt off,” your ear.
“and then kiss my neck,” she nips your ear with her teeth.
“and then kiss me here,” her lips move to your jaw as she squeezes your hand around her chest area.
desire pushed you to grab her face, pulling her in a hungry kiss and grunting into it you as your lips clash. immediately, you opened your mouth, begging her for more; all while you undo the hook of your bra with one hand causing an aching moan to escape her open lips, sending vibrations into you.
the atmosphere of the room felt like ice and fire all at once. one single room with just you two in a way you’d never been and never, ever, thought you would be filled each of your stomachs with butterflies; as you both flipped and kissed. before you knew her clothes were off and so were yours, she was on top of you and than underneath you. before you knew, you had figured out when it felt like to have you fingers in her mouth and other places across her body, you had figured out what it felt like to have her say your name in a lustful way and beg for more of you.
you know that feeling when you reach the peak high you’ve never felt before, it feels like a euphoria you could only ever feel through immerse innocent and cluelessness? well that’s what it felt like when nikki’s body were pressed to yours, her nails in your hair, mouth near your ear telling you to never stop touching her the way you were. that’s what it felt when the noise from down stairs seemed to all fade away by the lewd noises you both made together.
it was all around intoxicating and there was nothing that could ever stop it now—this was it. no return point. the night that was the start of something so shallow, yet so deep and fierce that it scared the oceans and deserts.
“you look like a kid at the candy store.” nikki teases, laid on her side in her now ruffled clothes, arm propped up with her head rested on her head as she gaze at you, who were laid back staring at the ceiling with a wide smile.
“you would be too if you were me.”
“shut up.” she jokingly pushes you head with her free hand.
“you think they’re looking for us?”
“ian and sarah probably not, bear, yes.”
you let out a laugh, mind going to the guy you were friends with for unknown reasons. “i think he’d kill himself if he seen us right now.”
“what?” you move to sit up, pressing your back against the random bed’s headboard. “he’s so obvious it hurts. he’s always staring at you with that puppy dog look, at your beckoning call.”
she can’t help but to scoff, “he means well.”
“okay, he’s a nice guy. he’s a little—well, he’s a wreck but he’s my friend—he’s our friend and so what he has a little crush?”
rolling your eyes, “little?”
“what? are you jealous or something?” in an instant, nikki’s playful demeanor seems to flip to something annoyed and slightly serious.
“what? no, i’m just teasing is all.”
“yes, good. we’re friends, y/n—”
you watch as she moves her position, leaning up as you had done. “ok…well, i don’t think we should really tell anyone about this.”
you face begins to scrunch into something offended hurt but you quickly catch it, clearing you throat and allowing your eyes to move to pace around the room, away from her face.
“i mean, i didn’t exactly plan on it but, like, why are you saying it like you regret it or something?”
this time she’s one to roll her eyes, followed by a slight scoff she tries to pass off as playful but fails miserably. “it’ll just make things weird between the friend group and everything, and like you said bear’s head would explode and i don’t wanna hurt the guy.”
“so, what? you and bear have something going on too—”
“god, no—y/n let’s just keep this between us. please?”
“ok, yeah sure.” you purse your lips.
“thanks,” she utters. “we should head back downstairs soon.”
“you go, i’ll catch up…so no one gets suspicious or anything.”
you lean your head back, eyes closing as you feel a small knot of relief untangled inside and out of your body as you let what’s been pint up inside you spill past your lips to sarah; who held an unreadable expression at your confession.
“i knew you and nikki had a thing for each other! ian owes me twenty bucks.”
“what are you talking about? you and ian bet on us?”
she rolls her eyes, adjusting the books in her arms. “you do realize you and nikki act like a couple right? why do you think bear hates you so much? it’s not just because you’re closer to her than any of us.”
“we do not act like a couple. you’re saying this like we’ve been sneaking around—all of this is new…it’s new for me, for her, for us. okay?”
“god, y/n,” she scoffs. “you get nikki coffee every morning, walk her to class, meet up with her after class—for fucks-sake she has a bin full of clothes at your place.”
“that doesn’t mean anything,” you shake your head, arms crossing over your chest.
“i’ve known her my whole life, it makes sense we’re so close.”
“you’re oblivious. nikki has been into you for forever and vice versa. it does mean something when you can’t go a day without seeing or talking to each other—you sit at cassall’s and study just to be with her.”
