Awhile ago my son's school went on a field trip to watch a Toronto Raptors game. I was asked to volunteer to help. A free basketball game? Of course I said yes... I really should have said I was washing my hair that day or something!
When we got down to the stadium it turns out that EVERY FUCKING SCHOOL IN THE TORONTO DISTRICT SCHOOL BOARD WAS ALSO INVITED!!! One of the buses in the picture below is my son's school bus. My god it looks like we are trying to reenact the bank heist scene from Batman The Dark Knight. Also did I mention I was the only dad that volunteered. Everyone else who did was some kid's mom.
We find our seats and we watch the game. A boy asks to go to the bathroom. A teacher ask me if I can take him since I am the only dad there I said sure. Next thing I know all ten boys in that class want to go to the bathroom too. Unfortunately the men's room is on the other side of the stadium. I don't know why the men's bathroom was so far away but I believe the architect of this stadium was a complete psychopath. Quite possibly the son of Ivo Shandor.
I have all ten boys hold hands as we walk down the hall to the bathroom. The whole way there I kept thinking to myself. "Please don't lose any kid.... Although If I do come back with seven... That's still 70% which is a passing grade in Canada. We get to an overcrowded bathroom. One stall opens up and I get one kid to go inside. The kid locks the stall door and not even a second later two other kids crawl under into that stall and pee in the bowl like a semi pee circle. They are defitnity crossing the streams. This rotation happens three more times! 9 boys crawled on the sticky piss ass floor. When they were all done I yelled in the most dad voice I had. "WASH THOSE FUCKING HANDS RIGHT NOW!" They complied and we walked back to our seats. On our way back I had two thoughts: If one of these kids die it'll be all my fault... If a pandemic breaks out again. This is ground zero and it's all my fault.
Well I am proud to say I got all ten boys back to their seats. Jeremy says out loud while pointing at me. “He said the F word with a hard K!” All the moms look at me. I shrug and shrink into my seat. Well played Jeremy well played! I am a 40 year old man with a 7 year old mortal enemy!
Later my son ask for popcorn so I wait for the popcorn guy to get closer to us. As the guy comes closer to us I see my son take a handful of stale moldy drench in spilled Pepsi from 3 days ago popcorn from under his seat and eat it like he never ate ever!
Now compared to my wife I am pretty laid back on a lot of things. I believe in the five second rule. I let my son watch Die Hard at Christmas. Pretty chill. Well he just raised my anxiety to full over load! Can’t get grosser than this. Unless when he is older he gets to first base with a subway pole… or worse eat a subway sandwich. Yuck! I know if my wife saw this he be going straight to the hospital to get all the test done! HIV, Corona, Cancer, Teen pregnancy. All of the diseases! I however never told my wife! But I did tell myself if I hear him cough or sneeze I’ll come clean about everything.
When the game was over we found our bus… but with a different driver. So I am pretty sure we just hijacked a random bus. Whatever I wanted to get home!
Three months later nothing happened. My son is probably immune to everything… I probably should test to see if his tears cure cancer or something, right?
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