RodolfoなTumblr　

換羽で抜けたそらちゃんの羽

Like, if someone asks me how I’m feeling right now, they could plug in and feel a mix of accomplishment and sleepiness after my shift, superficial happiness from the kpop song I’m listening to, annoyance at Men From Reddit (tm) and their opinions, and slight worry about tonight’s shift because Tough Girl left early last night.

And if one of the Men From Reddit (tm) plugged into my brain, they could see what I meant by my comment instead of what they’d like me to have meant because it feeds into their worldview. (In this case, I made the mistake of saying “I’m married, I love my husband, and I also think this other guy is attractive sometimes.” I am a cheating whore forever lol.)

I could share my link with Cory and blast him with immense love and wishes for his health and strength and self-sufficiency, instead of reminding him to make therapy appointments (which sounds like nagging and I hate it).

I could have my therapist plug in and she’d be like “You really live like this?”

I could upload a file of all my thoughts and feelings towards The Most Interesting Woman in the World (who I haven’t heard from in nearly a year!) and send them in an email.

And at work, when a hospital calls for the third paramedic transport in a night, I could say “Our ETA will be extended, so I’ll call mutual aid and give you a call back with who’s coming and when,” while offering up a link that shows how few paramedics we have and how annoyed I am about it and when my crews’ off times are and where they’re going now and how much I genuinely want to help but the help just isn’t there.

ならば、「孤独」を「孤高」に変えてしまおう。

「孤独」と「孤高」の違いは、自らの意志でそれを選んだかどうか、です。

自分で選んだという自負と覚悟があればこそ、「孤独」は「孤高」になるのです。

誰にも理解されなくても、凜として孤高に生きている人たちを、私は知っています。

そういう人たちを、美しいと思う。

泥まみれでも、美しいんです。

褒められるような生き方なんかしてなくても、自分の生き方を自分で決めているという、まっすぐな意志がそこにあるから。

「美しさ」は「正しさ」とは別物です。

「正しさ」は世間の尺度ですが、「美しさ」は自分の尺度です。

自分の物差しを持っているからこそ、自分の生き方に腹を括れる。

どうせなら、正しくなくていいから、美しく生きたい。

私は、そんなふうに思っています。

それは、父祖たちと同じようには行動しないこと

同じわだちの中で模倣しないこと

卑しい人間たちの羊のような歩みを。

純粋な火に燃える独立不羈の心は

与えられたいましめを投げ捨てる

行け、人類から汚辱を洗い去り、

天空が拒絶するたまものを奪いとり、

その暗冥から光を放ってとびあがり

みずから、不滅の中に再生しろ。

Pedro discovered last night that he can look up pay rates. So he did. Here they are:

Mr Front Half Nights (2 yrs private air ambulance dispatch experience in the distant past, honestly not very good at his job): $5/hr more than me

Tough Girl (back half lead dispatcher): $4.50/hr more than me

Ms Partner (8 years dispatch experience?including at least 3 years for our competitor who uses the same computer system and does the exact same thing): $3/hr more than me

Chief (20+ years in EMS but no dispatch experience): $3/hr more than me

Me (15 years total dispatch experience, including 8 years EMS dispatch) 😭

THIS IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.

Why am I not making enough? Why is a man with very little dispatch experience who isn’t very good at his job making $10k/yr more than me? Why is Ms Partner not making more? Why are our leads not making significantly more? (They bust their asses, they need to be making at least $10/hr more than I’m making now)

I think I’m actually madder about my partner and Tough Girl’s pay than I am about my own. They should be making money hand over fist. And I’m about to shoot blood out of my eyeballs about Mr Front Half Nights’ pay! I mean, it’s not the number that pisses me off. He needs to make enough to make ends meet in a high cost of living area, too. But his pay should be the MINIMUM. Those of us with more experience (everyone except Chief, especially me), better performance (everyone), and more responsibilities (the leads) should make MORE.

分かりやすい　意味での　成功……

世間的な　成功……！

金や　地位や　名声……

権力 賞賛……

そういうものに　憧れる……

けどよ……

ちょっと　顧みれば　分かる……！

それは　「人生そのもの」じゃない……！

そういう　ものは　全部……

飾り………！人生の飾りに　過ぎない……！

ただ…やる事……その熱……行為そのものが…

生きるってこと……！実ってヤツだ……！

分かるか……？成功を　目指すな…って　言ってるんじゃない……！

その成否に　囚われ… 思い煩い…

止まってしまうこと…熱を失ってしまうこと…これが　まずい……！

こっちの方が　問題だ……！

いいじゃ　ないか……！三流で……！

熱い　三流なら…上等よ……！

まるで　構わない…構わない話だ……

だから…恐れるなっ……！

繰り返す……！失敗を　恐れるなっ……！

I’ve already taken out the trash and recycling, started laundry, and ground up some of the delicious coffee that @unic0rnthe0ry sent me out of the blue (💕). Also broke the coffee grinder, but it still works well enough for now.