“ok even if that were true,” you squint your eyes, body language clearly holding fences. “it doesn’t matter anymore—she doesn’t want to see or talk to me for whatever fucked up reason.”
“you’re too smart to be this stupid.”
“you wanted me to open up to you, and now you’re insulting me? thanks sarah, i feel sooo better.”
she huffs, “she’s scared, y/n! you do realize that right? she’s doesn’t hate you, god, you scare her. the idea of you scares her. when have you ever seen nikki in a relationship? one that lasted more than a month anyways? you’re the one person in her life she’s completely open with. you’re everything to her, especially considering the relationship she has with her family.”
“but she knows i’m not going anywhere! she knows how i feel about her, sarah. she’s not scared of me or whatever, she just doesn’t want to be with me in that way—in a serious way, and i get it but i thought she at least would care about me enough and have the respect to say it to my face. she’s been an asshole to me, she’s the one who kissed me in the first place.”
sarah leans back, pressing her body weight onto her left foot, she tilts her head slightly and moves the gaze of her eyes to look up and down your body; taking in your full appearance. she purses her lips and sighs before speaking.
“i can’t convince you to see what’s right in front of you, and i can’t convince you to come tonight but at least consider it?”
“i’m just not in the mood, sarah.”
“i just said consider it, we’re heading to the bar in about an hour.”
you bid your goodbyes and watch as she turns her heel, leading to leave in the direction she came from. letting her get a head start on her venture you make the same decision to leave your lonesome spot, trailing down the sidewalk that led to your dorm while deciding against have another cigarette on the way. thankfully your place was vacant of your roommate, allowing you to throw your keys on the kitchen counter and plop yourself down onto the couch, your back hitting the cushion with a soft thud.
—you wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep but after an hour of lying with your eyes closed you knew no rest was coming to you. your mind was too stuck in a loop of what sarah had said to you.
apart of you, maybe even most of you was just angry and bitter—you couldn’t fully see the notion that nikki was scared of deep intimacy with you; especially when you had both held a fair share of intimacy together, even before this shit show happened. yeah, some of what sarah said were true—you spent all your days, nights, and everything in between with nikki but that’s what you do when you’ve been friends for so long. it was normal you woke up every morning, thinking of nikki first, grabbing her an iced coffee and heading to her off campus apartment to walk her to class—even on the days when you didn’t have class. it was normal that after, you waited in the lecture hall for her and either went to work just sit with her or just took her back to your place.
it was completely normal that you held hands, cuddled, and sat way too close when you were just in a flow of conversation—it didn’t mean anything before her lip pressed against yours and became intoxicating. she was your nikki, the person you were closes to in all areas possible. so, how and in what way would she ever push you away for the sake of being even more close to you even that were even possible? and even if that were the case, nikki has never been one to hold back what’s on the tip of her tongue—she’d speak all of her mind; not deliberately hurt you.
and hurting you were, along with being angry and confused but you missed nikki—you wanted everything to be okay between you two even if it meant just sitting in awkward silence until one of you just started contagious laughing and never talking about things you had done that equaled more than just friendship. you’d rather have her in your life as a friend than not all—you didn’t want to think about what it meant to have a life that didn’t involve her—you couldn’t even envision it. it’s childish but you always thought you’d be those pair of best friends who when you’re forty have houses next to each other and your families are really close, dinners every night together—sitting on the porch with wine.
“fuck.” you groan, running your hands over your hand in some attempt to soothe your mind.
in the swirl of the pool that was running in your head you started to wonder if you should show up tonight. you knew nikki didn’t hate you—that’d be a little extreme. mad at you? sure. but hate was a stretch. as long as you’d known nikki, you’d never known her to flat out hate someone—even if she did, from time to time, talk to shit on persons she dislike. and how bad could it be really? at least she would ignore you entirely and at most she would recreate the scene of the incident at the party. and if anything that those two options would give you all the answer you need about where you stood with each other.
things couldn’t get anymore embarrassing than they already looked to be.
you reach into your right pocket, pulling your phone from it and swiping up to look under the do not disturb tab.
did you even think abt it?
