just rock the world!

before you read any of this, just know that it’s not a whim. it’s the result of months of reflection, of thinking i’d get out of this slump, that this was temporary. but the more time passes and the worse it gets. writing for my muses each week is a torture, which is painful considering it’s a hobby, but also painful because i dearly love both jinyoung and xayah. jinyoung is a bit less difficult to let go off, but xayah... it really hurts me to drop her. because leaving rookies means i’m letting her go. i love her the most and yet she’s the one i struggled to write for in the past few months, i dare say since at least the beginning of this year.

of course i waited, because i always thought it would change. i told myself maybe if i changed things, if i found new plots, if i got more active, if i dropped threads, if i took a hiatus, if i spent more debut points in the idol shop so she’d get activities. and i was lucky, because she got a lot. but i’ve reached a point where even that doesn’t help. i have below zero motivation to write for her. in fact despite being one of my favorite muses, she’s always been the hardest to write for. she’s just so... different. but in a roleplay like this, if a muse doesn’t fit the mold it’s harder to navigate being a trainee and an idol. ultimately, it’s what killed her. debuting in a concept she didn’t like, never being able to go out. and as much as i looooove luxe myself, plotting with the same four people every month gets repetitive for someone as sociable as xayah. she thrives in new interactions but realistically, she never gets to hang out with anyone.

so i’m at a crossroads, and i’ve decided to leave. i didn’t want to do it in the middle of promotions, but i reached a point where i can’t even find the energy to write even just to get points. i used to never miss a single chance at gaining points, so it’s really a sign. i’ve loved rookies a lot, and the people in it. i met wonderful people here that i’ll keep in contact with long after rookies. and for me, that’s the most important. i hate leaving like this with the feeling of letting people down, but when you think about it, it’s just roleplay.

i don’t want to... get too deeply into negative things. i think everyone has dealt with enough these past weeks. but fact is, an atmosphere like this impacts everyone. it impacted me too, made me rethink if that’s really how i want to spend my free time: seeing people tear each other apart, complain, cry... it’s toxic, and literally none of us deserve this. the admods don’t deserve to spend the little time they have holding strike trials and being hurt over it. it just... shouldn’t be like this. and i think we’re all responsible to some degree, for letting things get so bad.  and that’s all i’m gonna say, because i know no one (or at least most of us) don’t have any bad intentions. but we let ourselves get affected too much by things that... don’t matter. and i was guilty of it too. i got annoyed by things ic, i complained, i let myself get frustrated. but for what purpose? i still don’t know. they’re characters. but we invest so much time into rookies, and for so long, because in a rp as big everything takes time. of course admods couldn’t keep up with demand. we all have lives. but it gets tiring for everyone too.

i’m sure i make no sense, but either way, that’s just how it came out. i don’t resent anyone and i hope no one resents me. i’m just doing what’s best for me, and listening to myself. of course it’s sad to let xayah go, to let this rp go, and to let luxe go. but now i know i’m ready, and i won’t regret it. i’ve enjoyed most of my time here, but for a few months i haven’t really. i held it in thinking it’d change, but it hasn’t and i’m tired of forcing myself every week, or be barely active. i deserve better and i feel like everyone i rp with also deserve better.

i’ll still be on tlist, i won’t vanish. you’re of course free to unfollow me if rookie was your only attachment to me. i won’t be mad or disappointed. haven’t thought deeply about how xayah will leave ic, but she’ll move out of korea and disappear for a few months, after news of her departure are shared with luxe.

