i know that someday i'll be fine

Grace introduces himself to Rocky as Grace. 

His kids call him Mr. Grace. 

He asks others, friends, to call him Ryland, but they don’t (DuBois). 

We don’t ever see Marissa call him by any name. Let’s go over these things. 

Grace refers to himself once internally as Ryland. Once. Internally. (Correction as I am editing: I think it’s twice. But the other time, if I’m remembering correctly, is similarly “shut the fuck up Ryland” vibes). Perhaps he doesn’t have that strong of a connection to this name/doesn’t care about it. Until he’s got to be verbally mean to himself. This is just how he thinks of himself internally which is. Telling, given what life events it seems connected to and how casualness correlates to devaluation to him. Perhaps he doesn’t care about this name very much because it’s been out of use for a long time (thanks, academia). Perhaps it being out of use has something to do with his self-perception, as in he rarely ever thinks of himself as Ryland anymore. Cool. Cool. He’s normal and definitely hasn’t tied his sense of self so deeply to his academic career that it’s going to destroy him. Okay. It could also just be a meta decision from Weir for this moment, where Grace is beginning (albeit unknowingly) to farm Astrophage. “Ryland” = rye land, aka farmland/farmer. Very subtle. More generally, growing/maintaining life connects to his saving Earth & Erid. 

By the time Grace meets Rocky, his most important name to him is not Ryland. He introduces himself as Grace. Probably some of this is because of the pride he allows himself to have in his PhD. After all, he does get smug about the Dr. title after remembering his name. But. I think it’s worth remembering “Grace” is a thematically chosen name. Grace’s primary character traits are mercy and patience, even for those he doesn’t know well. So, yeah, maybe he’s trying to establish some distance/respect between himself & Rocky, BUT he intros himself as “Grace,” not Dr. Grace. He’s half-in, half-out of who was in higher education/academia. He’s likely been called Dr. Grace for years by peers & colleagues & poured years (most of, PhD programs are long & require a lot of lead-up work) of his life into being in academia. It’s one of the most core parts of his identity yet was ripped out from under him after the Paper™. He’s still attached to it, clearly, but also recognizes he’s not quite who he was, & that there’s been an irrevocable shift in his life. And that shift was probably painful & traumatic, but he can’t fully accept it or figure out a clear way to move forward. Yeah, maybe the kids don’t call him Dr. because it’s a middle school—but I had high school teachers who went by Dr. Not that weird. Maybe he’s just the cool teacher, but then I think he’d go by Mr. Ryland. I think Mr. Grace is a signifier of liminality and Grace’s inability to accept he can shape a life & identity that is new. That he can change. I think maybe he just identifies more w/the name Grace. Fun for many reasons but to address 2:

Gender fuckery (“Grace” typically feminine)

Self-esteem fuckery & once again acknowledging, though only subconsciously, his best qualities. That he is kind, patient, & merciful, even with strangers. And that he can be loved.

Others still see Grace as Dr. Grace, as an academic leading the field of xenobiology, thought Grace seems to not want them to. Perhaps he’s really internalized that Paper’s fallout. Which is interesting, because you don’t pull crazy theories in academia (or theories @ all), without being willing to stick to your guns (i.e. be a bit of a bitch about your beliefs). It’s interesting how much that fall from Grace(* we’ll get to that pun too) affected him & again how he seems incapable of moving forward & processing that 2 identities can be true at the same time. Yeah, maybe he’s just trying to be friendly with colleagues (and maybe he’s being oblivious about how much they revere him & that he’s Stratt’s SIC), but…I think his sense of discomfort around others not using his first name is interesting. It betrays his self-impressions. 

Marissa doesn’t call him by any name. Why? (Probably just a quirk of the writing, but indulge me) Is it because Grace is too uncomfortable acknowledging others’ perceptions of him to bring it up in the memory? Because what if how others see him is different from how he sees himself, and it forces him to confront his pain?

This is one of the earliest memories he recovers, so by the time he’s readily remembering more of how others refer to and perceive him later on, he’s had more time to work through/settle with that. As opposed to a freshly reborn gut instinct not to fucking look at what others think of him. Okayyy.

A final thought: he calls himself Ryland in a moment where he’s pissed @ himself & believes he’s acting stupidly. And the way he does it sounds an awful lot like he’s parroting how others have spoken to him before. God. He’s really uncomfortable with taking pride in himself, yet contradictorily acknowledges he is Grace, mercy, teacher, friend to aliens, lover of Earth and humanity, and worthy of life and wellness.

*A note on the phrase “fall from Grace:”