nikki.jpg posted a new story
your finger immediately hovers on the instagram notification but you decide against it, having avoided looking at anything she has posted of recently, especially a story post as she could see if you viewed it or not. uttering an annoyed ‘fuck this’ under your breath, you toss your phone to the side all while standing from the couch; you take the time to kick your shoes off finally and leave them by the centered coffee table. you just wanted to rest, that’s all you wanted to do, even if it were for thirty minutes—still, it was a moment you could have without having your mind constantly run on.
you had scanned the bathroom cabinet before grabbing two tylenol pm’s, pairing them with the single beer that was left in the fridge—your roomate was still nowhere to be found, which was normal considering she spent most of her time at her boyfriend’s place; and you definitely didn’t ming at all. you take your spot back on the couch, popping the two pills into you mouth and taking a swig of the bud-lite before sitting back, resting one arm over your eyes and the other lazily on your chest.
—it didn’t take long for the tylenol to kick in, allowing you to rest, maybe around ten to fifteen minutes before you were out cold—well, maybe with the help of the beer too.
it was peaceful for a little while, your body and mind completely at rest, no worry of what’s been consuming you. you’d probably been sleep for about an hour and a half before a knock came at the door. the first two caused you to stir a little but didn’t wake up. then the third came causing you to open and close your eyes with little recollection that someone was actually knocking. it was until they became loud on the fourth try that your eyes shot open, immediately annoying you. your first instinct isn’t even to get up and check who it, no, you reach for your phone that you’d been clueless lying on and click it on to check the time—elven on the dot. you take into account the two missed calls from sarah before disregarding them for the agitating knocking that wouldn’t stop.
“i’m coming!” you shout, your feet lazily moving towards the door.
yanking the door open, “what?”
you were prepared to give an attitude to whomever were disturbing you at this hour, assuming it might be your roomate or sarah but when you’re meet with familiar glossed brown eyes you halt; feeling the wind knock out, waking you on sight like the feeling when you abruptly sober up out of nowhere.
“are you gonna let me in?” by the way her words are slurred and eyes are dazed you can tell she’s drunk.
“i—what are you doing here? how’d you get here?”
“an uber,” attitude is thick in her tone and her eyes roll in an obnoxious way. “can i come in or not?”
pursing your lips, you step aside and she takes steps as careful as she can into the doorway, allowing you to close it before facing her. your eyes wander over her face, teeth sinking into the side of your cheek as you take the time to notice the slight bags under her eyes covered by concealer and her body language that was unfamiliarly closed off to you with her hands in her pockets as she swayed slightly side to side, eyes averting around your place and back to you in a sequence motion—no matter how hard she tried to hide the fact that she were nervous, it miserably failed partly due to the fact that she were under the influence but also because you knew her too well.
it was silent for a moment as you tried to come up with something to at least say—this position was unfamiliar territory. you’d never been scared, confused, or angry to be in the same proximity as nikki, let look at or talk to her. your heartbeat was slightly unpaced and you could feel your body anxiously shaking. do you speak first? do you cry? do you yell? it’s hard to pinpoint what to do when you have so many emotions that it’s hard to tell what or how you’re even feeling; especially when you didn’t expect her to show up, breaking the silence first—plus, you don’t even know for-sure why she’s here. it’s almost like trying to running a marathon along rollercoaster track rails; she’s the rail and you’re the runner…or maybe she’s the runner and you’re the rail.
“i thought you were out at trivia night, what happened?”
“how’d you know i was at trivia night?”
you sigh, crossing your arms over your chest, keeping safe distance from her. “because it’s the same night every week, nikki. plus, i talked to sarah earlier.”
“so, you’re talking to sarah but not me?”
“i think you made it clear you didn’t wanna talk to me, nikki,” you let out a laugh that filled with so much sarcasm it were practically a scoff. “stop following me around like a lost puppy, remember that?”
“ok, i was drunk, so it doesn’t really matt—”
“and you’re drunk right now, nikki! so, why are you here?”
“you’re such an asshole, you know that?”
your face scrunches up in disbelief, eyes going wide as you were astounded by what you were hearing. “i’m an asshole?”
“you can’t walk around like you own me, y/n! just because we hooked up doesn’t give you the right to ruin my fun, and it definitely doesn’t give you the right to sulk around because i don’t wanna be with you.”
you shake your head, “is that what you really think, nikki?”
her eyes wince at the way her name rolls off your tongue.