KEEPING: (if you wish to drop it don’t feel bad! just message me)

go crazy with @rkcheri

girl talk with @rkxzoe

keeping up with the tuans with @yienrk

a little convincing with @rkella

dance dance with @rkyena

tongue tied with @yccjungrk

they all chant at once, bowing and waving at the camera. they’ve waited until quite a few hundred people have already tuned in, and for the first couple minutes they most greet fans and talk, explaining that they’re here for a longer vlive this time. it’s their first anniversary and they’ve prepared quite a few things! they will mostly be games, to make it entertaining to both the viewers and themselves. they don’t really get to just relax and talk to fans very often so this is a perfect opportunity to do so. 

they answer questions, but mostly talk about their feelings about their anniversary, express gratitude for all the love and support they received, both through successes and hardships. xayah is even more hyper and talkative than usual but she does her best not to cut anyone as they’re speaking, mainly just looking excitedly at the comments and waving at the camera from time to time. “thank you guys so much for staying with us all this time! and here’s to an incredible second year!” she says once her turn comes. besides their upcoming comeback, she doesn’t know what this year will have in store for them but hopefully it’s more about breaking barriers than being held back by bad news again.

the focus soon switches to games. they have prepared a few of them. the whisper challenge proves to be absolutely hilarious, not to mention chaotic (but not nearly as much as the confused part switch version will be). ella proves to be pretty good at this game, guessing the words and expressions easily which annoys xayah. “yah, you’re supposed to make it funny!” she calls out, and the others laugh at their bickering. it’s always like that with the two of them, but ever since they apologized to each other for fighting, it’s mostly harmless and of good fun. sure, they still can’t stand the other sometimes, but they’ve learned that these differences they have is what makes luxe... luxe. on the other hand of the spectrum, xayah fails miserably. it might have something to do with her level of korean, but she’s just incapable of reading lips in general. she screams incomprehensible and stupid things that have everyone broke into laughter. and let’s say the rest of the group isn’t that good either.

the peppero game proves to be quite something, too. yena acts as the referee, dividing the rest into two pairs. on one side, cheri and zoe and on the other, ella and xayah. there’s a fire in the maknae’s eyes as she looks at her rival. she wants to win no matter the cost. if it means pecking ella’s lips on live broadcast, she will. there’s a definite resolve in the dancer’s stare as well. they bite on each end of the stick, and soon enough they teeth are almost touching. they end up briefly pecking lips, and ella snatches the remaining pieces. it sends the comment section in a frenzy.

the limbo is a nice way to expose the girls who lack in the flexibility department. zoe and ella are definitely top notch due to their dance background, whereas xayah puts up a good fight too. she’s an athlete after all, and while it doesn’t always guarantee flexibility, she manages to scrape by.

after a brief intermission during which they eat snack, hydrate and chat among themselves and fans, it’s time for a surprise from the staff. had xayah expected anything, it would’ve been a delicious cake, but instead they’re met with playful smiles. they’re up to something, but what? “we thought we would have you go down memory lane and watch your royal survival auditions!” they announce, leaving the girls dumbfounded. “you’re kidding!” xayah responds, jumping to her feet and pointing an accusatory finger at them. she barely kept any memory of that... vaguely remembers dancing and rapping. after watching cheri’s audition, in which xayah can’t help but wonder why in hell their leader was put into the minor team after it, they suggest that they perform a snippet of it live, just to see how much they’ve improved over the past... two years, almost. zoe’s dancing was insanely good, and maybe it’s because their choreographies so far haven’t been very impressive in their complexity, but it’s the first time she realizes just how good zoe is. it’s even better now than it was back then, though she only does a small part of it. seolhyun’s audition was also dancing. the girl looks as good as ever, and when she mentions that she’s the only one among them who had never been in the minor team, xayah looks at her. “we know you were so jisub-nim’s pick, unnie~” she comments innocently, nudging at the other’s side.

yena, being loyal to her brand, had performed a very cute song which is so contrasting to what royal has her do now. she does say that it’s a chance she did full moon later on or the company would have not thought her capable of doing a sexy concept. “it seemed like he was only satisfied when i danced hip hop though, so why did he choose me?” she wonders out loud. but the answer is obvious: she definitely had the type of unique sexiness he was looking for. they each have their goddess concept, their own vibe. xayah finally sees her own audition. it was kard’s hola hola, and she performed part of the chorus and two rap verses. she danced along too, and so jisub did praise her boldness in choosing to show off more than one skill, as well as her stage presence. he thought she would be popular with the audience, and she was indeed. royal was always her top choice, even after going to kt, and he remembered that. it goes to say that sometimes it’s better to take an opportunity that differs from your original plan, because it can lead to exactly what you wished for in the end. if you keep waiting for it to fall from the sky...

