Me

When I was told I had cancer , my knees buckled. The team of doctors there told me I had 1 option- Chemo & exploratory surgery. I wanted a second opinion. I got 2 more, both said the same thing. I declined. The last one had me scheduled for a port & surgery the next day. I freaked out - I decided against Chemo , I was ready to pass. I never told my son, I guess I didn’t want to ruin his high school. I figured he’d notice and ask . Then I took a Hail Mary shot and went to the best cancer hospital in Philadelphia. A nurse told me not to surrender, she was welling up- and I told her, chemo killed 2 of my grandparents, I’d fight it . I got in a study for people that chemo didn’t work for. Pure luck . It’s the most successful drug combating stomach cancer, 100% success rate. I took 6 needles twice a week, the one to the stomach was a 12 inch needle. I remember being scared, naked in a ready for my ultrasound and I broke. My favorite nurse came in and just held me. I never felt more alone or more accepted. I still hadn’t told my wife I was dying. I was gaining weight eating tuna fish, cucumbers & tomatoes . I don’t know where I’m going with this - but I rang that damn bell. As much as I loved me doctors, the nurses and music kept me sane.

Last Wednesday I got a ‘procedure’ - they sent a camera down my throat and 1 up my ass. They went though my entire stomach , large and small intestine. I still eat and shit seconds later, it’s been a week now. For 10 months I got treatments, I took 47 pills a day.and now, my last treatment is next week. I will be on steroids, salt pills and a host of other medicines. I’ll be down to repair medicines to help me recover from steroids that kept me from cramping and not being able to breathe.What angers me is this treatment works and everyone doesn’t have access. What relieves me is I’m gonna live. I rang the bell being cancer free with headphones in. I was listening to Disappear by Twin Peaks . I cried, I still am. Life is good.

Meeting the new team was dreadful. I felt like my friends tears were bad. But they told me my options- experimental treatment or surgery & chemo. It was a no brained for me. I had already decided to die. Then with medication I prepared to get 10 shots of this treatment twice a week- 2 shots in each arm, 2 in each thigh 1 in my ass and 1 in my stomach. At first it was twice a week eventually, once my blood became non acidic it was once a week. I got blood work and ultrasounds twice a month to size the tumor. It went from 6.38 cm long /3.83 cm wide to non existent in 10 months . My doctor, the only one on my team who loved me (like a little sister) was Dr.Kristen. When it was less than half she hugged me and we both wept. She was so loving. A couple nurses liked me, they were upset my wife and family never showed up. I never told my son and my wife, she’s suffered in her life enough.

I had cancer. The last 13 months have brought the range of emotion, and it all culminated last Tuesday when I was declared Cancer Free. When a doctor looks at you and tells you you have cancer, there’s nothing to prepare you for that . I went to 2 hospitals who said surgery and chemo. I declined, twice. The second time I broke. I saw what chemo, radiation did to my grandfather. I couldn’t do it . Call me a coward or vain or whatever you must, I decided on the abyss . I wasn’t gonna ruin my sons freshman year, I wasn’t gonna ruin my wife, I wasn’t willing to lose our house and our car. Then I had lunch with a friend. I set an appointment to speak with a team about treatment at yet another hospital, I was gonna blow it off- I gotta better shit to do then be rejected. My friend cried in the parking lot, in the rain. It was kids movie like and that’s when I decided to ho and meet with the new team.