“because if trying to help my friend not get take advantage, and make a huge mistake is walking around like i own her—if that’s being an asshole, well than sure, i guess you’re right. if sulking because the person i’m closes to doesn’t want me around, makes me look like i’m trying to own you—”
“you weren’t trying to help me! you were jealous—”
“did you come here to argue with me? what is this? what are you doing? actually, nikki, i don’t even recognize you right now.” you scoff, pushing past her to grab your phone. “i’m calling you a ride home.”
“i didn’t come here to argue with you, i just think it’s selfish you don’t wanna be friends anymore all because you caught feelings.”
your body stills and your eyes flicker up from your lit up phone, you stare at nikki in a way you never have before and it’s deadly—wicked almost with whatever was stirring inside you right now, mixed with whatever emotions have been pint up.
“you kissed me, nikki!” you voice shakes as it raises along with twisted anger. “you kissed me! you started all of this between us! i was fine with being your friend—i didn’t even know…i…i didn’t know i had feelings for you before you kissed me.”
“and that’s the problem.”
“no!” you point. “you don’t get to blame me! you kiss me! you sleep with me, and the moment it’s over you wanna go back to being friends? well that’s now how it works!“
“well,” she turns her head to the side, crossing her arms. “i was hoping it was!”
“why? you don’t feel the same? fine. you don’t feel the same but i thought you’d have respect for me enough to say it to my face! not lash out on me, ignore me, and then show up here drunk after two weeks of not seeing me and insult me!”
“i never said that i don’t feel the sa—”
“oh, really?” you step forward, now just mere inches from her. “because from where i’m standing it’s pretty clear how you feel about me! you think it’s pathetic that i caught feelings…well, i’m sorry not everyone can be as cold as nikki freeman. i’m sorry not everyone can just be physical with someone and not catch feeling—”
“i do love you, y/n! fuck—why do you think i even kissed you? huh? it wasn’t some drunk mistake that turned into something more, okay?” she takes breath, looking down at her feet before back up to you, directly in the eyes.
“i’ve been in love with you, for as long as i can remember and—and that night, i don’t know—i got the courage to finally do something about it.”
“you’re confusing me, nik—”
“you don’t get, y/n!” this time she’s the one to throw her hands up, turning as she starts to pace, slight stumbles in her walk. “you see right through me and it makes me sick! you know every inch of me and i can’t handle it,” she shakes her, eyes filling with plead.
“everyone else just has this imagine of me, and it’s easy to live through that—but fuck, you, i—i can’t hide from you. i can’t just be the cool, fun girl to you or whatever—sometimes you look at me like i’m going to break and i cannot handle that, y/n. you’re the one person who i can’t hold at arm’s length, you don’t think that’s scary? it was one thing to be your friend, to be that close to you but its another when your hands have touched me the way they have and you don’t want to disappear and leave—no, you want to be even closer. that type of vulnerability gets people hurt.”
you don’t think that’s scary? your heart feels like it silently twitches as her explosion makes you recall sarah’s words about nikki being scared of you. something starts to click and it makes most, if not all of your angry simmer down.
“nikki,” your tone begins to peak softness as you take a careful step towards her. “i’m not going anywhere. i’m right here…ive always been right here.”
once again, she looks up at you; sorrow in her eyes.
“i don’t wanna get hurt, y/n…especially not by you…you’re the one thing that makes sense in my life—and i’m sorry because i didn’t mean to fall in love with you, i swear—”
“don’t apologize, nik,” you take even more steps towards her, even more careful this time as your hands quietly shake as you lift them, prepared to touch her. “it’s okay.”
“no,” she shakes her. “it’s not okay. i hurt you, i made a mess of this—”
her eyes sternly flick up to yours, still grossly yet absent of the anger they were filled when she first appeared at your door—this time they were somber and meek. and though there was so much more to say, to discuss, you bring your hands up and gently move the strands of hair out of either side of her face. she leans into your touch, her own hands wrapping around you forearms gently.
“i want you to stay, we can—we can just lay together and talk more in the morning. i don’t want to do all of this while you’re drunk and i don’t want to move too fast.”
“ok,” she nods, her head falling into your chest and arms moving to wrap tightly around your waist.
“please hold me.” her voice is muffled into the fabric of your shirt but you don’t even hesitate.
note(s): i proofread this as best as i could
cus this was NOT originally a nikki fic
but i found it more fitting so bear with me
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