they go into a deeper discussion about royal survival, how it went down for them, what they liked most, and how they do miss the other girls that were with them. times were different then. they had no idea what lay ahead, that six of them would debut less than a year later. and poor zoe who was sent home first couldn’t have fathomed being selected afterwards.

to conclude the vlive, they announce they’ll be performing confused. the song was indeed a bit left out when every night’s popularity picked up and pushed it aside. but it won’t be just a regular version. they’ll each be picking out a member’s name whose lines they will inherit, and perform it live to the best of their ability. cheri ends up getting zoe, xayah gets cheri, yena gets xayah, ella gets yena and zoe gets ella. it already doesn’t sound too good, but xayah assures everyone that she’s definitely main vocal material now. it convinces absolutely nobody, and especially not cheri who’s had to sit through xayah’s cover of her solo song, butchering high notes to the best of her ability.

it’s just as chaotic as fans expected it to be. cheri forgets dance moves every time she’s in the center, and accidentally spoils their upcoming choreography, but fans will only figure it out later on when the mv drops. yena takes her rapper persona very, very seriously. and xayah, well, she... sings to her heart’s content, taking revenge from all the singing lines royal has been denying her since debut. the reason is obvious. of course she’s not a main vocal, and not as good as yena or ella either, but when within her range she sounds decent, and at the very least stable while dancing. it’s not good, but it’s not bad either. still, she makes it memorable by belting out high notes with no shame at all, exaggerating her facial expressions as if she’s really into the zone.

it’s been a while since they stood on a big stage like this, and even then, the whole thing was organized by samsung which made it more... familiar. today’s stage will be occupied by most of the active, popular groups that currently exist, not to mention from other companies not affiliated with the big five. they usually only see them during promotion months and it’s a refreshing to see other faces than royal ones. even seeing convex feels strange. dabin can’t recall standing on the same stage as them like they will at the very end for greetings. she will for sure take a little bit of that time to go bother yien.

practice for every night was fairly easy. the song is recent and dabin feels like she could dance to it in her sleep. luv me however, seems like a lifetime ago already. it’s almost funny how dawon and jiwon’s departure left such a big hole in their hearts, but months later it’s as if nayoung was always here. time really does heal, but whenever they perform songs from their first mini-album she spares a special thought for sona. they haven’t talked in a while. she’s thriving in the united states, far from them, and she seems happy. good for her, dabin tries to convince herself. she’ll alright without her now, but not yet willing to even consider getting together with someone else.

she’s given up on love even if the company insists on making her rap about it every day.

the group performances go well. so close to their first anniversary, dabin feels like they're finally in their element. they own the stage, they know when to look into the camera, when to interact with the crowd. the synergy with nayoung is now stronger than ever. the beginnings were uncertain at best, but luxe wouldn't be luxe without her now. they were new enough to lose dawon and jiwon without affecting the group too much, but if someone were to quit as their popularity is so close to skyrocketing... it would be disastrous.

the coolest part of this whole concert is definitely the loving u stage with the girls from eclipse. it's been so long since they actually shared a stage at the same time. it brings dabin right back to her trainee days at kt, where they used to think they would all debut together. it's just as exciting for mijoo too to perform with her friends. she's definitely not a fan of the song, and the rap is cheesy as heck but she makes it work nonetheless, trying to channel even the tiniest bit of cuteness hidden inside of her. but for the most part she remains... true to her cooler image. practices are a lot more fun than the actual day of the concert. the girls mess around just as much as they work, and they're scolded a few times because of it.

she wishes that work could be like this all the time. interacting with other idols, doing special things. time and time again the companies prove that the merger was for nothing more than money. they're supposed to be part of the same bigger family now but it rarely feels that way, especially with the only new boy group from the big five. they fear scandals, that's for sure, and netizens can come up with the dumbest theories the second a male and female idol breathe in the same room.